[Anonymous]

So I have hardly any friends. Why is this? Am I an evil and nasty person that nobody wants to be with? I don't think so? Am I stupid and unable to hold a coversation? Don't think so either. Or am I just plain uncool, boring and undesirable.

Now I'm not trying to blame all of my problems on everyone else but does any other guy here have difficulty making genuine friends? I'm not into clubbing, facebook or lad banter etc. I would rather study and have conversations about world issues and current affairs but no guys seem to want to do this? Even in a supposedly academic environment (Russell Group University) nobody seems interested or to care about these things. It's all facebook, banter, showing off, gossiping, bitching, one-man-upship etc.

I feel like the guy nobody wants to be with incase I destroy their reputation and image. How can I change this?

By genuine friends, what I mean is people who share the same interests and views and don't want to constantly draw attention to themselves or use people for their own gain. Friends who have manners and respect for other people.

I know I sound bitter but all I want is for some friends to spend time with. Why is it so difficult?

[Aaron_xyz]

How long have you been at your uni? Do you have friends from your course, accomidation, societies?

[x_Natalie_x]

You're wise beyond your years and ahead of most of your peers, I'm afraid. There's not much you can do about it but wait until they grow up, or find people who a) are like you b) you personally find agreeable, and that can be difficult. I know it's tough right now but you'll find people like you one day, especially as you get older.

That said, be careful not to judge too much. It's so easy to judge people who are into 'banter', clubbing, attention-seeking on Facebook as totally ignorant, immature, apathetic and stunted. But if you talk to them you might find they have strong views of their own and are capable of mature discussion. You just won't see it all that often because they're either worried their peers find out, or they just find usual lad/ladette activities more stimulating. Just because they are into that stuff doesn't necessarily make them some uncouth philistine.

[Desperate Prayer]

Thats life in general bro.

And its one up man ship

[chronic_fatigue]

(Original post by x_Natalie_x)
You're wise beyond your years and ahead of most of your peers, I'm afraid. There's not much you can do about it but wait until they grow up, or find people who a) are like you b) you personally find agreeable, and that can be difficult. I know it's tough right now but you'll find people like you one day, especially as you get older.

That said, be careful not to judge too much. It's so easy to judge people who are into 'banter', clubbing, attention-seeking on Facebook as totally ignorant, immature, apathetic and stunted. But if you talk to them you might find they have strong views of their own and are capable of mature discussion. You just won't see it all that often because they're either worried their peers find out, or they just find usual lad/ladette activities more stimulating. Just because they are into that stuff doesn't necessarily make them some uncouth philistine.

I try not to judge, I try talking to those people you described above, but most don't give me the time of day because I am not into that stuff. Even the ones who I do talk to don't have much going on between their ears which is a shame. I don't understand why some people care so much about looking 'cool' in front of their friends they are just lying to themselves, I know so many people like this they end up dumping me for their other 'friends' people who don't care about them most of the time. I'm not having a go at you I just wanted to get my feelings across .

Trust me it isn't any easier being a girl looking for genuine friends, but I found a few later on in the year. Have you joined societies? You should try talking to older students as some have done a lot before going to university and have a lot of interesting things to say. Try to do do some volunteering next year you might meet some nice people.

[The_Jammy_Witch]

(Original post by x_Natalie_x)
You're wise beyond your years and ahead of most of your peers, I'm afraid. There's not much you can do about it but wait until they grow up, or find people who a) are like you b) you personally find agreeable, and that can be difficult. I know it's tough right now but you'll find people like you one day, especially as you get older.

That said, be careful not to judge too much. It's so easy to judge people who are into 'banter', clubbing, attention-seeking on Facebook as totally ignorant, immature, apathetic and stunted. But if you talk to them you might find they have strong views of their own and are capable of mature discussion. You just won't see it all that often because they're either worried their peers find out, or they just find usual lad/ladette activities more stimulating. Just because they are into that stuff doesn't necessarily make them some uncouth philistine.

