[The Marshall]

Hi, I've been writing stories for quite a while now and poems. Therefore I will send some poems of mine and see how you like it. Please be advised they are written freehand.

Here is a poem based on Roots.

So to begin with
We work
We labour
We live

We get nothing
We eat nothing
We have nothing.

We are disadvantaged
Our white masters don't like us
We are hated
We were once
Great people
In the lands of gold
In the lands of Lions
In the lands of the wildebeest
In the Lands of Africa
In the lands of the Nile
We ruled
Supreme , overlord of all the animals
Then the whites came to Africa
And drove us from there
Banishing us from our sacred places of worship.
Destroying the pieces of paradise that once lay
That once provided sweet nectar running down the hills.
Bananas that provided plentiful, fruits blossoming
from the vibrant colours of the jungle
A sea of green and blue
was this paradise.
Animals, like us were herded like cattle and put on for people’s pleasures
They laughed at us.
They humiliated us
They did not treat us well!
With false promises they bounded us!
And the great lands of our country
Were soon populated by the whites
Many of them came
And we were driven
Away from our homelands
Forever
Yet I can only remember what we did
Yet, we go home
We worked
for the tribe
We gathered
food for the tribe
We protected
for the tribe
We went to war
for the tribe
We mated
to populate the tribe
Why then, are we not allowed to live among the whites?
Why then, do they come in their big boats?
Why then, do they steal our children so they can be used as slaves?

Are we not allowed?
Are we not allowed?
Are we not allowed to live as equals?

Must we be hounded by the Great God, Sheti
He, the mishcheivous warmongerer
Who spreads his evils across the lands
His people, the white people, why?
When they step, the world is destroyed forever.
When we have done nothing to them?
I heard
Once
That one day
Africa would
Be ruled
By strange people
Of white colour
I never believed it
And I will never
So
We work
we labour
we live
Freedom is not in our reach
And never will be.
Not until we return to our homeland!
These are my roots
And I will keep them forever in my heart.
For I am one of them.

[annelidatome]

Excellent

[spacepirate-James]

I'm going to be blunt; your poem is filled with a plethora of errors that are usually made by either people who have just started writing poems or by someone who does not read a lot of poetry.

Chopped-up lines, lack of punctuation, quasi-metaphysical vague questions, and stifling repetition does not make anything poetic by default.

If you really want to improve, then my advice would be to pick up a few modern books of poetry and see how strong, published poetry is written nowadays. Find poets you like and then try to emulate them. Join a writing group or a writing society.

Of course, if you are just posting your poem to stroke your own ego and to receive complements, then feel free to feel offended by my post, to ignore my points and carry on.

[blueray]

Go to the gcse discussion and look up an gcse anthology And annotate the poetic effects, use these to make your own

Here is the link

http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/show....php?t=2009377

[sammy-lou]

No doubt the people who have left/will leave some nasty comments or neg you for the hell of it are the people who have never spent a long time writing something only to have it ripped to shreds. It's genuinely one of the most awful feelings I can imagine.

OP, I think you've taken on a bit more than you can chew with this one. I wouldn't change your style at all, because it's quite unique, but at the moment it's just not very enjoyable to read. You need to work on your rhythm particularly, it'll make the world of difference. What I do like about your poem is that every line seems to serve a purpose, and that is very important.

I actually agree with spacepirate-James: it'll really help your work if you take the time to read some poetry yourself, and read it well, actually considering why each piece works.

Please do post again, I'd be interested to see what you come up with next!

[pr0view]

Sorry i don't dislike your poetic ability just the politics behind it.

[the bear]

I enjoyed your poem; you have fire in your belly and are not afraid to let your feelings show. As the others say you can develop your skills by reading other poets; not necessarily modern ones.
Good luck

[super.teve]

It's good, I didn't read it all though, because the structure is really inhibiting the poem. Have a work on the way you've constructed the poem, don't necessarily change the content, but work on how it's been put together, how it looks on the page if you like.

[The Marshall]

(Original post by spacepirate-James)
I'm going to be blunt; your poem is filled with a plethora of errors that are usually made by either people who have just started writing poems or by someone who does not read a lot of poetry.

Chopped-up lines, lack of punctuation, quasi-metaphysical vague questions, and stifling repetition does not make anything poetic by default.

If you really want to improve, then my advice would be to pick up a few modern books of poetry and see how strong, published poetry is written nowadays. Find poets you like and then try to emulate them. Join a writing group or a writing society.

Of course, if you are just posting your poem to stroke your own ego and to receive complements, then feel free to feel offended by my post, to ignore my points and carry on.

Hi, Thanks for the feedback, please be advised that I am of PDD. Therefore If I write poetry, it's not the best. Accepted. Believe me, I have received some far FAR WORSE feedback than from you. And please don't think its my ego, that insulting.

I'm not going to change the poetry as I don't understand it. For me, writing freehand is really far better than writing in these fixed stupid lines. No, Poetry must have a new sort of style.

I know my writing won't be good, people will like it, people may not, but if you have taken the time to read my poem and give your opinion, for me, That's great! At least I know there are people out there who are actually taking their time out and reading it.

You're right, My poetry does need improving, but this was written freehand for a reason: To show what has happened in Africa for the last few, 100, or 1000 years.

