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Which is the better option: divorced parents, or married parents who don't get on?

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    Sorry if there's already a similar thread to this but I'm wondering what other people's thoughts on this are.

    David Cameron has been encouraging marriage, but it's not for everyone and I personally don't think it's the answer to improving the likes of family life in Britain.


    My parents had an 'arranged' marriage. They were introduced and had met before the marriage and got to know each other, but it wasn't a love marriage. I'm female, 21, (British-Indian, if that's of any relevance) and have one brother who is 4 years older than me. When we were growing up, we witnessed a lot of arguing, shouting and fighting between my parents. In fact, I don't recall a single memory of them showing each other any genuine affection.

    From as early as I can remember right up until today, all I ever see or hear is them arguing. They can have pleasant conversation, but 75% of the time, it'll end up negative somehow. They barely even like each other, never mind love. They just don't get on.

    It makes me feel so sad. When I was younger, all I ever wanted was for my mom and dad to get on with each other and be happy, like my friends' parents. They'd hardly ever spend time with each other even just sitting in the same room, so I'd try and split my time evenly between them, so I didn't make one parent feel like I was favouring the other.

    I wasn't old enough to understand the complexities of things then; I was just a little girl who tried to make her parents happy because they were always unhappy. But now that I'm older and do understand the complexities, I wonder if it would've better for my brother and I if my parents had split up and weren't around each other- then we wouldn't have been subjected to all of that.

    I know this for myself, but Nihal was saying (on The Wright Stuff last week) that a lot of Asian couples remain in unhappy marriages because of the culture and community- it would 'look bad' or 'bring shame' on them if they were divorced, or even separated. And this is not good for the children, growing up seeing no love and such resentment between their parents.

    I am grateful for everything my parents have given me and done for me- maybe they wouldn't have been able to do as much if they weren't together- but early experiences are so important as they shape who you are and affect who you become. Personally, I've not had a happy upbringing and I know it's not had a good effect on me.

    But then the other option was that they divorce/separate. I know that's a complicated procedure, but is it better to have parents who are divorced and not around each other, or parents who are married and around each other but barely get on?

    I'm interested to hear peoples' thoughts. opinions and personal experiences.

    Discuss.
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    I think its better for the parents to be separate and happy than together and miserable.
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    (Original post by RolyBholi)
    Sorry if there's already a similar thread to this but I'm wondering what other people's thoughts on this are.

    David Cameron has been encouraging marriage, but it's not for everyone and I personally don't think it's the answer to improving the likes of family life in Britain.
    I will present my opinion. Both parents living in the same household gives you the opportunity to get to know both of them well. I think that's important because a mother and father have different strengths and weaknesses of what they can provide. When you separate it's usually harder to spend quality time together with the parent you do not live with. I find having step-brothers/sister a major issue which you won't encounter if your parent live in the same household.
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    Better to have them divorce. Which is more important? Your image or your happiness.

    Most people would say the latter.

    Edit: I'm personally of the opinion that marriage ought to be about love. Marriages that are made where there is no love, or marriages that are arranged, are void in my opinion, and so divorce doesn't really make a difference.
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    Surely they'd be happier if they were separated? This means that the daily arguing would stop as they would (most likely) not live in the same house and would also allow them to find someone who they can really love and be happy with.

    Although this may be tough on you and your parents and family at first, all of the tension and arguing being removed from your house and life would probably be more beneficial for all of you emotionally and to some extent physically in the long run.
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    Divorced.
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    IMO, the best system is cohabiting, committed, unmarried parents.
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    Both can be hard on the kid.
    Though I think divorced would be better.
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    Divorced (if they divorce when I'm too young to remember).
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    Divorced. Unhappy people make me :sad:
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    Divorce is the preferable option but I can see why for cultural reasons your parents never considered it. Arranged marriages...urgh, what awful things.
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    (Original post by boba)
    I think its better for the parents to be separate and happy than together and miserable.
    This. Same applies to step parents who've married in as well.