Was about to slice into the first paragraph before I read your second...

Yeah OP, it's important to not be bitter towards people just because, secretly, you wish you could be more like them - outward about things, fun, foot loose and fancy free, confident, a little bit wild and overall ALIVE.

The problem with bitterness is that everyone can pick up on it on a very subliminal level. That is where I think your problem lies.

People don't do drinking/clubbing/FB/all the things you're frustrated about solely because they're told to (I used to feel like that was the case, and guess what? That attitude got me nowhere with people). Sure, there's an element of that going on, but how about this: they do it because it's FUN. It's fun to go out and have a bit to drink and dance and laugh and play! What's life without fun, yeah?

And of course not everybody derives fun from the same things, and I'm not trying to define it for you... but just as you wouldn't like it if I DID tell you that basically, if you don't like clubbing then you're boring... they don't like it that you think they must be hedonistic knobs just because they live their life unapologetically.

Don't reckon they know you think that? Think again. As I say, we're very good at sizing someone up instinctively, and I ask you this: if you DID have your own crowd and your own thing going on; if you did have your own way of having fun and girls and fun etc - would you feel so bitter about them and what they're doing? No, of course you wouldn't. Ipso facto, this isn't about them. It's about you and your issues.

Yes it is possible for anyone to have genuine friends, but let's face it, if you're not fun to be around - if you're all twisted with resentment about the Way Things Are - ain't nobody gonna wanna be your friend. So, open up. Stop hatin' on those who like to live in the moment, and maybe even consider joining them! Come on, what's the harm? You're young, you're free, you're at uni - live it up a little! Instead of focusing on how WRONG it all is and how ANIMALISTIC other lads are, why don't you focus on doing the things that make you happy and f*** what anyone else thinks? Stop being in such internal conflict with yourself, between what you think you should want - what is 'proper' - and what you ACTUALLY want, which I reckon, is to be a bit of a young buck yourself and BE one of the 'cool' guys that you're so envious of.

Everyday the universe gives you a clean slate upon which to redesign yourself. Just because you've always held certain priorities and self-limiting 'values' doesn't mean that it always has to be the case. Look, if your life ain't turning out how you'd like it to be in some respects then you must own it and take responsibility for that fact. It's your poo. Not their poo. Your poo, and your call, and your choice.

Watch Yes Man.

[jam277]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Please keep anon or delete.

So I have hardly any friends. Why is this? Am I an evil and nasty person that nobody wants to be with? I don't think so? Am I stupid and unable to hold a coversation? Don't think so either. Or am I just plain uncool, boring and undesirable.

Now I'm not trying to blame all of my problems on everyone else but does any other guy here have difficulty making genuine friends? I'm not into clubbing, facebook or lad banter etc. I would rather study and have conversations about world issues and current affairs but no guys seem to want to do this? Even in a supposedly academic environment (Russell Group University) nobody seems interested or to care about these things. It's all facebook, banter, showing off, gossiping, bitching, one-man-upship etc.

I feel like the guy nobody wants to be with incase I destroy their reputation and image. How can I change this?

By genuine friends, what I mean is people who share the same interests and views and don't want to constantly draw attention to themselves or use people for their own gain. Friends who have manners and respect for other people.

I know I sound bitter but all I want is for some friends to spend time with. Why is it so difficult?

Try talking to some of these people, my friends are the typical 'lad banter clubbing guys', but half the time they'll talk about politics and world affairs. I'm interested in other debates and other things similar that you're probably saying you would want to talk to someone about. That doesn't mean I don't like my sports/drinking/clubbing. You don't have to like it and do the banter, but you should be more accepting of other people, if you do that, they won't find you "boring" and you'll be much more likable and at least have a conversation with them when you can. Give them a chance.

I complain about some of the people, who just seem bothered with reputation, act like they're better than everyone else and all high and mighty(I'm in a russell group uni too) so I understand how you feel. But if you give some of the people the time of day to have a talk you'll understand that not all of the people are like that.

