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Don't know whats wrong with me.

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    21 year old male here. 1st year at university. Just split up with my gf of 1 year and a bit (My decision) :P

    The other day the girls in my flat sat me down and had a chat with me. They basically stated that they think that I think I'm less attractive then I think I am. They also stated that I am really nice and I never put on a "fake" act to pull girls.

    They are technically correct as I do not think I'm attractive and most of the time when I introduce myself to a girl in my head I'm just thinking "She does not want to talk to you...stop" which sucks as I am an interesting person who does interesting things (Festivals, cooking, travelling, etc) but when I try to talk to girls I just get "Mind" block and can't think of anything to say.

    From my past I think my low-confidence comes from the fact that at school/half of college I weighed 18 stone. I now weigh 12 and a half stone and I'm happy with it. I also work out (altho not much in 1st year did loads everyday b4 tho) so I do have showable muscles and such. However when I'm out I can never get rid of a "I look weird" sense of feeling.

    Basically due to this and especially since the breakup I've found it almost impossible to approach people in nightclubs which is annoying because after the initial/awkward "hellos" I can talk the night away and keep people interested. At the moment this kind of thinking is making me quite miserable. To the point where I had to leave the club early last night as the alcohol wasn't hitting me and I just felt ****. Especially when I'm out clubbing and I see guys who are the same size as I was back at school doing a better job then me of talking to girls and such.
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    waiittt...i'm confused, should the second line say they think you are more attractive than you think you are??
    I'm also a very insecure person and can see quite a few similarities even though i'm female and younger than you. I too can never stop worrying about looking weird on a night out, not in a vain way, in an overly self conscious way...I'moverweight (not a huge amount but a noticable amount) and my friends are all gorgeous so when we're out and a guy talks to me i just put it down to alcohol.
    BUT (without sounding like a hypocrite) you can make it work, your friends have already noticed that you aren't fake which is a good thing cos us girls can tell when a guy isn't being genuine and it makes them so much more unattractive. You need to pick up on all the little things that you know are positives about yourself and work from there, what I try and do is act confident and eventually you might believe it a bit more and genuinely feel more confident. Around my friends I can be pretty crazy and come across like 'i don't care how people perceive me' and with some aspects of my life that is true but at the same time I am hyperaware of stupid things like how I am sitting so i'm still working on it.
    You've already accepted that you are an interesting person and that's a great start, rather than just trying to pull random girls on nights out maybe you'd fee more comfortable getting to know a girl whilst doing one of your hobbies via a uni society or something?? hopefully you wont be faced by the mind block because you'll already have that thing in common to discuss.
    Lastly (cos i'm probably boring you now), remember that you have already been loved for the person that you are and that can and will happen again...don't force things, everything happens for a reason and maybe it's just time for you to come to terms with who you are now before you can expect someone else to accept you again...that's what i'm having to do too
    good luck, hope i've helped at least a little bit
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    (Original post by stephie.u3)
    waiittt...i'm confused, should the second line say they think you are more attractive than you think you are??
    I'm also a very insecure person and can see quite a few similarities even though i'm female and younger than you. I too can never stop worrying about looking weird on a night out, not in a vain way, in an overly self conscious way...I'moverweight (not a huge amount but a noticable amount) and my friends are all gorgeous so when we're out and a guy talks to me i just put it down to alcohol.
    BUT (without sounding like a hypocrite) you can make it work, your friends have already noticed that you aren't fake which is a good thing cos us girls can tell when a guy isn't being genuine and it makes them so much more unattractive. You need to pick up on all the little things that you know are positives about yourself and work from there, what I try and do is act confident and eventually you might believe it a bit more and genuinely feel more confident. Around my friends I can be pretty crazy and come across like 'i don't care how people perceive me' and with some aspects of my life that is true but at the same time I am hyperaware of stupid things like how I am sitting so i'm still working on it.
    You've already accepted that you are an interesting person and that's a great start, rather than just trying to pull random girls on nights out maybe you'd fee more comfortable getting to know a girl whilst doing one of your hobbies via a uni society or something?? hopefully you wont be faced by the mind block because you'll already have that thing in common to discuss.
    Lastly (cos i'm probably boring you now), remember that you have already been loved for the person that you are and that can and will happen again...don't force things, everything happens for a reason and maybe it's just time for you to come to terms with who you are now before you can expect someone else to accept you again...that's what i'm having to do too
    good luck, hope i've helped at least a little bit
    Thanks for the reply and yeah it was meant to say that lol :P Overall this isn't just a problem with girls but people. Its weird, sometimes I can sit with a huge group of people who I've never met before and be the life and soul of the party. Another time I will sit there and "panic" about how im sitting, if my hair is still looking good and such. Its horrible! Thanks again btw.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for the reply and yeah it was meant to say that lol :P Overall this isn't just a problem with girls but people. Its weird, sometimes I can sit with a huge group of people who I've never met before and be the life and soul of the party. Another time I will sit there and "panic" about how im sitting, if my hair is still looking good and such. Its horrible! Thanks again btw.
    honest to god know exactly what you mean, it's so hard to explain to people who have never experienced it!! but i have 'studied' (??) myself for hours so i have a very good idea of stupid things about myself that tbh i bet nobody else notices, it's ridiculous but its not something you will snap out of overnight...it might never go away but i think we just have to control it rather than letting it control us and holding us back... no worries, you'll be fine
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    Literally exactly the same situation mate. I was big in secondary school (18 stone too lol), lost a load of weight, got a gf of four years, split up before I started uni, didn't know how to be 'single' and what to do with this new found attention from girls etc. I think I'm probably a bit more confident than you and not so self conscious anymore, but I can relate to the club situation you talk about. I still don't go up to girls that I think are hot and chat them up, I have no idea why because I'm pretty good at holding a conversation and once I get going I don't have any problems. I guess I still feel they wouldn't be interested after years of reinforcement when I was younger lol.

    Luckily I tend to get approached so that solves the problems sometimes, but its not always by girls I'm particularly interested in. I suppose you just have to man up really and get on with it. I'm getting better, but atm I just really cant be ****ed making any effort with girls!

    Edit: At the end of the day (and its easier said than done, I'm a hypocrite), the worst its going to be is a no right? Yeah it's a little bit of a dent to the ego, but Brad Pitt would get a no too every now and then. If you can tease girls then just do that, and if you can dance then its probably better to get rid of the whole convrsation and get busy on the dancefloor.

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