[Jamie_DB]

First of all, thanks for thinking about marking it :P

Got my English Language resit tomorrow and been focusing on the reading because I've got a C on Writing but resitting just because I could get more.

This took me about 10 minutes on the computer so would take me about 15 minutes on paper. I know it's short but just want to see if I've got the basis of it right. I've got 30 minutes in the exam to do this so would be longer with more points that, in my view, don't need to be made ;D This is how my teacher thought me to set up a letter but she's a bit of an idiot for a High School teacher I think.


Imagine you have a friend or relative who is considering going to live abroad. (20 marks)

5 Their Address Road............................ ........................6 My Address Road
St. Davids.......................... ................................ .........St. Davids
Cardiff......................... ................................ ...............Cardiff
CF10 4TF............................. ................................ .......CF10 4TF

................................ ................................ ................27th May 2012

Dear Jack,

I think that going to live abroad is a wonderful idea which could improve life for both you and your family.
*New Paragraph*
There are so many positives about abroad. First of all, the weather is much more exotic than the typical British grey cloud. This would allow you to enjoy many more of the outdoor activities such as surfing, paragliding or skiing depending on where you decide to go. There’s a new history and culture to learn. There’s also the opportunity to learn a new language fluently. Being bi-lingual is huge in the job business. Remember the times when we took our kids to the beach? It could be like that every day!
*New Paragraph*
Of course going abroad is not the best idea for everyone, especially me. We’ve known each other since we were 6 years old and have not gone a week without seeing each other. I’m sure that John, Jacob and Justin will all miss you too. Your mother and father will also want to keep you close but like myself, we’ll all wish you the best of luck.
*New Paragraph*
I hope you make the right decision and we will all support you whatever the outcome.

Yours sincerely,

Jamie

[JOR2010]

It's way too short. Try and use more complex structures, maybe some more extravagant vocabulary and/or tenses.

[As_Dust_Dances_]

I personally wouldn't repeat "There's" at the start of each sentence in the second paragraph. You could say "Perhaps exploring new cultures and learning all about the history of them could be an interesting experience....". It's quite short so try and expand on the points you've made.

[jLou711]

(Original post by Jamie_DB)
Imagine you have a friend or relative who is considering going to live abroad. (20 marks)

5 Their Address Road............................ ........................6 My Address Road
St. Davids.......................... ................................ .........St. Davids
Cardiff......................... ................................ ...............Cardiff
CF10 4TF............................. ................................ .......CF10 4TF

................................ ................................ ................27th May 2012

Dear Jack,

I think that going to live abroad is a wonderful idea which could improve life for both you and your family.
*New Paragraph*
There are so many positives about living abroad. First of all, the weather is much more exotic than the typical British grey cloud I suggest rewording the previous sentence as "British grey cloud" doesn't really make sense.. This would allow you to enjoy many more of the (suggest taking "of the" out) outdoor activities such as surfing, paragliding or skiing depending on where you decide to go. There’s a new history and culture to learn as well as the opportunity to learn a new language fluently. Being bilingual (bilingual is one word) is huge in the job business (could rewrite it as "is a extremely beneficial/an advantage in the world of work) . Remember the times when we took our kids to the beach? It could be like that every day! (not so sure about this sentence, I gain the impression that you were talking as a teenager to a friend who's 16.. but this sentence implies otherwise - just my opinion, but the rhetorical question and use of exclamation mark is well used)
*New Paragraph*
Of course going abroad is not the best idea for everyone, especially me. We’ve known each other since we were 6 years old and have not gone a week without seeing each other. I’m sure that John, Jacob and Justin will all miss you too. Your mother and father will also want to keep you close but like myself, we’ll all wish you the best of luck.
*New Paragraph*
I hope you make the right decision and we will all support you whatever the outcome.

Yours sincerely,

Jamie

Overall, I think you've got the key ideas and tried to use some good techniques. If you wrote more, I'd say its a B grade perhaps A if you worked on it. Although that's just my opinion and I'm by no means an English teacher/marker/examiner.

[star10159]

(Original post by Jamie_DB)
First of all, thanks for thinking about marking it :P

Got my English Language resit tomorrow and been focusing on the reading because I've got a C on Writing but resitting just because I could get more.

This took me about 10 minutes on the computer so would take me about 15 minutes on paper. I know it's short but just want to see if I've got the basis of it right. I've got 30 minutes in the exam to do this so would be longer with more points that, in my view, don't need to be made ;D This is how my teacher thought me to set up a letter but she's a bit of an idiot for a High School teacher I think.


Imagine you have a friend or relative who is considering going to live abroad. (20 marks)

5 Their Address Road............................ ........................6 My Address Road
St. Davids.......................... ................................ .........St. Davids
Cardiff......................... ................................ ...............Cardiff
CF10 4TF............................. ................................ .......CF10 4TF
F
................................ ................................ ................27th May 2012

Dear Jack,

I think that going to live abroad is a wonderful idea which could improve life for both you and your family.
*New Paragraph*
There are so many positives about abroad. First of all, the weather is much more exotic than the typical British grey cloud. This would allow you to enjoy many more of the outdoor activities such as surfing, paragliding or skiing depending on where you decide to go. There’s a new history and culture to learn. There’s also the opportunity to learn a new language fluently. Being bi-lingual is huge in the job business. Remember the times when we took our kids to the beach? It could be like that every day!
*New Paragraph*
Of course going abroad is not the best idea for everyone, especially me. We’ve known each other since we were 6 years old and have not gone a week without seeing each other. I’m sure that John, Jacob and Justin will all miss you too. Your mother and father will also want to keep you close but like myself, we’ll all wish you the best of luck.
*New Paragraph*
I hope you make the right decision and we will all support you whatever the outcome.

Yours sincerely,

Jamie

It looks like you are doing the WJEC board? If not then ignore this, lol
Dont try to follow a generic template, try to vary your sentence structure and syntax now and then.
Use more AFOREST techniques.
Go from general to specific. Your essay is too generic, try to explain and elaborate why going abroad is good/bad.
Use punctuation such as semi colons to get more marks.

[Jamie_DB]

Thanks guys

Yeah, sorry about the editting, I'm an occasional forum member. I shall look into the vocabulary. Yeah, I just couldn't think of anything else to use except for There's.

Yeah, I'm WJEC. What does AFOREST stand for? Sorry, I've heard of it but teacher has never explained it :P

[jLou711]

Alliteration
Facts/Figures
Opinions stated as facts
Rhetorical questions
Emotive language
Statistics/Speech (idk)
Three

[Jamie_DB]

(Original post by jLou711)
Alliteration
Facts/Figures
Opinions stated as facts
Rhetorical questions
Emotive language
Statistics/Speech (idk)
Three

These sound more like they'll be used in other writing tasks. Thanks anyway

[jLou711]

(Original post by Jamie_DB)
These sound more like they'll be used in other writing tasks. Thanks anyway

If you say so.. but I guarantee if you use them (in the correct way) you'll achieve top bands for your section B.

If you don't then.. well thats your choice but without those techniques your essay will just be a plain text without much engagement to the readers nor will it be very interesting to read.