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Sexuality... Help

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    Hey everyone,
    My real question is really... What do I do if I really don't know where I stand with my sexuality? I'm a girl, I've had boyfriends before but never slept with them - I also haven't ever kissed a girl... Therefore obviously you're reading this like 'how do you even think you're confused' - But I really don't know where I stand on the whole debate. I can't say that from an early age I've always liked girls or anything like that, I was a real tomboy when I was younger up until about 12 but even now I'm not a real real girly girl.

    I'm just hoping someone can help me sort of... find a pathway to help myself really... Off to Uni in September and this is all way over my head!

    Thanks x
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    You don't necessarily need to give yourself a label, and just because you have some of the stereotypes of homosexual women it doesn't mean you are one. I'm a bisexual man but there are absolutely no outward signs. I know what it's like being confused about your sexuality, but as long as you accept this confusion, you should be all right. I kinda like my uncertainty, it makes me feel that I could find love anywhere.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey everyone,
    My real question is really... What do I do if I really don't know where I stand with my sexuality? I'm a girl, I've had boyfriends before but never slept with them - I also haven't ever kissed a girl... Therefore obviously you're reading this like 'how do you even think you're confused' - But I really don't know where I stand on the whole debate. I can't say that from an early age I've always liked girls or anything like that, I was a real tomboy when I was younger up until about 12 but even now I'm not a real real girly girl.

    I'm just hoping someone can help me sort of... find a pathway to help myself really... Off to Uni in September and this is all way over my head!

    Thanks x

    Well to start off. Do you acutally find women sexually attractive? I know it can be very confusing, you don't have had to kiss a girl to know if you find them attractive or not You also don't have to adhere to stereotypes, I am a gay man and am not camp in any way really or flamboyant I am just a "normal guy" (can't think of a better word ) You don't need to place yourself in a box or label either, just let things come naturally and in time you'll know. It's all about understanding yourself, I look back now and think it really does make sense that I am gay, I even remmeber being attracted to boys when like 12/13 in school but then I didn't understand what it meant I just thought I was jealous of the way they looked or something.... What I am trying to say is things will piece themselves together bit by it
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    You say that you've had boyfriends but not slept with them - did you want to, and enjoy, kissing them? Cuddling them? Did you find their looks or personality attractive? And with women - would you want to kiss another woman, or hold them and be intimate with them?

    You might not be that interested in anyone at the moment; I didn't really get strong feelings of physical attraction until I was about seventeen (which was considered odd, in my social group!), and had never met a woman I was attracted to until my first year of university.

    Trust me when I say it's the sort of thing you will figure out over time. No one can tell you whether you're gay or straight or bisexual or asexual or anything else: just go about your life, worry about other things, have fun, and eventually you may suddenly realise that that you wish to date, and kiss, and sleep with, certain people - and that will tell you your orientation!

    And trust me, being a tomboy or a "girly-girl" has nothing to do with anything.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by restoration)
    Well to start off. Do you acutally find women sexually attractive? I know it can be very confusing, you don't have had to kiss a girl to know if you find them attractive or not You also don't have to adhere to stereotypes, I am a gay man and am not camp in any way really or flamboyant I am just a "normal guy" (can't think of a better word ) You don't need to place yourself in a box or label either, just let things come naturally and in time you'll know. It's all about understanding yourself, I look back now and think it really does make sense that I am gay, I even remmeber being attracted to boys when like 12/13 in school but then I didn't understand what it meant I just thought I was jealous of the way they looked or something.... What I am trying to say is things will piece themselves together bit by it
    I'm not sure, this is going to sound totally.. I don't know but I find a teacher really attractive but haven't really had a crush on any other girls - i guess - in the same way that I have guys before.. I know! I dont WANT to label myself anything, but it feels like it may almost be easier in my own head if i do as that way I know where I stand. It's so confusing. I almost want to sort things out so I dont have it running through my head over exam season, but of course I understand it's not at all an overnight thing what so ever. I just want things to be simple!!

    (Original post by TheGreatAbiSnail)
    You say that you've had boyfriends but not slept with them - did you want to, and enjoy, kissing them? Cuddling them? Did you find their looks or personality attractive? And with women - would you want to kiss another woman, or hold them and be intimate with them?

    You might not be that interested in anyone at the moment; I didn't really get strong feelings of physical attraction until I was about seventeen (which was considered odd, in my social group!), and had never met a woman I was attracted to until my first year of university.

    Trust me when I say it's the sort of thing you will figure out over time. No one can tell you whether you're gay or straight or bisexual or asexual or anything else: just go about your life, worry about other things, have fun, and eventually you may suddenly realise that that you wish to date, and kiss, and sleep with, certain people - and that will tell you your orientation!

