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Can't control my anger. Help!! :( (Also: who takes angry women seriously?)

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    I am normally a decent, quiet person, and have a reputation for being so, but on the rare occasions I do get angry I can't control it. I'm female, so thankfully I just look stupid rather than hurting anyone, but I don't want to hurt anyone by accident, and I don't want to look stupid

    Details;

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    The thing is, one angry episode you can do something you can never come back from, and it can ruin your entire life. I stress that it is rare, but that's what makes it unpredictable. It only has to happen once. Especially in a relationship - who wants to stay with someone who might be unstable, no matter how nice they are?

    Things I've done that I'm ashamed of;
    1. Putting my fist through my bedroom door (twice).
    2. Smashing cupboards.
    3. Attempting / occasionally managing to hit people. (Mainly when I was younger - this is one thing that there is absolutely no excuse for as an adult).
    4. Hitting my own arm against a wall until badly bruised, then lying (successfully) about where the injuries came from.
    5. Shouting things I regret - just losing control and shouting.

    Things that trigger it;
    1. Failing at something. I've always been really ambitious and failing induces a certain amount of self-hate.
    2. Being shouted at.
    3. A large combination of stress. Ironically, I have proven myself to react very well under pressure, there is just a certain limit where I suddenly switch.

    Possible root causes;
    1. Being spoiled. I don't think I particularly am, but what I've written sounds an awful lot like a tantrum, so I'm not going to rule it out.
    2. My Dad. He is the same, but he is male, so when we were children I was quite scared of him sometimes. I do stress though, he has never physically injured anyone in my family, (just a lot of cupboards), and it generally the best father anyone could have. He just has anger management issues.
    3. Not having a family that talk about things much. We get on well, but I'd never ask them about something personal.
    4. Not having any friends to turn to, so having to internalise.



    Feel free to share your experiences...

    ---

    Also, I thought to make it more interesting I'd throw out my theory on women (of which I am one)

    We generally have a stereotype of being vindictive and prone to taking comments personally. I think this is partly because women just aren't taken seriously when they get angry (as an adult, have you ever met an angry women you were afraid of?). They still have the same feelings, so the ones that can't just 'man up' and get over it channel those feelings into bitchiness, which is equivalently as effective. It's them that give us the reputation.

    Any thoughts?
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    Excellent theory, I'd be inclined to agree. In my experience, too, I found that my anger would get out of control in arguments because I wasn't taken seriously because I was just an angry shout-y woman, which made me angrier, which made them think I was a crazy woman, which made me angrier... etc.... My Dad once said to me that I was like a 'crazed banshee' which is the only time I've ever told anyone in my family to f*** off. I swear around them, but not at them, usually. I think women are also particularly encouraged not to express anger because it's unfeminine and unattractive and so when they do, they're painfully aware of the fact that they're coming off as mental, weird and unattractive, and I've felt like people I've been angry at have used that against me, acting as if it's just plain gross for me to be angry, no matter how justified I might be.
    I've hit people, I broke a guy's glasses, though he totally deserved it, and I've said some vile things, though none which I regret, because they were all mainly at broken-glasses-guy who, like I said, deserved far worse than I could throw at him. I think there's a lot about that kind of 'switching' anger which comes from being someone who is 'normally decent, quiet...'. I'm the same, and it means that I tend never to say when something annoys me, never to say when I'm getting upset or hurt or angry and storing it all up until a point when I switch and let months of pent up resentment out on someone who had no idea what they were doing was hurting/annoying me. Like you, my family weren't people that talked about things, and I think my family also tended to dismiss feelings in a way which really hasn't helped my anger. If ever my sister or I said we felt bad or annoyed or sad or anything, really, my Mum would tell us that we were just hungry or tired and so I learnt to dismiss my anger, to try to pretend I wasn't angry or sad or anything... then people are always surprised when I switch and they see the horrible mess of grossness that is how I really feel. :[
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Bimbleby)
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    Thanks for being so honest.

    I sympathise. It often escalates because you know you look and sound awful, and that adds to how much you want to lash out. I was actually brought up to think that letting out anger was healthy (my Dad uses it as an excuse), but I've looked up anger management techniques and apperently it's not Not saying everyone should be a saint of course, I'm just scared of it happening in an adult situation where the consequences could be unreversible.

    Thanks for the reply
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    I think I'd just hurl a bar of Chocolate in there mouth, that would shut them up.
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    hell hath no fury like a woman scorned :rolleyes:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for being so honest.

    I sympathise. It often escalates because you know you look and sound awful, and that adds to how much you want to lash out. I was actually brought up to think that letting out anger was healthy (my Dad uses it as an excuse), but I've looked up anger management techniques and apperently it's not Not saying everyone should be a saint of course, I'm just scared of it happening in an adult situation where the consequences could be unreversible.

