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How do I overcome regrets about my past?

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    (Original post by OnceAgain)
    Backstory: I'm a 20 year old guy. Never kissed a girl. Virgin. etc. I didn't give a **** about my appearance during my teens. I didn't really care about women either. I just did whatever I enjoyed at the time and never really gave anything a second thought. I 'dated' one chick for a week or something at 15. Didn't really like her but felt obliged to ask her out since she was into me. Joke of a relationship.

    Fast forward 4 years and I start to realize what I've been missing out on. I fix up my appearance. This took A LOT of work. Quit smoking after 5 years of moderate use. Hardest **** I've done in my life. Packed on 20kg of muscle. Cleared most acne. Acquired dress sense. etc. All in the space of a year. I develop my personality as best as I possibly can in a ****ty situation. Without being arrogant I'm generally a pretty attractive person now.

    But it's in vain in my view. I can't help but feel how royally I've ****ed my life up already. I've missed the train on the virginity thing (still have v-card, but not for lack of opportunity recently). I'm forever behind everyone else in experience. I'm not as adept at relationships and dating as I should be. ****. This. I either have to go crazy and **** everything in sight to catch up (I'm still missing the relationship side then), or I have to accept that I'm forever inferior.

    Please respond. This **** eats me up every day of my life.

    Sorry for swearing...the frustration is strong today
    Get a grip son, you're only 20.
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    (Original post by Turkishee)
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    Lol. I got into drinking and partying way before most kids. And got bored of it around 18-19, just as everyone else was getting interested in it. Drunk girls are often annoying
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    (Original post by OnceAgain)
    As for finding the right places - lord do I try. But the answers are always: somewhere very far from here. It's always hindered my social life and this is no different.
    Yeah it's hard but try and go to those places. No one said this was easy.
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    (Original post by Lucia.)
    Yeah it's hard but try and go to those places. No one said this was easy.
    No one said anything lol. I try - the results are often bad. Older generations/99% guys. I don't even have particularly obscure/masculine interests either heh
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    Honestly, you need to come to this with more positivity and improve your attitude to the situation. If you have a defeatist attitude, it isn't attractive to women. No one finds it easy with dating. It's hard.

    Try and downplay a bit how important this is to you. Make sure other areas of your life are fulfilling. Too often people end up in relationships because they haven't properly dealt with being alone.
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    (Original post by Lucia.)
    Honestly, you need to come to this with more positivity and improve your attitude to the situation. If you have a defeatist attitude, it isn't attractive to women. No one finds it easy with dating. It's hard.

    Try and downplay a bit how important this is to you. Make sure other areas of your life are fulfilling. Too often people end up in relationships because they haven't properly dealt with being alone.
    The problem with that is I've been in the 'fulfilled' life for...well..most of my life. Hence why I didn't give a **** when I was younger. I figured "things will happen when they happen" and was happy with that. Well, look where it got me.

    I don't know how to downplay the issue because I'm also a massive perfectionist (you can see that). I shouldn't be ****ing up like this. I have NO idea how to change that. Everyone has advice on how to set more ambitious goals for yourself, but no one has anything to say on how to do the opposite - accept imperfection. "Just love yourself!", "you're only human". Great. That doesn't change my mindset. That doesn't stop relentless self criticism. Just creates an excuse not to.

    Point in case I managed to convince myself my unconditional offer was a fluke and I cheated my way out of smoking. lol. My dominant mindset always edges to pointing out flaws rather than accepting a win.
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    (Original post by OnceAgain)
    The problem with that is I've been in the 'fulfilled' life for...well..most of my life. Hence why I didn't give a **** when I was younger. I figured "things will happen when they happen" and was happy with that. Well, look where it got me.
    I agree. That advice that "things will happen when they happen" is a bit crappy. It makes you want to settle without realising the reality - that dating takes time and effort. Well you know what to do now. It's only a matter of finding opportunities. Just take it as it comes. Honestly, don't think about the future. Think about meeting women, flirt with them and see where that goes.