And I am on a writing website , which is great!

Here's the Link:

http://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/takeda

[The Marshall]

(Original post by the bear)
I enjoyed your poem; you have fire in your belly and are not afraid to let your feelings show. As the others say you can develop your skills by reading other poets; not necessarily modern ones.
Good luck

Hi thank you for the feedback. What other poets would you suggest?

[The Marshall]

(Original post by super.teve)
It's good, I didn't read it all though, because the structure is really inhibiting the poem. Have a work on the way you've constructed the poem, don't necessarily change the content, but work on how it's been put together, how it looks on the page if you like.

I was thinking of that, but could you show me an example?

[The Marshall]

(Original post by pr0view)
Sorry i don't dislike your poetic ability just the politics behind it.

That's perfectly fine by me.

[The Marshall]

(Original post by sammy-lou)
No doubt the people who have left/will leave some nasty comments or neg you for the hell of it are the people who have never spent a long time writing something only to have it ripped to shreds. It's genuinely one of the most awful feelings I can imagine.

OP, I think you've taken on a bit more than you can chew with this one. I wouldn't change your style at all, because it's quite unique, but at the moment it's just not very enjoyable to read. You need to work on your rhythm particularly, it'll make the world of difference. What I do like about your poem is that every line seems to serve a purpose, and that is very important.

I actually agree with spacepirate-James: it'll really help your work if you take the time to read some poetry yourself, and read it well, actually considering why each piece works.

Please do post again, I'd be interested to see what you come up with next!

Considering it, The rhythm has been there for a reason. To show the sufferings of people. It is not a poem meant to ryhme. Believe me, This is nothing compared to how much negative feedback I get. But if you want to me change, I don't know cause I don't know much about poetry. First, I'll post, and then see what happens , and then decide.

[The Marshall]

Plus, thank you for the feedback, I will be happliy awaiting your answers, In the meantime I will be posting a few more poems, but thank you for listening and taking the time to read the poem.

[the bear]

(Original post by The Marshall)
Hi thank you for the feedback. What other poets would you suggest?

Dylan Thomas, GM Hopkins, TS Eliot, Tennyson, Shakespeare, me

http://longspoon.blogspot.com

[The Marshall]

I see, thank you bear for the poets suggestion.

[sammy-lou]

(Original post by The Marshall)
Considering it, The rhythm has been there for a reason. To show the sufferings of people. It is not a poem meant to ryhme. Believe me, This is nothing compared to how much negative feedback I get. But if you want to me change, I don't know cause I don't know much about poetry. First, I'll post, and then see what happens , and then decide.

Sorry, just to make sure I was clear in my original post, I was referring to rhythm, i.e. the beat of the poem, not rhyme. It's totally fine if it doesn't rhyme!

Ok, all the best!

[willbee]

(Original post by The Marshall)
Hi, Thanks for the feedback, please be advised that I am of PDD. Therefore If I write poetry, it's not the best. Accepted. Believe me, I have received some far FAR WORSE feedback than from you. And please don't think its my ego, that insulting.

I'm not going to change the poetry as I don't understand it. For me, writing freehand is really far better than writing in these fixed stupid lines. No, Poetry must have a new sort of style.

I know my writing won't be good, people will like it, people may not, but if you have taken the time to read my poem and give your opinion, for me, That's great! At least I know there are people out there who are actually taking their time out and reading it.

You're right, My poetry does need improving, but this was written freehand for a reason: To show what has happened in Africa for the last few, 100, or 1000 years.

And I am on a writing website , which is great!

Here's the Link:

http://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/takeda

Freehand is still a form. You can still have substance to a freehand form. I don't think you're reading this as constructive criticism, which is what it is.

You're effectively saying "I appreciate your opinions" but I disagree with what you are saying and will ignore your suggestions (which I have asked for) entirely".

(Original post by The Marshall)
Considering it, The rhythm has been there for a reason. To show the sufferings of people. It is not a poem meant to ryhme. Believe me, This is nothing compared to how much negative feedback I get. But if you want to me change, I don't know cause I don't know much about poetry. First, I'll post, and then see what happens , and then decide.

We know it's not supposed to rhyme, you blithering idiot! The rhythm is doesn't exist because your lines are too short. This piece of feedback isn't negative, and yet your response is: This is nothing compared to how much negative feedback I get.

My guess is if you actually took on board what people are saying (which is the whole point of posting your poetry onto this forum) you would get considerably less negative criticism and considerably more useful feedback! Basically what you're saying is: Here, take my poem. Read my poem. Take the time to read my poem. I will send you more and "see how you like it". Then I will ignore any feedback you give me.

All poets can improve. If you read Sylvia Plath or Sarah Kane (although she's not technically a poet) you can see how their poetic styles grew into something amazing. Their early work was good, their latter stuff incredible. But if you'd rather ignore all the poets who have gone before you and all the people that had the decency to give you great feedback here then go ahead. You won't improve. FACT.

On this basis I'm not going to give you any constructive criticism as you will denounce it as nasty and lament about how much negative criticism you are accustomed to, missing the point completely that the people who have commented on here so far have been trying to help you improve your work.

[The Marshall]

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[The Marshall]

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