[leungzero]

*new video include lyrics*
I just wrote this song, but I am slightly not too sure about the lyrics,
hmm...I dont know whether I should try to put more bigger words into the lyrics or completely change the lyrics, because I am not sure do I sound stupid...




new version: (generally tuned down for half a step and then sing again)
http://www.box.com/s/8e1387a6fdfeecfb3c67

thank you again

[modini]

Basically a good song. It's got a good tune and the lyrics are pretty good I thought. I would criticise it by saying the singing was a bit weak and flat and the guitaring(?) was a bit too... simple? But then again, I'm no Simon Cowell so I'm not exactly an expert.

[willbee]

It's a good song but your breathing is a bit off and it sounds like you're running out of breath and the end of some of your words. But you've got a really nice breathy quality, very relaxed tone. Don't get so relaxed that you go flat as you seem to in that recording. You've got a great voice though, and as a song it's pretty good. I don't know if you can really hit some of the higher notes though, without going flat, so maybe tweak that? The thing about writing your own song is that you can make it fit your own vocal range. I like the song though, it's sweet.

[leungzero]

(Original post by willbee)
It's a good song but your breathing is a bit off and it sounds like you're running out of breath and the end of some of your words. But you've got a really nice breathy quality, very relaxed tone. Don't get so relaxed that you go flat as you seem to in that recording. You've got a great voice though, and as a song it's pretty good. I don't know if you can really hit some of the higher notes though, without going flat, so maybe tweak that? The thing about writing your own song is that you can make it fit your own vocal range. I like the song though, it's sweet.

it really works!! i lower the music by half a tone, and it seems its working, my higher notes are better now and generally better thank you so much!!!

[KT9]

I like it. (Only listened to the second one.) I played it again and left it on while I browsed around on TSR. If it came on the radio while I was driving along I'd be tapping the steering wheel and half singing along.

[willbee]

Okay, I just listened to it again and I think some of the lyrics are a little bit awful:

"I want to kiss you til I die."

In my personal opinion, your music is good but your lyrics and topic make it generic. If you look at Ed Sheeran's "The A-Team", one of the reasons a lot of people liked it so much was that it was a really good tune and they could sing along but it also had a bit of narrative and despite it's happy sound was actually about a homeless drug-addicted prostitute who dies alone. I'm not saying you need to do that, but maybe you could try thinking of something that matters to you, whether it's a social issue, a person, an object or a memory. Everyone can connect with love of course, but there are loads of love songs out there and I just think your song could be much improved if you wrote the lyrics about something you cared about a bit more. At the moment the lyrics sort of sound like things you've heard and cliches you've seen in Hollywood worlds but not something you know that well.

I think you should try finding something that inspires you and just write some lyrics about it. Read some poetry maybe? In Sarah Kane's "4.48 Psychosis" she has a line which says "Last in a long line of literary kleptomaniacs" --- if you see a line or quote that inspires you, you can use it. But instead of saying you wrote it you say it was an "allusion", and suddenly you're a genius.

Anyway, sorry to be so critical. I admire all the effort you've put into this.