[Anonymous]

I knew a girl online about 8 years ago. At the time she had been through a very deep depression along with becoming anorexic (she was 16). We would email and talk on the phone and although never met in person, we felt very close. We were young, and we'd say we loved each other, and at the time we really did, although none of us had much experience with the word. We stopped talking after about 9 months as she seemed to become disconnected from 'us' as there was a lot of stuff going on in her life and we left it at that. I didn't think I'd ever see her again.

Every two years or so we'd randomly talk online a bit, or send each other a text. I'd occasionaly get a text saying ''I'm thinking of you xxx'' etc. 7 years later I had a dream of her, so i found her on facebook and said ''I dreamt about you last night..". Not intending to get anything from it. She replied with ''you always manage to make me melt jem!'' and that kind of kicked us off again. We'd start chatting online, and the phone/webcam and we met up one night a few months later and we were both so happy to hold each other for the first time we literaly both cried. We met at a park at night and then went and lay down together cuddling and watching the stars till like 2am.
Before we left she asked ''will I see you again soon?''.
I could have easily kissed her that night, but she was way way too scared and shy. I'd learn my head in (innocently just to rest against her forehead) and just doing that she'd go red and tense and look downwards. I thought at the time she didn't like me that way, but then afterwards she'd tell me that she wished she had the confidence to kiss me but she was so shy of me (even though we had very good rapport...).

I asked her if she was single after this, and she told me she wasn't but she's afraid that telling me that would stop me from wanting her or stop me talking to her. I figured because of this she was hesistant to kiss (but she also is very shy). But we continued to meet up once a week in the same place and do the same thing. This is where it started to go strange....and I'll really appreciate your feedback.

After about 3-4 weeks doing the same thing (she seemed perfeclt yhappy to) I noticed something odd. That she didn't want to do anything else other than that. I offered to take her for a drink, to the cinema, even just for a drive but she'd seem to get anxious and make an excuse like ''I like here best because we can hug and be close and talk''. Which was sweet, but I thought there must be something up...and I kind of think that she was scared as she had a boyfriend.

I started to pull back from her at about 4 weeks thinking that if she is so attached to her boyfriend, I shouldn't bother. Then she told me that they split up and I believed her, so we continued our cuddling under the stars, never deviating from the norm.

Another odd thing I noticed was that if I said I'd be there at 9, and turned up a few minutes late, immediately I'd recieve a text expressing that she was in a lot of distress at the fact I'm not there...something along the lines of "Where are you!? You said you'd be here!!! Sad"

Then I'd turn up and she'd be fine.

After a short while I realised she was lying about her boyfriend, and that she was still with him. I tried talking to her about this and she got very defensive. She had hidden her relationship status on facebook from me, but my friends told me she was still in a relationship with him. I asked her, and she had a tantrum, got very very angry with me saying "why do you believe your friends over me? I cant believe this..". Long story short. Her boyfriend phones me to ask what was happening, I explain then decide to completely stop talking to both of them.

When I did this, she cut herself, and ran away from her student accomodation. She dropped out of uni for a week and got in quite a bit of trouble. I know for a fact that this is the truth. I ended up phoning her and comforting her. She told me ont he phone whilst crying that she loves me so much. I still pulled back after this though.

I can only say I was heart broken. I cried a lot, and then got over it. 4 months alter I recieved an email from her saying she misses me, that a psychic told her that theres a lot in store for me and her, and that once she went surfing, and afterwards sat on the beach watching the sunset, and was thinking of me and started crying wishing I'd turn up. I didn't reply to this email, I had no idea if it was real or she was lying again.

6 months later she pokes me on facebook. I poke her back, and we start emailing each other again. She sends me a song she said she'd listen to when I left and she'd cry uncontrollably and says she cant live without me etc. We both start talking like we were last year when I dreampt of her but this time she is more open about having a boyfriend. She hasn't said it directly but she keeps mentioning things like ''other things always seem to get between us'' (which I assumed she was talking about her boyfriend). She sent me a song ''Keep your head up'' by ben howard, and said the lyrics are very meaningful for her regarding us. The impression I got from it was that she settled for her boyfriend because she has known him longer and feels secure with, but likes me more. She also literaly told me ''I don't love him, he just has moved to teh same city as me and has got an apartment etc so I feel I have no choice, and I feel codependant on him, but i dont love him, I love you".

The whole situation is very confusing for me, and recently she has started to act distant. I know for a fact that if I stopped contacting her, she'd most likely stop contacting me (it has happened many times between us in the past). However, she would think that the reason I'm not talking to her is because Ive gone off her! Which is very confusing. She doesnt seem to understand or realise how her behaviour effects me, and never has.

