[Anonymous]

Hello, just wondered what your opinion is regarding divorce in the case of my parents:

My parents fight a lot of the time. They've been married for 22 years, and the only reason they stay together is "for the children". Obviously the children include me (20) and my two younger brothers (9, and 18). We're Muslim, and Pakistani. My parents are amazing parents. They're just not very good to each other, in my opinion.

They have previously been separated for 7 years due to various reasons - mainly they are misunderstandings they've had in the past that have never (and can never) be resolved. As the eldest child, I've witnessed a lot more of their arguments and often have been asked, "whose fault is it"/"whose side are you on" and have to (and still do) listen to both of them complaining individually but never being able to do much about it - I used to put up with it before but I can't anymore so I stay out of it as much as I can now.

Ever since I was thirteen, I've told them to just get divorced - maybe I was being naive and thought that was the 'normal thing' back then. In our community, there's a big stigma attached to divorce as well. It is also believed that children who are brought up by single parents encounter greater difficulties in their future - including problems with future relationships, psychologically etc. If it was just me and my 18 year old brother, I think they would have split and gone their separate ways, but there is my youngest brother as well, and he's only 9. Whatever my parents might do to each other, they are both amazing parents, they pull together when it's needed and we're still a family at the end of the day.

So, my question is this: what do you think they should do? It's not like this thread will influence anything, but I want to know whether I'm wrong in encouraging divorce, especially since I'm the eldest?

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and reply

[Hopple]

Don't encourage divorce I don't know the circumstances but it doesn't sound like there's current abuse, just disagreement.

I'd say it's up to them. If their arguments are depressing or scaring your youngest brother then perhaps ask them to be considerate of him, but otherwise I don't see anything they should do. You say they can't make up with each other, so I can't say to push them to try harder.

[tobeamedic]

Best thing to do is to explain to them the effect it has on your small brother. It can be very damaging to him. Your outlook on life is positive which will benefit you in life. Dont encourage divorce.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Hopple)
Don't encourage divorce I don't know the circumstances but it doesn't sound like there's current abuse, just disagreement.

I'd say it's up to them. If their arguments are depressing or scaring your youngest brother then perhaps ask them to be considerate of him, but otherwise I don't see anything they should do. You say they can't make up with each other, so I can't say to push them to try harder.

(Original post by tobeamedic)
Best thing to do is to explain to them the effect it has on your small brother. It can be very damaging to him. Your outlook on life is positive which will benefit you in life. Dont encourage divorce.

Even if it involved domestic abuse in the past (although I don't remember this as I was very small), screaming so the whole neighbourhood hears, swearing beyond measure, breaking stuff (usually mobile phones), and both of them crying to me individually about how unhappy they are (it's really hard to see either parents cry, trust me)
?

[gagaslilmonsteruk]

No marriage doesn't go through a bad patch. They said they are staying together for the kids, and considering one of you is only 9, it may be years before a divorce, and that's IF they haven't reconciled. However, I don't believe its fair for you to be in the middle taking sides. Do you have a neutral-minded aunt/uncle who could try and offer some advice to them??

[Hopple]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Even if it involved domestic abuse in the past (although I don't remember this as I was very small), screaming so the whole neighbourhood hears, swearing beyond measure, breaking stuff (usually mobile phones), and both of them crying to me individually about how unhappy they are (it's really hard to see either parents cry, trust me)
?

To be honest, it sounds like they need to grow up. It's not difficult to be civil, they just need to learn not to expect things of each other. Rightly or wrongly, they've decided to stay together for their children (so they have good intentions), so it shouldn't be too difficult to convince them they need to behave for the children too, especially for the youngest. You can also mention that you don't want to be used by each against the other - what does your older younger brother think of it all?

[Iqbal007]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Hello, just wondered what your opinion is regarding divorce in the case of my parents:

My parents fight a lot of the time. They've been married for 22 years, and the only reason they stay together is "for the children". Obviously the children include me (20) and my two younger brothers (9, and 18). We're Muslim, and Pakistani. My parents are amazing parents. They're just not very good to each other, in my opinion.

