[Jennyxo]

So I have just completed another exam practice question on how to persuade and would really appreciate some feedback and what grade you think it would achieve in the exam. Thanks!

Question: We have all seen ‘disaster’ holidays on the TV. Write a letter to a travel company in which you try to persuade them that your holiday was not up to standard and that you deserve compensation.


Answer;

Dear Thomas Cook

I had booked a family holiday in Spain in July this year through your high street travel agent. I had been personally told from your company that it was one of the best holiday resorts in the country and that I would be foolish to miss such an opportunity. Furthermore, your website and brochures had given me the same impression.

Unfortunately, the reality was quite different. I was appalled, horrified and disgusted at the conditions of the resort. For example, the apartment had not been cleaned before our arrival and as a result it was full of dust, dirt, mould and bugs. The air conditioning did not work, we could not access any water and the telephone would not function. Would you spend your holiday here?

To think that you allow your clients to put such trust in your company only to have them let down is a disgrace. I trust that you will understand my reasoning and give me compensation for my troubles or I will take matters further.

Yours sincerely,
Jennifer

[Kalliope]

(Original post by Jennyxo)
So I have just completed another exam practice question on how to persuade and would really appreciate some feedback and what grade you think it would achieve in the exam. Thanks!

Question: We have all seen ‘disaster’ holidays on the TV. Write a letter to a travel company in which you try to persuade them that your holiday was not up to standard and that you deserve compensation.


Answer;

Dear Thomas Cook

I had booked a family holiday in Spain in July this year through your high street travel agent. Not the most interesting way to start, sorry I had been personally told from your company that it was one of the best holiday resorts in the country and that I would be foolish to miss such an opportunity. Furthermore, your website and brochures had given me the same impression.

Unfortunately, the reality was quite try to use a more emotive word - shockingly, utterly, completely, abysmally etcdifferent. I was appalled, horrified and disgusted good at the conditions of the resort. For example, the apartment had not been cleaned before our arrival and as a result it was full of dust, dirt, mould and bugs. The air conditioning did not work, we could not access any water and the telephone would not function. Strong basis but needs to be extended Would you spend your holiday here? nice, but you could build this up further with a bit more emotive language and another rhetorical question hammering the point

To think that you allow your clients to put such trust in your company only to have them let down is a disgrace. I trust that you will understand my reasoning and give me compensation for my troubles or I will take matters further.

Yours sincerely,
Jennifer

Hi I've put some comments above. This is perfectly decent and there's the odd particularly great phrase there but overall I think it doesn't quite have as great an impact as it should. This isn't to say you don't write well and fluently, but it's too focused on explaining why they should refund you rather than persuading them. More hyperbole, more shaming them, more emotive language, try to put in more repetition/ rhetorical questions - in short, try to pack it all in even if it feels overdone. They aren't looking for a letter that would actually serve v well as a complaints letter, they're wanting to see that you can persuade.

EDIT: The main thing, of course, is that this would need to be substantially longer in an exam situation. How long do you have time-wise?

I really wouldn't want to give a grade estimate because I don't know enough and it would only be misleading.

[Jennyxo]

Thank you, they are really helpful points! At first I did write it very confrontational and aggresive but I was afraid that I was taking it to far, possibly going off topic and avoiding the question. This was only a quick draft but in the exam I will only have about 20 minutes or so on this question. But, I will remember to use your tips in the exam!