[Sugar.And.Spice]

(Original post by Dee Leigh)
Yep I think that is unforgivable too.

That is so sad, how is he trying to ruin your life?

Well he's not really trying to ruin my life anymore, but he used to pretend other people said nasty things to me, like fake texts from others calling me horrible names and he tells everyone that i'm a slut and a bitch, and bascially speading lies about me.
I used to care, but now i know that people who really know me know it's not true, and they are all so proud that i finally left him.
And the people who believe his lies aren't truly my friends, and imo are not worth the time of day.

At the end of the day, to everyone whose been through this, just think that now you can live a happy, free life while he is eternally miserable constantly seeking a new victum's life to destroy.
Leave him to his sad life and finally start to enjoy yours

[Sugar.And.Spice]

(Original post by Anonymous)
feels amazing just wish i wasn't so stupid sometimes, but then ive learnt how not to get into that sort of relationship again well done you as well for getting out of it

That's what i thought too, but it really can happen to anyone, it's not that you're stupid, your just kind and he some idiots take that as a weakness and abuse it.

Excatly, that's what i think. Never again will i be with an abusive man, as i know the warning signs like the back of my hand.

And thanks.

[Dee Leigh]

I want to ask another question...

To those who were in abusive relationships, did you grow up in an abusive household?

I ask because apparently there is a link between the two.

[Anonymous]

Abusive relationships are very strange. For me, I thought an abusive relationship was like the ones you saw portrayed in adverts on tv or leaflets on the subject of women who were battered and bruised and looked very down-trodden and frightened..

But really, it's not. My first relationship/first love/first everything was seemingly a charming, intelligent and very understanding young man at the first. He seemed to get on so well with my family, but he never ever liked my friends (even ones he had never met, only heard me talking to on the phone or on the internet). He would call them names, say I was silly for spending time with them etc however he made sure I met his and would have NO criticism of them, because they were far superior to my friends and down-right objected to meeting them.
That was the first alarm bell which I ignored, at the time, I thought he was shy and nervous.

Secondly, he began to hint he liked me to wear this dress or these shoes but not these etc. Then, say if he came into the room I was watching TV in, he would change it over without asking and then laugh when I asked him to switch it back...

These little things eventually grew over the months into more control and made me feel down-trodden, not the usual, bubbly bright young girl he had met a few months back.
He would throw things, punch things, throw things around MY bedroom, threaten to end his own life if I left and if I cried he would stand and laugh at me or get further annoyed. Then when this became normal, he would do nothing and not speak to me for days or ring my house phone to see if I answered or ring my phone to see if I really was at work (which I couldn't answer at that time and I nearly always pick my phone up when not at work so he knew).

It was ridiculous and at the time, I didn't realise. He would let me down so many times, offer to take me places and never turn up (one day he left me standing in the town centre for half an hour only to tell me he wasn't coming anymore, he couldn't be bothered with me today.. around 2 hours ago before this it was HIS idea to meet up).

What i'm trying to say I guess is it wasn't until he left me (which I now expect was for someone else, but thats off topic) is that you really don't always realise it was/is abuse and the over whelming feeling that you can't cope with life is so strong, I still battle with it occasionally 6month on. But that's all part and parcel of moving on I suppose.
Lastly, I think to myself, would a best friend treat her best friend like that? if the answer is no then alarm bells should ring...
I learnt the hard way, and I feel for those who have had abusive relationships far far worse than what I experienced.

[Goody2Shoes-x]

I really think the OP could be a bit less judgmental - if you are in an abusive relationship, often the signs of abuse aren't shown until your emotions have been manipulated to the point where you feel you don't have the strength to leave. It's not a case of ignoring the signs - it's a case of being unable to believe that something that sounds so drastic and dramatic could be happening to you. Men often find that they'd be too embaressed to leave and admit they've been abused. It's different for everyone, and anyone who has suffered an abusive relationship is deserving of our sympathy - and those who have had the courage to leave are always deserving of our admiration.

[Dee Leigh]

(Original post by Goody2Shoes-x)
I really think the OP could be a bit less judgmental - if you are in an abusive relationship, often the signs of abuse aren't shown until your emotions have been manipulated to the point where you feel you don't have the strength to leave. It's not a case of ignoring the signs - it's a case of being unable to believe that something that sounds so drastic and dramatic could be happening to you. Men often find that they'd be too embaressed to leave and admit they've been abused. It's different for everyone, and anyone who has suffered an abusive relationship is deserving of our sympathy - and those who have had the courage to leave are always deserving of our admiration.

I agree

This was posted from The Student Room's Android App on my GT-S5830

[Dee Leigh]

(Original post by Dee Leigh)
I want to ask another question...

To those who were in abusive relationships, did you grow up in an abusive household?

I ask because apparently there is a link between the two.

Anyone?

This was posted from The Student Room's Android App on my GT-S5830

[Vohamanah]

(Original post by Dee Leigh)
Anyone?

This was posted from The Student Room's Android App on my GT-S5830

I didn't grow up in an abusive household.

[Sugar.And.Spice]

(Original post by Dee Leigh)
Anyone?

