[Anonymous]

Having come to the end of a 3 year degree in a very social-outcast-friendly degree (mathematics), I have learned a few things about myself that I would like to note, and that I wish I had knew before university.

I don't really care who reads this, nor do I really care about people who think that I'm complaining (most of whom will tell me to man up without even reading what I have to say). I am making this thread for those students who are spending circa £30k for an education that is now seen as mandatory. I'd also love a little advice, I suppose. I'd take all views into consideration.

Finally, I was going to post this publicly, but I feel as though it may result in unnecessary judgment. The label of 'anonymous' seems to evoke a little empathy from people who frequent H&R, so I hope to use that to my advantage.

At the beginning of first year, I must say that I was not shy. Far from it. I was introverted, but I didn't really know the meaning of the word. All I knew is that at A level my peers used to go out, have fun and meet each other and I would be perfectly content with going to class and retreating to my personal sanctuary (my room), and indulge in hobbies that others often misconstrued as weird or antisocial. This, I think, was the beginning of my constant battle with social pressure.

There is constant pressure to be outgoing and adventurous, and outgoing in British society. Current studies show that almost half of us are introverts, yet because we are so difficult to find, we are the quiet half of society. Extroverts rule the world. In the student world of facebook, twitter, clubs, SU and halls, introverts are often left feeling isolated and alone. Of course, this is the reason why so many of them come here on TSR to post and wonder if there's anything wrong with them. I often wondered the same thing. Am I mentally deficient? My friends told me that I needed to think less, and do more. I needed to stop overanalysing each situation and dive in. I even have a fair few posts on TSR where other people (often introverts themselves) have suggested that I go to SU and get hammered.

Earlier this year, in my final year, after 3 years of constantly beating myself up about not liking big groups, clubs, and constantly going out, I decided '**** it' and decided to take this so called 'advice' that is regurgitated time and time again, in the one place where introverts feel safe; the internet.

What was it like? Simply put, it didn't help. Slowly but surely I realised that the people I was dancing around - the ones hooking up with other people, slurred speech and hunched shoulders - were no more lost than I was. The only difference between them and me was that I was one of almost half of the entire world that is pushed into the fringes of society because they simply don't think like the other half. They were just as lost, just as confused. I have friends that go clubbing every week that cry their eyes out because of their traumatic childhood experiences and still consider their night as a resounding success. Similarly, I have introverted friends who sit at home playing online games to quell their thirst for human interaction. Both are nowhere closer to finding a personal equilibrium. Why, then, do we tell introverts to stop thinking and go out and get pissed? Why do we not tell extroverted people with long term emotional problems to step back and evaluate their lives? To think more and do less?

People assume that I do not like them because I do not keep in touch with them. I have recently realised that the most important part of my relationship building is not during the conversation, but between them. Extroverts get all of their socialising done with the moment the conversation ends. They find their fire from a lot of different people being around them, regardless of how well they got on with each person individually. To myself, and many other introverts, our friendships are based on a deep understanding of one another, and are therefore more difficult to cultivate and much harder to keep.

This leads me on to the concept of a girlfriend. Yes, I'm a virgin at 20. No, I don't really care anymore. I used to. Consider today as a 'revelation' of some sort. I've realised that my want for a girlfriend had little to do with sex, nor with lust, nor with social acceptance. It was simply finding someone that I connected with. Someone I could tell everything to. A person that I could talk to for hours on end and feel my brain feel heavy as my deepest emotional desires are fulfilled. Not a cheap one night stand at the union.

I must clarify that I do not make this post to out extroverts. I am simply trying to help everyone, regardless of their personality, to understand what it's like for the bloke who you think is weird. The guy who comes to lectures, talks to his tutors and forms close bonds with a small amount of people.

I will end with just one piece of advice for you fellow introverts. I spent 3 years trying to change myself. 3 years of putting myself in uncomfortable situations, waging war against my need to stay at home and my fondness for being in my room and uttering not a single word to anyone for days on end. I shoved all that away from myself, and I continue (even to this day) to try and mold my personality to the social norm. Do I regret this? No, because it has been a personal journey for me. Do I advise you to do this? Yes, but not to fit in. Never to fit in. We must pursue personal growth for ourselves, not for other people. It sounds extremely cheesy but I hope that at some point in the future, you will understand, whether you prefer going out with as many friends as you can, or staying at home with a book.

