(Original post by Anonymous)
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
I wish I could tell you all of this but I've put myself in a position now and I can't get out of it.
You've been my boyfriend for 15 months now, you lost your virginity to me, you say you love me. But you've broken up with me, twice, over the course of our relationship. Both times you said "it didn't feel right" and that I'd be happier without you and I never really believed this was the real reason. I tell you all the time how much I like you and love you, so you know I wouldn't be happier without you.
& both times, you turned around the next day and said you'd been too rash and hasty and you're terrible with your emotions and you haven't got a clue what you feel most of the time, but the one thing you do know is that you love me and that I'm yours and you shouldn't have tried to end it.
The second time happened on Saturday and although we've sorted it out and officially, we're together and happy, I'm miserable. Pretending everything is fine when it really isn't is killing me. I want to ask you why you did this, why you decided you didn't want to be with me and then changed your mind. You've dented my trust and my confidence. I don't want to lose you, I don't want to break up but I feel like I have to be 'perfect' now. I have to do everything you say or you'll break up with me again. You get to call the shots; you decide when we see each other and if I don't like it then it's over. I can't even bring this up with you because I'm scared you'll decide it's not working out because I feel like this, and then it will be over and I'll be humiliated all over again.
You were so different when we first met, you made so much effort to see me and spend time with me. Was it because you wanted to lose your virginity? Did you hate being the only one in your group of friends that hadn't had sex so you got with me and now that's out the way, you don't want a relationship or a girlfriend anymore?
Basically, I hate feeling like I have no security or control in this relationship, you've got me over a barrel and you can do whatever you want and I have to put up with it. Because I love you and even though I've started thinking maybe I'd be better off without you and better off not living like this, I wouldn't leave you.
I'm just so confused and hurt and broken and you're the one person I usually turn to and this time, I can't.