[Anonymous]

Hey everyone. I have a bit of a sensitive issue with an old friend from school.

Over the past year we have moved in very different directions. He has repeated 6th form and I have just finished first year on an access course.

I have changed a lot this year. I have managed to pull myself pretty much all the way out of depression, and this year has given me time to re-asses what I want to do with my life. I am way more positive and able to assert my own opinion now, without being all nervous and touchy

Problem is, the path I want to go down doesn't involve uni anymore. So I will be moving back home. My friend doesn't have many friends because he is quite narrow minded and socially awkward. He doesn't get out much, and unfortunately isn't the best looker, so doesn't get much interest from girls. So me and another friend from school are the only true friends he has to cling on to.

Now I don't want to cut the guy out completely, but I think his negative attitude and opinions might damage the progress that I have made, from surrounding myself with very positive and optimistic attitude for a year

What do you think I should do? I have just gotten a text from him asking when I will be back home again so we can meet up. I'll feel bad if I ignore him, but equally I don't like his company

[0Muzzles0]

You don't need to ignore him at all - Just explain that there's things that you need to do and that it's difficult for you to make time for him these days

[kyambadde]

Ask him to only stay friends,he will understand

[green.tea]

Be busy most of the time. Occasionally go for a beer with him. Its what i do in similar situations.

[adieu]

To begin with, congratulations on your progress; that's really fantastic.

I think that it might be a good idea to consider why you don't like the company of this friend. You've already said that he has a very negative attitude towards life, but perhaps even analyse specifically what he once said/did which made you think, "You know what, this person really can't be in my life anymore." If you do this, you might want weigh up the good qualities of this person's friendship also, and then this sort of puts things into perspective a bit, and then you could decide if his friendship was truly unbearable or not.

I'm just thinking that seeing as you two have gone in very different directions in life, and evidently have rather different outlooks on life and personalities, the chances are that you may well "drift apart" anyway, without having to break it off cleanly and just decide never to speak to one another again. So if you decide that this person's company is just completely unbearable, then you could just stop answering this friend and eventually he would stop messaging you. I think that if you can actually feel yourself becoming depressed around him and that you think it might have a long-term effect on your own mental health, it is important that you stop meeting him quickly, by whatever means necessary. However, if you wanted to save this person's feelings and wouldn't mind making the process a bit slower, you can simply only answer his texts and messages occassionally, and occassionally meet up with him, but inform him that you are very busy with work/life. That way, he can either take a hint that it's time to meet new people, or genuinely believe that you haven't got that much time on your hands.

I'm just thinking that although his being narrow-minded and awkward is not something that is your responsibility to solve (I mean, for goodness' sake, it seems like you've had enough on your plate trying to get yourself back on track without having to deal with someone else as well! ), I was in a similar position to you and had a friend who got a similar sort of depression to me after I felt that I had recovered a bit (she ignored me for quite a while, which wasn't great for my newly-repaired ego at all), and I think that it would perhaps be a really good thing if you met up with him a few more times in very spaced out intervals and make it seem more like you've drifted apart. It isn't necessary to do that at all, it's just that when I was in that (kind of same) situation before, I found that it was good to remember that I was once in my friend's position where people didn't really want to be around me or talk to me, and that it would have really hurt me to have a friend who cut me out of their lives. However, of course, the circumstances of your situation may be entirely different, and of course, you should stop answering his texts and messages if you feel that it's having a negative effect on you, because very few things are worth sacriphicing your mental health for. At the end of the day, he should at least attempt to make an effort to be a positive a likeable person around his friends. This doesn't mean faking that he is alright, but he should at least try to make an effort for you.

So sorry for the long post, but I hope it helps somewhat!

[331sam331]

(Original post by 0Muzzles0)
You don't need to ignore him at all - Just explain that there's things that you need to do and that it's difficult for you to make time for him these days

Yea I don't want to ignore him completely. That's a bit harsh, because he hasn't done anything to offend or hurt me. He just passively brings me down if you know what I mean. When you spend too much time around negative people, it really rubs off on you. Coping with my dad is hard enough.

I genuinely wont have time to see him, in between getting a job, building websites and trying to make new friends, I just won't have any spare time.

(Original post by kyambadde)
Ask him to only stay friends,he will understand

Haha i'm a dude, and I don't swing that way if you know what I mean

(Original post by green.tea)
Be busy most of the time. Occasionally go for a beer with him. Its what i do in similar situations.

That is my current tactic. But it's just annoying when you don't want to see the person, and you know you far more fun and productive things to be doing back home...

(Original post by adieu)
To begin with, congratulations on your progress; that's really fantastic.

Thank's I am so glad to be out of that place, I just worry that I will slip back once I go home, because that is where it began. Mostly triggered by my dad and isolating myself. I'll do my best to avoid it and keep busy, but I can't help thinking I will relapse if I don't find a job/apprenticeship/friends or whatever

I think it's just because he is in a very narrow mindset. I'm the kind of guy that wants to explore and taste new things. He's the kind of guy that is very set in his ways, and challenges or ridicules any out of the ordinary plans you have. He has a knack for making you feel guilty, and like it's your fault if we have an argument. In that respect he is like my dad. Short fuse, not accomadating and is really good at making you feel guilty and like utter ****.

It's quite hard to avoid him when everyone is back from uni, because the pub that we all hang out in, is in his home town. So we kind of feel compelled to invite him, so that we don't leave him out. He doesn't really make an effort with anyone though. He just sits at the bar on his own and then complains that no one talks to him or makes an effort.

I know what you mean about being left out because of your mental state. That happened to me because of my anxiety. People felt awkward around me because I was so quiet and just assumed I was being snobby or just plain boring. There were so many things I wanted to say though, I just couldn't get them out.

We have tried to help him, and talk to him in the past. Me and my friend literally sat him down, and asked him what was wrong and tried to help him. But he was too stubborn, and I don't have the energy or force to unstick him from his ways. Again, it reminds me of my dad, who is very stuck in his ways, and no matter how much I try to help him he is just so stuck. I don't want to end up like that, but I can see it happening. It's so bad infact, that my sister only sees him once every few months or so, and even then she begrudges seeing him just for a few hours. Just because he puts such a downer on you. I can't escape it as easily because of the whole 'father son' thing, so I end up getting a day and 2 hours a week from him

Your right, even when I am sad on the inside, I try to put a smile on. Fake it till you make it right?

No, not at all, the post was long but very helpful

So thank's very much for your advice