If you've read this much, thanks. It means a lot to me, even if you don't care or think I'm a loser. Anyone who listens to what I have to say deserves to be listened to in return, so I welcome any comments, suggestions and differing opinions below.

[the666thmessiah]

TL;DR - Accept who you are.


OP- congratulations on your revelation, and thanks for sharing it, I have always considering myself a very outgoing introvert/likeable loner, but sometimes got confused that maybe a I was a quiet extrovert. I have never been so clear as to what I am and what my life is since I realized what I was, an introvert who has simply learned how to communicate and puts on that mask to get what I want socially (sex, girlfriends, someone to just be there when I go to gigs, etc). Sociopathic, maybe, I dont care, we are what we are.

[Ocarinaoftime]

OP you sound like me, haha. I'm somewhat dreading moving out in a few months to go to university, I'm just not into the going out scene, I chose to go to university to obtain a degree and study and that is what I will be doing. The only company I need is my PS3 and some paint and paintbrushes and I'll be good to go. It's nice to see I'm not the only one like this. Honestly, I prefer my own company most of the time.

[Alpharius]

It's nice to hear that someone is willing to accept who they are. Refreshing.

I would call myself an intergratable introvert. Perfectly happy being alone, but can socialise with pretty much anyone if I want.

Sometimes the most clich advice is the best advice. Being yourself no matter what, and being completely comfortable with it is the best way to live your life. Unless you're a psychopath.

[Uranus]

OP, yes, thank you dude/dudette. Many people equate solitude, and the desire for it, to an imbalanced social life. That is simply not true, as I, personally, find it to be extremely difficult to be in places with a lot of people, and I easily get social anxiety--which is pretty pretty much described as something not very good in most psychology books that I've read.

Awesome post.

[high.art]

I truly enjoyed reading your post. It's refreshing...

I think it's important to accept and embrace yourself. I find many people are lost and instead of taking time to focus on themselves, they take part in other activities that act as a distraction.

It's beautiful when a person is able to do things independently with confidence, happiness opposed to feeling the need to be in the company of others.

Continue what you're doing mr. anonymous, live your life, you know your limits, joys...

[AnnaWintour]

@Anonymous:

You left me staring at my PC. It was like reading about myself !!!

[Rish7]

What a brilliant read. I'm in my second year of University now, and much like you my first year at University was a big change. From a quiet A Level kid, jumping into a scene of clubbing/drinking/partying which is ruled by extroverts was quite a leap. But I decided to shake things up and have a go. And to be honest, it was actually quite enjoyable at times, although I have found myself in a club at 1am thinking I'd rather be at home with a home-made dinner and a good film or book.

Anyway, now I'm in my second year and ridiculous as this sounds I've only just come to terms with the fact that I'm an introvert. Despite years of introvert behaviour I'd only just analysed my life and all of a sudden everything just began to make sense.

I need time to myself. Time to think. Time to be. I'm a perfectly sociable person, but I can only socialise for so long before I need time alone to 'recharge' myself. I read this interesting article last month which described how extroverts 'absorb energy' and 'thrive' in social situations, and so they are able to do it for a long time. Introverts are able to socialise, but to recharge they need to be able to exert this introvert behaviour and recharge that way.

I feel like a connect a lot better with people on a deeper, intellectual level. Of course I love to have a laugh and engage in 'banter' every now and again, but whenever I sit down with my true friends we always end up engaging in deep conversation. I enjoy it, and one thing I've found is that they really appreciate having me to talk to because of the conversations I bring about.

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert, infact I prefer it for a multitude of reasons. It suits me, and I'm comfortable with it. I'm far from a loner, and my life is great the way it is. Just happy to be who I am.