This was posted from The Student Room's Android App on my GT-S5830

I didn't grow up in an abusive household either, I think I was just lonely and had low self esteem when I met my abuser =/

[Anonymous]

I was in an abusive relationship. I don't know why I didn't leave, asked myself the same question hundreds of times since. I really think OP needs to be less judgemental. Unless you've been in the situation, you can't really say much. I used to think the same, why would people stay, but you just do. It's difficult to explain unless you've been there but it's really hard to accept that what's happening to you is abuse. Often it's only once you've left and had time to digest the feelings that you realise what was happening was abuse and not your fault.
And no, I didn't grow up in an abusive household.

[Dee Leigh]

(Original post by Sugar.And.Spice)
I didn't grow up in an abusive household either, I think I was just lonely and had low self esteem when I met my abuser =/

I think people often wonder why some women go for abusive men. I used to wonder the same thing until I saw it from a different perspective - bullies and abusers tend to target those that they see as vulnerable. In your case, it was your low self esteem, so the guy you were with might have sensed that from you.

Don't think I am blaming you, because I am not (you are not to blame). I just think that bullies and abusers tend to target those who are vulnerable for whatever reason, hence leading on to them taking advantage of those who are vulnerable.

Just my two cents.

[Sugar.And.Spice]

(Original post by Dee Leigh)
I think people often wonder why some women go for abusive men. I used to wonder the same thing until I saw it from a different perspective - bullies and abusers tend to target those that they see as vulnerable. In your case, it was your low self esteem, so the guy you were with might have sensed that from you.

Don't think I am blaming you, because I am not (you are not to blame). I just think that bullies and abusers tend to target those who are vulnerable for whatever reason, hence leading on to them taking advantage of those who are vulnerable.

Just my two cents.

Yeah i agree actually, they usually go for those who they see as weaker and easy to control.
I swear its like a sixth sense they have, they can just sense those who have lower self esteem and confidence.

Of course anyone can be abused, and lots of times abusers go for loud and confident people also, maybe to feel they stronger by controlling and abusing someone who is so 'headstrong'.

[brunettegirl92]

my father was abusive to my mum as a child.
I think that that has given me absolutely no tolerance towards abusive relationships. If a guy tried to hit me, I'd be pretty furious and probably go at him with whatever weapon I could find.
Because I've seen a volatile relationship, the "I'm sorry, I love you" line won't work, neither would I excuse his behavior- I've learned that it is completely unacceptable.

[Dee Leigh]

(Original post by brunettegirl92)
my father was abusive to my mum as a child.
I think that that has given me absolutely no tolerance towards abusive relationships. If a guy tried to hit me, I'd be pretty furious and probably go at him with whatever weapon I could find.
Because I've seen a volatile relationship, the "I'm sorry, I love you" line won't work, neither would I excuse his behavior- I've learned that it is completely unacceptable.

I am so sorry to hear that

I agree - I also have zero tolerance towards abuse and abusive relationships. There is no love where there is abuse, and it is not something that can ever be excused, pardoned or justified. And yes, it is very unacceptable.

Like you, if anyone tried to hurt me I'd deck 'em, and I am not even a violent person. There have been times when people tried to hurt me and I would retaliate, so I would do it again. Imo if someone tries to attack me then I feel completely justified in defending myself.

Do you still talk to your parents? Are your parents still together?

[brunettegirl92]

(Original post by Dee Leigh)
I am so sorry to hear that

I agree - I also have zero tolerance towards abuse and abusive relationships. There is no love where there is abuse, and it is not something that can ever be excused, pardoned or justified. And yes, it is very unacceptable.

Like you, if anyone tried to hurt me I'd deck 'em, and I am not even a violent person. There have been times when people tried to hurt me and I would retaliate, so I would do it again. Imo if someone tries to attack me then I feel completely justified in defending myself.

Do you still talk to your parents? Are your parents still together?

nah - haven't spoken to my father in 15 years.
I agree - you can't love someone if you're violent to them, and there is no justification.
Although I have no tolerance towards violent relationships, I do see that they are very difficult to leave.

Hitting a violent partner back may cause a fight or even more violence, but its important to defend yourself and show that you refuse to be kicked around.
That helps overcome the conditioned feeling of helplessness that a violent partner inflicts on his or her supposed lover.

[Anonymous]

I was mentally abused for nearly a year. He was my first boyfriend at the age of 18, and the fact that no one had ever shown any interest in me before him definitely helped him take hold of my self-esteem. I also suffered from depression. He started off joking that I was stupid, but I started to believe it, and he stopped joking about it and became more serious. He constantly acted like he was in love with his best female friend to make me jealous. Very quickly into the relationship I was made not to wear revealing clothes- but his idea of revealing clothes was very very old-fashioned. I wasn't allowed to hang around with my male friends if there were no females present. Then he stopped taking me out anywhere, and I only saw him really late at night, when he'd sneak me in past his housemates and I would be quiet in his bedroom, they weren't told I existed. Once I woke up and he'd gone out and locked his bedroom door. I couldn't go to the bathroom or go home or anything. I didn't even know when he was coming back. I was constantly insulted and made to feel worthless. I tried comitting suicide several times just because we'd have got into a fight about something and he'd tell me it was my fault and break up with me. My suicide attempts then caused me to lose several friends who didn't want to deal with it.
Writing this all down, it is easy to imagine someone saying "Why didn't you realise you were being so easily controlled?" but someone like my ex can easily chip away at a vulnerable person's confidence. Everything my ex said or did made me feel like a belonging, not a person, and when you become like that you don't feel you can be away from that person. Even now it affects me- I'm in a relationship with someone that I don't feel is right for me, but can;t break up with him because I feel that no one will want me afterwards. I used to think "Why don't women just walk away from bad men?" now I know if my ex had used violence, I still don't think I could have left.

