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Can't seem to justify myself anymore

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    I always had this horrible habit of measuring my life's worth according to my achievements which was always strange because I was/am a person of extremely limited achievements. Especially intelligence always seemed to be an extremely important factor.

    In recent years, I became even more distraught with my average mind, especially when I chose to go to uni this year and study a mathematical course yet never being brilliant (or even good) at maths or anything else in the matter of fact (believe me, I am not exaggerating). Especially with the whole stress of A levels, I just feel weird as in why am I even here. I once told my best friend about it and he was like 'think of the starving children in Africa or people who have real problem' and his lecture initially worked and the guilt I felt did hide the weird feelings. However, my mind became even more twisted and I realised that there are so many people suffering now could do better in my place such as a bright child in Africa. At times when I think of my future and I think of mediocrity which just prompts the question, then what do I live for.

    I am not suicidal but I just keep thinking about it all the time but I am almost sure I won't do anything like that due to my religious beliefs. It's not even that I am depressed; it's just that my feelings nowadays either consist of guilt of wasting so much resources or confusion on what to do next. I just wish that I could get out of this mind frame.
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    You will eventually figure out what you want to do, don't worry about it. Explore our options and live a little of every life and find the life that clicks. You have these opportunities, it is well in your ability to take them.

    On the worth of your life, life isn't based off of past achievements, but potential achievements. You don't have to be brilliant to have ideas. Being brilliant helps to give you the tools to be amazing but they aren't what DOES make something amazing.

    Plenty of discoveries and inventions aren't made by amazing minds, but they still are amazing. The hoover? The computer? The EU?

    Find what makes you tick, follow it, and be brilliant at it in your own way. You don't need to make major differences, but the differences will still be there.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Plenty of discoveries and inventions aren't made by amazing minds, but they still are amazing. The hoover? The computer? The EU?
    Wait, what?
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    (Original post by Pheylan)
    Wait, what?
    Wait a sec, what am I thinking of...

    You know the guy who invented it worked in a post office, and it was roundabouts the time of the second world war.

    I'm awful with names... and apparently discoveries.
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    (Original post by Antiaris)
    Wait a sec, what am I thinking of...

    You know the guy who invented it worked in a post office, and it was roundabouts the time of the second world war.

    I'm awful with names... and apparently discoveries.
    I am pretty sure Alan Turing was one of the many geniuses who helped design the basics of computing.

    But you do realise the COMPUTER is a collection of thousands of peoples work? Have you any idea how a computer works?

    They are highly complex and no-one person designed it, it is the combination of so many peoples work.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I always had this horrible habit of measuring my life's worth according to my achievements which was always strange because I was/am a person of extremely limited achievements. Especially intelligence always seemed to be an extremely important factor.

    In recent years, I became even more distraught with my average mind, especially when I chose to go to uni this year and study a mathematical course yet never being brilliant (or even good) at maths or anything else in the matter of fact (believe me, I am not exaggerating). Especially with the whole stress of A levels, I just feel weird as in why am I even here. I once told my best friend about it and he was like 'think of the starving children in Africa or people who have real problem' and his lecture initially worked and the guilt I felt did hide the weird feelings. However, my mind became even more twisted and I realised that there are so many people suffering now could do better in my place such as a bright child in Africa. At times when I think of my future and I think of mediocrity which just prompts the question, then what do I live for.

    I am not suicidal but I just keep thinking about it all the time but I am almost sure I won't do anything like that due to my religious beliefs. It's not even that I am depressed; it's just that my feelings nowadays either consist of guilt of wasting so much resources or confusion on what to do next. I just wish that I could get out of this mind frame.
    I FEEL EXACTLY the same as you, like reading your words is like reading my own thoughts 2 years ago. I share your sense of achievement defining my life.

    However I have realised a few important things.

    1) Only 1 person in the world can ever be the "best" at any one thing. Even if you were more intelligent, you would never be "the cleverest" person. There are cambridge professors who's mathematical minds are trumped by freakishly clever 24 year olds. Ever seen Good Will Hunting? I used to be an athlete however I was never the best, to be the best would be impossible- I can't beat Usain Bolt or indeed many people far slower than him. Not being the best is normal!

    2) Pleasure and happiness is not derived from being the best. When you are good at something, you only feel SOOOO much pressure to stay in that position, to have to work your guts out to remain there. My happiness is derived from helping others, in anything and everything. Whether it's teaching disabled children at a charity, helping fundraise money for good causes or even something so tiny as carrying a old lady who lives near me shopping bags home and having a little chat on the journey from my local Tesco. In fact in doing other things, I have found that I am good at certain things. I am humbled by any compliments, but people have said that I am good at getting people to do things (whilst organising a fundraising concert) that my passion for what I am trying to raise money for really comes across and inspires others. That I have good organisational skills and can manage to get the near impossible done on tight deadlines.

    I think in today's world we are bombarded by "the self" and not enough about what we can do for others. We are made to feel that we have no self worth, but we do. Myself I have found refuge in the helping of others as well as in God, coverting to become a Sufi Muslim, following a spiritual path. Here is a quote from Marianne Williamsome, it can be called cliche as many have seen it before, but this is the full quote from her writing including the 2nd verse of it people haven't read. Although she uses Christianty as her form of religion, it makes little difference. Take a read.

    We’re tempted to think that we’re more impressive when we put on airs. We’re not, of course; we’re rather pathetic when we do that. “Grandiosity is always a cover for despair.” The light of Christ shines most brightly within us when we relax and let it be, allowing it to shine away our grandiose delusions. But we’re afraid to let down our masks. What is really happening here, unconsciously, is not that we are defending against our smallness. The ego is actually, in those moments, defending against God.

    Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the World. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

    A miracle worker is an artist of the soul. There’s no higher art than living a good life. An artist informs the world of what’s available behind the masks we all wear. That’s what we’re all here to do. The reason so many of us are obsessed with becoming stars is because we’re not yet starring in our own lives. The cosmic spotlight isn’t pointed at you; it radiates from within you. I used to feel like I was waiting for someone to discover me, to “produce” me, like Lana Turner at the drugstore. Ultimately I realized that the person I was waiting for was myself. If we wait for the world’s permission to shine, we will never receive it. The ego doesn’t give that permission. Only God does, and He has already done so. He has sent you here as His personal representative and is asking you to channel His love into the world. Are you waiting for a more important job? There isn’t one.
    – Marianne Williamson in A Return to Love: Reflections on the principles of a Course in Miracles, (New York: HarperCollins Publishers, 1992), p. 164-5.
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    (Original post by FranticMind)
    I am pretty sure Alan Turing was one of the many geniuses who helped design the basics of computing.

    But you do realise the COMPUTER is a collection of thousands of peoples work? Have you any idea how a computer works?

    They are highly complex and no-one person designed it, it is the combination of so many peoples work.
    Yes, I do have a fair idea about how they work. RAM, Motherboard, Logic board, Hard drive, cooling system (fan), random lights, etc.

    I think I am thinking of Thomas Leavitt, a man who invented a mail sorting machine which was the predator of the computer. Doesn't matter, just a name to try and emphasis a point, that a person doesn't need a brilliant mind to do brilliant things.

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Updated: April 18, 2012
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