[Anonymous]

Background: Bf and I been going out for 19 months, see each other almost everyday at work (him full time, me 4 hours in the evening). Other than that 1 day in the week (his day off, I stay over about once a month)
He's a secret for my family (I have a muslim family, it's not allowed at all, so when I do see him it's in complete secret). I'm the better half: better looking one, 11 years younger, at uni (he has no degree/a levels, is trying to make it big with his music, works in retail)

The issue: Today I thought it'd be nice if we go to the park for an hour ish after work and picnic/hang since we don't see each other that much at work (didn't at all today) and I won't him till sunday.

He said sometimes he like to go home and just chill since he has only a couple of hours to himself when he gets home (he works 10-8) most days. But this is the first time we've been out after work in a year. It's not a regular thing, I thought it's be a fun spontaneous thing to do especially since the weather's been so nice.

Anyway, I have a right to be hurt I think, I'm not in the wrong being upset about this one right? Thinking of breaking up because I'm just that hurt. I risk getting into A LOT of trouble seeing him, but here he is can't even be arsed to hang for an hour after work.

After he said that I pretty much v quickly said, 'c'mon let's go then'... he was like 'have i pissed you off, y'know i love you etc.' in the station my train was taking a while to come so I told him to go to his platform and wait for his (yes, I suppose I was testing him a bit) he didn't protest. (these are tubes btw, which are only 5-7mins apart)

Basis of breaking up: No point in being in a relationship when you want someone and they don't want you back enough. Plus the risks I'm taking seeing him is starting to feel like it isn't worth it.

tl;dr: Thinking of breaking up with bf because no point in relationship if one person wants to see the other a lot and the other doesn't most of the time.

[xXHolly_90Xx]

Hmm thats how i feel with my boyfriend.. Im constantly wanting him more than he wants me its not good but hes not a secret to my family so im not risking a lot like you. In time ill probably leave if i still feel this way though. Does he realise how much effort it is for you to keep the relationship going? I think breaking up with him straight away is pretty harsh without at least sitting down and calmly talking about where you stand and if there is a reason he is acting that way?

[Anonymous]

(Original post by xXHolly_90Xx)
Hmm thats how i feel with my boyfriend.. Im constantly wanting him more than he wants me its not good but hes not a secret to my family so im not risking a lot like you. In time ill probably leave if i still feel this way though. Does he realise how much effort it is for you to keep the relationship going? I think breaking up with him straight away is pretty harsh without at least sitting down and calmly talking about where you stand and if there is a reason he is acting that way?

Yep, he does realise how much effort it is to see him... To put it in perspective, I always have to say I'm at the library or a field trip... If I want to wear a summer dress with tights i have to leave the house in trousers and change out of it in public loos Urmm, the reason he acts this way is he needs time to work on his music (ie. his plan for stopping working in retail is to make it big with his music) But it's not as if I ever stay over at his bar the one night a month, and we go out once a week... the rest of the week is his to do whatever ...yes I understand he works a 40 hour week usually 10-8... Just hurt really... He has no rules, nobody telling him what to do etc So he could stay out as late as possible without having to face drama when he gets home.

[xXHolly_90Xx]

Tbh i wudnt take working on music as an excuse.. My boyfriend plays guitar in a band and hes really focused on it and hes never let it get in the way of seeing me its never been a problem and i doubt your boyfriend could be more into music than mine!! Haha if you only go out once a week and hes using excuses like that then id be worried if he has all week to do his own things.. You really need to have a chat with him about this and if he doesnt change you may have to move on and realise you can find someone who will appriciate your time

[Anonymous]

(Original post by xXHolly_90Xx)
Tbh i wudnt take working on music as an excuse.. My boyfriend plays guitar in a band and hes really focused on it and hes never let it get in the way of seeing me its never been a problem and i doubt your boyfriend could be more into music than mine!! Haha if you only go out once a week and hes using excuses like that then id be worried if he has all week to do his own things.. You really need to have a chat with him about this and if he doesnt change you may have to move on and realise you can find someone who will appriciate your time

Thanks for your advice. He is really really into his music, probably similar to your boyfriend.

