[Anonymous]

I've been suffering from depression for the last 4 years of my life. 18 months ago a close childhood friend of mine died and since then I've got a million times worse.

I'm the type of person that likes feeling numb. I don't like feeling emotions because when the emotion is bad, I get crushed by it.
I've built this persona of being numb, and not caring about anything but in fact I'm scared about everything. The persona is a defence to stop people asking me questions about myself I don't want to answer and also to stop me asking myself questions I don't want to answer.

I've been like this for years and this behaviour pushes people away. I get into a mental state sometimes where I just shut down and don't want to talk to anyone. There have been people that I have known for years that I have lost as friends because I've gone into a catatonic state, found a reason to dislike them and not spoken them at all. When I get out of the state (it may be weeks, months or even up to a few years) it's too late to repair the relationship.

I also find it very hard to speak about my feelings. It's just very uncomfortable for me to sit face to face with someone and tell them what a mental mess I am. If I do tell someone I immediately regret it afterwards because I hate the thought of someone thinking I'm weak and pitying me.

I went to the GP and was diagnosed with severe depression and prescribed antidepressants. I was on the medication for about a month before I stopped taking them. I personally don't like the thought of a drug being in control of my mood and it wasn't very effective anyway (though this may be because I wash;t on it for very long).
A few other things happened and that made me slip further into my depression so I went to my and she GP was so worried she referred me to the hospital for an assessment of my mental state. I didn't go to the appointment because of my fear of opening up and talking to people about my feelings. I've applied for university and got a place but my GP is worried that I'm not mentally stable and capable to handle it (since I'm not handling college that well right now). At school I'm practically a mute, I don't talk to anyone, may eye contact with anyone because I'm scared of being judged. My schoolwork has suffered massively and my grades are terrible which angers my parents (which causes even more problems) and means that I probably won't get into my choice of uni anyway.

I honestly don't even know why I'm posting this. I think it's because all I can hear in my head is:
"How come you don't have any friends?"
"Why am I always so depressed?"
"Why do I always feel alone?"
It's just ringing in my head. I guess the effort of trying to be numb has taken it's toll. I've just broken down and cry constantly.

[Anonymous]

You sound a lot like me. It took me 8 years to even ask for help because I was so terrified of opening up, thought they'd think I was a failure, wouldn't believe me etc. When I eventually did it was because I was basically told to go to a counsellor, I then went to a mental health advisor and finally went to my doctor. Shortly after I was kicked out of uni because of my depression. When I actually did go for (and accept) some help it actually terrified me. I had been depressed for so long it was me. I didn't have a clue who I was without it. I think most people didn't even realise I was depressed because I'd become so good at putting up my façade.

It's over 2 years on now since I finally accepted some help. I haven't had any counselling other than a brief stint with the mental health advisor and have been on meds pretty much constantly although have had to have alterations in them a few times. I know a lot of people don't like meds but I've pretty much accepted the fact I will be on them for the rest of my life. I just look at it as there is something in my head that doesn't work properly, a chemical imbalance. By taking the meds I help sort that out. Makes me feel better about taking them. I still have some major ups and downs but since I've started on the meds I've very very slowly started building up a friendship group again (its still tiny) but I now have 1 or 2 people I can moan at and it helps so much.

The thing you will find though is until you are ready nothing will work and nothing will help. Scary as it is the first bit is always the worst.

[iEmily]

Hey, i used to have severe depression as well, and i am on anti depressents. As soon as i come off of them i get really depressed and upset about why tablets have to control my mood and wonder why i can't be happy like everyone else is without the help of medication.
But they help, they do make me happier, and i'm sure they will make you happier as well. It's not your fault that you can't be happy without the tablets though, it's a chemical imbalance within your head that you may have been born with and you can't change. So you have to make the best of the situation and take the tablets, be happy, and live your life to the fullest that you can it's better than being constantly depressed he whole time, trust me

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the comments. I feel like I'm a shadow of myself. Everything seems to have come crashing down the past week. I think I've cried more in the past week than I have my entire life.

All I feel is sadness and self-pity, I think that I'm bringing it all upon myself which is why I hate asking for help. As soon as someone tells me that I can rely on them, my brain immediately shuts down and goes into autopilot trying to find ways of cutting them out of my life. And then when I'm alone and wonder why I have no-one in my life when I know its because of those actions. But I can't help them, they are like a reflex.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for the comments. I feel like I'm a shadow of myself. Everything seems to have come crashing down the past week. I think I've cried more in the past week than I have my entire life.

All I feel is sadness and self-pity, I think that I'm bringing it all upon myself which is why I hate asking for help. As soon as someone tells me that I can rely on them, my brain immediately shuts down and goes into autopilot trying to find ways of cutting them out of my life. And then when I'm alone and wonder why I have no-one in my life when I know its because of those actions. But I can't help them, they are like a reflex.

I know that feeling totally. Recently I have finally found a friend I can totally open up to, and its the scariest thing ever. I'm terrified of scaring them away but they haven't run yet even though I've had some total meltdowns in their company. It's scary as as I never normally let any past my outer 'happy' shell.

[Anonymous]

I understand how you feel. Most days I spend ages in bed because I'm crippled with the fear of getting out of bed and what the day holds. When I do get up I hyperventilate, get headaches, stomach aches and even throw up because I'm so anxious. I want to surround myself with friends but I don't trust people. At college people think I'm strange and I know that several people (even those that are very friendly to my face) talk rubbish about me behind my back but they have no idea what I'm going through. If I told them the things that I have gone through they would be ashamed and shut up but it's my private business and if people want to talk and be petty then I just let them.
I feel very lonely at times though but my anxiety and depression makes it hard for me to open up, I've also destroyed relationships like you've described.
I spend so much time alone and inside my own head that my perception of reality is slightly warped. I find it hard sometimes to judge what has actually happened or what I just think has happened. I'd recommend trying out the antidepressants for longer because it's worth trying at least.