[rawragee]

thank you for posting this!
I'm an introvert too, and about to go into my last year of high school. I've constantly had the "you don't like me, you don't reply to my texts/facebook messages", but the truth is I just don't like talking to people for a long time. I don't neeed to spend every moment of my life socialising with everyone I know through all sorts of messages; I know that I can talk to them, when I see them.
I've also never understood why parties are so fun - I enjoy it for maybe the first hour or so, but then I just get bored and fed up with all the drunks and want to go home. I tend to just bail on parties and say I can't go, rather than go for an hour then regret it.
I've been worried about the social aspect of university as I'm not a party type of person, but as I'll be too young to officially go clubbing etc for the first year I'll hopefully find people who will like to spend time with me

[BananaWhale]

This is exactly what it's like for me.

[Anonymous]

Wow this was quite comforting to read, I'm an introvert and I'm actually scared of going to uni, I like having 'alone' time and and not having to talk to people unless necessary... and I totally agree with 'our friendships are based on a deep understanding of one another, and are therefore more difficult to cultivate and much harder to keep' It is so true!

I am worried about living out as I know what halls will be like, I stayed with my cousin and all of her mates were always in each others rooms, we were constantly around other people and I was actually like I am not going to enjoy uni.

But I've accepted that I'm an introvert I don't think I'll ever enjoy constant partying and clubbing with friends, I would prefer to sit at home have an icecream and watch a movie
I'm glad there's other introverts who understand this

Loved your post, I've always tried to fit the social norm and be outgoing, but that's just not me; I really do enjoy my own company.

[violetta12]

I completely understand you, and lemme tell you, the only reason its hard for introverts is that they dont show themselves as much as extroverts do, due to which people only see extroverts and expect everyone to have extroverted needs and temperaments. But trust me, now that you've realized that this is who you are, look at the world with no other eyes but your own, without being effected by what anyone else expects you to view the world as. Oh, and I'd also recommend that you read about MBTI..theyre an absolutely amazing way to learn about yourself.Ill be there in case you wanna learn more bout them..helps alot =)

[WhoFeelsLove?]

Excellent post, you are in a very similar position to me right now

I must read loads of TSR posts every day but very rarely respond, but this post is worthy and a great read.

good luck friend

[Subology]

I'm introverted; there is nothing better. At uni introversion doesn't really get a chance to shine, but it's time is yet to come. It's a late bloomer, is introversion. Being introverted you'll probably know already that first impressions are overrated. Nothing says introversion better than not making a splash and revealing everything about yourself within the first 10 seconds of meeting someone. Introversion has an intrigue, a nonchalance about revealing itself; in many cases it only reveals itself once probed. Consequently it has a mystique, a curious pull. A magnetism far more hefty and long lasting that any glittery extroverted first impressions. I say all this only to demonstrate that introversion isn't anti-social - on the contrary, introversion is capable of creating some of the deepest social relations for precisely the reasons I've just mentioned. Advice I'd give to fellow introverts who perhaps feel introversion is a barrier to succeeding socially at uni or otherwise, is to simply realise introversion is the tortoise in the race.

[Desperate Prayer]

Good post.

I have only one thing to add; from my experience, balance is the key. In social relationships and anything else you care to name. Too much of anything is bad - this is a fact of life. Finding the sweet spot it the task we must all face if we want to live to our full potential.

I used to be a lot like you. I still am. I love my own company, and I enjoyed the company of a few like minded souls too. Further, I like to spend time with a multitude of people I know less well but who have 'good hearts'.

When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I used to spend an enormous amount of time alone - always did. I ate healthily, exercised, was clean and socially graceful, but I never entertained the mass of friends that many of my peers did. I was happiest alone or with one or two others who I knew on a deeper level.

Moving past this, I found myself becoming more gregarious, more confident in social relationships. I was also more likely to ask -and get- what I want, and to stand up for what I believe in. In short, I had become a man

Now, despite all of this, during my third year of university I hosted my immediate family over christmas. It was fantastic, and we had a great time. Saying goodbye to them, I was left with over a week before my friends returned. Quite simply, I stocked up on food that I would need for those 9 days, and stayed in the house the entire time. If I went running, it was at night. Aside from the occasional phone call, I had zero social interaction - indeed, leaving the house on day 10 gave me a mild flash of what agrophobia might be!

During these 10 days I was incredibly happy. I got to indulge in all my hobbies - reading, writing, video gaming... porn :3 I really enjoyed my time doing that, yet afterwards, I enjoyed being with my friends just as much.