The thing is because I see him so little, I didn't think I was being overbearing/encroaching on his space... And since we've been going out for so long I thought by now, it;d be fun to do spontaenous-y things... He keeps saying he loves me and things will get better for us (meaning me having to keep him a secret etc. and things being hard in that way)

I will chat to him about it but it seems he doesn't like talking about serious stuff etc and gets a bit distant when I do try You'd think for someone who was 33, they'd be easier to talk to etc

[kat91s]

Hey, I think you may be overreacting a little, and it would be more helpful to talk to him about it first.

You see him nearly every day at work, and maybe that's why he doesn't want to spend a lot of time with you outside work. I wouldn't take the fact that he wasn't in the mood to hang out this one time as an indication that he doesn't care and isn't putting effort into the relationship. He does work long hours so it's a fair reason, and he also has other interests such as his music.

However, I think it's fair of you to want to do more fun spontaneous things. Just mention it to him, maybe make a few suggestions for things you could do together, and ask if he would feel like it one day after work sometime.

No reason to break up.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by kat91s)
Hey, I think you may be overreacting a little, and it would be more helpful to talk to him about it first.

You see him nearly every day at work, and maybe that's why he doesn't want to spend a lot of time with you outside work. I wouldn't take the fact that he wasn't in the mood to hang out this one time as an indication that he doesn't care and isn't putting effort into the relationship. He does work long hours so it's a fair reason, and he also has other interests such as his music.

However, I think it's fair of you to want to do more fun spontaneous things. Just mention it to him, maybe make a few suggestions for things you could do together, and ask if he would feel like it one day after work sometime.

No reason to break up.

When I say I see him at work, out of the 4 hours I'm there, I see him for about 15 minutes in short bursts of time. No hanging out at breaks or anything.
I did speak to him and mentioned how it feels like I always want to see him more than he wants to see me, he said sorry it feels like that but didn't deny it being true. I guess I'm just starting to get fed up of always arranging all the meeting up when he could easily do it as he has no scary parents who will honourkill him or whatever

[Zara<3]

Hey i think when guys get comfortable in a relationship..they sometimes get a tad lazy and don't show their love and affection as sometimes we expect them to..you said he's always saying he loves you etc..so i think he's just hung up in his work and music..and just finding it hard to balance everything out but he's still trying to reassure you that he feels the same? i think if you want to test him a bit, distance from him a bit, as in give him even more space, like don't suggest to meet up wait for him? and act really chilled out and show that you have your own life too kinda thing..then maybe he'll start missing you more than usual and then initiate on meeting up with you more..but i think if he still does show you love when you see him and hasn't changed in any way..then you have nothing to worry about really

[kat91s]

(Original post by Anonymous)
When I say I see him at work, out of the 4 hours I'm there, I see him for about 15 minutes in short bursts of time. No hanging out at breaks or anything.
I did speak to him and mentioned how it feels like I always want to see him more than he wants to see me, he said sorry it feels like that but didn't deny it being true. I guess I'm just starting to get fed up of always arranging all the meeting up when he could easily do it as he has no scary parents who will honourkill him or whatever

What happens when you don't arrange to meet up? Maybe he doesn't try because he knows you will do it.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Zara<3)
Hey i think when guys get comfortable in a relationship..they sometimes get a tad lazy and don't show their love and affection as sometimes we expect them to..you said he's always saying he loves you etc..so i think he's just hung up in his work and music..and just finding it hard to balance everything out but he's still trying to reassure you that he feels the same? i think if you want to test him a bit, distance from him a bit, as in give him even more space, like don't suggest to meet up wait for him? and act really chilled out and show that you have your own life too kinda thing..then maybe he'll start missing you more than usual and then initiate on meeting up with you more..but i think if he still does show you love when you see him and hasn't changed in any way..then you have nothing to worry about really

Thank you for your advice.
I'm supposed to be going to his on sunday, so I'll tell him he can have some space then if he wants. But I don't want to start distancing myself without telling him, as in I don;t want to play games. I'd rather be up front about me giving him space. On that day I've also been invited to a picnic (by a guy who likes me, who my bf doesn't like) and was toying with the idea of going to that.