Most nights I will chat with her online. She will come online and say something very candidly like (L) I love you... then I'll respond, then five minutes later she'll respond again with something like "I feel the same, we'll always be together, I cant live without you"...followed by another five minute gap! It's very confusing and I've never met someone with that kind of behaviour.

I also must add, that in person she is very strange too. She has a very robotic, monotone sounding voice. Never deviates in pitch, and she has an extremely hard time looking me in the eyes. She would try very hard when I was with her last year, but the longest would last was about 5 seconds before she'd get shy. She seemed to msot enjoy cuddling me as we lay down and closing her eyes and listening to my heart beating.

She also was extremely quiet. I'd do almost all the talking, and when i did talk she seemed to listen very acutely, however, no matter how hard I tried, she'd not talk about herself. I'd constantly ask questions, but she'd respond with one word answers. For instance, a question I asked was "What do you find difficult about studying medicine?".... her response "its just tiring" end of sentence.

Finally, a few details about her past. When she was 10 she saw her best friend get hit by a car, who then went into a coma and became permanently paralysed. Around the same time her dad left them.
When she was 15 she developed anorexia and was hospitalised and came out with depression which she's had ever since and still is medicated for. She has been on all of the anti depressants available including venlafaxine (a very strong anti depressant).

The assumptions about her as a character I've come up with are the following. She may have high functioning autism along with attachment disorder/problems due to her dad and friend. That would explain her inability or avoidance of creating emotional connection in fear of loss. The autism may explain her lack of understanding of how her behaviour effects me and her impulsiveness to act upon her emotions, as well as her voice and high academic intelligence. My dad is a clinical psychologist who's specialised in autism for the last 30 years and also said the same thing.

I really do like her though. I have pulled away in the past before thinking she didn't like me, or that she was just too hard to understand. Each time she got very upset, so obbviuosly does like me. I put her behaviour down to her probably being autistic, but I can't be sure.

So overall, the situation is very confusing for me and I dont know what to do!

My question is, what is my best move taking in all I've said? If she does have attachment fears, I figure that just being there for her, letting her know I'm thinking of her etc, even if she acts disinterested or whatever...is the best move? If her fears and the times she seems to pull back are based on her fear of becoming attached due to fear of me leaving, then it seems the best thing to do is to not leave, and let her know I'm there for her always. But I dont know really? I'd really appreciate your constructive feedback?

It could be simply put down to 'she has a boyfriend she likes more' but if you think about what I've said she has done, what she's said etc, it does seem she likes me, and seems realistic that when she said she doesn't love him and is just codependant, she was really telling the truth. Afterall, she has issues, and if she is emotionally attached to him, she is going to be terrified of him leaving, even if she doesnt love him.

If anyone wants to know who I am and wants to contac tme directly, just say and I will message you without remaining annonymous.

If you've taken the time to read all of this and comment, then I have to thankyou! It's taken a while to type! I will look forward to your replies.

Thankyou

[hothedgehog]

She's had plenty of time to leave the boyfriend for you but she hasn't. My suspicions are that she just likes the attention you give her. I would be feeling less than inclined to pursue her.

[sammy-lou]

(Original post by Anonymous)
...

WOAH, I don't mean to be rude but TL;DR.

Could you cut that down significantly and then you'll be much more likely to get a reply.

[InnerTemple]

(Original post by sammy-lou)
WOAH, I don't mean to be rude but TL;DR.

Could you cut that down significantly and then you'll be much more likely to get a reply.

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl talk to each other online. They eventually meet and spend a wonderful evening star gazing and talking. There is a clear connection.

However girl has boyfriend and refuses to leave him. Despite this, girl says she loves boy and keeps spending time with boy.

Suspicions of girl having some sort of personality disorder which complicates matters.

OP - she needs to deal with her boyfriend first. There is clearly something up with her relationship with him. Until she sorts it out then you either:

a) tell her to stop using you for attention
b) accept that you are just a friend to her and nothing else.

[sammy-lou]

(Original post by InnerTemple)
Boy meets girl. Boy and girl talk to each other online. They eventually meet and spend a wonderful evening star gazing and talking. There is a clear connection.

However girl has boyfriend and refuses to leave him. Despite this, girl says she loves boy and keeps spending time with boy.

Suspicions of girl having some sort of personality disorder which complicates matters.

