[Penbole]

This is the first poem I have written. It is about a church that I walk past on my way to college, that was moved stone by stone to make way for the victorian railway line. Is it worth me carrying on with poetry?

Wilted shoot cast in stone;
Glazed by a golden course,
And a rippled tiptoeing sunrise-
Face hidden by a webbed canopy.

Split stem of a plant,
Picked up in displaced ancient wall,
(Blueprint veins worn by diverted visitors)
Drawn up from soil,
By clasping hand of a Saint-
Net of silk woven between his cracked feet-
Uprooted by fresh breath,
Crawling through three missing stones,
Gathered dust cascades from a granite font-
Reveals forgotten face left vacant
By missing crown.

Ripped from ground by coal blackened hands.
Engines now plough through his manger,
Leaving the shadow of Saint Stephen,
Waiting on the platform of a station.

[the bear]

That was very enjoyable penbole.
I did not understand all the references but followed the general idea. Well done

[Zangoose]

What kind of a poem is this? It doesn't even rhyme... Why didn't you just write a short story? I think it would be better if you did that because if you read this aloud, that's what it sounds like...

A short story...

[Penbole]

(Original post by the bear)
That was very enjoyable penbole.
I did not understand all the references but followed the general idea. Well done

Thx for your comment

(Original post by Zangoose)
What kind of a poem is this? It doesn't even rhyme... Why didn't you just write a short story? I think it would be better if you did that because if you read this aloud, that's what it sounds like...

A short story...

Poems don't have to rhyme?? I undertsand what you are saying about short story though I will make a more poemy version and a short story and see which works better

[Penbole]

Does anyone else have any ideas on how to improve it?

[Penbole]

Anyone?

[Zangoose]

(Original post by Penbole)
Does anyone else have any ideas on how to improve it?

Ripped from ground by coal blackened hands.
Engines now plough through his manger,
Leaving the shadow of Saint Stephen,
Waiting on the platform of a station.

I would get rid of the highlighted section. It's quite racist tbh

[Penbole]

(Original post by Zangoose)
I would get rid of the highlighted section. It's quite racist tbh

I fail to see how that is racist???

[hakking]

a) Yes you should carry on, the more you write the more you will improve
b) read any poetry you can get your hands on - you will improve or at least get ideas.

[meow444]

(Original post by Penbole)
This is the first poem I have written. It is about a church that I walk past on my way to college, that was moved stone by stone to make way for the victorian railway line. Is it worth me carrying on with poetry?

Wilted shoot cast in stone;
Glazed by a golden course,
And a rippled tiptoeing sunrise-
Face hidden by a webbed canopy.

Split stem of a plant,
Picked up in displaced ancient wall,
(Blueprint veins worn by diverted visitors)
Drawn up from soil,
By clasping hand of a Saint-
Net of silk woven between his cracked feet-
Uprooted by fresh breath,
Crawling through three missing stones,
Gathered dust cascades from a granite font-
Reveals forgotten face left vacant
By missing crown.

Ripped from ground by coal blackened hands.
Engines now plough through his manger,
Leaving the shadow of Saint Stephen,
Waiting on the platform of a station.

It's cool. I don't really understand all of it, I think maybe it is quite personal to you? I like the slight gothic quality. Who is Saint Stephen?

I think you need to work on making every word count. There shouldn't be any words in there that aren't working towards your ultimate goal (whatever that is). Same for punctuation. The best poets, in my opinion, manage to say a lot of things in a short space, and they really bring home their meaning/tone/theme through their choice of diction. So in the best poetry, words often work in a number of ways, they might have several meanings. Does that make sense? It's hard to explain.

Have you read any Seamus Heaney? He's great and I think you might like him. Some parts of your poem reminded me of 'Punishment' (which is my favourite), here's a link:

http://iamthelizardqueen.wordpress.c...ey-punishment/

[Penbole]

(Original post by meow444)
It's cool. I don't really understand all of it, I think maybe it is quite personal to you? I like the slight gothic quality. Who is Saint Stephen?

I think you need to work on making every word count. There shouldn't be any words in there that aren't working towards your ultimate goal (whatever that is). Same for punctuation. The best poets, in my opinion, manage to say a lot of things in a short space, and they really bring home their meaning/tone/theme through their choice of diction. So in the best poetry, words often work in a number of ways, they might have several meanings. Does that make sense? It's hard to explain.

Have you read any Seamus Heaney? He's great and I think you might like him. Some parts of your poem reminded me of 'Punishment' (which is my favourite), here's a link:

http://iamthelizardqueen.wordpress.c...ey-punishment/

Thank you so much for feedback, really appreciate it. Saint Stephen is a saint venerated byRoman Catholic, Anglican, Lutheran, Oriental Orthodox and Eastern Orthodox Churches. He is the saint of the church in the peom. I have put a few references to him in the poem i.e, the crown and 3 stones is how he is often depicted in religous paintings. I have to reference gothic architecture in the poem as I wrote the poem as a sideline to my A-Level art project looking at gothic architecture so I am glad you noticed it. I have looked at a couple of poems by Seamus Heaney at GCSE, so I will have at look at your suggestions. It is really helpful to recieve advice as I don't study English at college (I do A2 Biology, Maths and Art), so have few opportunities to receive constructive criticism.

[Ms.LastMinute.com]

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It's like 2pac said, when I die i'm not dead.
We are the Martyers, Your just squashed tomatoes.
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