[Calpurnia]

(Original post by TheInformer)
Lol, that's pretty embarrassing.


Girls...y u do dis? Why do you ruin a perfectly good thing by saying "I love you" after 2 weeks of dating etc? What benefit will it bring by forcing him to say he loves you back when he doesn't? It just creates unnecessary drama.

We're not robots who 'fall in love' at the same time, some people have been in multiple relationships and so try not to get too attached early days as most relationships don't work out.

Also some people find it hard to express emotions in words. I don't like saying "I love you" all the time, she will know I do by actions, anyone can say three words, they don't mean anything.

I would disagree with this, I think people can tell VERY early on in a relationship how they feel/are gonna feel about their partner. To say I love you after two weeks, and mean it, really isn't that insane.

If you're in a relationship and someone tells you that they love you, you need to stop, think about a potential future with them. Can you imagine being with them in 5 years time? How about marriage? How about raising kids? These things might seem ridiculous but if you're serious about the relationship, they shouldn't seem impossible to you. If you don't see any of these things happening, you should probably get out of the relationship because something is not right. If this isn't the person you want to be with for a long time, why bother being with them right now?

ESPECIALLY if they've decided they love you.

[SweetsAndSugar]

(Original post by TheInformer)
Lol, that's pretty embarrassing.


Girls...y u do dis? Why do you ruin a perfectly good thing by saying "I love you" after 2 weeks of dating etc? What benefit will it bring by forcing him to say he loves you back when he doesn't? It just creates unnecessary drama.

We're not robots who 'fall in love' at the same time, some people have been in multiple relationships and so try not to get too attached early days as most relationships don't work out.

Also some people find it hard to express emotions in words. I don't like saying "I love you" all the time, she will know I do by actions, anyone can say three words, they don't mean anything.

As someone else has already pointed out, they've been together for 8 months. Also, yes actions speak louder than words, but it's still important to to say the 'L' word to your OH if you love them.

I'm not the most emotionally expressive person either, but everyone likes to hear that they're loved.

[Calpurnia]

(Original post by TheInformer)
I know OP said 8 months.

My point was that OP is upset about him not saying he loves her back, 8 months isn't a long time; not everyone gets attached like a puppy dog as soon as someone shows them affection.




Yes it is.

I don't think you've ever been in a serious relationship, have you?

[TheInformer]

(Original post by Calpurnia)
I don't think you've ever been in a serious relationship, have you?

Was just about to rewrite that reply lol oh well.

I'm in one now. Have you?

Don't you think it's abit weird for someone to "fall in love" after a few weeks or months?

[Calpurnia]

(Original post by TheInformer)
Was just about to rewrite that reply lol oh well.

I'm in one now. Have you?

Don't you think it's abit weird for someone to "fall in love" after a few weeks or months?

Mmm, perhaps I just develop a stronger sense of how I feel about people faster. I used to be able to call who was gonna end my relationships, me or her, within a couple of days of them starting. Then I realised if I was always right, and I knew it was gonna be me ending it, I shouldn't even be in such a relationship.

Thus, I stopped getting involved with people I knew I could never love and found that when I met someone who fit my pretty tight criteria, I felt I already knew them well enough to love them pretty quickly because they were everything I'd be looking for.

So, when my current girlfriend appeared from nowhere after me being single for 6 months, staying away from certain types of girl, I knew instantly she was the girl I wanted in my life. And realised very quickly that I would have no problems growing to love her in a very short space of time, we had known each other for 2 months, and had been "together" for one when I told her. She'd also been waiting a long time for the right guy, felt I was him, and had no issue with reciprocating it.

So yeah, I think it can happen, and it can make sense. Although, of course, it's not for everyone.

[TheInformer]

(Original post by Calpurnia)
Mmm, perhaps I just develop a stronger sense of how I feel about people faster...

Whatever works for you man.

I just think it takes time to know enough about a person before you can truly say you love them; when you first get together with someone it all seems new and interesting, the true test is if you still feel the same way months/years down the line, if so then you've found yourself a keeper.

[Calpurnia]

(Original post by TheInformer)
Whatever works for you man.

I just think it takes time to know enough about a person before you can truly say you love them; when you first get together with someone it all seems new and interesting, the true test is if you still feel the same way months/years down the line, if so then you've found yourself a keeper.

I totally agree with your last idea, if it turns out she's still exactly who I think she is in a year, then I'm gonna be pretty chuffed.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Calpurnia)
Of course, but from what you've said about how he's reacted since then, it seems like he's thought it through a bit more and realised how he feels. But like, I said, give it a bit of time and see if it sticks, perhaps back off a bit and don't say it to him first for a while and see if still says it of his own accord. This way you'll know he doesn't feel pressured/forced into it.

Yeah, perhaps. It is nice that he's been saying it of his own accord, so we'll see.

And I have to agree with your other post; I knew quite quickly into dating my boyfriend that I could see myself falling in love with him. I don't know what he was thinking (now), but after the second date we had both said we felt something quite strong and he said 'well sometimes you just meet someone and it seems right...'

I understand if people fall at different rates, but you do generally view the world through your own perspective/that difference can be hard to get your (or my) head round.