    <3 x
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    My parents sound a lot like yours... My mother's always telling me how she doesn't like my dad and he really annoys her, it wasn't an arranged marriage so i assume they've loved each other at some point? I remember always being upset at school when i thought they were going to get divorced... But they never did and i reckon the people at my school must've just thought i was attention seeking by saying my parents were going to get divorced when they didn't.
    It's really quite sad, my whooe childhood seems to be consisted of memories of them constantly arguing and never loving each other. I asked my mum why they don't get divorced and she says she doesn't want to die alone... but i reckon she'll outlive my dad anyway so it all seems ridiculous.
    But to answer your question, i don't know. I often wish they would just do something about their lack of love rather than carrying on being unhappy, but i don't think anybody will be happy if they got divorced either...
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    whichever results in fewer arguments. I think children can deal with living in 2 homes or a very passive household, but constant arguing is NOT the type of environment they should grow up in, and it definitely affects them for life.
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    (Original post by XxelliexX)
    My parents sound a lot like yours... My mother's always telling me how she doesn't like my dad and he really annoys her, it wasn't an arranged marriage so i assume they've loved each other at some point? I remember always being upset at school when i thought they were going to get divorced... But they never did and i reckon the people at my school must've just thought i was attention seeking by saying my parents were going to get divorced when they didn't.
    It's really quite sad, my whooe childhood seems to be consisted of memories of them constantly arguing and never loving each other. I asked my mum why they don't get divorced and she says she doesn't want to die alone... but i reckon she'll outlive my dad anyway so it all seems ridiculous.
    But to answer your question, i don't know. I often wish they would just do something about their lack of love rather than carrying on being unhappy, but i don't think anybody will be happy if they got divorced either...
    :console:
    One thing in particular that makes it worse is the parents telling the kids how they feel about the other parent. My mom used to sort of confide in me about how much my dad upset her, but I was just a kid. It's not something you discuss with your young children. you discuss it with someone your own age. She shouldn't have been saying those things to me and your mom shouldn't either
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    (Original post by boba)
    I think its better for the parents to be separate and happy than together and miserable.
    Better for the parents, probably. Better for the kids, probably not in the long run.

    I've experienced both 'married parents who don't get on' and divorced parents - since the reason that they ended up divorced was precisely because they didn't get on.

    Whilst they were married my home life was horrible. There were affairs going on, there was tension at home constantly and they argued. When I say 'argued' I don't just mean bickering - I mean full blown screaming/shouting matches. They threw chairs/plates/vases etc at one another and at the walls.
    My dad, drank heavily too - which was one of the reasons they divorced.

    After the divorced my mum left and we had to stay with my dad - she didn't take us even though she was knew she was leaving us with a depressed alcoholic. Every night after he came home from work he would drink through at least 1 bottle of wine and 4 cans of lager - he was constantly drunk and crying - literally wailing. So we were consigned to our rooms because it was impossible to sit in the living room - he was just out of his mind and crying like an animal.
    I can't bring myself to type what he did when he was drunk. Basically, after the divorce he just went to pieces and didn't even care about how we saw him. It made our lives hell.

    My mother never visited, partly because she had a new relationship and she had no money to travel and partly because my dad was still in love with her and one time she showed up (one xmas) my Dad was even worse when she left - he drank even more.

    My life was depressing when my parents were together - I wanted them to divorce. But after the divorce my life seemed to be even worse and more complicated because of my dad's depression and worsening alcoholism. I have barely seen my mum since the divorce - I've spent a few summers at her house and I went to visit her last new year, but she never visits me. The divorce was 8 years ago and I have hardly seen my mum for 8 years, my dad still has drink and depression issues and I still can't move out because I'm finishing uni this year and I cannot find a job.

    I don't know what my life would be like if they had stayed together. It would have been awful either way unfortunately. I find it insulting that people could claim divorce is better than having parents who don't like one another. Neither option is good and there certainly is nothing good about divorce. Divorce has meant that my dad ended up hospitalized due to his problems with alcohol worsening after the divorce and it means that I have barely seen my mum since I was 14 - I'm 22 now. Life is too short to barely see your mum. It annoys me when people complain about their mum making their tea because they wanted something else, or ringing them too often, or doing their washing. I lost all of that. People take it for granted.
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    Divorced.

    May parents are separated, it's far better than when they would argue all the time. They're actually friendly to each other now they donlt have to see the other all the time.
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    (Original post by somethingbeautiful)
    Better for the parents, probably. Better for the kids, probably not in the long run.

    I've experienced both 'married parents who don't get on' and divorced parents - since the reason that they ended up divorced was precisely because they didn't get on.

    Whilst they were married my home life was horrible. There were affairs going on, there was tension at home constantly and they argued. When I say 'argued' I don't just mean bickering - I mean full blown screaming/shouting matches. They threw chairs/plates/vases etc at one another and at the walls.
    My dad, drank heavily too - which was one of the reasons they divorced.

    After the divorced my mum left and we had to stay with my dad - she didn't take us even though she was knew she was leaving us with a depressed alcoholic. Every night after he came home from work he would drink through at least 1 bottle of wine and 4 cans of lager - he was constantly drunk and crying - literally wailing. So we were consigned to our rooms because it was impossible to sit in the living room - he was just out of his mind and crying like an animal.
    I can't bring myself to type what he did when he was drunk. Basically, after the divorce he just went to pieces and didn't even care about how we saw him. It made our lives hell.