They have previously been separated for 7 years due to various reasons - mainly they are misunderstandings they've had in the past that have never (and can never) be resolved. As the eldest child, I've witnessed a lot more of their arguments and often have been asked, "whose fault is it"/"whose side are you on" and have to (and still do) listen to both of them complaining individually but never being able to do much about it - I used to put up with it before but I can't anymore so I stay out of it as much as I can now.

Ever since I was thirteen, I've told them to just get divorced - maybe I was being naive and thought that was the 'normal thing' back then. In our community, there's a big stigma attached to divorce as well. It is also believed that children who are brought up by single parents encounter greater difficulties in their future - including problems with future relationships, psychologically etc. If it was just me and my 18 year old brother, I think they would have split and gone their separate ways, but there is my youngest brother as well, and he's only 9. Whatever my parents might do to each other, they are both amazing parents, they pull together when it's needed and we're still a family at the end of the day.

So, my question is this: what do you think they should do? It's not like this thread will influence anything, but I want to know whether I'm wrong in encouraging divorce, especially since I'm the eldest?

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and reply

I'm asian as well, I find it normal to be honest that they argue and stuff and are normal eventually and back to being with one another. Maybe your comparing this to the way marriage is weird from the European perspective or the way you see it on TV........marriage in Asian culture and people's faith aren't necessarily just about 2 people, also the 2 families, their commitment to each other as well as children. We have a stronger emphasis to making it work.

But don't be encouraging such a thing, fix the issue resolve it properly, South Asians have this issue of pride, but as your a Muslim bring in your faith explaining the wrongs of pride and honour and explain the importance of them being husband and wife to each other, their obligations to each other.

[tobeamedic]

Indeed its hard to see parents cry. Your parents seems to be good parents apart from this issue. I hope things get better

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Hopple)
To be honest, it sounds like they need to grow up. It's not difficult to be civil, they just need to learn not to expect things of each other. Rightly or wrongly, they've decided to stay together for their children (so they have good intentions), so it shouldn't be too difficult to convince them they need to behave for the children too, especially for the youngest. You can also mention that you don't want to be used by each against the other - what does your older younger brother think of it all?

My brother doesn't express his emotions/opinions much. I guess guys don't generally, but whenever our parents fight, he gets really fed up. It's worse for him now, because I'm away at uni most of the time, and he's still stuck in the house. But whenever I've talked about divorce in the past, he always seemed to think it was a bad idea

(Original post by Iqbal007)
I'm asian as well, I find it normal to be honest that they argue and stuff and are normal eventually and back to being with one another. Maybe your comparing this to the way marriage is weird from the European perspective or the way you see it on TV........marriage in Asian culture and people's faith aren't necessarily just about 2 people, also the 2 families, their commitment to each other as well as children. We have a stronger emphasis to making it work.

But don't be encouraging such a thing, fix the issue resolve it properly, South Asians have this issue of pride, but as your a Muslim bring in your faith explaining the wrongs of pride and honour and explain the importance of them being husband and wife to each other, their obligations to each other.

I'm not under any illusions - I know what asian families are like. I have aunts and uncles just like my parents, and then I know those muslim pakistani couples who argue, but resolve it at the end of the day, and they do things together as families and there's not a tense atmosphere in the house. And the kids can talk to either of their parents without upsetting one when going to the other.
Maybe I AM being idealistic, but surely a marriage isn't just about signing yourself down for a life of unhappiness.

I'm their daughter: their eldest. I've explained the good/better way of living as best as I can. I've tried to appeal to both their parental sense of responsibility, their identity as Muslims.. everything. Tonight, I saw my Dad cry for the first time in ages. My Mum cries most of the time. This isn't going to ever get resolved - it's been going on for the past decade. Even in Islam, divorce is still an option, isn't it? I'm sorry, but as their daughter, do you think they even take me seriously if I chat about their obligations to each other?

Their arguments affect the whole family. But more than anyone, they are both individually unhappy.

[Subrak]

Love can be a prickly thing. But if they're always fighting - and they only stomach eachother "For the Kids"?
Then absolutely, they really ought to divorce and stop hurting those around them.
They have a lot of nerve to bring a child into the world, then allow that child to grow up seeing them fight - Children want FUN, they want to learn(Even if they don't realize it, it's our nature!)
If a child sees their parents arguing from a young age, the likelihood of that child growing up to be like them - Arguing about everything... Is quite large. Nobody wants another screeching-idiot that argues about the littlist thing in the world, best stop while they're ahead. Ask them to get along - If they don't..?
Truthfully, I don't know what I could suggest. I'd screw with their consciousnesses personally - and before long, they'd be too pissed at how ridiculous I'd make them look because of their childish-arguing to hate on each other. Perhaps tell your youngest brother to ask them to stop arguing - or try and get some counselling for them. A psychologist can make all the difference sometimes.
That said, if they're too "Proud" to seek help, I've got no idea what you could do.