[silverbolt]

congratulation youve just realised a very important lesson - lifes not a rom com.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by silverbolt)
congratulation youve just realised a very important lesson - lifes not a rom com.

So it seems.

[nish81]

Sorry for the slow reply.

(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for your advice. I don't think it was a fun break up...seemed to end quite badly and he said that the only time they expressed their feelings was when drunk =/ Although he's always said what happened with his ex is completely seperate from us and that he feels a lot stronger for me, so I don't quite get it.

I'm sure it is separate from you in the sense that he recognises consciously that you are not her and so he's able to form a new strong(er) bond with you. And no doubt he does feel stronger for you. But things that happen in someone's past still affect them and can leave a mark, especially if you haven't actually made peace with/come to accept them. Which is why he might have had that lingering anxiety over expressing his feelings given that it never went well in his old relationship

Yeah, I didn't mean to make him feel guilty. I was just in shock and got quite upset.

definitely understandable

I suppose I just think of love as an instinctual thing - if you love someone you just feel it and you know - at least I thought it was the case for most people.

I suppose you're lucky in that sense. Many people aren't as in touch with their feelings. In this case, they might have a hangup about expressing them verbally. That doesn't make them any less existant or strong, and in this case doesn't sound like it's any reflection on your relationship

Edit: you could also consider that your patience with him here, and being ready to listen and understand, could just bring you two closer together in itself

[Anonymous]

(Original post by nish81)
Sorry for the slow reply.



I'm sure it is separate from you in the sense that he recognises consciously that you are not her and so he's able to form a new strong(er) bond with you. And no doubt he does feel stronger for you. But things that happen in someone's past still affect them and can leave a mark, especially if you haven't actually made peace with/come to accept them. Which is why he might have had that lingering anxiety over expressing his feelings given that it never went well in his old relationship



definitely understandable



I suppose you're lucky in that sense. Many people aren't as in touch with their feelings. In this case, they might have a hangup about expressing them verbally. That doesn't make them any less existant or strong, and in this case doesn't sound like it's any reflection on your relationship

Edit: you could also consider that your patience with him here, and being ready to listen and understand, could just bring you two closer together in itself

I wish I could relax about this situation - but since that all happened a few days ago, he's told me he loves me three more times! The first was in person, the other two were a bit rushed just before coming off the phone...

I added during the last phonecall that he didn't always have to say it, just to say it when he feels he wants to. He replied 'but it's nice...'. I shouldn't feel like he's only saying it to make me happy, but in a way I do. I felt bad after he said it last time (instead of all the nice things I should feel) - maybe I just need time after what happened?

I really don't want this to mess things up.

[nish81]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I wish I could relax about this situation - but since that all happened a few days ago, he's told me he loves me three more times! The first was in person, the other two were a bit rushed just before coming off the phone...

I added during the last phonecall that he didn't always have to say it, just to say it when he feels he wants to. He replied 'but it's nice...'. I shouldn't feel like he's only saying it to make me happy, but in a way I do. I felt bad after he said it last time (instead of all the nice things I should feel) - maybe I just need time after what happened?

I really don't want this to mess things up.

It's fair that you feel like he's only saying it to make you feel happy, given what happened and the fact that (as far as I know) you haven't really properly discussed it with him, I'd feel the same.

Can I ask how old you both are?

My strong advice is to discuss with him why he was reluctant to say it the first time, and why his feelings changed. He should understand why you're wondering, but until you know that I can't see what'll help because to you it doesn't look like there's any reason for him to be more comfortable with it so he -must- just be saying it to make you feel better.

And if it ends up that he is just saying it for your sake, well it's up to you, but I'd let him know he doesn't need to and that you're there for him to open up to about why he feels uncomfortable

(also, I know you've stayed anon, but if you want to PM to talk more i'd be happy to)

[Anonymous]

(Original post by nish81)
It's fair that you feel like he's only saying it to make you feel happy, given what happened and the fact that (as far as I know) you haven't really properly discussed it with him, I'd feel the same.

Can I ask how old you both are?

My strong advice is to discuss with him why he was reluctant to say it the first time, and why his feelings changed. He should understand why you're wondering, but until you know that I can't see what'll help because to you it doesn't look like there's any reason for him to be more comfortable with it so he -must- just be saying it to make you feel better.

And if it ends up that he is just saying it for your sake, well it's up to you, but I'd let him know he doesn't need to and that you're there for him to open up to about why he feels uncomfortable

(also, I know you've stayed anon, but if you want to PM to talk more i'd be happy to)

I'm 20, he's a few years older.

In a way, I don't want to drag it back up again. It depends what you mean by properly discussing it? As I said after I got upset we got to talking about if he'd said it before (he had to ex/didn't mean it/bad break up), then he told me all the things he did love about me, shortly followed by an actual declaration.

Reasons for not saying it before: he said he was scared (?), confused and felt it 'came out of the blue.' But that after reflecting on his feelings, realised he did love me. He didn't actually say what love or being in love means to him...

I made it clear on the phone after he said it that he doesn't have to say it each time, and that he can say it when he wants to - he sounded a bit disappointed and said 'but it's nice.' I don't want to press him for a further explanation for the swift change, but I am a bit dumbfounded.

Thanks for your offer, may still take you up on it.