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This House. (Poem) Please do have a read and comment if you can!

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    This house is a quiet one; it whispers its words.
    Doors are left closed and lights are left off.
    This house echoes loudly when strangers are round,
    Piercing reflections of inaudible sounds.

    This house could tell truths that are taken for tales,
    So thank the Walls for their silence and the strength of the nails
    That hold shut every corner to hold in the curses
    And the locks on the doors locking out all the nurses,
    teachers, social workers, doctors and police,
    prying neighbours from homes on the street.
    Knocks and rings from pitying well-wishers
    Who compensate loss with steaming casserole dishes.

    But who can eat food in a house that feels cold,
    And when the table is empty because one seat is not owned?
    When each room holds just one at any one time,
    Because a limit was set when the house felt the crime.
    Silence is simpler when it’s felt by just me,
    So I sit in my room to not eat my tea.
    This house is too quiet, but I savour the peace,
    So in quiet I’ll wait for my household release.


    Hope you enjoy this, comments and advice would be loooooovely!
    S
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    I really enjoyed this Sammy. Houses definitely do have atmospheres and if something horrible happens it resonates long after.
    Some good rhymes there... I liked nurses/curses and wishers/dishes

    :borat:
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    (Original post by the bear)
    I really enjoyed this Sammy. Houses definitely do have atmospheres and if something horrible happens it resonates long after.
    Some good rhymes there... I liked nurses/curses and wishers/dishes

    :borat:
    Thanks Bear! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

    I tend to find that my poems start with a rhyme very naturally but sometimes it's difficult to maintain it all the way through. YAY for half-rhymes!
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    (Original post by sammy-lou)

    Knocks and rings from pitying well-wishers
    Who compensate loss with steaming casserole dishes.

    ...


    So I sit in my room to not eat my tea.

    these lines were my favourite bits. very nice!
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    It seems incredibly sad im assuming it's about a family member's death which must be terrible for anyone to go through.
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    (Original post by Dominic101)
    It seems incredibly sad im assuming it's about a family member's death which must be terrible for anyone to go through.
    Helloo. You're correct; it's about a family member who was killed in a crime. I wanted to show all of the people - officials and friends - who swarm around, and how that contrasts with the loneliness that each of the family members feels individually.

    Thanks for your comment
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    (Original post by sammy-lou)
    Helloo. You're correct; it's about a family member who was killed in a crime. I wanted to show all of the people - officials and friends - who swarm around, and how that contrasts with the loneliness that each of the family members feels individually.

    Thanks for your comment
    I don't usually appreciate poems as I feel a lot of time they are meaningless but this poem was incredibly emotional.
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    (Original post by Dominic101)
    I don't usually appreciate poems as I feel a lot of time they are meaningless but this poem was incredibly emotional.
    I'm glad you liked it! Apologies in advance for the shameful plug but if you get a chance check out some of my other stuff on TSR; this is kind of typical of the stuff I write so you might like some of the others
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    (Original post by sammy-lou)
    I'm glad you liked it! Apologies in advance for the shameful plug but if you get a chance check out some of my other stuff on TSR; this is kind of typical of the stuff I write so you might like some of the others
    Yeah, I think i'll check them out.
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    (Original post by Dominic101)
    Yeah, I think i'll check them out.
    Thanks!
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    (Original post by sammy-lou)

    This house is a quiet one; it whispers its words.
    Doors are left closed and lights are left off.
    This house echoes loudly when strangers are round,
    Piercing reflections of inaudible sounds.

    This house could tell truths that are taken for tales,
    So thank the Walls for their silence and the strength of the nails
    That hold shut every corner to hold in the curses
    And the locks on the doors locking out all the nurses,
    teachers, social workers, doctors and police,
    prying neighbours from homes on the street.
    Knocks and rings from pitying well-wishers
    Who compensate loss with steaming casserole dishes.

    But who can eat food in a house that feels cold,
    And when the table is empty because one seat is not owned?
    When each room holds just one at any one time,
    Because a limit was set when the house felt the crime.
    Silence is simpler when it’s felt by just me,
    So I sit in my room to not eat my tea.
    This house is too quiet, but I savour the peace,
    So in quiet I’ll wait for my household release.


    Hope you enjoy this, comments and advice would be loooooovely!
    S
    Hmm. Just a thought: to my ears, the rhythm seems a bit too estranged and too incongruous to the meaning of the poem.
    When I was reading it, the anapaestic beat seemed too lyrical and joyful, to the extent that I barely noticed that the poem was about death.
    Try experimenting with different forms in your next poem, try a sonnet, or a villanelle, or maybe just try writing in blank verse. A lot of starting up poets neglect rhythm at all in favour of free-verse, but sonic effects are one of the most important in poetry (for me)!
    I like the poem, but I think you could improve on the sonic qualities, bear in mind technicalities when writing like assonance, alliteration, consonance, because they can also hold a rhythm together. I know this aspect of poetry may seem forced and unnatural, but it has a few hundred years of literary antecedents.

