[Anonymous]

Me and my Boyfriend have been together for a year, and living together for 9 months. However... I feel like I'm the only one who works hard to make us work. I go to college part-time, work part-time and he does neither. I'm working towards a degree to get on the career ladder, and I work in order to pay for us. He doesn't work or study: he sits at home all day playing games.

I do love him: don't get me wrong! He is sweet and considerate, but I don't think he understands that a relationship is more than just loving the other person. He's had about six job interviews in the last 9 months and was rejected for them all, and has since then seemingly given up. I've applied him for some myself purely because I think it's unfair that I have to be the 'money maker' out of us both.

Average day of mine: Up at 7am, go to college, work at 12pm, come home at 9pm, cook us dinner and clean the house, browse TSR, FB etc and then bed at 11pm.

Average day of his: Up at 1pm, on the computer, eats at 9pm, back on the computer, sleeps at 4am.

He does sometimes do the odd chore, like load or unload the dishwasher or help me with the washing, but only when I nag him to. I got so angry that he spends so much time on the computer that I uninstalled all the games he plays which actually made them unplayable for a few days and during those few days he seemed REALLY annoyed with me.

What can I do, really? He doesn't have any local family that he speaks to (all living abroad) so it'd be tough if we broke up. I'm just wondering if anyone has been in the same situation, or has any advice.

[Zara<3]

you obviously cannot spend your life like this, must be driving you insane..give him an ultimatum, tell him to fix up or go..if he has any morals or principals he should understand anyway that he has to make just as much effort and this is not fair on you and you're not being harsh, even if he can't get a job he shouldn't give up like that, else he's going to get nowhere in life, not with you, not with himself

[Goody2Shoes-x]

He needs to understand this is not an equal or fair relationship... give him an ultimatum, time for him to shape up or ship out! If you continue to stay with him not only are you reinforcing that his behaviour is unacceptable, you will grow to resent him.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Zara<3)
you obviously cannot spend your life like this, must be driving you insane..give him an ultimatum, tell him to fix up or go..if he has any morals or principals he should understand anyway that he has to make just as much effort and this is not fair on you and you're not being harsh, even if he can't get a job he shouldn't give up like that, else he's going to get nowhere in life, not with you, not with himself

(Original post by Goody2Shoes-x)
He needs to understand this is not an equal or fair relationship... give him an ultimatum, time for him to shape up or ship out! If you continue to stay with him not only are you reinforcing that his behaviour is unacceptable, you will grow to resent him.

Believe me, I've tried! I've told him he needs to change and he always promises he will, then is helpful for a few days and then it wears off. I made him cry last time because I yelled at him and called him useless, told him he'd get nowhere in life sitting on his ass all day which obviously got to him. Yet, no progress.

[Calpurnia]

Seriously consider ditching him if he's not making any sort of progress/plans for his future. It sounds like he's got it pretty good with you right now, he's not likely to change it unless you essentially force him to.

[Goody2Shoes-x]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Believe me, I've tried! I've told him he needs to change and he always promises he will, then is helpful for a few days and then it wears off. I made him cry last time because I yelled at him and called him useless, told him he'd get nowhere in life sitting on his ass all day which obviously got to him. Yet, no progress.

Ah, but the trouble is, it's turned into an empty threat. He sees your threatening to leave and telling him he needs to change as mere nagging... maybe it's time to put some meaning into the words? Sit him down at a neutral time, calmly explain why his behaviour upsets you, and say you have seriously considered leaving him over this. Reassure him of your love, but firmly state that things cannot continue at this rate. Name a date that he agrees with that you will give him till to change his ways - in the meantime, if he wishes to persue any kind of relationship counselling for any issues he has with your relationship (because this form of idleness often, not always but often, has roots in a deeper problem), agree to go with him. If, however, by that date, he has not changed, or is not at least making a serious attempt to do so, then leave him.

