[daveywavey]

Hi guys, I've written an erotic story and would like to hear your thoughts on erotic fiction. It's a second draft so there are still improvements to make.

I was just wondering what you guys thought made a good erotic story?

I am wary of posting the first page here just in case it makes anyone a bit too excited! lol

Anyway here it is...

Precious wrapped the towel around her wet, fragile body and looked over at Guy whose legs were stretched out over the bed. His big bulge was pulsating through his Calvin Klein boxers, like a hamster trying to escape from its cage.

"Come over here, you sexy thing" Guy licked his lips and drooled at Precious, like a drunken man drooling over a kebab.

"You have one hot body" Guy gasped, as Precious neatly dropped the towel down to her feet.

Precious winked at him, then jumped on top of him like an excitable, adorable puppy. She started barking with joy as Guy started sucking her flabby skin. He started biting her nipple, nibbling at it obsessively. Precious felt his warm saliva pouring over her skin and a spasm of pleasure escaped her lips.

They kissed and she unwrapped his lollipop, which sprung out with joy like a jack in the box. She giggled and grabbed the lucky lottery balls that were fortunate enough to provide pleasure to her entire body.

That's the first page pretty much.

[Hopple]

(Original post by daveywavey)
Hi guys, I've written an erotic story and would just like to hear your thoughts on it. It's a second draft so there are still improvements to make.

Here it is...


Precious wrapped the towel around her wet, fragile body and looked over at Guy whose legs were stretched out over the bed. His big bulge was pulsating through his Calvin Klein boxers, like a hamster trying to escape from its cage.

"Come over here, you sexy thing" Guy licked his lips and drooled at Precious, like a drunken man drooling over a kebab.

"You have one hot body" Guy gasped, as Precious neatly dropped the towel down to her feet.

Precious winked at him, then jumped on top of him like an excitable, adorable puppy. She started barking with joy as Guy started sucking her flabby skin. He started biting her nipple, nibbling at it obsessively. Precious felt his warm saliva pouring over her skin and a spasm of pleasure escaped her lips.

They kissed and she unwrapped his lollipop, which sprung out with joy like a jack in the box. She giggled and grabbed the lucky lottery balls that were fortunate enough to provide pleasure to her entire body.

That's the first page pretty much.

Not bad, but you forgot the bit about Guy coming round to fix Precious' kitchen sink. It'd add a believability to the characters and would get the reader more emotionally involved with the story.

Great similes though, more would be great, perhaps comparing her wet body to that of a beached whale?

[Glow in the dark]

I found it more comedic than erotic personally

[Drapetomanic]

(Original post by Glow in the dark)
I found it more comedic than erotic personally

Surely that was intentional.

"She giggled and grabbed the lucky lottery balls that were fortunate enough to provide pleasure to her entire body."

Time for me to go the **** to sleep!

[Ham22]

Not sure if serious.

[KJane]

Nothing screams 'sexy' more than the description of a drunken man salivating for a kebab in the middle of an erotic story.

[Ham22]

Precious wrapped the towel around her wet, fragile body and looked over at Guy whose legs were stretched out over the bed. His big bulge was pulsating through his Calvin Klein boxers, like a hamster trying to escape from its cage.

"Come over here, you sexy thing" Guy licked his lips and drooled at Precious, like a drunken man drooling over a kebab.

"You have one hot body" Guy gasped, as Precious neatly dropped the towel down to her feet.

Precious winked at him, then jumped on top of him like an excitable, adorable puppy. She started barking with joy as Guy started sucking her flabby skin. He started biting her nipple, nibbling at it obsessively. Precious felt his warm saliva pouring over her skin and a spasm of pleasure escaped her lips.

They kissed and she unwrapped his lollipop, which sprung out with joy like a jack in the box. She giggled and grabbed the lucky lottery balls that were fortunate enough to provide pleasure to her entire body.

That's the first page pretty much.

I've emboldened all the bits I found jarring and un-erotic. The underlining was for parts I found especially jarring.

[xHuStLeR23]

Bitch please

[Aspiringlawstudent]

Well, I am completely flaccid but thanks for trying.

[Kenan and Kel]

(Original post by Aspiringlawstudent)
Well, I am completely flaccid but thanks for trying.

[Aspiringlawstudent]

(Original post by Kenan and Kel)

Indeed

[Vixen47]

My hamster has now been raped of her innocence.

The "kebab" line doesn't do it any favours. Neither does the "bulge" or innocent animalistic imagery. If you really wanna associate sex with animals, go for tigers.

And it definitely sounds more comedic than erotic.

[Coldest1]

"sucking her flabby skin" ?

[littleone271]

Haha.. why am I picturing a fat dog eating a kebab?

The problem is that you're using metaphors that just aren't sexy and although big women can be beautiful and highly attractive despite being a little bit 'flabby' when people picture a flabby woman they don't think of a sex goddess. When you're writing erotic fiction you can't really afford to be too realistic... for instance.. you wouldn't mention the ingrowing hair on the back of the guys shoulder or the fact that her boobs might sag slightly.. It's a fantasy.

[littleone271]

Also... Precious? Really? Are you sure you're not talking about this woman?


Or possibly the dog from silence of the lambs?


I honestly can't think of anybody with the name 'precious' who has ever been portrayed as attractive in the media so it's odd that you would give that name to the female character. You may as well call her gertrude and be done with it.

[Aspiringlawstudent]

(Original post by Vixen47)
My hamster has now been raped of her innocence.

The "kebab" line doesn't do it any favours. Neither does the "bulge" or innocent animalistic imagery. If you really wanna associate sex with animals, go for tigers.

And it definitely sounds more comedic than erotic.

I spat out my drink when I read that.

[Jaidenh]

(Original post by Glow in the dark)
I found it more comedic than erotic personally

Same, you've 'beat about the bush'

Too many (it's too early to think of the word I'm looking for) silly names for his penis.

Lollipop, Hamster out of cage, lucky lottery balls.... Bleurgh

[tface]

That was hilarious.

[bluemax]

[Joinedup]

Needs a bit more preliminary build up... Have them trade smutty innuendo over a pack of pork scratchings or playing footsie at the pub quiz before they get at it like a hamster at a kebab.