I basically feel like I'm not very 'wanted' or I'm getting in the way of his time... Which I'd understand if we were always seeing each other, it's just the fact that we hardly see each other and he still said that 'don't like hanging out after work, just wanna go home' a little bit hurtful... I don't think I've ever said anything like that to him.


I'm quite interested in guy's opinions on this too.

[sekret]

You're thinking of dumping him because he wasn't so keen on going to the park..
Wow.
I get that you don't see each other as much as you'd like but you sound REALLY high maintenance.
And you can't hold it against him because YOU won't tell YOUR family.. It sounds like you're saying he should put more into it than you because you're 'risking' more..

[Anonymous]

(Original post by kat91s)
What happens when you don't arrange to meet up? Maybe he doesn't try because he knows you will do it.

He does it... but only very last minute. Eg. It's the night before his day off (around 11.30pm ish) and he'll ask if Iwanna do anything the next day. whereas when I do it, I'll make sure we have enough time to plan anything extra. eg. if we want to go to a gig or something..

[Anonymous]

(Original post by sekret)
You're thinking of dumping him because he wasn't so keen on going to the park..
Wow.
I get that you don't see each other as much as you'd like but you sound REALLY high maintenance.
And you can't hold it against him because YOU won't tell YOUR family.. It sounds like you're saying he should put more into it than you because you're 'risking' more..

It's not that I won't... it's because if I do, I risk being thrown out of the house. I'm still a student and not able to financially live on my own. I will tell them as soon as I have a full time job and know if they throw me out I won't be on the streets. Of course I'd love to tell them about him, but there's a lot at stake. Especially, is it even worth it if I feel like he isn't keen on seeing me.

Also, this isn;t he first instance... This happened last year when I tried having a spontaneous meet up after work. I just thought a year on, things would be different, but he's literally just happy with the one day a week where we just stay in and have sex.

And he doesn't put in much anyway, I'm the one who always arranges our dates, he's never the first to think of doing anything. Except for one time he saw a bass he liked in essex so wanted to make a day out of it.

I don't think I'm high maintenance due to me doing everything for him. Eg. paying for his gig tickets etc. I did as a nice gesture the first few times, but now he just lets me, and if I don't offer to then we never go.

[kat91s]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I basically feel like I'm not very 'wanted' or I'm getting in the way of his time... Which I'd understand if we were always seeing each other, it's just the fact that we hardly see each other and he still said that 'don't like hanging out after work, just wanna go home' a little bit hurtful... I don't think I've ever said anything like that to him.

Look at it from his point of view. I agree that wouldn't be very much time if he had a lot of free time, but think of it in terms of his work and his interests. He works long hours and wants to pursue music.

When I used to do 10-hour shifts (12-10), all I wanted to do at the end of the day was relax too. Why don't you see if he would mind you coming over in the evenings and just chilling together?

I also play music, and there are times when I have to give that my time and energy instead of my boyfriend. That should be fine, because everyone needs time and space to do something they enjoy independently of their partner.

I think he could be giving you a bit more time occasionally, but maybe you should decide whether you're happy being with him if he can't give you as much time as you want.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by kat91s)
Look at it from his point of view. I agree that wouldn't be very much time if he had a lot of free time, but think of it in terms of his work and his interests. He works long hours and wants to pursue music.

When I used to do 10-hour shifts (12-10), all I wanted to do at the end of the day was relax too. Why don't you see if he would mind you coming over in the evenings and just chilling together?

I also play music, and there are times when I have to give that my time and energy instead of my boyfriend. That should be fine, because everyone needs time and space to do something they enjoy independently of their partner.

I think he could be giving you a bit more time occasionally, but maybe you should decide whether you're happy being with him if he can't give you as much time as you want.