Anyway if you want you can PM me.

(Original post by The_Jammy_Witch)
Was about to slice into the first paragraph before I read your second...

Yeah OP, it's important to not be bitter towards people just because, secretly, you wish you could be more like them - outward about things, fun, foot loose and fancy free, confident, a little bit wild and overall ALIVE.

The problem with bitterness is that everyone can pick up on it on a very subliminal level. That is where I think your problem lies.

People don't do drinking/clubbing/FB/all the things you're frustrated about solely because they're told to (I used to feel like that was the case, and guess what? That attitude got me nowhere with people). Sure, there's an element of that going on, but how about this: they do it because it's FUN. It's fun to go out and have a bit to drink and dance and laugh and play! What's life without fun, yeah?

And of course not everybody derives fun from the same things, and I'm not trying to define it for you... but just as you wouldn't like it if I DID tell you that basically, if you don't like clubbing then you're boring... they don't like it that you think they must be hedonistic knobs just because they live their life unapologetically.

Don't reckon they know you think that? Think again. As I say, we're very good at sizing someone up instinctively, and I ask you this: if you DID have your own crowd and your own thing going on; if you did have your own way of having fun and girls and fun etc - would you feel so bitter about them and what they're doing? No, of course you wouldn't. Ipso facto, this isn't about them. It's about you and your issues.

Yes it is possible for anyone to have genuine friends, but let's face it, if you're not fun to be around - if you're all twisted with resentment about the Way Things Are - ain't nobody gonna wanna be your friend. So, open up. Stop hatin' on those who like to live in the moment, and maybe even consider joining them! Come on, what's the harm? You're young, you're free, you're at uni - live it up a little! Instead of focusing on how WRONG it all is and how ANIMALISTIC other lads are, why don't you focus on doing the things that make you happy and f*** what anyone else thinks? Stop being in such internal conflict with yourself, between what you think you should want - what is 'proper' - and what you ACTUALLY want, which I reckon, is to be a bit of a young buck yourself and BE one of the 'cool' guys that you're so envious of.

Everyday the universe gives you a clean slate upon which to redesign yourself. Just because you've always held certain priorities and self-limiting 'values' doesn't mean that it always has to be the case. Look, if your life ain't turning out how you'd like it to be in some respects then you must own it and take responsibility for that fact. It's your poo. Not their poo. Your poo, and your call, and your choice.

Watch Yes Man.

I agree with what you've said. OP, you shouldn't limit yourself to be a certain person, live in the moment, because the moment is all we've got. When you finish uni you're most likely going to have a job and work your ass off for 40 years, why ruin the chances you've got when you're young and free. We have one shot at life, don't you wanna look back and think yeah I'm happy about it rather than think I could have done more?

[jkneen95]

People act differently depending on who they are with. I have friends I have mature personal discussions, and we treat each other as "agony uncles". I have sources of large Lladdish banter, and I have some which are for intellectually stimulating conversation. All I can say is mingle, socialise any way you like (perhaps join a club at your uni?) and you may meet like-minded people.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by x_Natalie_x)
You're wise beyond your years and ahead of most of your peers, I'm afraid. There's not much you can do about it but wait until they grow up, or find people who a) are like you b) you personally find agreeable, and that can be difficult. I know it's tough right now but you'll find people like you one day, especially as you get older.

That said, be careful not to judge too much. It's so easy to judge people who are into 'banter', clubbing, attention-seeking on Facebook as totally ignorant, immature, apathetic and stunted. But if you talk to them you might find they have strong views of their own and are capable of mature discussion. You just won't see it all that often because they're either worried their peers find out, or they just find usual lad/ladette activities more stimulating. Just because they are into that stuff doesn't necessarily make them some uncouth philistine.

Hi. Thanks for the reply.

Sometimes I think this but then I tell myself to stop being so arrogant. Then I tell myself to not just comply for the sake of it and the cycle continues.