    Thanks for the reply
    Thanks

    I guess it's probably not healthy to do either to excess... you're not supposed to express anger the way I do, that's definitely not healthy because it escalates and makes things worse, but you're not supposed to keep it all in. Apparently you're supposed to be 'assertive'. Say what you need whilst taking into account the other person or something. I used to have to have a class on it (:/) and the guy always said 'I'm happy, you're happy', though hilariously the guy was like the least assertive guy ever and just used to scamper around the corridors not talking to anyone and looking scared.

    I think if you're scared of that kind of outburst happening then maybe something like assertiveness or anger management might help you to feel like you can control your anger. (As much as I took the piss out of the class, it helped some people). For me, I've never regretted my outbursts because when I've been pushed to that limit with people it's always meant that they completely deserved my anger, and my looking stupid doesn't really bother me too much. If it bothers you, though, you should definitely talk to someone about it, maybe a GP, there's help out there for that kind of thing if you need it, though it is shockingly hard to get on the NHS and very unfairly distributed. Like, one GP might give it out to someone who once broke a plate and one GP might be hesitant to give it to someone who's been physically lashing out at their partner and destroying the house for years. Same for depression. Some people get meds for being a bit sad, some people with severe depression are ignored until they attempt suicide.

    I better not rant too much about how GPs are **** with psych problems or I'll make myself angry
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by saggy8)
    I think I'd just hurl a bar of Chocolate in there mouth, that would shut them up.
    Ironically, that might work on me.
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by cl_steele)
    hell hath no fury like a woman scorned :rolleyes:
    Hmm, and it's true. But I think the women who don't get angry like that (and plenty don't) deserve respect, because it takes a lot of mental maturity to get over the fact that nobody will ever take you seriously.

    Meanwhile, bring on the 'kitchen' jokes
    • Thread Starter
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    (Original post by Bimbleby)
    ---
    Thank you again - that's really helpful.

    I'll consider it (though I'd rather stay away from GPs as long as possible). I hope your problems improve soon
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    I'm relatively similar;
    I currently sit at a desk which is falling to bits and is getting worse by the day.
    My door is being held together by tape. (This was after replacing every door in the house a year or two back due to most of them having holes in due to me.)
    Not long ago I just got enraged and flew off the handles towards someone who was just pissing me off.
    And I constantly swear and smash body parts against walls, desks, doors etc out of anger

    However none of this is something I wish to do, in the past I have severely hurt others due to my anger and for the past 4-5 years no matter what has happened I have never gotten angry or mad outside of my room.
    Worryingly though, the past few weeks/months I have been becoming more and more aggressive to people around me D=

    My theory... is that I bottle everything up. You should get angry when you need to get angry or it will build up then you do the more extreme stuff.
    Also the theory of being able to talk to people about it I find is also quite something I agree upon.
    However i just don't like getting angry in front of others and I don't have people to talk to so... i'm not gonna listen to what I just said.
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    If you can put your fist through a bedroom door I think people will take you pretty seriously. Although, I am imagining you as about 6 foot tall and at least 250lb.
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    I agree, and sympathise. A lot of the time, I'll end up feeling like a complete idiot because I haven't been able to control my anger, and gone off on some massive rant...men do tend to just laugh and think it's hilarious, which makes me even angrier. I remember one time I was having a huge row with this stupid fool and he said ''women are hot when they're angry'' which of course made the situation 100 times worse. But in a way it's better that way....I've yelled at burly lorry drivers, car drivers etc when they p** me off and they don't really do anything, and it did occur to me that I'm lucky someone hasn't followed me home and kicked the crap outta me. Also, I've noticed when I've been out with male friends....men tend to pick fights with other men for ridiculous reasons. Looking at them the wrong way, etc. So I guess it's easier to be laughed at when you're kicking off than to have people start cos you look at them the wrong way.
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    women are soooooooooo sexy when there angry
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    watch movie falling down

    i saw it the other day

    its about a man who gets angry

    its epic
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you again - that's really helpful.

    I'll consider it (though I'd rather stay away from GPs as long as possible). I hope your problems improve soon
    Thanks, you too
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    I sometimes have the problem too. You just get so mad that you want to rip someone's face off... but you know that you cannot because the blood would stain your nails.
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    if i'm angry, the best thing to do is avoid me. let me hiss away and slowly calm down. i do have guys in the family, and they do inflame the situation, by either noticing i'm annoyed or angry and pestering me/ trying to annoy me further, or saying, (taken from a tv ad, whose director i would very much like to puch in the face) "calm down dear, its just a commercial" -no its not a bloody commercial -its real life- can you not tell the difference?
    i am also femininst, so i find being adressed to as dear or darling when i'm angry rather demeaning/ derogatory - so its not advisable.

    people act as if anger is bad or taboo, but anger is healthy in the right amounts. say for example, someone hurt someone you cared about - it wouldn't be normal not to be angry.
    anger is a powerful emotion; so it needs to be channelled properly. channel it into strong, determined, rational action, not into violence.

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Updated: May 21, 2012
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