[HurricaneUpper]

Hi there guys/girls of TSR, this is my first post here and I have a lot to get off my chest - so please bear with me if it reads rather poorly.

I'll start off by saying that I'm currently depressed, unconfident, introverted and a loser by society's standards. I probably also have what must be all kinds of mental health issues, including pretty bad anxiety with regards to pretty much anything and possibly some degree of ADD/ADHD.

Oh yeah, I'm not sure if this should be on the "mental health" or "graduate in crisis"/"careers" forums - since my tale includes both issues.

Anyway, here goes:

I graduated from uni with a first w/hons in computer science last year (very lackluster A-Levels and solid GCSEs as backup), and have since been unemployed. This is partly due to having a break from education/work as well as having a hard time with job searching. On top of that, I've also been suffering from depression since just before my M&S incident (mentioned later) and being unsure what on earth that I want to (viably) do with my life/for a living. And no, I didn't particularly enjoy anything during my degree - things were pretty "meh" at best. I actually almost quit/changed course, but I figured that I'd stick with the friends that I had made - plus it sounded more impressive than the other degrees that I could think of (both are pretty terrible reasons).

On top of my general down-ness (which for the record is almost 100% due to job-related pressures), whenever I've been offered an interview or job (twice), my anxiety skyrockets to the point where I talk myself out of the job prospect and end up feeling like I've ruined my life and that it will be hell if I accept it - even if it's a short-term thing. Ever heard of somebody that quit Marks & Spencers after 1 day of training? You have now.

I just can't hack the idea of doing 9-5 (or more!), ESPECIALLY if it involves something that I don't have an interest/passion in - it makes me depressed to the point of feeling sick. I also get tired/drained easily (probably partly due to my sedentary lifestyle) and I find it hard to stay focused on things that don't inspire or entertain me so that's probably an ADHD/ADD issue too. I also get bored of conversations/topics that don't interest me to the point that I'll just zone-out sometimes, which is a reason why I'm not a fan of "going to the pub" - not to mention I don't really like drinking.

Sadly, pretty much the only thing I've ever really cared about for a sustained amount of time is videogames. Not the creation of them - I mean playing them and talking about them with their respective communities, and sometimes even reviewing them on my new-ish blog or writing articles for a couple of smaller sites. Unfortunately, pretty much any job related to games is both saturated beyond belief and/or a horrible grind from what I've read/heard.

My lifestyle has also lead to me slowly losing RL friends due to my sheer disinterest in most of the activities they partake in (drinking, pub all the time, etc) as well as the company that they sometimes hang around with. So yeah, getting kinda lonely when I'm not distracted by online friend/forum conversations.

So yeah, my options are pretty damned cut down and I really have zero desire to do things that I'm uninterested in. In fact, it's worse than having no desire - I actively hate the notion.

As you may have guessed by my situation and my views on work, I have a family that has afforded my keep and pretty much provided anything that I've ever wanted/needed (within reason), meaning that I've never applied for JSA. However, their patience is finally running out, and fast. Plus I'm dragging my mum down emotionally and making her upset/angry, which is horrible because I love her to bits and she's the only one that tries to truly comfort me.

So, any ideas on how I should continue? I don't know how/if doctor-related stuff could help me, given that I know my current depression trigger. However I've always had anxiety (and potentially ADD/ADHD) issues, just never to the magnitude of when I'm in these spirals. I'm also scared of some of these medicine-related side effects. Oh, I'm also anxious about seeing the doctors and what it could (or could not) result in.

Anybody have similar issues/thoughts/problems, anybody have a diagnosis (and a plan to overcome this without suffering)?


P.S. I have an upcoming interview on Friday for an unpaid games design internship for a small-time company that makes those lame (and from what I can tell, not so popular) facebook games, and yes - I've re-entered massively-depressed wreck-mode and already lost any drive to go through with it (hence this post). This kills me as my family were so happy for me when I was offered an interview.

P.P.S. Having a girlfriend would probably make life a lot better, but I've yet to find a girl that I like (that liked me in return). Granted I haven't tried very hard, since I just presumed that the kinda girls I'd like would be on gaming/anime forums etc. (I dunno why I even bothered to bring this up)

[HurricaneUpper]

^
Oh, I think this draft left out the fact that I've been crying a lot. (As I did around the time of my M&S incident)

I forgot that it's also the environment, the formalities, the rules and regulations and the legalese that scare me as well.

Also, I really hate the fact that you're left with barely any free time on each work night.

[The_Epsilon]

Obviously, I'm no expert in the slightest, but even just from the point of view from a fellow human being, I think you should go see a doctor. I can appreciate that you're anxious about that idea, but really no bad can come of it. Worst case scenario, they give you advice - and that would be advice from someone who actually knows what they're talking about.

I'm afraid I can't offer any advice on your aversion to employment. All I can really say is, these things end up being better than you imagine them to be, so you should try your very best to really give it a go.

Finally, I really hope you do decide to go through with the internship. Any experience is good, and though you might not be interested in the games that are being made, you might meet new people who share your interests.

However, my advice lacks any real experience of what you're going through right now. You should really consider going to see a professional for advice or help.