Love isn't eternal. Life isn't a Twilight-book... Perhaps reminding them of why they gave birth to you originally may help.

[JongKey]

Definitely don't encourage divorce, this is your parents' issue and it may not be healthy for your younger sibling. Maybe talk to your parents about the way they act towards each other? Because i doubt that'll be healthy for your younger brother either. With them being pakistani muslims, they'd really leave divorce as a last resort so it'll be really hard to convince them otherwise. Your parents may not be perfect and they may not be extremely happy with each other but you've got to hand it to them for sticking it out for the sake of your family. Maybe get your mum out a bit and join some clubs (swimming?), get her mind away from the family for a while?

[Anonymous]

my parents divorce last easter
just before i turned 20 (i too am the oldest child)
after years and years of arguments
all they did was argue. if they didnt argue they wouldnt talk to eachother
and then they would complain to me about eachother
its your parents choice if they divorce so i wouldnt encourage it
but i would explain to them that having to hear/witness them argue and hurl abusive language at eachother is much more detrimental to someone's mental health than them not being together.
i have to admit i was kind of relieved when they separated (although they chose an awful time to do so, just before my brothers GCSE's)
they've stayed friends, and we even spent xmas together, just the 4 of us, but i still do have to hear them complain about eachother
it's just a lot easier now there's no awkward silences or tension at home
it feels a lot more comfortable and the atmosphere is much nicer
good luck

[mel0n]

As if you would ask an internet forum of students about whether your parents should divorce. A lot of people have family problems and I am in no way trying to downplay yours but don't encourage it. If they are to divorce then let it be of their own accord without you making suggestions - I would hate my parents to divorce and wouldn't ever encourage it to happen, if it did of their own choice then that would be a different thing.

[Kazbian]

I'm glad my parents divorced. They're happier now than they would have been still together.

Saying that though, I'm not sure if it's your place to encourage them to divorce. Instead you could tell them that your concerned about them, and the effects they're having on you and your siblings.

Ultimately, only you can predict what their reactions will be if you suggest a divorce to them. If you know they can handle it and you honestly feel they should consider it, then tell them you feel that way. Be careful though; it's their choice and you don't want to get too involved in it.

[Iqbal007]

(Original post by Anonymous)
My brother doesn't express his emotions/opinions much. I guess guys don't generally, but whenever our parents fight, he gets really fed up. It's worse for him now, because I'm away at uni most of the time, and he's still stuck in the house. But whenever I've talked about divorce in the past, he always seemed to think it was a bad idea




I'm not under any illusions - I know what asian families are like. I have aunts and uncles just like my parents, and then I know those muslim pakistani couples who argue, but resolve it at the end of the day, and they do things together as families and there's not a tense atmosphere in the house. And the kids can talk to either of their parents without upsetting one when going to the other.
Maybe I AM being idealistic, but surely a marriage isn't just about signing yourself down for a life of unhappiness.

I'm their daughter: their eldest. I've explained the good/better way of living as best as I can. I've tried to appeal to both their parental sense of responsibility, their identity as Muslims.. everything. Tonight, I saw my Dad cry for the first time in ages. My Mum cries most of the time. This isn't going to ever get resolved - it's been going on for the past decade. Even in Islam, divorce is still an option, isn't it? I'm sorry, but as their daughter, do you think they even take me seriously if I chat about their obligations to each other?

Their arguments affect the whole family. But more than anyone, they are both individually unhappy.

Being brought up here, you don't really hear of marriage in comparison to external communities, when you do they are normally idealic.

Divorce is allowed, but before that is even allowed their are numerous steps of reconciliation before taking such a step. Well they should whatever your age or gender may be, their are numerous things in Islam saying that you shouldn't ignore someone just because their young or so.

Well you need to look at the root causes and find an answer to it.