I think there is nothing wrong with being an introvert, or an extrovert, end of the day we are who we are. That said, I believe the ideal way to handle life is a compromise between the approach both archetypes would take. For example, an extrovert is loud, uncompromising and unrelenting - an introvert is quiet, compromising and retiring. Both will ultimately be found synthesised in the middle ground - ie, to be assertive but also accommodating to the needs of others. To be loud and celebrate, unafraid to exercise your physicality, but ultimately aware of others and able to tone your actions to respect to them - to be confident of success and pursue your goals, but to know when to give up and take another route..

The list, for me, is endless... ultimately, it is your choice. But the world is big, there are many interesting people with good hearts that may be potential friends, if you can take steps to uncover and meet them. Sometimes, the shell needs wearing away by a confident and charming approach.

TLDR Strive for balance in all things.

[Desperate Prayer]

(Original post by Subology)
I'm introverted; there is nothing better. At uni introversion doesn't really get a chance to shine, but it's time is yet to come. It's a late bloomer, is introversion. Being introverted you'll probably know already that first impressions are overrated. Nothing says introversion better than not making a splash and revealing everything about yourself within the first 10 seconds of meeting someone. Introversion has an intrigue, a nonchalance about revealing itself; in many cases it only reveals itself once probed. Consequently it has a mystique, a curious pull. A magnetism far more hefty and long lasting that any glittery extroverted first impressions. I say all this only to demonstrate that introversion isn't anti-social - on the contrary, introversion is capable of creating some of the deepest social relations for precisely the reasons I've just mentioned. Advice I'd give to fellow introverts who perhaps feel introversion is a barrier to succeeding socially at uni or otherwise, is to simply realise introversion is the tortoise in the race.

True, but if all are tortoises, nobody will win As in to say, put a group of introverts in a room and who will take the lead? generally humans need some form of social leadership otherwise lots of dithering takes place... which I suppose could be fun for some, but not most.

there is definitely a charm to the quiet understated type - but there also is to the friendly, open book. Why does it have to be an either/or choice? Perhaps aspects of both combined would make for a happier approach to life.

[HFerguson]

Fantastic post. I too am quite the introvert and am content in my solitude; other people cannot seem to understand this, and how I am happy to spend so much of my time alone, but **** what other people think and **** social norms.

[Subology]

(Original post by Desperate Prayer)
True, but if all are tortoises, nobody will win As in to say, put a group of introverts in a room and who will take the lead? generally humans need some form of social leadership otherwise lots of dithering takes place... which I suppose could be fun for some, but not most.

there is definitely a charm to the quiet understated type - but there also is to the friendly, open book. Why does it have to be an either/or choice? Perhaps aspects of both combined would make for a happier approach to life.

Agreed. And we should all seek to add a bit of each to our repertoire. My post was more intended to be a introverted pick-me-up rather than an extrovert put-me-down. You won't find may extroverts worrying that they aren't introverted enough - it very much seems to be an introverted phenomenon to self-doubt. Sorry if it came across I was belittling extroverts, or wanting to create a 'vertocracy'

[Desperate Prayer]

(Original post by Subology)
Agreed. And we should all seek to add a bit of each to our repertoire. My post was more intended to be a introverted pick-me-up rather than an extrovert put-me-down. You won't find may extroverts worrying that they aren't introverted enough - it very much seems to be an introverted phenomenon to self-doubt. Sorry if it came across I was belittling extroverts, or wanting to create a 'vertocracy'

Dont worry about it - they dont care anyway But introverts tend to care too much! I just think a well balanced adult should be able to deal with any situation - be flexible yet not yield to the slightest breeze. Personally, I think flexibility and ability to adapt is the entire reason we are here, in this state, today!

Your right to praise introverts however. Whilst I maintain that balance is the best way, the world seems to emphasis "more, bigger, louder" alpha stereotypes that can make introverts feel alone - when the reality is as the OP posts - that its a reasonably equal split (perhaps extremes on either end are rare, however) but of course, the louder you talk the more people hear you - hence the propagation of the message. consider it a symptom of western society : /

[cookhazel]

I really enjoyed reading your post, I often wondered am I the only one at uni like this? But you have reassured me! Thankyou.


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App