[Anonymous]

This is beyond confusing, all of these posts... which path is right?
On the other hand, I have my own advice I was given and that was, "The best revenge is to live well." I will one day forgive... but not yet. I am not ready, nor am I living well just yet. 'Til then, I see a bright future, because I know my strengths and weaknesses. But for now, it is best to make the best of things. Get good grades, find your talents, have good friends... Nobody can truly take those away from you.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Anonymous)
This is beyond confusing, all of these posts... which path is right?
On the other hand, I have my own advice I was given and that was, "The best revenge is to live well." I will one day forgive... but not yet. I am not ready, nor am I living well just yet. 'Til then, I see a bright future, because I know my strengths and weaknesses. But for now, it is best to make the best of things. Get good grades, find your talents, have good friends... Nobody can truly take those away from you.

Well no-one can tell you which is right...that is up to you...

Like you I want to live well. I want to start living my life. I just want to be a normal human being living a great life. But will I ever forgive? I don't believe so. I can't anyway, and I don't want to. I don't think I ever will.

[ViceVersa]

(Original post by Anonymous)


To answer this question, I couldn't. It also doesn't help that the abusers (who were my parents) don't see any fault in what they did and are not repentant and try to still blame me, despite things being so bad that I made an attempt on my life. So no, I couldn't forgive, and I won't ever forgive.

In fact, I'm finding that no matter what, I can't forgive. The problem is though, some people often make me feel bad about that, so sometimes I am made to feel bad because I don't forgive. I remember a lady I was confiding in at school, and she said that I just "had" to forgive and just move on, like it was something I was obliged to do, and something which I had to do, as though everything could be so simple and fine and dandy.

I don't want to force forgiveness. But I don't believe I can ever forgive. And like one previous poster said, sometimes forgiveness can mean that you give power or justification to the abuser for them to do it again or get away with it.

http://www.wnd.com/2003/10/21257/

I wish I knew who you were, because I can relate to everything you've just said Your first paragraph is exactly like me, I've been in the situation in the second paragraph a couple of times, and I agree with the third.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by ViceVersa)
I wish I knew who you were, because I can relate to everything you've just said Your first paragraph is exactly like me, I've been in the situation in the second paragraph a couple of times, and I agree with the third.

[james22]

I could forgive anyone for anything if I thought that they had genuinly changed.

[Welsh.Dude]

I never have and never will

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Welsh.Dude)
I never have and never will

Same here

[Anonymous]

My parent's weren't directly responsible, but when i told my mum about the abuse she didn't belive me, yelled at me, and left me in a position to carry on being abused.

I definately have the capacity to forgive but it was so long ago i don't know if she even remembers so i'd rather just forget and move on then bring it up with her. Plus she's pretty mentally unstable these days and it'd probably just cause her to have an episode and *I* would be the one picking up the pieces and trying to make *her* feel better about everything.

[The_Lonely_Goatherd]

I wasn't abused by my parents as a child but I was abused by my mother figure at university whilst in a psychotic episode (so very young mental age - around 3/4 - and generally reduced mental capacity). The sense of betrayal was immense and it took me a very long time to realise that the situation had not been my fault. I was recently diagnosed with (complex) post-traumatic stress as a result of this relationship and my psychiatrist is trying to find a female counselling psychologist who specialises in trauma, for me to see.

Someone wisely once said to me that forgiveness isn't about forgetting but is about being able to genuinely wish your abuser well and (if religious, as I am) to be able to pray for them. I'm still so hurt and angry with my mother figure... but that doesn't stop me loving her, wishing her well or praying for her. I don't think I'll ever forgive her in the conventional sense of forgiveness - or at least not for a long time - but in the sense I've described, I think I have

[ViceVersa]

(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
I wasn't abused by my parents as a child but I was abused by my mother figure at university whilst in a psychotic episode (so very young mental age - around 3/4 - and generally reduced mental capacity). The sense of betrayal was immense and it took me a very long time to realise that the situation had not been my fault. I was recently diagnosed with (complex) post-traumatic stress as a result of this relationship and my psychiatrist is trying to find a female counselling psychologist who specialises in trauma, for me to see.

Someone wisely once said to me that forgiveness isn't about forgetting but is about being able to genuinely wish your abuser well and (if religious, as I am) to be able to pray for them. I'm still so hurt and angry with my mother figure... but that doesn't stop me loving her, wishing her well or praying for her. I don't think I'll ever forgive her in the conventional sense of forgiveness - or at least not for a long time - but in the sense I've described, I think I have

You're like, one of the best people I've ever 'met' and 'seen' around.

[The_Lonely_Goatherd]

(Original post by ViceVersa)
You're like, one of the best people I've ever 'met' and 'seen' around.

Awww, thank you

[Dragonfly07]

Yes, I can. Parents often abuse their children thinking that what they're doing is actually good for them. As long as the abuse isn't out of pure sadism then it's forgivable.

[ViceVersa]

(Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
Awww, thank you

Just saying the truth

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Dragonfly07)
Yes, I can. Parents often abuse their children thinking that what they're doing is actually good for them. As long as the abuse isn't out of pure sadism then it's forgivable.

