[Anonymous]

I've been through a few difficult situations.. most recently at uni a year and half ago at uni that I finally managed to ring rape crisis and talk about yesterday and on their advice am looking at going into one of their centres and getting some face to face support..
But that's not what I'm writing about here..

For several years now I've had this memory of something that happened to me when I was 7 and I'm really confused about what happened and I'm scared I just exaggerate it in my head and make it up... but I can't get it out of my head and it really bothers and upsets me (especially as I never told anyone and I wonder if he abused his sister who was a year younger than me and I feel really guilty about that too) but I tried talking to a councellor about it before but she asked me a question about it while I was telling her and I panicked and changed what actually happened (to something not as bad) and then I got the feeling she didn't actually believe me... and I didn't ever finish telling her the story and never told anyone else. I feel like that ought to be confirmation that it didn't actually happen so why can't I let go of it and move on?

Thing is.. now I don't know what happened and for some reason that really bothers me. I'd love to just push it away and not think about it but I've been trying to do that for years and it obviously isn't working.. sometimes I can't stop obsessing about it and thinking about it which makes me feel like I must be making it up and just be really sick or something because surely I wouldn't keep thinking about it like this if it really happened?
I guess.. I understand you have to talk through things with someone in order to move on from them (why I'm finally looking into getting help for what happened at uni last year) but what about if you're not sure if it really happened? What if I by talking about it you just end up with made up memories?
I just don't know how to cope with this. I forgot about it for years and years and then remembered when I was about 13 (I'm now 21) and coped terribly with the "memory" of it and amongst other things ended up with an eating disorder and now I'm struggling to cope again with this I just want to be able to move on from it all.

[Jo from AVA]

Hi

Thank you for your message. Firstly i want to say that it is brilliant that you managed to ring the rape crisis centre, that is a huge step and it sounds like going to one of their centres would be really beneficial to you.
You say that the other issue is not linked but it sounds to me as if it is. Although it may be a separate situation, years apart, with different people, if you are talking about sexual abuse this is still something that the rape crisis counsellors can help with.
Sometimes when traumatic things happen, we bury the memory as it can be too hard to deal with, especially for children. Then, when we do start to recover the memories it can be very confusing and be hard to tell what is real. I really want to encourage you to talk about this with the counsellor. Nothing you can say will shock them, and they will believe you. Also, please don't feel guilty about what may have happened to the younger sister. If something did happen it would have not been your fault in any way.

A rape crisis counsellor will be able to help you with all of this, give you tips on how to deal with the memories and help you move on from what has happened. It may not feel like it but what you are describing is normal for someone who has experienced abuse, you should be proud of yourself for talking about it.

I really hope that the support you receive helps, but you can always come back here to talk if you need to,
take care
jo