[Dee Leigh]

(Original post by brunettegirl92)
nah - haven't spoken to my father in 15 years.
I agree - you can't love someone if you're violent to them, and there is no justification.
Although I have no tolerance towards violent relationships, I do see that they are very difficult to leave.

Hitting a violent partner back may cause a fight or even more violence, but its important to defend yourself and show that you refuse to be kicked around.
That helps overcome the conditioned feeling of helplessness that a violent partner inflicts on his or her supposed lover.

I totally understand

And I totally agree I just don't like being messed around, especially by the ones who are supposed to love me.

I feel so sad for your mum too. It must have been hard for her. Did you end up cutting your dad out of your life? If so how? Are your parents still together? You don't have say if you don't want to.

[Dee Leigh]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I was mentally abused for nearly a year. He was my first boyfriend at the age of 18, and the fact that no one had ever shown any interest in me before him definitely helped him take hold of my self-esteem. I also suffered from depression. He started off joking that I was stupid, but I started to believe it, and he stopped joking about it and became more serious. He constantly acted like he was in love with his best female friend to make me jealous. Very quickly into the relationship I was made not to wear revealing clothes- but his idea of revealing clothes was very very old-fashioned. I wasn't allowed to hang around with my male friends if there were no females present. Then he stopped taking me out anywhere, and I only saw him really late at night, when he'd sneak me in past his housemates and I would be quiet in his bedroom, they weren't told I existed. Once I woke up and he'd gone out and locked his bedroom door. I couldn't go to the bathroom or go home or anything. I didn't even know when he was coming back. I was constantly insulted and made to feel worthless. I tried comitting suicide several times just because we'd have got into a fight about something and he'd tell me it was my fault and break up with me. My suicide attempts then caused me to lose several friends who didn't want to deal with it.
Writing this all down, it is easy to imagine someone saying "Why didn't you realise you were being so easily controlled?" but someone like my ex can easily chip away at a vulnerable person's confidence. Everything my ex said or did made me feel like a belonging, not a person, and when you become like that you don't feel you can be away from that person. Even now it affects me- I'm in a relationship with someone that I don't feel is right for me, but can;t break up with him because I feel that no one will want me afterwards. I used to think "Why don't women just walk away from bad men?" now I know if my ex had used violence, I still don't think I could have left.

I guess this ties in with what I said previously - abusive people tend to target those who are vulnerable.

How did you manage to get out of this relationship?

Out of curiousity, did you grow up in an abusive household?

I think you definately need counselling (and maybe CBT). I've had counselling before and it has helped me immensely. I also think.that you need to learn to love yourself, and learn to have lots of confidence and high self esteem before you embark on a relationship. I have had self esteem and confidence issues, so I haven't bothered to get into a relationship.

You deserve to be loved and respected so please remember that.

[Dee Leigh]

(Original post by Dee Leigh)
I think people often wonder why some women go for abusive men. I used to wonder the same thing until I saw it from a different perspective - bullies and abusers tend to target those that they see as vulnerable. In your case, it was your low self esteem, so the guy you were with might have sensed that from you.

Don't think I am blaming you, because I am not (you are not to blame). I just think that bullies and abusers tend to target those who are vulnerable for whatever reason, hence leading on to them taking advantage of those who are vulnerable.

Just my two cents.

Just to add to this point, people who grow up in abusive households tend to go into abusive relationships. Not always though. But abusive is cyclical imo.

This was posted from The Student Room's Android App on my GT-S5830

[brunettegirl92]

(Original post by Dee Leigh)
I totally understand

And I totally agree I just don't like being messed around, especially by the ones who are supposed to love me.

I feel so sad for your mum too. It must have been hard for her. Did you end up cutting your dad out of your life? If so how? Are your parents still together? You don't have say if you don't want to.

my parents divorced when i was two. he had been violent towards my mum, but when he started hurting my siblings she kicked him out. He always acted strangely towards me; he touched me innapropriately and something seemed a bit wierd or perverted - i noticed that even as a young child.

because of the violence i had supervised contact with him until the age of 5. I always hated him, and after having a supersize strop in the court welfare contact centre during one of the sessions supervised by a worker (i never liked her - she once dragged me through a corridor when i didn't want to leave my mum), a psychologist viewing the session through a one-way glass wall decided that it would be better if the contact programme was terminated.

my father came round the house shouting and being abusive, he left and I never saw him again.
He sent letters for a while, but I never wanted to see him.