(Original post by miser)
Well, actually I was doing the opposite. I had questions about my religion, my faith - real questions, not doubts - and I assumed that my faith was strong enough to withstand the answers those questions. I had questions about Christianity which I asked my family's immediate Christian community, but I often received conflicting answers (for example questions about dinosaurs, evolution, Noah's Ark or biblical literalism and teachings), and I thought that there were genuine answers to these. I wanted to strengthen my faith by finding these answers. I was devout, truly.
After I began to realise that the answers I was receiving from the Christians I knew in person mostly conflicted, I tried looking online. Online I discovered no reassurances, only the most incredible arguments, the sheer force of which I was completely unprepared to address. The arguments against my position were so strong, and my defences so weak, that there was nothing I could do. I tried to find arguments to counter them, to support Christianity, but simply exposing myself to the articulate explanations detailing the short-comings of my position, of religion in general, and giving a fair hearing to them, zapped my faith entirely over a period of a few weeks. There was no way for me to honestly reconcile Christian faith after exposure to atheism on the internet, I mean that.
You say that I admit that God still exists, I don't mean to. A personal frailty of mine wishes genuinely to be able to acknowledge a God, for there to be a God, a place to go, a person to comfort me when I need him. I want there to be a God, I want to believe in one, but only if it's genuine.
I have heard your story before. I enjoyed it when I was a Christian, but its meaning to me now is lost. It is comforting, or it was comforting to me. I'm not worried about God carrying me, but the people that genuinely suffer in this world. If God is truly benevolent, and truly almighty, he is horrible to let people suffer the ways in which they do. Truth be told, even if God was proven to me to exist, I can't respect him anymore. If I am wrong, and a God does exist, then he will have a lot to answer for when I meet him, and I don't particularly expect his omnibenevolence to reach me, because no doubt he will send me to hell for my doubts.