I understand you love him and that besides this trait of his, you're likely very happy together, but if you allow this behaviour to continue, eventually the relationship will deteriate, you will end up resenting him, and the relationship will eventually break down, and it won't be pleasant.

[kat91s]

If you are the one working, and he's sitting at home all day, then he should at least do the cooking and housework! When I lived with my boyfriend over the summer last year, that's how we worked it. I couldn't find a part-time job, so having a few bits to do around the house every day helped keep me busy as well.

It's sounds like he's lost all drive to do anything about his way of life. At this point I would get serious with him. Tell him if he doesn't at least pull his weight in the house and start looking for a job, he's out.

It's not fair to expect you to continue like this. I think it's gotten to the stage where you are not equal in this relationship and you need to think about your own needs.

[codle]

I agree with everyone who's said it's not fair on you. I would also suggest an ultimatum but if it's not working then it is becoming an empty threat. Explain to him how you feel, maybe ask him why staying with you isn't enough motivation to sort himself out? Perhaps you could only use your income to pay for things you need so that he has to get a job, but I don't think that'll go down well!

But if nothing works (hard as this will be) you need to consider whether or not it's worth staying with him. Only you can decide that. I hope it gets all sorted out.


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

[Agenda Suicide]

Okay look, firstly, ignore everybody else.

I'm sick of people having to say all this rubbish about having to be equal in sharing etc.


If you love somebody, never let them go. That is one of life's biggest lessons. Love is hard to come by, if you love somebody you don't let them go ever, because you might just regret it and believe me, it will be a huge regret.

He sounds like his confidence may have been knocked, girls like you are hard to coem by who are willing to put in the effort and be nice, but do it!

Explain to him, say you can't function properly and he needs to make a move on things, if you realise you don't want somebody who sits at home then finish with him. But, if you love him even though it's slightly annoying stay with him, love is something you can't swap and shouldn't have a price tag or a status tag.


Help him out, tell him it needs to change and maybe be a bit harsh on him, I'm not saying spend your life with a loser but atleast give him an opportunity, that's where most people go wrong, they don't give that opportunity and it all falls apart.

Good luck.

[tamimi]

Well, I'd dump him if I were you. See how well he copes out there without a job or qualifications.

(Assuming you tried talking to him and whatnot)

[TenOfThem]

i am with agenda suicide on this one

he seems to need support to move on rather than nagging ... i find the idea that you uninstalled his games to be oddly controlling

you clearly have the drive ... he sounds like he has given up and may be depressed

can you take some time off so that the 2 of you can sit down and talk about where you both are and what you want out of life ... you could help him make a plan and then help him to work towards that

[Nidhogg_Rider]

I don't know how you deal with that, people like that literally gain my absolute contempt for just not doing anything with their lives.

Talk to him, give him a chance, but be deadly serious that he needs to get his act together, maybe set a time limit. When there's pressure on, people actually pull their socks up instead of acting like there's some vague distant deadline that's never actually coming.

If he can't do it, he got his chance, but i'm sure you don't want to be living like this for the forseeable future, love or no love.

[Anonymous]

Ignoring all the rubbish BillyBongos has written, thanks for the advice.

He hasn't had it easy in the last year. He cut off contact with his Mom after she got sent to prison and his Dad left when he was younger and has no contact with him. I can understand he may be kind of traumatised with the way things have gone, but I've always told him I'm here for him.

I don't want to break up with him, of course I don't. But when he sits indoors all day playing these games, he makes empty promises like 'I'll come with you to the shops on saturday' and then doesn't. Or, it'll be 'I promise I'll look for a job while you're at work', and then conviniently he's not managed to do so in the 9 hours I've been gone. He gets so angry, too. He'll sit there and swear loudly (I'm sure the neighbours can hear!) if he loses a game or someone does something that pisses him off. It scares me, although he assures me it's just the game that's bothering him, but he'll be really aggitated if I talk to him or touch him. It makes me really upset.