OP - she needs to deal with her boyfriend first. There is clearly something up with her relationship with him. Until she sorts it out then you either:

a) tell her to stop using you for attention
b) accept that you are just a friend to her and nothing else.

Thank you for that!

OP, from a girls perspective, she could well be playing you both for all she can get. I'd say you need to ask her outright if she is interested and willing to end it with her boyfriend, and if she hesitates or can't give you an answer then tell her to come to you when she knows what she's doing.

In the meantime, you may well realise you're so much better without her, you never know.

If she does have a personality disorder then it's not something you need to be suffering as a result of as well. If you have genuine concerns about that and really care for her you could bring it up, but that depends on a whole range of other factors.

Good luck!

[hayjes02]

Hi,
I get that you have some level of feelings for her, but can you really see yourself spending the rest of your life persuing her and always being there to catch her? Maybe it's best to have a sit down and talk with her (if you have not already). I hope this helps on some level.

[Shelly_x]

You're being very disrespectful to her boyfriend. Also, she clearly has no intention of leaving him so I'd stop investing so much emotion in her and find someone who is actually avaliable.

[tweeto]

There's no way i'm reading all that!!

[chronic_fatigue]

You are wasting your time if she doesn't want to leave her boyfriend.

[Perdiccas]

It sounds like a very messy situation, and I think that it's only going to hurt you in the long run. She seems to be a very complex person, who has had some bad experiences in her life. She's got a boyfriend, but somehow wants you too ... I can just tell that it won't end well.

Regarding her: autism's a long shot and something that gets thrown around a lot these days - putting a label on it doesn't necessarily help. That said, some of the behaviour patterns are consistent, particularly the lack of deviation on your dates (very afraid of change or of the unknown like you being late or suggesting something else). She's developed a strong emotional attachment to you because you helped her out when she was young (these things can leave a big impression) and can't let go of it, or mistakes it for something else perhaps. Do not mistake neediness/emotional dependence for affection.

It sounds like she's going to mess you around just to keep everything in her life as she wants it (i.e. your love + boyfriend's house), because she's afraid of changing it. and it's no good to either you or the boyfriend. You have to consider him in this too.

It's all up to how you feel as to where you go. If you think that there's something and know that you would regret walking away cold, you NEED to settle on something and confront her about it. Clear your own mind of your concerns by voicing them and then let her react; put the ball in her court and let her decide which of the two she wants. Remind her that she can't have both. Definitely don't stay with her because you'd feel guilty leaving.

If you decide that she's not worth it, you have to cut all ties completely. Get rid of her off Facebook, numbers, emails everything - this whole business of reconvening every so often doesn't seem to have been a stable foundation for anything.

Sorry if all that sounded a little harsh, but I don't want to see you messed around. Think about it logically and maturely - talking is always a good first step. Find a way to conclude this back and forth game that you seem to have, otherwise you're going to carry on getting sucked into a morass.

[Doni]

:| ... Sorry, but y do u wanna go out with her again??! -_-"

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Perdiccas)
It sounds like a very messy situation, and I think that it's only going to hurt you in the long run. She seems to be a very complex person, who has had some bad experiences in her life. She's got a boyfriend, but somehow wants you too ... I can just tell that it won't end well.

Regarding her: autism's a long shot and something that gets thrown around a lot these days - putting a label on it doesn't necessarily help. That said, some of the behaviour patterns are consistent, particularly the lack of deviation on your dates (very afraid of change or of the unknown like you being late or suggesting something else). She's developed a strong emotional attachment to you because you helped her out when she was young (these things can leave a big impression) and can't let go of it, or mistakes it for something else perhaps. Do not mistake neediness/emotional dependence for affection.

It sounds like she's going to mess you around just to keep everything in her life as she wants it (i.e. your love + boyfriend's house), because she's afraid of changing it. and it's no good to either you or the boyfriend. You have to consider him in this too.

It's all up to how you feel as to where you go. If you think that there's something and know that you would regret walking away cold, you NEED to settle on something and confront her about it. Clear your own mind of your concerns by voicing them and then let her react; put the ball in her court and let her decide which of the two she wants. Remind her that she can't have both. Definitely don't stay with her because you'd feel guilty leaving.

If you decide that she's not worth it, you have to cut all ties completely. Get rid of her off Facebook, numbers, emails everything - this whole business of reconvening every so often doesn't seem to have been a stable foundation for anything.

Sorry if all that sounded a little harsh, but I don't want to see you messed around. Think about it logically and maturely - talking is always a good first step. Find a way to conclude this back and forth game that you seem to have, otherwise you're going to carry on getting sucked into a morass.

