Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?
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Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?Jews. We need to kill them all. Every single last maggot, needs to be dead.
These were the only instructions. Gary crumpled up the note, and with a flick of a match, incinerated it.
Rain poured down, and splattered on the ice cold cobbled pavements. Egarqi was a small village on the eastern front. It was a bustling village, as bustling as any village could get. There was the butchers, ran by the pokanskis, which made good money. There was the local village school, although small, it was incredible well known to academics. In the past 25 years, the pass rate has been way above national average to a degree where it cannot be down to chance. There was the local doctors surgery, which hardly seemed necessary, due to the abundance of health the residents maintained.
Only home to around 300, it was a tight knit community. Everyone knew each other. Everyone knew each others secrets. It was the kind of place your grandmother grew up in, and her grandmother grew up in too! It was a place where people would go outside, go on holiday; any activity you name it, and not lock the doors. Crime was almost non existent. Some children, as they grew up, would move away from the village- however this was the minority. But children weren't. Parents would often have 6,7 children to carry on the family name. The alwarzers, eintiers, Opposicers- All famous names from the village that had been carried on for centuries, even millenniums, were well known to all the village folk. Some were even infamous and written about in the scientific community, from quantum mechanics to innovations in medicine. However, one name was most famous of all. One name, when mentioned, leaped out at you; like a starved alligator launches itself at its prey. One name would be cemented through time. Through history.
And they just didn't know about it. Yet.Last edited by dongonaeatu; 09-06-2012 at 02:01. -
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Re: Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?just writing that now man. I will update you if you want? Is it interesting enough to make you read on?(Original post by Bollo's Lovechild)
Erm, I like your short and Sharp use of sentence length but I'm very slightly worried as to what Gary is going to do later on in the plot. -
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Re: Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?why not(Original post by Bollo's Lovechild)
Yes, I am intrigued, but I'd definitely not want to read an anti-semite story, to put it bluntly. -
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Re: Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?I updated it it please read on(Original post by Bollo's Lovechild)
Yes, I am intrigued, but I'd definitely not want to read an anti-semite story, to put it bluntly. -
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Re: Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?Would you read on(Original post by M4LLY)
Looks good to me, although a bit too much detail for my liking -
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Re: Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?no, i was trying to build up a background of the village. would you read on(Original post by + polarity -)
There were some phrases I didn't really see the need for lol, particularly the ones about the school being well-known, and the grandmother
Is this a purely descriptive exercise? -
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Re: Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?Yes(Original post by dongonaeatu)
Would you read on -
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Re: Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?Yeah. You had me at kill them all(Original post by dongonaeatu)
no, i was trying to build up a background of the village. would you read on
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Re: Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?(Original post by M4LLY)
Yes
what would you rate the story so far and what do you think will happen -
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Re: Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?Nicely written. I enjoyed how you set the scene and the use of the long and short sentence structure.
However I think the flow is really clunky at times and the similie at the end feels forced. To make it better, I think you should tweak it here and there and read it over a few times till you feel it flows seamlessly.
All in all though I would read on, just to see who the main character
(I'm thinking it's the name of the person you haven't mentioned) is and what will happen to him/her. ;DLast edited by HeavyTeddy; 09-06-2012 at 03:03. -
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Re: Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?aww thanks man! Yeah i probably do need to edit and make it flow better haha. Would you be interested in a horror? And what do you think is going to happen next(Original post by HeavyTeddy)
Nicely written. I enjoyed how you set the scene and the use of the long and short sentence structure.
However I think the flow is really clunky at times and the similie at the end feels forced. To make it better, I think you should tweak it here and there and read it over a few times till you feel it flows seamlessly.
All in all though I would read on, just to see who the main character is and what will happen to him/her. ;D -
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Re: Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?Yeah horror's are good and, I honestly have no clue.(Original post by dongonaeatu)
aww thanks man! Yeah i probably do need to edit and make it flow better haha. Would you be interested in a horror? And what do you think is going to happen next
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Re: Can you read my story introduction and tell me what you think?Tbh i don't have a clue(Original post by dongonaeatu)
what would you rate the story so far and what do you think will happen -
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Because I don't put up with racism or racists and, being a story (ie a work of fiction), I reckon it'd be a lot more difficult to learn anything objective from it.(Original post by dongonaeatu)
why not
That said, I did like your prose.
