Is it bad for the woman to be making more effort than the man in dating?

Someone once told me that it's bad for the woman to make more effort in dating and forming a relationship, because apparently it should be the man doing the chasing, otherwise it looks like he's not completely interested and that I'd feel crap about myself by being in a relationship with him. But is this always the case? Is it sometimes OK, like when the guy is very shy and needs some extra encouragement in order to get things moving? Anyone have any advice or stories?

Reply 1

InnerTemple

Original post by Anonymous

But is this always the case?

No.

Ideally, both partners should make equal effort. There should be no games such as making one person chase just to double check whether he is interested - such games are a pain in the arse.

Of course it is ok for you to be proactive.

Reply 2

jazzykinks

Kind of thought we were supposed to have equal rights and therefore make equal effort? Some guys actually like to be pursued. Some girls like to pursue. Why not? If you want it, go get it.

Reply 3

no_one001

This is all bull! Women have the vote you know! We are all equal, just do what makes you happy, who cares what others think of you or what is the norm?

Reply 4

digitalfever

The person giving you this advice is going to lead you down the path of eternal single-hood.

There should be equal effort. Otherwise it's called 'mind games'.

Reply 5

Aconcernedparent

I'm just going to link to this, because it explains it all:

If you want a more thorough explanation: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

Take note. Seriously. Men and women are different.

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 6

InnerTemple

Original post by Aconcernedparent

It's not about 'equality', it's about the natural sexual nature as men are in sexual demand. Men are able to have a variety of sexual partners without being judged for it - women are able to have sex with higher quality partners. A man's game is approaching and initiating contact with women, a woman's 'game' is making herself as attractive as possible and approachable. That's not 'mindgames', that's the course of it in dating for natural reasons. Of course young men on tsr will want a woman to chase them to make things easier, but on the whole, women who initiate contact with men in dating do so because they don't get enough attention, so the problem is somewhere else.

So yes, you should wait for a man's initiative for the first dates and so on. But once dating has formed a relationship, it is natural for both of you to make equal initiatives.

What goes for 'effort', you should make the effort of being a good girlfriend, obviously. If you want him to send you the first text/call first, you need to be positive and loving when he does. No man will chase a woman who's a bitch when she replies.

If you want a more thorough explanation: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/09/dont-initiate-contact.html

So you are seriously saying that women should never make the first move?!

That's crazy talk.

Reply 7

Birdman1234567

I despise women who think they are some sort of precious commodity that should be sought after, they like to be put on a pedestal. Both parties should make an effort, if you like a guy do something about it, there are no rules.

Reply 8

Aconcernedparent

Original post by InnerTemple

So you are seriously saying that women should never make the first move?!

That's crazy talk.

I am aware that plenty of TSR people think this is somewhat related to 'equality' and that men and women are always completely similar with similar goals and intentions when it comes to dating, I'm just telling the OP what it's like in the real world. Men and women are different in this regard.
I'm a typically feminine girl, interested in masculine men. There are exceptions, but most women are feminine and most men are masculine. Men have taken the role as pursuers for natural reasons. And most girls - like the OP - secretly wishes the guy she's interested in initiated more contact with her. If you are questioning whether a guy is into you enough, he probably isn't. Most adult men go for what they want.
Some people think differently, and that's fine, I'm not really interested in the debate.

Reply 9

InnerTemple

Original post by Aconcernedparent

I am aware that you said that you are not interested in the debate - that's fine.

But just to check - you believe that if a woman really likes a guy, she should ignore the fact that we are no longer swinging from the trees and wait for him to chase her? That she should not be concerned as to to whether he may be a little shy, but rest assured that he will make the first move?

Do you suggest that us guys should pee on the bar and do some sort of dance in a bid to attract a mate?

I am not relating anything to equality, though I can understand that line of argument. I am just saying that it is common sense. I like to think that humans are slightly more advanced nowadays. Relationships are not all about finding the strongest mate in order to produce fit offspring - hence the differing tastes in partners we see.

The OP should go for it. It will become apparent as to whether this guy is really interested or not. There is no reason why the OP should sit around and risk always thing "what if" just because of her gender.