    My mother never visited, partly because she had a new relationship and she had no money to travel and partly because my dad was still in love with her and one time she showed up (one xmas) my Dad was even worse when she left - he drank even more.

    My life was depressing when my parents were together - I wanted them to divorce. But after the divorce my life seemed to be even worse and more complicated because of my dad's depression and worsening alcoholism. I have barely seen my mum since the divorce - I've spent a few summers at her house and I went to visit her last new year, but she never visits me. The divorce was 8 years ago and I have hardly seen my mum for 8 years, my dad still has drink and depression issues and I still can't move out because I'm finishing uni this year and I cannot find a job.

    I don't know what my life would be like if they had stayed together. It would have been awful either way unfortunately. I find it insulting that people could claim divorce is better than having parents who don't like one another. Neither option is good and there certainly is nothing good about divorce. Divorce has meant that my dad ended up hospitalized due to his problems with alcohol worsening after the divorce and it means that I have barely seen my mum since I was 14 - I'm 22 now. Life is too short to barely see your mum. It annoys me when people complain about their mum making their tea because they wanted something else, or ringing them too often, or doing their washing. I lost all of that. People take it for granted.
    ok maybe I should rephrase to, I think it would be better IF the parents were sperate and happy. I don't understand why you think its insulting to say its better to be divorced than miserable at home, I never said either option was good of course there both bad I just said that out of the two divorce seems like it would usually be the better of the two options. It sucks that your mother doesn't see you much and that your dad has issues but thats something specific to them not divorce in general.
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    (Original post by boba)
    ok maybe I should rephrase to, I think it would be better IF the parents were sperate and happy. I don't understand why you think its insulting to say its better to be divorced than miserable at home, I never said either option was good of course there both bad I just said that out of the two divorce seems like it would usually be the better of the two options. It sucks that your mother doesn't see you much and that your dad has issues but thats something specific to them not divorce in general.
    Hmm, that's my point though - there's no 'general' divorce to kids when they're living through it. It's personal/specific to everyone. Also, just because the parents split and are happy doesn't mean that the kids are. I think the kids are relieved - not happy. There's a difference. The kids would have preferred two happy parents together all along. So maybe the parents will find happiness with someone else, but the kids will always have lost a two parent family.

    I understand what you mean though, in a perfect world etc...
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    (Original post by RolyBholi)
    Sorry if there's already a similar thread to this but I'm wondering what other people's thoughts on this are.

    David Cameron has been encouraging marriage, but it's not for everyone and I personally don't think it's the answer to improving the likes of family life in Britain.


    My parents had an 'arranged' marriage. They were introduced and had met before the marriage and got to know each other, but it wasn't a love marriage. I'm female, 21, (British-Indian, if that's of any relevance) and have one brother who is 4 years older than me. When we were growing up, we witnessed a lot of arguing, shouting and fighting between my parents. In fact, I don't recall a single memory of them showing each other any genuine affection.

    From as early as I can remember right up until today, all I ever see or hear is them arguing. They can have pleasant conversation, but 75% of the time, it'll end up negative somehow. They barely even like each other, never mind love. They just don't get on.

    It makes me feel so sad. When I was younger, all I ever wanted was for my mom and dad to get on with each other and be happy, like my friends' parents. They'd hardly ever spend time with each other even just sitting in the same room, so I'd try and split my time evenly between them, so I didn't make one parent feel like I was favouring the other.

    I wasn't old enough to understand the complexities of things then; I was just a little girl who tried to make her parents happy because they were always unhappy. But now that I'm older and do understand the complexities, I wonder if it would've better for my brother and I if my parents had split up and weren't around each other- then we wouldn't have been subjected to all of that.

    I know this for myself, but Nihal was saying (on The Wright Stuff last week) that a lot of Asian couples remain in unhappy marriages because of the culture and community- it would 'look bad' or 'bring shame' on them if they were divorced, or even separated. And this is not good for the children, growing up seeing no love and such resentment between their parents.

    I am grateful for everything my parents have given me and done for me- maybe they wouldn't have been able to do as much if they weren't together- but early experiences are so important as they shape who you are and affect who you become. Personally, I've not had a happy upbringing and I know it's not had a good effect on me.

    But then the other option was that they divorce/separate. I know that's a complicated procedure, but is it better to have parents who are divorced and not around each other, or parents who are married and around each other but barely get on?

    I'm interested to hear peoples' thoughts. opinions and personal experiences.

    Discuss.
    Individual happiness stands above social image.

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