    (Original post by OnceAgain)
    I don't know how to downplay the issue because I'm also a massive perfectionist (you can see that). I shouldn't be ****ing up like this. I have NO idea how to change that. Everyone has advice on how to set more ambitious goals for yourself, but no one has anything to say on how to do the opposite - accept imperfection. "Just love yourself!", "you're only human". Great. That doesn't change my mindset. That doesn't stop relentless self criticism. Just creates an excuse not to.
    I know what you mean. I'm a perfectionist too and I've come out with the same thing. It's just about balancing that dose of self-criticism with some self-acceptance. You can do that by acknowledging that you can't control every outcome but you can control what you do. That way you can perfect yourself and your game as much as you want. But you still have to leave some stuff up to fate, accident or subjectivity.

    (Original post by OnceAgain)
    My dominant mindset always edges to pointing out flaws rather than accepting a win.
    Sounds hot haha. No seriously, it's good when you get people who are interested in improving themselves. That is very attractive. So keep that mindset but as I said, realise that you can control some outcomes, but not others. I mean take account of the fact that people each have their own subjective realities through which they're going to evaluate you. It doesn't necessarily mean you are doing wrong if someone rejects you.
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    (Original post by Lucia.)
    Sounds hot haha. No seriously, it's good when you get people who are interested in improving themselves. That is very attractive. So keep that mindset but as I said, realise that you can control some outcomes, but not others. I mean take account of the fact that people each have their own subjective realities through which they're going to evaluate you. It doesn't necessarily mean you are doing wrong if someone rejects you.
    Haha, I meant more that it's the usual way I look at things. But I suppose the double meaning applies too.

    No seriously, it's good when you get people who are interested in improving themselves. That is very attractive.
    That's the most refreshing statement I've heard in quite a while. I swear all I see on a daily basis is the exact opposite.

    So keep that mindset but as I said, realise that you can control some outcomes, but not others. I mean take account of the fact that people each have their own subjective realities through which they're going to evaluate you. It doesn't necessarily mean you are doing wrong if someone rejects you.
    That's true, but there will always be an 'ideal' range for most things in life. The things people are most attracted to. That 6-6'3 height for guys. The most attractive physique. etc. No, it doesn't mean EVERYONE is attracted to it. Just it's the most popular option. And by aiming to hit that ideal range, you give yourself the most opportunities in life.
    I can control this issue, sure. But for the life of me I can't see how in this situation. I know the motions, but the odds feel monumentally stacked against me despite everything. It feels like tunnelling through to Australia using a sand castle spade. Maybe there will eventually be light at the end of the tunnel, but whilst you're digging it's hell.
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    (Original post by OnceAgain)
    It feels like tunnelling through to Australia using a sand castle spade. Maybe there will eventually be light at the end of the tunnel, but whilst you're digging it's hell.
    It feels like that for me too. It feels like you're doing it wrong until you're successful so just keep plugging away. I'd say don't look for it but keep your eyes open and have a social life where you'll get to meet new people.
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    You need to get rid of the negative mindset... it's holding you back. go out and just enjoy life and don't feel like you have to prove yourself. Chill out, your only 20!
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    (Original post by OnceAgain)
    Backstory: I'm a 20 year old guy. Never kissed a girl. Virgin. etc. I didn't give a **** about my appearance during my teens. I didn't really care about women either. I just did whatever I enjoyed at the time and never really gave anything a second thought. I 'dated' one chick for a week or something at 15. Didn't really like her but felt obliged to ask her out since she was into me. Joke of a relationship.

    Fast forward 4 years and I start to realize what I've been missing out on. I fix up my appearance. This took A LOT of work. Quit smoking after 5 years of moderate use. Hardest **** I've done in my life. Packed on 20kg of muscle. Cleared most acne. Acquired dress sense. etc. All in the space of a year. I develop my personality as best as I possibly can in a ****ty situation. Without being arrogant I'm generally a pretty attractive person now.

    But it's in vain in my view. I can't help but feel how royally I've ****ed my life up already. I've missed the train on the virginity thing (still have v-card, but not for lack of opportunity recently). I'm forever behind everyone else in experience. I'm not as adept at relationships and dating as I should be. ****. This. I either have to go crazy and **** everything in sight to catch up (I'm still missing the relationship side then), or I have to accept that I'm forever inferior.

    Please respond. This **** eats me up every day of my life.

    Sorry for swearing...the frustration is strong today
    You draw a line under everything that has happened in the past because you cannot change it.

    It also sounds like although you've changed alot physically, you need to internally change and start to appreciate yourself more, and stop letting the past control you.


    So, start to love yourself abit more for who you are and what you have to give to others, and forget the past. It's the past and there is nothing we can do about it.

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