I hear what you say but the problem lies in the fact that many of these people don't want to talk to me. I know I could make more of an effort and that is definately something I need to improve on though.

As you said, I'm sure I will meet somebody someday who is like me though. Thanks.

[Tudball]

I just learned to adapt. I have no interest in lad banter, clubbing, Facebook, etc. But with a dab of humour and self-confidence, people come to respect you for it. I don't have heaps of close friends, but I never struggle in social situations - that said, I rely almost exclusively on humour to surmount the tenuous links I have with my peers.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by chronic_fatigue)
I try not to judge, I try talking to those people you described above, but most don't give me the time of day because I am not into that stuff. Even the ones who I do talk to don't have much going on between their ears which is a shame. I don't understand why some people care so much about looking 'cool' in front of their friends they are just lying to themselves, I know so many people like this they end up dumping me for their other 'friends' people who don't care about them most of the time. I'm not having a go at you I just wanted to get my feelings across .

Trust me it isn't any easier being a girl looking for genuine friends, but I found a few later on in the year. Have you joined societies? You should try talking to older students as some have done a lot before going to university and have a lot of interesting things to say. Try to do do some volunteering next year you might meet some nice people.

Hi. Thanks for the reply.

This is exactly what I mean. People will just drop others whenever it is in their interest to do so. What happened to loyalty amongst friends?

With regards to girls having similar difficulties finding genuine friends I think this is probably true but I also believe that girls are generally more loyal and sensitive to others' feelings than men? I'm sure the same thing happens but guys are just so nasty and insensitive towards other men. I probably sound like a stupid wimp now but I really think guys need to look out for each other and respect one another sometimes.

I think volunteering is a good idea. Nobody seems to care about societies sadly.

Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Tudball)
I just learned to adapt. I have no interest in lad banter, clubbing, Facebook, etc. But with a dab of humour and self-confidence, people come to respect you for it. I don't have heaps of close friends, but I never struggle in social situations - that said, I rely almost exclusively on humour to surmount the tenuous links I have with my peers.

I'm quite a serious person though. Should I change?

[Tudball]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm quite a serious person though. Should I change?

I'm a rather serious person myself, but in social situations, I present a more approachable and laid-back attitude. Don't change yourself - that's silly - but if you find socialising challenging, there's no harm in having a set of helpful strategies.

I would stress that humour and confidence are a winning combination, though. At least in my experience - I've been experimenting with appealing social behaviours for some time.

Of course, once you become comfortable with certain people, you're much more able to be yourself.

[chronic_fatigue]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi. Thanks for the reply.

This is exactly what I mean. People will just drop others whenever it is in their interest to do so. What happened to loyalty amongst friends?

With regards to girls having similar difficulties finding genuine friends I think this is probably true but I also believe that girls are generally more loyal and sensitive to others' feelings than men? I'm sure the same thing happens but guys are just so nasty and insensitive towards other men. I probably sound like a stupid wimp now but I really think guys need to look out for each other and respect one another sometimes.

I think volunteering is a good idea. Nobody seems to care about societies sadly.

Thanks again.

Girls more sensitive to others' feeling? More loyal?LOL, what world are you living in luv? Nasty people come from all walks of life.
TBH most societies are a bit ****ty, some of them had groups established but I did make friends at one of the ones I joined. I think I might join different ones to find some more people and do volunteering next year. Don't change yourself for others there are people who are like minded you may have passed them in the library or on your way to lectures just give it time. There may be some people at your uni on here you can talk to.

[dgeorge]

(Original post by Anonymous)
So I have hardly any friends. Why is this? Am I an evil and nasty person that nobody wants to be with? I don't think so? Am I stupid and unable to hold a coversation? Don't think so either. Or am I just plain uncool, boring and undesirable.

Now I'm not trying to blame all of my problems on everyone else but does any other guy here have difficulty making genuine friends? I'm not into clubbing, facebook or lad banter etc. I would rather study and have conversations about world issues and current affairs but no guys seem to want to do this? Even in a supposedly academic environment (Russell Group University) nobody seems interested or to care about these things. It's all facebook, banter, showing off, gossiping, bitching, one-man-upship etc.