    And trust me, being a tomboy or a "girly-girl" has nothing to do with anything.
    In terms of the boyfriends thing... The last one I felt almost pushed into, we spoke a lot but when it came to actually getting together I wasn't 100% at the time, and was a loooong time running while we were together. We didn't kiss a lot at all and were more like friends than 'lovers' as it were. I have no idea how I would feel about a woman really. To me I'd like to think it comes down to personality all together and THAT be the deciding factor - not the gender - but I don't know how realistic that aspect is as I'm hardly experienced in either corner.

    I totally understand and agree with what you're saying like, you can't be told by others. I think for me, I want to have it down in paper and have it sorted, rather than be thinking over it.... considering it.... talking about it etc. I haven't spoken to, really, any of my friends about it. I have to one but not recently to tell her the new sort of, developments as it were. I pretended I knew where I was going with things but the last few weeks I've been more unsure than ever.

    The whole stereotype tomboy thnig really bugs me - but i guess it makes sense to some degree with a lot of people which i suppose is what makes things even more hard/obvious/confused for me!! - So difficult!!!

    Thank you all xxx
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm not sure, this is going to sound totally.. I don't know but I find a teacher really attractive but haven't really had a crush on any other girls - i guess - in the same way that I have guys before.. I know! I dont WANT to label myself anything, but it feels like it may almost be easier in my own head if i do as that way I know where I stand. It's so confusing. I almost want to sort things out so I dont have it running through my head over exam season, but of course I understand it's not at all an overnight thing what so ever. I just want things to be simple!!



    In terms of the boyfriends thing... The last one I felt almost pushed into, we spoke a lot but when it came to actually getting together I wasn't 100% at the time, and was a loooong time running while we were together. We didn't kiss a lot at all and were more like friends than 'lovers' as it were. I have no idea how I would feel about a woman really. To me I'd like to think it comes down to personality all together and THAT be the deciding factor - not the gender - but I don't know how realistic that aspect is as I'm hardly experienced in either corner.

    I totally understand and agree with what you're saying like, you can't be told by others. I think for me, I want to have it down in paper and have it sorted, rather than be thinking over it.... considering it.... talking about it etc. I haven't spoken to, really, any of my friends about it. I have to one but not recently to tell her the new sort of, developments as it were. I pretended I knew where I was going with things but the last few weeks I've been more unsure than ever.

    The whole stereotype tomboy thnig really bugs me - but i guess it makes sense to some degree with a lot of people which i suppose is what makes things even more hard/obvious/confused for me!! - So difficult!!!

    Thank you all xxx

    I see Don't worry that makes sense, just think to yourself for now (this is what I did) whatever you feel attraction is normal and OK. It might seem easier in your head to label yourself, I felt the same way too before I finally realised, but if your not sure just go with the flow and see what happens, maybe date a girl if you can find what that is and what you think! I've been with girls and guys and can easily say that I am gay it makes it alot easier to realise.

    If you want to talk about anything, need further advice or whatever just ask me here or pm or something.
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    If you feel you're attracted to guys more so then girls and you want a label then just say to yourself that you're mostly heterosexual. That way you're not fully boxed into a label.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm not sure, this is going to sound totally.. I don't know but I find a teacher really attractive but haven't really had a crush on any other girls ...
    Are you sexually attracted to this female teacher though? I've attached myself to many female teachers/uni tutors over the years and even had a very deep connection with the last woman it happened with, but it's not really a sexual thing. I just have mother figure issues and attach to/idolise female authority figures who are caring towards me. Various people at uni began automatically questioning my sexuality for me and I'm still undecided on what it is but I honestly didn't want to have sex or even kiss these women. Even with the deep connection relationship, it was more a meeting of minds :yes:

    Without wanting to sound too Freudian: what's your relationship with your mother like?
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    Just see what happens when you're in the right time and situation - it should clear your head for you
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    (Original post by The_Lonely_Goatherd)
    Without wanting to sound too Freudian: what's your relationship with your mother like?
    Haha no worries, I study psychology so I totally understand where you're coming from. My relationship with my mum is... good, as in we get on with eachother fairly well but we're not close. I wouldn't talk to her about anything like this personally and never spoke to her much about my relationship with my ex. We're close on some things and then completely separate on others... I wouldn't say she'd be someone I'd go to for help with personal issues... If this helps at all..
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Haha no worries, I study psychology so I totally understand where you're coming from. My relationship with my mum is... good, as in we get on with eachother fairly well but we're not close. I wouldn't talk to her about anything like this personally and never spoke to her much about my relationship with my ex. We're close on some things and then completely separate on others... I wouldn't say she'd be someone I'd go to for help with personal issues... If this helps at all..
    Do you feel particularly close to this teacher you are attracted to? Is it a romantic/sexual attraction or is it platonic?
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    Being bisexual is a new fashion commodity these days.
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    (Original post by 2ndClass)
    Being bisexual is a new fashion commodity these days.
    That really doesn't make things feel any better though, I honestly don't know where I stand therefore makes things harder -- Not a fashion statement in any shape or form seeing as I'm definitely not flaunting it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That really doesn't make things feel any better though, I honestly don't know where I stand therefore makes things harder -- Not a fashion statement in any shape or form seeing as I'm definitely not flaunting it.
    This is why bisexuals aren't relationship material. No one individual/sex can ever "complete" you
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    (Original post by 2ndClass)
    This is why bisexuals aren't relationship material. No one individual/sex can ever "complete" you
    ....
    Your comment makes literally no sense whatsoever.

    A bisexual person doesn't need to have both sexes, at the same time, in order to be complete....

    Do you not understand sexual orientation and human sexuality?

    (1) A bisexual person can have no preference for either or and be perfectly happy with either a man or a woman.
    (2) A bisexual person can have a preference for the opposite sex (i.e. be heteroromantic), and wants a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, but not of the same sex.
    (3) A bisexual person can have a preference for someone of the same sex (i.e. be homoromantic) and wants a relationship with someone of the same sex, but not of the opposite sex.

    There's nothing here about "being with one sex/individual will not complete the person" or some such nonsense. Just because a person is bisexual does not, in any way, mean that they would not be perfectly happy with having a relationship with one person. :confused:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey everyone,
    My real question is really... What do I do if I really don't know where I stand with my sexuality? I'm a girl, I've had boyfriends before but never slept with them - I also haven't ever kissed a girl... Therefore obviously you're reading this like 'how do you even think you're confused' - But I really don't know where I stand on the whole debate. I can't say that from an early age I've always liked girls or anything like that, I was a real tomboy when I was younger up until about 12 but even now I'm not a real real girly girl.

    I'm just hoping someone can help me sort of... find a pathway to help myself really... Off to Uni in September and this is all way over my head!

    Thanks x
    Just to start with I don't question why you are confused. You don't have to kiss or have any kind of sexual activity with someone to figure out if you have an interest in them. Most heterosexuals know they are heterosexual before they have kissed someone of the opposite sex. I'm not sure what...debate you are talking about...but if you are curious you can explore your options. Being a tomboy doesn't really necessitate you liking women, but like I said you can always explore it. There's no reason not to. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
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    (Original post by NYU2012)
    ....
    Your comment makes literally no sense whatsoever.

    A bisexual person doesn't need to have both sexes, at the same time, in order to be complete....
    Didn't read the rest, but they do. Both life experience and feedback from people who've sworn them off confirms this. Apparently it's not cheating because it's a girl......bisexuals are incapable of being attracted solely to one sex hence that one sex could never "satisfy" them. Unless of course their preference tilts to one side more than the other.

    Besides it's not worth dealing with the drama. This thread infact shows what many people who date bisexuals go through, it's a constant pendulum of who they fancy today and who they fancy tomorrow.
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    (Original post by 2ndClass)
    Didn't read the rest, but they do. Both life experience and feedback from people who've sworn them off confirms this.
    No they don't. You don't seem to understand what being bisexual means. :rolleyes: If you are bisexual then you don't have a preference for either male or females. Not that you need to have both.

    Besides it's not worth dealing with the drama. This thread infact shows what many people who date bisexuals go through, it's a constant pendulum of who they fancy today and who they fancy tomorrow.
    Again with the misinformation of what bisexuality is.
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    (Original post by 2ndClass)
    Didn't read the rest, but they do. Both life experience and feedback from people who've sworn them off confirms this.

    Besides it's not worth dealing with the drama. This thread infact shows what many people who date bisexuals go through, it's a constant pendulum of who they fancy today and who they fancy tomorrow.
    And research proves you wrong. When you've actually studied human sexuality and have read the research on the subject, come back.

    Until then, you're statements are unfounded and merely anecdotal evidence dealing with the experience of a limited number of people.

    No actual psychological research supports your claims.
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    OP whatever you do, tell your potential partner that you're bisexual so that he knows what he's dealing with. After the initial "yay threesomes" reaction, reality sinks in and it's much more preferable to have a straight girl. Don't listen to Liberace and Boy George over here, they don't know the world beyond their rainbow tinted glasses.

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