I find that hard to believe.

In my opinion any adult with any brain cells will know that they are abusing or bullying someone. Just because a parent does it doesn't mean it is okay because the parent "doesn't know what they are doing." If a parent can't see that then they do not deserve to be parents. It doesn't take a genius to know when you are abusing a person. I guess in some circumstances I can see what you are saying (e.g. if a person is an alcholic or has mental health problems). But I still would not forgive.

Just my two cents.

[Dragonfly07]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I find that hard to believe.

In my opinion any adult with any brain cells will know that they are abusing or bullying someone. Just because a parent does it doesn't mean it is okay because the parent "doesn't know what they are doing." If a parent can't see that then they do not deserve to be parents. It doesn't take a genius to know when you are abusing a person. I guess in some circumstances I can see what you are saying (e.g. if a person is an alcholic or has mental health problems). But I still would not forgive.

Just my two cents.

I had two abusive parents. I understand the individual reasons for each of them.

My father genuinely believed that he was protecting me from myself when he locked me in a room for months with a daily check of my coat pocket to check if I was hiding anything plus appointing my brother as a bodyguard, sitting on a chair in the corner of the room watching me to check that I wasn't doing anything "funny". I would have punishments such as not getting food, showers or the right to brush my teeth if I was caught playing soitaire on a computer that didn't have internet on it. I recognise that he has mental illnesses, as well as a religion to **** up his mind even more. I never had to forgive him because I always understood his condition. The only thing I will never forgive him for is what he did to my mother.

My mum was abusive in a completely different way and I recognise that she was taking her frustration out on me because of other things that were happening to her at the time. She's not with him now, she apologised to me and she recognises that she was wrong.

All in all, I barely think about it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Omg that is so sad I also had abusive parents and I will never forgive them for what they did.

(Original post by Dragonfly07)
I had two abusive parents. I understand the individual reasons for each of them.

My father genuinely believed that he was protecting me from myself when he locked me in a room for months with a daily check of my coat pocket to check if I was hiding anything plus appointing my brother as a bodyguard, sitting on a chair in the corner of the room watching me to check that I wasn't doing anything "funny". I would have punishments such as not getting food, showers or the right to brush my teeth if I was caught playing soitaire on a computer that didn't have internet on it. I recognise that he has mental illnesses, as well as a religion to **** up his mind even more. I never had to forgive him because I always understood his condition. The only thing I will never forgive him for is what he did to my mother.

To be honest, sorry if this sounds offensive, but your dad sounds like a complete t***. Never mind what he believed, it was so wrong. Children should never be treated like that. You were demonised and treated like a prisoner. If a stranger did that to you it would be totally acceptable. Just because a parent does it and has "reasons" doesn't make it okay. If fact why should be okay just because a parent treats you that way?

I've come across your previous posts before, and I am not surprised that you left home (but was disowned in the process). That was a good thing to do. Being in a household like that is very dysfunctional and damaging. If I were you I would never get back into contact with him again.

(Original post by Dragonfly07)
My mum was abusive in a completely different way and I recognise that she was taking her frustration out on me because of other things that were happening to her at the time. She's not with him now, she apologised to me and she recognises that she was wrong.

I can understand you forgiving your mum, at least she is aware of what she did and she is sorry. That's very good. Imo she is the kind of person who deserves forgiveness...it's good she's not with him now...is she divorced from him.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Dragonfly07)
I had two abusive parents. I understand the individual reasons for each of them.

My father genuinely believed that he was protecting me from myself when he locked me in a room for months with a daily check of my coat pocket to check if I was hiding anything plus appointing my brother as a bodyguard, sitting on a chair in the corner of the room watching me to check that I wasn't doing anything "funny". I would have punishments such as not getting food, showers or the right to brush my teeth if I was caught playing soitaire on a computer that didn't have internet on it. I recognise that he has mental illnesses, as well as a religion to **** up his mind even more. I never had to forgive him because I always understood his condition. The only thing I will never forgive him for is what he did to my mother.

My mum was abusive in a completely different way and I recognise that she was taking her frustration out on me because of other things that were happening to her at the time. She's not with him now, she apologised to me and she recognises that she was wrong.

All in all, I barely think about it anymore.

Also it's one thing to understand the reasons behind it...but it's never acceptable. Ever. No matter what.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Dragonfly07)
All in all, I barely think about it anymore.

I was physically and emotionally abused, and emotionally neglected for most of my childhood.

For me, it still affects me so badly. I suffer from depression as a result. I have very negative thoughts and suicidal thoughts. I have even had a couple of breakdowns and I have attempted suicide in the past. I have had counselling and now I am planning to have CBT (and maybe psychotherapy or counselling alongside CBT). I don't know if I will ever recover, if I will ever be a normal person living a normal life. I'm glad I'm getting help because what I went through would have been (and could still be) the death of me.

So I really couldn't forgive my parents no matter what because of the damage they did. They don't care and are not sorry anyway, and still want to use me as a scapegoat (typical behaviour/attitude from abusers).