    On a final note, keep up the good work, keep writing, and contact me if you have any questions
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    (Original post by digestives)
    Hmm. Just a thought: to my ears, the rhythm seems a bit too estranged and too incongruous to the meaning of the poem.
    When I was reading it, the anapaestic beat seemed too lyrical and joyful, to the extent that I barely noticed that the poem was about death.
    Try experimenting with different forms in your next poem, try a sonnet, or a villanelle, or maybe just try writing in blank verse. A lot of starting up poets neglect rhythm at all in favour of free-verse, but sonic effects are one of the most important in poetry (for me)!
    I like the poem, but I think you could improve on the sonic qualities, bear in mind technicalities when writing like assonance, alliteration, consonance, because they can also hold a rhythm together. I know this aspect of poetry may seem forced and unnatural, but it has a few hundred years of literary antecedents.

    On a final note, keep up the good work, keep writing, and contact me if you have any questions
    Thanks for your feedback, you're right that rhythm is something I tend to ignore; that might just be because it's not something I consciously notice when reading poetry. I'll bear your comments in mind for my next poem. Much appreciated!
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    (Original post by sammy-lou)
    Thanks for your feedback, you're right that rhythm is something I tend to ignore; that might just be because it's not something I consciously notice when reading poetry. I'll bear your comments in mind for my next poem. Much appreciated!
    Ah that's very interesting because your poem definitely has a steady rhythm to it, it's just very upbeat, (dee- dee-DUM, dee-dee-DUM) which is generally used in more lyrical/nusery rhyme poetry.

    It's a shame peoploe are forgetting about rhythm though, as it is a fundamental part of poetry
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    (Original post by digestives)
    Ah that's very interesting because your poem definitely has a steady rhythm to it, it's just very upbeat, (dee- dee-DUM, dee-dee-DUM) which is generally used in more lyrical/nusery rhyme poetry.

    It's a shame peoploe are forgetting about rhythm though, as it is a fundamental part of poetry
    For me it's one of the more challenging elements of writing, and I find that by sticking to a rhythm I struggle to say what I really want to say. I guess it's one of those things that takes some getting used to doing!
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    (Original post by sammy-lou)
    For me it's one of the more challenging elements of writing, and I find that by sticking to a rhythm I struggle to say what I really want to say. I guess it's one of those things that takes some getting used to doing!
    Well it's interesting that you have subconsciously adopted an anapestic/amphabrachic meter (dum/DUM/dum) so this poem has a very nursery rhyme tone (think Dr Seuss who used anapaestic tetrameter quite often).Next time you write a poem, think rhythmically, and it will do wonders for your poetry!

    http://www.firesides.ca/scansion7.htm

    check this site for more information
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    'Who compensate loss with steaming casserole dishes.' doesn't really go with the flow in my opinion, perhaps replace 'casserole' with another type of food with less syllables. Other than that, it's fantastic.
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    (Original post by sammy-lou)
    This house is a quiet one; it whispers its words.
    Doors are left closed and lights are left off.
    This house echoes loudly when strangers are round,
    Piercing reflections of inaudible sounds.

    This house could tell truths that are taken for tales,
    So thank the Walls for their silence and the strength of the nails
    That hold shut every corner to hold in the curses
    And the locks on the doors locking out all the nurses,
    teachers, social workers, doctors and police,
    prying neighbours from homes on the street.
    Knocks and rings from pitying well-wishers
    Who compensate loss with steaming casserole dishes.

    But who can eat food in a house that feels cold,
    And when the table is empty because one seat is not owned?
    When each room holds just one at any one time,
    Because a limit was set when the house felt the crime.
    Silence is simpler when it’s felt by just me,
    So I sit in my room to not eat my tea.
    This house is too quiet, but I savour the peace,
    So in quiet I’ll wait for my household release.


    Hope you enjoy this, comments and advice would be loooooovely!
    S
    Wow Sammy, that's really powerful. I love your use of words and rhymes, and the syllabic count is just amazing. I'd love it if you could check out soe of the poems I've got on my blog and let me know what you think?

    http://www.thelifeandtimesofthetypho...r.blogspot.com

    Trainee_Ninja
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    (Original post by digestives)
    Well it's interesting that you have subconsciously adopted an anapestic/amphabrachic meter (dum/DUM/dum) so this poem has a very nursery rhyme tone (think Dr Seuss who used anapaestic tetrameter quite often).Next time you write a poem, think rhythmically, and it will do wonders for your poetry!

    http://www.firesides.ca/scansion7.htm

    check this site for more information
    Thanks for your help


    (Original post by elia)
    'Who compensate loss with steaming casserole dishes.' doesn't really go with the flow in my opinion, perhaps replace 'casserole' with another type of food with less syllables. Other than that, it's fantastic.
    Yes, I see what you mean, it does make the line rather long-winded. Thanks
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    (Original post by Trainee_Ninja)
    Wow Sammy, that's really powerful. I love your use of words and rhymes, and the syllabic count is just amazing. I'd love it if you could check out soe of the poems I've got on my blog and let me know what you think?

    http://www.thelifeandtimesofthetypho...r.blogspot.com

    Trainee_Ninja
    Thank you! Sure, I'll have a look at your blog and PM you if you like?
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    (Original post by sammy-lou)
    Thank you! Sure, I'll have a look at your blog and PM you if you like?
    That would be fab. Feel free also to link some more of your poems... I quite like your style.

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