[Bellissima]

you should be funny and relatable with good popular policies... not overly serious and extreme.

[eterna]

Too many analogies!
Just go in with shades and an open shirt like SRK!

[Shahrukh9000]

(Original post by Bellissima)
you should be funny and relatable with good popular policies... not overly serious and extreme.

Which are overly extreme?

(Original post by eterna)
Too many analogies!
Just go in with shades and an open shirt like SRK!

I wish I could...but I'd probably get suspended for that believe it or not.

[electriic_ink]

You've written your speech out word for word This is guaranteed to make you sound montonous and dull; and if you do try to be spontaneous, you'll lose your place and look like a ****.

[Shahrukh9000]

You think that I should just note down a few key points on a slip and in my speech simply look at my key points and expand them on stage in front of everyone?

[electriic_ink]

(Original post by Shahrukh9000)
You think that I should just note down a few key points on a slip and in my speech simply look at my key points and expand them on stage in front of everyone?

Yes. And try and memorise as many of those points as possible. That way you won't be looking at your notecard so much, which gives you more time to make eye contact with the audience.

[cyfer]

The start is incredibly generic and isn't exactly attention grabbing.

That quote is excellent but you seem to mention it and then just leave it there. Focus on it more, perhaps make it central to your speech rather than jumping to your tree analogy (which we all know is a bit bull****ty)

Don't take notes at all when making your speech, you will only collapse.

[NeonIndian]

(Original post by Shahrukh9000)
Ok point taken :P

Also what do you think of the first paragraph? Some people have told me it makes me sound pretentious or cocky. Does it?

I think it sounds good on the whole, the only bit that I would change is 'I could promise you a bunch of stuff, but you're too clever for that.' People don't like to be told what they are generally, so I can see why that would come across as pretentious or cocky. Instead of 'you're too clever for that' you could replace it with 'but I'm sure you don't want to listen to that' or 'I'm sure you've heard it all before.' Other than that, I don't think it comes across as cocky.

[NeonIndian]

Also when you make your speech, speak clearly, eloquently and don't rush. Try and put some character into it. One of my friends did that and got head girl!

[Shahrukh9000]

(Original post by electriic_ink)
Yes. And try and memorise as many of those points as possible. That way you won't be looking at your notecard so much, which gives you more time to make eye contact with the audience.

Ok thank you that's a good point.

(Original post by cyfer)
The start is incredibly generic and isn't exactly attention grabbing.

That quote is excellent but you seem to mention it and then just leave it there. Focus on it more, perhaps make it central to your speech rather than jumping to your tree analogy (which we all know is a bit bull****ty)

Don't take notes at all when making your speech, you will only collapse.

I assume you mean the Henry David Thoreau quote "I cannot make my days longer...", right? I do come back to at the end with the last line, is that not enough?

(Original post by Shahrukh9000)
"Hi everyone my name is ******. So I’ve been given three minutes to tell you why you should vote for me to be your Head boy. I could promise you a bunch of really awesome things, like a lot candidates would, but I'm sure you don't want to listen to that rubbish. So I’ll tell you the truth and what I think I can realistically do for this school and for all of you.

A poet named Henry David Thoreau once wrote “I cannot make my days longer, so I strive to make them better”. With this Head Boy election here at St. Joseph’s, we also have an opportunity to make our days better.

I believe our college is like a tree; we are all different parts of this tree, for example – The teachers are like the roots, which supplement us with knowledge and help us to grow. If I was Head Boy, I would be like the manure which the gardener spreads to enrich the ground, just that little added extra which can make a big difference.

Some of the things I’ve thought about for the school are:

1) I want the students to have a voice in St Joseph’s. For that we have a pupil council. The thing is though, the pupil council is absolutely useless. I’m not just saying that for no reason. I was a member of the council until my 5th year and I’m sure some of you will agree with me when I say that while we talked and discussed and acted as if we had a say, it was really the teachers that ran the show. A lot of important decisions have been made in the school by the teachers and though the pupil council is called to meet and discuss these decisions, what they, what we say doesn’t really matter that much. Even if we were to show our complete disagreement, it wouldn’t matter. I’m not just making this up by the way, this is the case. If you vote for me as Head Boy, I will do my best to change this.

2) I want St. Joseph’s to offer more clubs, tournaments and competitions. These can be sport and non-sport. For example, in terms of tournaments we could have badminton, basketball and obviously football – maybe themed on the Euro 2012 tournament this year. In terms of non-sporty things, we could have monthly art and photography contests; we could form a group of people who know a lot about computers and gaming to maybe become a gaming group which could even develop some small, free computer games for the school.

3) If I am Head Boy, I also promise to do my best to form a prom committee, with people from 5th and 6th year, to organise a brilliant prom for you all. Next years prom might not be on your minds right now, especially for all the 5th years, but in a few months you’ll start thinking about it and it’ll become much more important.