I feel like the guy nobody wants to be with incase I destroy their reputation and image. How can I change this?

By genuine friends, what I mean is people who share the same interests and views and don't want to constantly draw attention to themselves or use people for their own gain. Friends who have manners and respect for other people.

I know I sound bitter but all I want is for some friends to spend time with. Why is it so difficult?

To take a note from what Jammywitch said, you sound pretty boring... It's great to be up on current and world events, but at the same time ONLY being interested in those things will make you come across pretty boring. I like having a discussion about the Israel/Palestine land conflict, or the sustainability of logging in the Amazon as much as anyone else, but I ALSO like to go out and party sometimes! There ARE people who like both actually.
I think you should try to expand your horizons in looking for friends and people with similar interests, and maybe try something new/out of your element

[Sheep]

I think it is possible

obviously since everyone is like you described it is rare to find good friends when you are not that typical person

if its just different interests im sure you can find someone who shares your differences

but if you are some neckbeard weirdo walking around in a long black cloak with bad hygiene, and incapable of even socializing properly lol then perhaps you need to sort your life out first in order to make friends

[Sphipsta]

I think its all about balance, I enjoy politically motivated conversations/debates, but I also do engage in banter, although not to the stupid extremes some guys take it to.

As people have said societies are the best, i personally met my friends from my course and im very glad i met them, i am sure you will meet some nice guys at some point.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by The_Jammy_Witch)
Was about to slice into the first paragraph before I read your second...

Yeah OP, it's important to not be bitter towards people just because, secretly, you wish you could be more like them - outward about things, fun, foot loose and fancy free, confident, a little bit wild and overall ALIVE.

The problem with bitterness is that everyone can pick up on it on a very subliminal level. That is where I think your problem lies.

People don't do drinking/clubbing/FB/all the things you're frustrated about solely because they're told to (I used to feel like that was the case, and guess what? That attitude got me nowhere with people). Sure, there's an element of that going on, but how about this: they do it because it's FUN. It's fun to go out and have a bit to drink and dance and laugh and play! What's life without fun, yeah?

And of course not everybody derives fun from the same things, and I'm not trying to define it for you... but just as you wouldn't like it if I DID tell you that basically, if you don't like clubbing then you're boring... they don't like it that you think they must be hedonistic knobs just because they live their life unapologetically.

Don't reckon they know you think that? Think again. As I say, we're very good at sizing someone up instinctively, and I ask you this: if you DID have your own crowd and your own thing going on; if you did have your own way of having fun and girls and fun etc - would you feel so bitter about them and what they're doing? No, of course you wouldn't. Ipso facto, this isn't about them. It's about you and your issues.

Yes it is possible for anyone to have genuine friends, but let's face it, if you're not fun to be around - if you're all twisted with resentment about the Way Things Are - ain't nobody gonna wanna be your friend. So, open up. Stop hatin' on those who like to live in the moment, and maybe even consider joining them! Come on, what's the harm? You're young, you're free, you're at uni - live it up a little! Instead of focusing on how WRONG it all is and how ANIMALISTIC other lads are, why don't you focus on doing the things that make you happy and f*** what anyone else thinks? Stop being in such internal conflict with yourself, between what you think you should want - what is 'proper' - and what you ACTUALLY want, which I reckon, is to be a bit of a young buck yourself and BE one of the 'cool' guys that you're so envious of.

Everyday the universe gives you a clean slate upon which to redesign yourself. Just because you've always held certain priorities and self-limiting 'values' doesn't mean that it always has to be the case. Look, if your life ain't turning out how you'd like it to be in some respects then you must own it and take responsibility for that fact. It's your poo. Not their poo. Your poo, and your call, and your choice.
Watch Yes Man.

Thanks for the reply.

