[Kiss]

I wrote a poem recently, mainly inspired from watching Pirates of The Carribean and listening to Biffy Clyro's 'Only Revolutions' album . It's not spectacular, so I don't expect 100% positive feedback, and I have written other things. But this is the first time I've done something which rhymes. Let me know what you think:

One day, one dusk, and then a new dawn,
Set sail for vast new shores.
Watch the afternoon sunset, son
Hear the broadside cannons roar.

All the way to the horizon boys,
Make haste to make port by sundown.
Take heed, forewarned, of who we are son,
We'll pillage and sack this town.

Dance around in the setting sun,
Laugh all day, sing all night.
Rum is a sailor's best friend, son
Drink till the new day is in sight.

But though the life sounds tempting,
A deceiver I am to you.
Reality is a different story, son
It is a life I live untrue.

We swab the decks, we tire our bones,
We sweat till the day is done.
No rum, no laughter, no singing, son
Tis' a life lacking in fun.

Yet, my boy, if I was to be called the captain,
And swear allegiance to sand and sea,
No further look ye for adventure, son
I'd offer a life that is free.

And raise Old Roger upon the mast,
A flag most jolly to behold.
Sail at the wheel for seven yar, son
And search for woman, rum and gold.

So take thy advice for a life of ease,
And out with this old captain!
We shall run the scurvy dog through, son
And for us the ship shall remain.

And to reach a new day, a new dusk and a new dawn,
Under I me ‘arties we sail!
No nothing shall oppose, son
No never shall we fail!

[JessaminePoppy]

The rhythm definitely evokes a sea shanty, as do the "son" and "boy" repetitions.
You've got the popular conception of pirate language spot on (Pirates of the Carribean at work ). The stanzas are pretty well balanced and the rhymes are good (I have my doubts about a couple of verses, but hey my opinion only, right?).

The story is brilliant. I must say, the image of a sea-dog charming a boy with the romantics ideas and pictures of a life on the ocean seems realistic and smells of salt. I mean, the description is masterly. The yearning for freedom is well evoked too and the hints of mutiny add to the overall glint of the poem.

Certainly conjures wood, splinters, drink, whores, the sea, dislike of authority, rebellion, riches,...etc. Yep. Definitely piratey. I would have thought it a tad bit too floral for a sea-dog, but overall I think you can be proud of it.

[the bear]

very piratey !!

have some rep, son

[Kiss]

(Original post by JessaminePoppy)
The rhythm definitely evokes a sea shanty, as do the "son" and "boy" repetitions.
You've got the popular conception of pirate language spot on (Pirates of the Carribean at work ). The stanzas are pretty well balanced and the rhymes are good (I have my doubts about a couple of verses, but hey my opinion only, right?).

The story is brilliant. I must say, the image of a sea-dog charming a boy with the romantics ideas and pictures of a life on the ocean seems realistic and smells of salt. I mean, the description is masterly. The yearning for freedom is well evoked too and the hints of mutiny add to the overall glint of the poem.

Certainly conjures wood, splinters, drink, whores, the sea, dislike of authority, rebellion, riches,...etc. Yep. Definitely piratey. I would have thought it a tad bit too floral for a sea-dog, but overall I think you can be proud of it.

Yeah I kind thought maybe making it a bit more rugged and gritty but it was just something I came up with when I was bored one afternoon. I think I could add more verses to it, and you can sort of see a progression of the character revealing who he really is, not just as a sailor who longs to be a pirate but also as someone who is devious - I wanted to highlight this quality when he replaces 'you' with 'ye'. I'm hoping to use it for the next poetry slam so thanks for the advice!

(Original post by the bear)
very piratey !!

have some rep, son

Cheers!