A question for the cheaters

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This is a key point. It is very easy for people who have never cheated to consider those who have to be fundamentally different to them, but what leads a person to cheat isn't a fundamental flaw in their character - it's a set of circumstances (some of which may be personal issues including a lack of willpower, some of which may involve their partner, and some which are totally independent of both of these and involve the environment a person happens to be in) which result in them having some intimacy with a person outside their relationship without their partner's knowledge or consent.

As for why cheating always seems so final to relationships:

All of the circumstances given so far as reasons for people having cheated suggest a real problem with a relationship, which, if isn't reason enough alone to end the relationship, then the fact that those involved resorted to cheating rather than discussing the problems sooner probably is.

Reply 41

Arturo Bandini

Original post by Chumbaniya

I think this is the sort of thing that people of the 'once a cheater always a cheater' mentality I was talking about would find very difficult to swallow, but it goes to show that cheating is very dependent on factors beyond some mysterious character flaw that makes a person unfaithful. The nature of a relationship can cause people who may, in other situations, be unfaithful to be very faithful to their partners.

Yeah of course, that is straight up bull****.

I cheated in the past cos the girls I was with were hos and I didn't care about them particularly.

I would never ever do anything to hurt my gf now and I would murder anybody who did

Reply 42

Lucia.

Original post by Chumbaniya

This is a great example of how cheating isn't simple. You had a definite set of circumstances which left you feeling unhappy and unfulfilled, and I think that's the case for a lot of people who cheat on their partners. It's clear that what you did hurt your partner, but if you asked the question - in a thread independent of this one - of whether it is wrong to ignore or neglect your partner's emotional and sexual needs, the response would be an emphatic 'yes' so yours is clearly a complex situation where there were faults on both sides.

That's the conclusion I've come to. I did post a thread about it but the posters thought that the circumstances didn't count. Everyone said I was the most awful person. IRL I lost friends over it. I'm sure my ex boyfriend wouldn't have given a full explanation about it. I certainly don't feel good about it and it's taken me a while to cut myself some slack.

Original post by Chumbaniya

In fact, I think even talking about it as 'faults on both sides' is an oversimplification - it was a case of problems in the relationship, and sometimes they aren't even the result of one person or other doing something which, considered independently of the other person, would be considered hurtful or damaging.

I think that's a fair conclusion to make. People forget that we're all inherently flawed and that finding a relationship is only the beginning - that they actually take work and dedication as you go along. Monogamy is not the full measure of romantic love.

Original post by Chumbaniya

it's a set of circumstances (some of which may be personal issues including a lack of willpower, some of which may involve their partner, and some which are totally independent of both of these and involve the environment a person happens to be in) which result in them having some intimacy with a person outside their relationship without their partner's knowledge or consent.

Indeed. I was topped up on alcohol but I don't know if that counts.

Original post by Chumbaniya

I think this is the sort of thing that people of the 'once a cheater always a cheater' mentality

I really don't like it when people say that, because cheating is down to what's going on in a particular relationship. It refuses people the permission to grow and change.

I can see how it would apply to some people who cheat i.e. those who keep cheating over and over again in a relationship. However even then, the other partner can pull a plug on it by ending the relationship. I think people in general will push the boundaries of their behaviour until they are set by conditions which they have to abide by.

Reply 43

user436

I did because I was young and was only in the relationship for the sake of being in a relationship!
I told him however, as time went on I began to have feeling for him and think I loved him he went to Uni cheated now I hate him
Karmas a bitch :smile:

. But yeh as I've got older matured etc I'm in a diff relationship and I would NEVER dream of cheating on him :smile:

. If your going to just leave its a lot less painfull

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Reply 44

caseyhayes

Original post by such_a_lady

Same here.

I was just an idiot and couldn't take relationships seriously, nor realize when I was in a relationship that was going nowhere. It wouldn't have happened if it were some randomer, but he was a close LD friend with a big history with me. But like Casey said, now I'm in a real relationship I would rather die than make out with someone else in the street. :rolleyes:

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+rep
for sounding just like me, haha :smile:

Reply 45

mark147celts

couldn't cheat, couldn't live with the shame of it!

people these days get into relationships to soon.. When i do get into a relationship it will be with someone I actually really like, could see my future with. Until then UP THE SINGLE LIFE! :smile:

(edited 11 years ago)

Reply 46

Airbus.Boeing

Guys how can I post anonymous?

