[TaylorGang_4]

Silence assassinates social integration
Which is designated to vocally fertilize an outspoken population
Control over the masses creates external segregation
Which results in the world facing horrific devastation's
Revolutions arising in the Middle Eastern nations
By exploiting the evil and wicked dictators,
The people are spared political humiliation
There’s no turning back from the borders of social deterioration
Friends become enemies, quickly out of the equation
Not from deliberation but from the evil roots of financial domination
Banks declarations of increases in inflation
Results in the resucitation of a nation’s financial reformations
These hesitations demoralize a countries reputation
The world is facing another inauguration
Replacing the evil with subdued elevation
Will open pathways to God
Responsible for all great creations
He who has faith subsides any villainous persuasion
Because greed is what fuels excessive aggravation
Befriending alcohol is a sign of desperation
So the only way out is this heinous intoxication
This seems to have become a traditional obligation
Men lose concentration when a lady lacks sophistication
This is an indication of our social transformation
Our forefathers would be disgusted with this moral abrasion










I swear before oath that this world is nocous
People are frigthened of the prosperous
They become deceitful
Sway to the dark side and become monsters
The roots of evil destroy legacies
Obnoxious leaders play populous
This manipulation is fathomless
The system sedates our conscious
It psychologically abolishes promises
Conflicts turn colossal
Believers become agnostics
A thrombus in belief makes us wonder if this world is godless
The elegance in intelligence
And the elements of wisdom
Has led great men to conquer their kingdom
They fight for their homeland and bleed for their vision
Secluded by the composition of ethnical schism
Idealogys of self-entitlement creates culutrised divisions
Blinded by the darkness
We the people acquire night vision
Repression is fundamentally monumented by great scholars and scriptures
Alas historical inscriptions illustrate that hate is infiltrated by the misconceptions of religion
An insertion of methodical mindsets scrutanise the procession of peace
It makes us despise our brothers and sisters
A distance creates which disintegrates our moral subsistence
So lets become guerrillas
Evolutionar revolutionaries
And destroy the existence of great political influence

[spaceape]

My main criticism is that a longer phrase is used where a short phrase could suffice - on the page it comes across as overly verbose. However, when I was reading it I could picture it working very well to music - did you write it as if it was hip-hop bars? because in that context, i think it would work very well. The alliteration and rhyme is very reminiscent of that sort of music.

As far as meaning goes, to present your true meaning to more of your audience, it could be simplified - again, the verbose-ness (if that is a word) has a tendency to obscure meaning in parts. See the first two lines - designated is an unnecessary complication; how do you vocally fertilize a population that is already outspoken? The ideas are good but need to be focused.
Again though, this problem of meaning is overridden when imagined from a rapper - when said quickly the rhythm created by the assonance and alliteration would be pleasing enough as it is.

[TaylorGang_4]

(Original post by spaceape)
My main criticism is that a longer phrase is used where a short phrase could suffice - on the page it comes across as overly verbose. However, when I was reading it I could picture it working very well to music - did you write it as if it was hip-hop bars? because in that context, i think it would work very well. The alliteration and rhyme is very reminiscent of that sort of music.

As far as meaning goes, to present your true meaning to more of your audience, it could be simplified - again, the verbose-ness (if that is a word) has a tendency to obscure meaning in parts. See the first two lines - designated is an unnecessary complication; how do you vocally fertilize a population that is already outspoken? The ideas are good but need to be focused.
Again though, this problem of meaning is overridden when imagined from a rapper - when said quickly the rhythm created by the assonance and alliteration would be pleasing enough as it is.

It was initially in hip hop context

[spaceape]

In that case, you got the scansion spot on - flows like the amazon!

[SophiaKeuning]

(Original post by TaylorGang_4)
It was initially in hip hop context

I thought the same. I like it if that's the case, but as a poem it seems a little dense. Still good though!