I realise that, being Head Boy isn’t about being better than anyone else. It’s about having the trust of the student body to organise and represent them with honesty and enthusiasm, whenever called upon.
I have the compassion to listen, the ability to always work hard, yet have a good sense of humour.
So don’t vote for me just because of my good looks and charming demeanour, although you might be tempted to do that. Vote for me because you have excellent taste and superb decision making skills!

Our days might not be longer but they can sure be better."

How could I change the intro (in bold) to make it more interesting and attention grabbing?
Also I will take out the tree thing (underlined).

Any other changes I should make?

[urosion91]

At my school it was just a popularity vote no actual policies apart from agreeing to a after prom party. It may be different at private schools I'm guessing?

[Shahrukh9000]

(Original post by NeonIndian)
I think it sounds good on the whole, the only bit that I would change is 'I could promise you a bunch of stuff, but you're too clever for that.' People don't like to be told what they are generally, so I can see why that would come across as pretentious or cocky. Instead of 'you're too clever for that' you could replace it with 'but I'm sure you don't want to listen to that' or 'I'm sure you've heard it all before.' Other than that, I don't think it comes across as cocky.

Fair point, thanks.

[johndoranglasgow]

(Original post by Shahrukh9000)

"
A poet named Henry David Thoreau once wrote “I cannot make my days longer, so I strive to make them better”. With this Head Boy election here at St. Joseph’s, we also have an opportunity to make our days better...
"

I kinda doubt that extending your lunchtime was what Thoreau was getting at there.

Tone the whole thing down, it is way too lofty and, at times, cringeworthy. It doesn't have to be "I have a dream" just "'Sup homedogs, vote for me - 'cause I'm awesome."

[willbee]

As if you were genuinely going to compare yourself to manure

Edit: I have a feeling, if the position is voted for by students, that you're not going to win.

[Shahrukh9000]

(Original post by johndoranglasgow)
I kinda doubt that extending your lunchtime was what Thoreau was getting at there.

Tone the whole thing down, it is way too lofty and, at times, cringeworthy. It doesn't have to be "I have a dream" just "'Sup homedogs, vote for me - 'cause I'm awesome."

Can you please explain what's cringeworthy or which sections are cringeworthy?

(Original post by willbee)
As if you were genuinely going to compare yourself to manure

Edit: I have a feeling, if the position is voted for by students, that you're not going to win.

I was!
And why do you say that?

[HighwayUnicorn]

(Original post by urosion91)
At my school it was just a popularity vote no actual policies apart from agreeing to a after prom party. It may be different at private schools I'm guessing?

This. Your speech could be the next "I have a dream", but if everyone already has their minds set on the popular guy/girl then you have little chance of winning. The sad truth

[janet9]

Lose Thoreau's quote. That ridiculous tree analogy is cheesy - get rid of it. Cut the crap and mention how you're going to improve the pupil council - you're not there to slag off how bad it is. For the second paragraph, noone cares about what YOU want. Focus on what others want, and give a brief mention on what you're going to do to reach those goals. And you want to form a prom committee - is that it? How are you going to do this? What will you offer to others? What's the benefit others will get? The second last sentence is pure garbage - you're not a comedian. You are meant to be serious - don't think that people are going to smile when they see you up there. You give the impression, I hate to have to say it, of an arrogant person who knows nothing about what the role of a Head Boy involves.

[Shahrukh9000]

(Original post by janet9)
Lose Thoreau's quote. That ridiculous tree analogy is cheesy - get rid of it. Cut the crap and mention how you're going to improve the pupil council - you're not there to slag off how bad it is. For the second paragraph, noone cares about what YOU want. Focus on what others want, and give a brief mention on what you're going to do to reach those goals. And you want to form a prom committee - is that it? How are you going to do this? What will you offer to others? What's the benefit others will get? The second last sentence is pure garbage - you're not a comedian. You are meant to be serious - don't think that people are going to smile when they see you up there. You give the impression, I hate to have to say it, of an arrogant person who knows nothing about what the role of a Head Boy involves.

Do explain why I should lose the quote? A lot of people have said they liked it.
What exactly is "the crap"?
How am I supposed to know what others want?

Since you seen to know a lot about the role of Head Boy, do tell me what it involves and how I can change my speech to be able to achieve this role?

[kimsiclez]

You're going for Head Boy, not President. Think about your audience. What would you want to listen to if you were them? Don't be so formal, as if you're talking with them rather than at them - it's more engaging.

Try actually standing up and saying the speech aloud and hear yourself. Is this how you would talk normally? Try and imitate casual or consultative speech. See if there's anything you would change and try to imitate the way you speak normally to your friends etc. Your speech would be fantastic to read but it hasn't quite got the right tone for a speech aimed at high school students. If they're voting for you then you want to get on their good side, not the teachers'. Humour always helps.

[manchesterunited15]

(Original post by Shahrukh9000)

If I was Head Boy, I would be like the manure which the gardener spreads

Lol'd