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Reply 47

Anonymous #4

I dont understand why people cheat i could never ever do it id feel like such a scumbag. I have had fit guys come over when ive been with a boyfriend and ive simply said 'i have a boyfriend' I just dont understand if you make it clear from the start you arnt interested it wont even get to the stage when you are in the position to cheat.

My ex cheated on me because he was at uni and wanted the freedom, but I just dont understand if eh wanted to sleep around then why not break up with me before uni and tell me straight id much rather that than find out all over facebook hed been sleeping with his flatmate while he was telling me he missed me and still loved me .;.......

Reply 48

kanto0tz

Physically, I would never dream of cheating on my significant other. Though opportunities has risen, I never could. Emotionally.. Yes, I'm in a long term relationship that has been going on for 2 year now, he's a great guy, he's nice and means well but he could never fulfill my needs emotionally since day 1, he just doesn't understand me... Several months ago I met another guy online whom I've fallen deep in love with- with no intention of pursuing a romantic relationship with the guy. He and I just get along so well and understand one another, he has the patience with me that my partner doesn't, they both know about each other and neither has made mention of disliking the situation and so the affair goes on and everyone is happy.

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Reply 49

Stevo112

Original post by Lucia.

....

stories like yours, where you cheat because of insecurity/unfulfilled needs/lack of sexy times/low esteem, are not all that bad. The two main blokes in this thread berated some girl earlier on too which I thought was a bit unfair.

I've been cheated on a few times in the past. I wouldn't even like to speculate on my first serious girlfriend because we spent 6 months in a long distance relationship and she was pretty lonely (plus her friends and family were pressuring her to dump me because I was "bisexual" :rolleyes:

). So I will never know about her but some of the others... Put it this way, i've stopped revealing that i'm "bisexual" to girls because it seems to set some of them off big time :rolleyes:

There were other reasons of course...

ANYWAYS, my point is that unless a girl is a nasty piece of work (my last ex might qualify) then there is usually something going wrong for the guy in question. Instead of criticising the decisions of a girl they have never met in their lives, said guys would fare better by trying to figure out what makes girls cheat on them. I do not believe that you personally would cheat on me if we had a thing and I was a decent, confident and attractive bloke. Why would you? :wink:

I think girls like you should certainly be called stupid for what you did, but as you've said we all have our flaws and it is only by making mistakes that you improve who you are. That being said, you can probably call every single guy on this forum stupid for a similar relationship issue :tongue:

. Don't feel the need to defend your actions, you did what you felt was right and it didn't seem as bad as people make out.

Reply 50

Lucia.

Original post by Stevo112

. Don't feel the need to defend your actions, you did what you felt was right and it didn't seem as bad as people make out.

Thanks. I think that's a fair assessment. I am still dwelling on it so much. People think that if you cheat, your actions mean nothing to you. I've been having a full-on existential crisis for months. I've been doing stupid things because I haven't thought myself worthy of love. I feel like that relationship totally destroyed me.

Reply 51

abc:)

Original post by Snorrrlax

Is there anyone here who has cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend in the past? If so, I'd like to ask why you did it? I'm just trying to understand what goes through somebody's mind when they do this.

I cheated after we went away to separate unis. We split up a few weeks later although not because of that.

I think what was going through my mind was a lotttt of alcohol, a worry that we were gonna split up anyway, a sense that maybe I didn't wana be with him, a lot of confusion and insecurity [the bf had played me a lot and messed me up in various ways]

None of this excuses it, I still wish I had never done it but if I had to sum up where my head was at that point, that's the best I could do it.

Reply 52

username418231

Original post by ct2k7

I suppose people are only as faithful as their options.

Here's a situation I read about. Woman married shorter man. Shorter man apparently treater her like a princess. Woman cheated on taller man. Shorter man found out, left her. Woman married taller man. Shorter man committed suicide. Woman wasn't treated as well by taller man, in fact he abused her. Taller man cheated on woman with about 4 other women. Taller man makes two of the women pregnant.

That sounds messed up? I've condensed it and left lots of stuff out, it only gets worse if you read the whole lot.

Woah tell us more.

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Reply 53

username418231

Original post by Snorrrlax

I think the reason why a lot of people are so unwilling to forgive cheating is because it goes against the fundamental idea of a relationship. Your view of that person is also tainted - its hard to be happy around them again. At least in my opinion it is.