At first, I was ready to dismiss what you say and write a reply which argued how I disagreed with your views but having considered what you have said, I think you have made some vaild points.

Part of my problems may be jealousy but I'm not sure if it is or not. When I see people behaving in a 'hedonistic' or 'animalistic' manner (as you put it) I do feel uncomfortable. Is it because I wish I was doing the same and having as much fun? I'm not sure. Part of me doesn't think it is becuase it is not my natural instinct to behave in such a way (I'm very introverted and have quite severe social anxiety) but then I don't want to be too stuck in my ways and not open to alternatives. Very confused...

I don't want to live my life unapologetically, but feel pressured into doing so when I am around others and I really hate that feeling.

I feel sometimes like people feel uncomfortable around me in case they upset me etc. Everyone knows how quiet and introverted I am so I never really get invited to big parties etc and people don't try to banter with me but keep telling me to loosen up and relax. It's that pressure though that I struggle with. I would rather just study,work, eat and rest. I have no desires for anything else in life which I know is very sad and dull but I never feel like a 'drink' or going to a 'party' or anything like that. Is this my social anxiety or just me I don't know?

I'm not so much bitter about people having fun as I am about not having anyone to share my time with. It feels like I am living in a different world to everyone else my age and nobody else is on the same wavelength - the only people I have interesting conversations with are 50+. I know that's really stupid but it's true.

Your last paragraph is very inspirational though. I will save your post and take some time to further ponder what you have said.

Thanks again.

[The_Jammy_Witch]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for the reply.

At first, I was ready to dismiss what you say and write a reply which argued how I disagreed with your views but having considered what you have said, I think you have made some vaild points.

Part of my problems may be jealousy but I'm not sure if it is or not. When I see people behaving in a 'hedonistic' or 'animalistic' manner (as you put it) I do feel uncomfortable. Is it because I wish I was doing the same and having as much fun? I'm not sure. Part of me doesn't think it is becuase it is not my natural instinct to behave in such a way (I'm very introverted and have quite severe social anxiety) but then I don't want to be too stuck in my ways and not open to alternatives. Very confused...

I don't want to live my life unapologetically, but feel pressured into doing so when I am around others and I really hate that feeling.

I feel sometimes like people feel uncomfortable around me in case they upset me etc. Everyone knows how quiet and introverted I am so I never really get invited to big parties etc and people don't try to banter with me but keep telling me to loosen up and relax. It's that pressure though that I struggle with. I would rather just study,work, eat and rest. I have no desires for anything else in life which I know is very sad and dull but I never feel like a 'drink' or going to a 'party' or anything like that. Is this my social anxiety or just me I don't know?

I'm not so much bitter about people having fun as I am about not having anyone to share my time with. It feels like I am living in a different world to everyone else my age and nobody else is on the same wavelength - the only people I have interesting conversations with are 50+. I know that's really stupid but it's true.

Your last paragraph is very inspirational though. I will save your post and take some time to further ponder what you have said.

Thanks again.

I relate to what you're saying, and have grown steadily more extrovert over the years... although remain fundamentally introverted (which I like about myself). I find that, nowadays, having been very honest with myself as to what was making me feel that nagging frustration towards people, I can adapt to whatever situation I'm in and call on my more extrovert qualities when I need/want to.

I also understand why what I wrote would provoke an instant sense of defensiveness. It's not comfortable when someone basically slices into issues that you're not even sure you yourself have acknowledged yet!

But if you do take the time to ponder and do that honest introspection (without judging yourself for what you discover), then you'll be doing more than most. People like to complain, but can rarely get past that initial sense of 'no no no it's not true it can't be true that's totally wrong!' Which is why things never change for them, under the universal law of 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.'

Also, on a far less philosophical note... remember to laugh. Everyday.

[hfreaks]

I had noticed, people Enjoying to be with Malicious and evil thoughts and liers .

just be who u are and never change for no one else..

P.s doesn't mean u hadnt friends = you are a bad

but u will find someone share with same common.

peace