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Opinions/help please (friend being used for sex)

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    One of my closest friends (a girl, 19) currently has a friend with benefits who she is very deeply infatuated with, and I think he's just using her as a quick shag whenever he wants one. I wouldn't be too bothered about this if her feelings weren't involved, but they are, so I feel I should help. Some opinions please?

    They've known each other a few years but only over the last few months have they actually started getting closer. She had a crush on him for a while but with her being the person she is she had regular crushes on others, so I never really thought anything of it. They got a little closer as friends until one day he kissed her, and a few weeks later they became friends with benefits. As you might expect, feelings got involved pretty quickly and they soon became "technically in a relationship". I'm fine with that, it happens, but one thing gets me. They barely talk, and the few times I've seen him away from her she's not been mentioned at all which struck me as profoundly odd for a 'couple' who apparently like each other very much in their position. I found out the other day that when they do talk he only really says things like "I've really missed you" and "I want to see you again" which in itself is nothing particularly worrying, but the fact is he won't speak to her apart from when he says that, knowing he'll get a shag when they see each other.

    She's got her feelings terribly tied up in this (it's the first time for a long time she's not moved on within days/weeks, and her moods change massively dependig on him) and it seems to me that he is only using her. He sees other women, but I don't know how much they get up to. Has anyone got any opinions on if he is using her, and how to help her out if he is?
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    It's her choice what she does, you just have to support her and let her see the light eventually. FWB only work for a small percentage of people so if she's not one who can separate feelings from sex then FWB just isn't suitable for her. She is gonna have to either end things or get him to commit to a proper relationship or else she's gonna get terrorised emotionally. Let her know that you're worried and you've got her back, but don't try and force her to do stuff as you'll just push her towards him even more.
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    (Original post by RichyFrench)
    It's her choice what she does, you just have to support her and let her see the light eventually. FWB only work for a small percentage of people so if she's not one who can separate feelings from sex then FWB just isn't suitable for her. She is gonna have to either end things or get him to commit to a proper relationship or else she's gonna get terrorised emotionally. Let her know that you're worried and you've got her back, but don't try and force her to do stuff as you'll just push her towards him even more.
    She's already being terrorised emotionally though, which is why I'm asking for advice. I share all of your concerns about it, I feel like something needs to be done though because of how into she has got herself. I tried to stop her getting so into it, not to end it, but it's not helped at all.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    One of my closest friends (a girl, 19) currently has a friend with benefits who she is very deeply infatuated with, and I think he's just using her as a quick shag whenever he wants one. I wouldn't be too bothered about this if her feelings weren't involved, but they are, so I feel I should help. Some opinions please?

    They've known each other a few years but only over the last few months have they actually started getting closer. She had a crush on him for a while but with her being the person she is she had regular crushes on others, so I never really thought anything of it. They got a little closer as friends until one day he kissed her, and a few weeks later they became friends with benefits. As you might expect, feelings got involved pretty quickly and they soon became "technically in a relationship". I'm fine with that, it happens, but one thing gets me. They barely talk, and the few times I've seen him away from her she's not been mentioned at all which struck me as profoundly odd for a 'couple' who apparently like each other very much in their position. I found out the other day that when they do talk he only really says things like "I've really missed you" and "I want to see you again" which in itself is nothing particularly worrying, but the fact is he won't speak to her apart from when he says that, knowing he'll get a shag when they see each other.

    She's got her feelings terribly tied up in this (it's the first time for a long time she's not moved on within days/weeks, and her moods change massively dependig on him) and it seems to me that he is only using her. He sees other women, but I don't know how much they get up to. Has anyone got any opinions on if he is using her, and how to help her out if he is?
    FWB... you think he just wants sex?

    lol am I missing something?
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    Surely she just wants the same?

    Let her lie in her bed, she made it.
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    its her desicion, its her life if you really cared just tell her your worries but leave it at that.
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    Unfortunately, it's not really your game to play. Leave her to it and all you can do is be there for her if it does go wrong. Shell appreciate that
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    So I'm assuming you're male and want to sleep with your friend instead of this other guy?
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    (Original post by Chumbaniya)
    So I'm assuming you're male and want to sleep with your friend instead of this other guy?
    Ninja'd, I was about to get to that.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    One of my closest friends (a girl, 19) currently has a friend with benefits who she is very deeply infatuated with, and I think he's just using her as a quick shag whenever he wants one. I wouldn't be too bothered about this if her feelings weren't involved, but they are, so I feel I should help. Some opinions please?

    They've known each other a few years but only over the last few months have they actually started getting closer. She had a crush on him for a while but with her being the person she is she had regular crushes on others, so I never really thought anything of it. They got a little closer as friends until one day he kissed her, and a few weeks later they became friends with benefits. As you might expect, feelings got involved pretty quickly and they soon became "technically in a relationship". I'm fine with that, it happens, but one thing gets me. They barely talk, and the few times I've seen him away from her she's not been mentioned at all which struck me as profoundly odd for a 'couple' who apparently like each other very much in their position. I found out the other day that when they do talk he only really says things like "I've really missed you" and "I want to see you again" which in itself is nothing particularly worrying, but the fact is he won't speak to her apart from when he says that, knowing he'll get a shag when they see each other.

    She's got her feelings terribly tied up in this (it's the first time for a long time she's not moved on within days/weeks, and her moods change massively dependig on him) and it seems to me that he is only using her. He sees other women, but I don't know how much they get up to. Has anyone got any opinions on if he is using her, and how to help her out if he is?
    He's not "using" her. They're not in a relationship, (there is no "technically" in a relationship"). They have a fwb understanding. He is under no obligation to go about skipping around dreamily singing her name. The only thing you can do, is to point out to her that things are going to come crashing down on her ass pretty quickly if she doesn't think that there's a good likelihood of him leaving her for someone else soon. If she doesn't listen, it is really HER problem. What irks me is that she'll probably spend the next two years bitching about how horrible "all men" are when it's she who get herself into that predicament

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Updated: June 8, 2012
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