[The Marshall]

Deleted post.

[spacepirate-James]

(Original post by The Marshall)
=
Did you not understand you mad fool, that I know nothing about writing poerty?

"Hi, I've been writing stories for quite a while now and poems." implies that you would know a few things about poetry. Just saying.

You also need to take a step back and calm down. If you do not like what people say, disengage from the conversation. Being crass and angry has no place in critiques--regardless of any illness or mental challenges you possess. The biggest tip for any writer is to grow a thick skin.

Anyway, willbee's points were valid and though you may not have liked the way he portrayed them, they are still relevant (as were my points).

[najinaji]

(Original post by The Marshall)
When I used to get feedback,whether positive or negative, I got angry and sent them a bad reply. That was due to my autisim.

[The Marshall]

Sigh

I'm not in my good mood today, guys. Too tired.

Those three posts you saw full of insults was written by my small brother. I didn't write them. Saw him writing, I apolgoise for that.

I will respond accordingly to your post willbe.

[Some random guy]

(Original post by The Marshall)
Sigh

I'm not in my good mood today, guys. Too tired.

Those three posts you saw full of insults was written by my small brother. I didn't write them. Saw him writing, I apolgoise for that.

I will respond accordingly to your post willbe.

lol you be crazy.

[The Marshall]

Yeah, I am crazy.

[The Marshall]

(Original post by willbee)
Freehand is still a form. You can still have substance to a freehand form. I don't think you're reading this as constructive criticism, which is what it is.

You're effectively saying "I appreciate your opinions" but I disagree with what you are saying and will ignore your suggestions (which I have asked for) entirely".



We know it's not supposed to rhyme, you blithering idiot! The rhythm is doesn't exist because your lines are too short. This piece of feedback isn't negative, and yet your response is: This is nothing compared to how much negative feedback I get.

My guess is if you actually took on board what people are saying (which is the whole point of posting your poetry onto this forum) you would get considerably less negative criticism and considerably more useful feedback! Basically what you're saying is: Here, take my poem. Read my poem. Take the time to read my poem. I will send you more and "see how you like it". Then I will ignore any feedback you give me.

All poets can improve. If you read Sylvia Plath or Sarah Kane (although she's not technically a poet) you can see how their poetic styles grew into something amazing. Their early work was good, their latter stuff incredible. But if you'd rather ignore all the poets who have gone before you and all the people that had the decency to give you great feedback here then go ahead. You won't improve. FACT.

On this basis I'm not going to give you any constructive criticism as you will denounce it as nasty and lament about how much negative criticism you are accustomed to, missing the point completely that the people who have commented on here so far have been trying to help you improve your work.

Thanks Willbe. I think you're misunderstanding me. What I am doing is posting the work, getting the feedback, and then improving it. I accept your feedback just like any others. Please refrain from simply saying insults. I know you will be thinking that I am not accepting, but I am welcome to all comments. When you are done with it, I will have a look at the poem and see where it is wrong. That is what I am saying. This constructive critisim was fine, though I ask could you lessen down the aggresive tone a bit? Thank you, I have responded camly and responsbiliy. Please answer me in the same way. Thank you.

[McMurdo]

(Original post by spacepirate-James)
I'm going to be blunt; your poem is filled with a plethora of errors that are usually made by either people who have just started writing poems or by someone who does not read a lot of poetry.

Chopped-up lines, lack of punctuation, quasi-metaphysical vague questions, and stifling repetition does not make anything poetic by default.

If you really want to improve, then my advice would be to pick up a few modern books of poetry and see how strong, published poetry is written nowadays. Find poets you like and then try to emulate them. Join a writing group or a writing society.

Of course, if you are just posting your poem to stroke your own ego and to receive complements, then feel free to feel offended by my post, to ignore my points and carry on.

^ This. Maybe even try joining a poetry/creative writing group. I don't believe, however, that you have to read modern poetry in particular; I personally am most fond of the Romantic poets, like Coleridge. Though, the main point this guy made still stands: your writing is pretty discordant. You need to learn how to structure your writing better and retain clarity.

[The Marshall]

What does Frape mean?

And why are you such bullies around here?

