I have been suffering from anxiety and depression for most of my conscious life. Since starting university last year, they have become gradually more and more severe.
I am studying at a top 10 university and I have just finished my first year, somehow pulling off a high 2.1. However, I have absolutely no motivation to study or accomplish anything and instead resign to wasting away in my room. Even basic everyday tasks are a struggle - I constantly oversleep and have difficulties getting out of bed, cooking or even keeping my room tidy. Last week I almost missed one of my exams at 2pm because I was feeling physically unable to leave my bed. Nothing really matters to me and even though I feel horrible about essentially wasting the effort and money that my family put into my education, I just can't seem to force myself to go out and get anything done. I'm feeling completely worthless, empty and have trouble functioning. I've been more or less apathetic for as long as I can remember, but the older I get, the worse it seems to become. I dread graduation in two years and I don't believe that I'm capable of transitioning into the working life; I doubt I could even hold down a simple shelf-stacking job.
I crave relationships, both romantic and platonic, but have no willpower to actively seek them out. As a result of social anxiety and general apathy, I haven't made too many friends at university and I can't see myself ever being proactive about it. I fully realise that confining myself in my room won't get me anywhere but I seem unable and unwilling to change that. I'm also extremely passive in the few friendships that I have established here, always relying on the other person to initiate contact. I can't imagine myself actually inviting someone out, the entire concept just seems wholly alien to me. As for romantic relationships, I've had feelings for my coursemate for over six months but I never made any effort to convey my feelings to her. She has started seeing someone a few months ago and ever since then regret has been tearing me apart. I can't seem to get her and what could have been out of my head, which has been further contributing to my feelings of low mood and hopelessness. I recognise that this obsession is most likely just a manifestation of my emptiness, an attempt by my mind to put some purpose into my life but I still can't seem to let it go.
I have spoken to my GP about these problems and she put me on antidepressants straight away. Over 6 months I've tried Escitalopram, Mirtazapine and I'm currently on my 4th week of Venlafaxine (Effexor), but none of them have made any positive or negative impact on my state of mind. I've also had 6 hours of counselling spread over 6 weeks, but that did not seem to help either.
Should I ask my GP for a referral to a psychiatrist? I'm not sure if that's worth trying but it's evident that the current treatment is not yielding any results.
Maybe you should start small. Like taking the herbal tablet st johns wart once per day, it can really work for some people.
I know it would be really hard to exercise with depression as you are just completely drained all the time but exercise increased serotonin levels and is the natural equivalent of taking anti-depressants.
Make sure you always have someone to talk to, doesn't have to be a doctor, can be a family relative. Just so youre not keeping everything in. Don't let it ruin your life, many people can eventually get to a state where they can control their depression, every accomplishment starts with the decision to try
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