Thankyou for your help. What you said about the emotional connection because I helped her out when she was younger really struck a bell. She did the same for me too! At the time we were both depressed for different reasons, and we gave each other a lot of comfort and support and love (as much as it can be given online).

I also agree, autism gets thrown about a lot these days, just like all these other 'disorders'. My dad said the same thing (PHD). I just used the terms lightly to express that she might have difficulty (for instance when I mentioned attachemtn disorder) forming emotional attachments due to fear of loss created in her past or something.

I guess ultimately it is up to me what I do, and whatever happens is uncertain too. But hearing you say about the emotional connection really has struck a bell...

[Louise4]

(Original post by Perdiccas)
It sounds like a very messy situation, and I think that it's only going to hurt you in the long run. She seems to be a very complex person, who has had some bad experiences in her life. She's got a boyfriend, but somehow wants you too ... I can just tell that it won't end well.

Regarding her: autism's a long shot and something that gets thrown around a lot these days - putting a label on it doesn't necessarily help. That said, some of the behaviour patterns are consistent, particularly the lack of deviation on your dates (very afraid of change or of the unknown like you being late or suggesting something else). She's developed a strong emotional attachment to you because you helped her out when she was young (these things can leave a big impression) and can't let go of it, or mistakes it for something else perhaps. Do not mistake neediness/emotional dependence for affection.

It sounds like she's going to mess you around just to keep everything in her life as she wants it (i.e. your love + boyfriend's house), because she's afraid of changing it. and it's no good to either you or the boyfriend. You have to consider him in this too.

It's all up to how you feel as to where you go. If you think that there's something and know that you would regret walking away cold, you NEED to settle on something and confront her about it. Clear your own mind of your concerns by voicing them and then let her react; put the ball in her court and let her decide which of the two she wants. Remind her that she can't have both. Definitely don't stay with her because you'd feel guilty leaving.

If you decide that she's not worth it, you have to cut all ties completely. Get rid of her off Facebook, numbers, emails everything - this whole business of reconvening every so often doesn't seem to have been a stable foundation for anything.

Sorry if all that sounded a little harsh, but I don't want to see you messed around. Think about it logically and maturely - talking is always a good first step. Find a way to conclude this back and forth game that you seem to have, otherwise you're going to carry on getting sucked into a morass.

I agree with what you have said!

[Perdiccas]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Thankyou for your help. What you said about the emotional connection because I helped her out when she was younger really struck a bell. She did the same for me too! At the time we were both depressed for different reasons, and we gave each other a lot of comfort and support and love (as much as it can be given online).

I also agree, autism gets thrown about a lot these days, just like all these other 'disorders'. My dad said the same thing (PHD). I just used the terms lightly to express that she might have difficulty (for instance when I mentioned attachemtn disorder) forming emotional attachments due to fear of loss created in her past or something.

I guess ultimately it is up to me what I do, and whatever happens is uncertain too. But hearing you say about the emotional connection really has struck a bell...

Ah, I misread your post - it's your father who is the psychologist. I got confused there, so by all means take his opinion over my humble thoughts on the matter

But yes, speaking from experience, it can be very easy for emotional connections to develop when you're both feeling slightly lost and depressed - you end up talking a lot about feelings and becoming close. It's very easy to carry that over into 'falling' for a person or thinking that they love you because they have listened to you and tried to help and have cared.

It's the reason why people can develop feelings for teachers or even psychiatrists because they have misinterpreted that professional care (I know it is personal for teachers too) as something deeper. That is: "this person listens to me and cares about me and I'm feeling vulnerable + need support and love" very easily = "this is something more than professional - we have a deep connection and I am infatuated".

The other person can also develop an emotional connection out of mistaking that feeling of being needed and wanted as feelings too - something that is often referred to as 'Broken Wing Syndrome'. That is, a vulnerable/needy partner who makes you feel needed and is unlikely to desert you can seem attractive in many ways - it's certainly good for someone who lacks self-esteem and has their ego massaged by this feeling of control and of being wanted.

Of course, I am not saying that it can't work. Indeed, it can be a basis for a strong relationship - two people talking openly about how they feel and growing close is a fine way to develop a meaningful relationship with someone. It can form very strong ties with that person and foster understanding of who they are.

The key point is working out where the feelings start and the emotional dependence ends. Do you care about this person only because they care about you? Do you care about them only because they are troubled and want to feel needed, not because you genuinely love the person that they are?

There are no easy answers, I'm afraid. As much of a cliché as it might be, you have to follow your heart on this one Hope it helps.