I want to know how to reverse what I have done to myself. I know that sounds strange, but I just hate the way I am.
When I was 11 I discovered I was gay, I didnt know it was called gay then but I knew I liked other boys at school and I was really scared and didnt know what to do, so I did what most people do when they first discover it and tried to hide it from the world. When trying to deal with this on my own little things started to bother me and I did become a little emotional about most things so doing what I knew I tried to talk to my parents or brothers (not about the gay thing), but after a little while they started to ignore my little complaints and emotions and my brothers told me to grow up and stuff like that. So I then decided I would just keep all of my anger, emotions and fears to myself. So I tried to hide all of that from the world as well. Obviously trying to hide all of this was very difficult but I did keep hiding it and never cried, never got angry and just basically become a zombie. Im now 22 and I come out of the closet a few months ago, everyone is ok with it except my dad is a little uncomfortable, but iv had no bad comments and I am happy about that. It took me a long time to come out, but I did finally get the courage to do it. I did accept the fact that I am gay when I was about 14 years old, but still decided to hide it because I didnt know how people would react and I was still scared about it, but I did accept it and I do now know its who I am and im ever happy that im gay, I know its part of me.
However the problem is as I tried to hide my emotions, fears, anger and the fact that im gay for soo long iv got use to it. I still dont show any emotions, fears or angry, I still keep them locked up, even if a close relative dies, I feel nothing now, the only time I feel pain is when I dont feel pain when I should. Keeping my emotions and stuff locked up inside is ruining my life and I was to express things again, but I just cant anymore. I went for soo long hiding everything that its become a part of me and I cant seem to go back.
Im a huge loner, I have no friends, I wouldnt even know where to start making them, I have a few online friends a couple of which I am very close to and I tell them everything and they tell me everything to. I consider them to be my best friends and they live miles away, one lives in India and the others live over 200 miles aways. Im just sick and tired of being alone, feeling nothing, I want a boyfriend its my biggest wish in the world, I just want someone in my life who will love me the way I am, but then again I dont want to be this emotionless zombie. Being gay I can live with, I wouldnt change that now even if I had the chance, but being so emotionless is making me feel bad because I dont feel bad if that makes any sense.
I guess the only question in this is how can I change, but I guess the other reason for writing this is just to get it out, it feels good just writing it so hopefully if I get comments and feedback it will feel even better.
Thanks for reading