[Some random guy]

No one is being a bully, you're oversensitive and immature. Get over yourself.

[semiotically]

It's only in hindsights that poets seem philosophical... & are later romanticised. If you are trying to write poetry be a realist, they always have been, remain realistic on life & try to maintain this view whilst writing concisely as possible...

[The Marshall]

(Original post by McMurdo)
^ This. Maybe even try joining a poetry/creative writing group. I don't believe, however, that you have to read modern poetry in particular; I personally am most fond of the Romantic poets, like Coleridge. Though, the main point this guy made still stands: your writing is pretty discordant. You need to learn how to structure your writing better and retain clarity.

If you or others had suggested that in the frist place, that would have been nice. Join a poetry/creative writing group? Where can I find it?

[The Marshall]

(Original post by Some random guy)
No one is being a bully, you're oversensitive and immature. Get over yourself.

Apart from posting TRSaped and trolls and a picture of me being a badass. And that was my small brother. Oversenstitive. I'm a Disabled person who's often bullied. So yes, I am both of those.

[The Marshall]

(Original post by goape)
You got off lightly. When I was TSRaped explicit images were posted and I got temp banned for a week each time (amazed I didn't get perma banned, actually).

Right, I don't want to continue this thread. None of you are welcoming me, And I don't like it. Surely you should accept a new member on this thread. Why can't you all accept me?

[The Marshall]

Is it because I can't accept critism? I repeat again, I've had the worst feedback in all times, and I am willing to gain any feedback by what you give me. I can accept your damn critism anyway.

[Genocidal]

You have to accept that the writing world is not always a nice place. The internet only increases the chances of you being mocked or bullied. If you are going to post your work then prepare for that sort of stuff.

I advise you not to keep arguing or questioning people. Just don't reply to them and move along. Furthermore, you don't have have to take their advice on board if you don't feel that it's warranted. You have to remember that the internet allows you anonymity, so even if your writing is flawless but the reader doesn't like that genre they might still decide to insult you. That's the world of the internet.

If you want to survive in the writing world then don't show your anger and don't feel like you have to reply to everybody.

[The Marshall]

Thank you Shiro, for your words of wisdom, I thank you again for helping me out here.

[buildalegohouse]

If I was to look at it technically, I would say that there were a few errors in there.
However, to say this is your first attempt, you have really managed to capture emotion well, and your imagery is nice. I loved the ending! It's such a difficult subject matter to tackle, but to be honest, i think you did well. I LIKE the fact that you didn't encorporate a rhyme scheme, and that your lines aren't too long; it adds to the authenticity and the idea that this is actually being told by a person who has lived through these experiences.

[The Marshall]

(Original post by buildalegohouse)
If I was to look at it technically, I would say that there were a few errors in there.
However, to say this is your first attempt, you have really managed to capture emotion well, and your imagery is nice. I loved the ending! It's such a difficult subject matter to tackle, but to be honest, i think you did well. I LIKE the fact that you didn't encorporate a rhyme scheme, and that your lines aren't too long; it adds to the authenticity and the idea that this is actually being told by a person who has lived through these experiences.

Thank you,and I am glad that you enjoyed the poem.

[talon1579]

It's just prose chopped up into lines, not poetry. As somebody said, there's no rhythm. Here's an example of what you're aiming at http://www.think-ink.net/visit/truck.htm.

In the lands of gold
In the lands of Lions
In the lands of the wildebeest
In the Lands of Africa
In the lands of the Nile

Also, your poem is almost racist - very stereotypical in a lot of places. I mean really?

Destroying the pieces of paradise that once lay
That once provided sweet nectar running down the hills.
Bananas that provided plentiful, fruits blossoming
from the vibrant colours of the jungle
A sea of green and blue
was this paradise.

That isn't even true - Africa is far more productive than it ever was precolonisation.

Why then, are we not allowed to live among the whites?
Why then, do they come in their big boats?
Why then, do they steal our children so they can be used as slaves?

This is horribly paternalistic - I'd be surprised if this didn't offend Africans.

I heard
Once
That one day
Africa would
Be ruled
By strange people
Of white colour
I never believed it
And I will never

Putting
A few
Words
Per
Line
Does not
A poem
Make.