I agree with you. I'd love for him to come over, but becaus I live with my parents he can't. It's not a very easy situation and makes things tense. I pretty much live a lie because they won't accept him or my 'western' outlook on things.

I just feel like I'm always second to everything really.

I think I know the answer tbh.

Thank you for your advice.

[sekret]

(Original post by Anonymous)
It's not that I won't... it's because if I do, I risk being thrown out of the house. I'm still a student and not able to financially live on my own. I will tell them as soon as I have a full time job and know if they throw me out I won't be on the streets. Of course I'd love to tell them about him, but there's a lot at stake. Especially, is it even worth it if I feel like he isn't keen on seeing me.

Also, this isn;t he first instance... This happened last year when I tried having a spontaneous meet up after work. I just thought a year on, things would be different, but he's literally just happy with the one day a week where we just stay in and have sex.

And he doesn't put in much anyway, I'm the one who always arranges our dates, he's never the first to think of doing anything. Except for one time he saw a bass he liked in essex so wanted to make a day out of it.

I don't think I'm high maintenance due to me doing everything for him. Eg. paying for his gig tickets etc. I did as a nice gesture the first few times, but now he just lets me, and if I don't offer to then we never go.

Yeah he does sound like he takes you for granted a bit. Usually the answer everyone gives on here is 'have you talked to him about it' and if so and it hasn't worked, maybe try a different approach (although i have no idea =[)

Sounds like he's happy with a part time relationship so as Kat said, it's up to you whether it's something you can see making you happy and if not then you know what the best option is

[kat91s]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I agree with you. I'd love for him to come over, but becaus I live with my parents he can't. It's not a very easy situation and makes things tense. I pretty much live a lie because they won't accept him or my 'western' outlook on things.

I just feel like I'm always second to everything really.

I think I know the answer tbh.

Thank you for your advice.

I know, you sound like you've made up your mind. All the best

[Zara<3]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I agree with you. I'd love for him to come over, but becaus I live with my parents he can't. It's not a very easy situation and makes things tense. I pretty much live a lie because they won't accept him or my 'western' outlook on things.

I just feel like I'm always second to everything really.

I think I know the answer tbh.

Thank you for your advice.

Btw i'm a muslim girl too so i can relate to what you're saying .. why won't your parents accept? is he not muslim? (sorry to be nosy :/)

[Anonymous]

(Original post by sekret)
Yeah he does sound like he takes you for granted a bit. Usually the answer everyone gives on here is 'have you talked to him about it' and if so and it hasn't worked, maybe try a different approach (although i have no idea =[)

Sounds like he's happy with a part time relationship so as Kat said, it's up to you whether it's something you can see making you happy and if not then you know what the best option is

He is, he said to me last night he's happy with how things are so he can work on his music as it's his only way out of retail. Tbh, I don't think it'll get him anywhere. But I'm happy for him to work on his music. He said he'd like to see me more often, but I joked about going over everyday, and that's when he became serious and said no and how even last night, he'd rather just have gone straight home. I don't think it's a nice thing to hear, and obviously couldn't help getting upset over it.

Also, Before this weekend I'd not seen him for 14 days (off work for exams and was in revision mode) so thought it was a nice post exams thing (nice weather, missed him blah blah)

Anyway, before the whole breaking up thing, I'll ask if he wants some space on sunday. See what he says and if he wants to let things stop for a bit because I don't feel like he wants me much and don't want to be the only one doing the 'wanting' as it isn't making me happy.

(Original post by kat91s)
I know, you sound like you've made up your mind. All the best

Thanks again

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Zara<3)
Btw i'm a muslim girl too so i can relate to what you're saying .. why won't your parents accept? is he not muslim? (sorry to be nosy :/)

No it's ok, it's not nosey. No he isn't muslims, he's english and atheist. Does everything anti-muslim... Plus they're very strict muslims. My plan was, I'd tell them when I could see he was in it for the long run, which he says he is. But things like this make me wonder is it worth risking my family for.