Remember, change doesn't happen unless you make it happen.

[HurricaneUpper]

(Original post by The_Epsilon)
Obviously, I'm no expert in the slightest, but even just from the point of view from a fellow human being, I think you should go see a doctor. I can appreciate that you're anxious about that idea, but really no bad can come of it. Worst case scenario, they give you advice - and that would be advice from someone who actually knows what they're talking about.

I'm afraid I can't offer any advice on your aversion to employment. All I can really say is, these things end up being better than you imagine them to be, so you should try your very best to really give it a go.


Remember, change doesn't happen unless you make it happen.

1. If this persists when I get the internship (if I do), I will probably give in to my anxiety and see my doctor. Heck, if I don't get it - I'll probably end up seeing them anyway so that I'm "covered" for "next time".

2. I don't know, everything about how I think, feel, act and live right now completely goes against the early-rise, late-home lifestyle that comes with a job.

3. To a degree I think that you're right. However on the front of trying to find something that I may have an interest in, it is kind of a dud as it's basically the same as looking for something that you don't know the appearance of. Plus right now I just lack the energy, my situation is a huge mental drain - which extends onto my physical being. It basically becomes this lame circle of no change, with the only hope being that something randomly occurs or fixes itself.

Bleh.

Thanks for the input though, I'll bear it in mind.

[SeanWilliams92]

I agree, I think you should see a doctor and see what he/she recommends, if it is counselling or anti-depressants, so be it, as long as it helps you to feel yourself again... And once you've sorted that out you can start to sort out your future, good luck

[HurricaneUpper]

Thanks for the response.

I should probably point out that I wasn't actually depressed until just before that first M&S incident.

Sure, I was down due to the pressures and lack of interest in things are somewhat easy to find jobs in, but not as depressed as I was from then onwards until a week or so later. I actually broke down in front of a friend of mine during that time.

Sadly, that feeling has been re-ignited since last night though because of this new incident.

I almost wanna just drop this upcoming interview so that I can see what the doctors can do without the stress of potential work.However lord knows that's probably a bad idea.

[mc1000]

(Original post by HurricaneUpper)
Ever heard of somebody that quit Marks & Spencers after 1 day of training? You have now.

To be fair, I don't blame you. Never been so bored in my life.

[Toaster Leavings]

Well, it seems that you have had a comfortable upbringing and were never made aware of the value of money and how one must work for it.

No one enjoys work. Fair enough there are a minority who love their job but they would probably love whatever doing their passion/hobby is 24/7 even more. The majority of people find their job a chore at best and a living hell at worst.

The vast majority of people enjoy receiving and spending money though and that is why you have to work. You could spend a life on benefits as a scrounger, I suppose, but since you are an anxious/depressive type who has had a privileged background you will feel a total failure if you chose that option.

You should try and put things into perspective by considering the horrendous working conditions of industrial Britain and the pretty bad conditions that still exist for quite a lot of people.

Also, a 9-6 job leaves you with a fair amount of time. Most jobs consume a hell of a lot more than that so don't feel hard done by. I work 60+ hours some weeks.

Working life is pretty damn crap for the vast majority of people. However, you aren't anything special, sorry to say it, so you will have to suck it up and do it like everyone else. At least you have managed to get a degree and have a shot at earning a reasonable amount of money at some point. You can't expect this immediately though, you seem to want something for nothing.

I think your parents have done a pretty crap job of preparing you for the real world though so I think its a bit rich of them to suddenly get angry at you now. Still, as you say, you have always had anxiety problems on top of being sheltered so a trip to the GP might help improve your outlook as well as stepping back and gaining some perspective.

I do sympathise as no one wants to work much but it is better than the social stigma of being on benefits and feeling a failure and not moving on with your life. Unless you have some great idea for a business or extra special skills you will just have to suck it up like everyone else as you're not special enough to avoid it.

[Toaster Leavings]

OP, in case the post above sounds a bit preachy I should mention I also have depression and anxiety problems, which I have had for about 10 years though I was even anxious as a little kid. I'm 26 now. I find that anti-depressants (Prozac is the best for me) do help, particularly with feelings of hopelessness. I have never found anything to stop the anxiety but I am used to it now so it doesn't seem as bad. I know that I can work and function in spite of what I am feeling so it tends to not hold me back quite like it used to.

They are hard illnesses to live with but if you seek treatment and continue to act and progress your life in spite of them you can have a normal, functional existence. The first thing is to truly accept you have mental illnesses and commit to treatment, if something doesn't work then go to your doctor again and be persistent. I've never had any major problems with side effects from anti-depressants so don't assume every bad review you see on the Internet is accurate.

[HurricaneUpper]

Thanks for the replies. I can't believe that some people can hack working for so long, let alone in something that they don't care for. I also realise that I'm not special or anything like that, but I just can't help how I feel and what this is doing to me.

Also, my folks have tried in the past to get me into work and limit what they bought me - but it just didn't work. I just didn't want to think about it. I know they may seem like failures to you, but I think they're wonderful and that I'm the only problem. That said, I can't say that I'm handling them being angry/upset too well...

Anyway, I'm currently feeling sick due to this, which is paralyzing me to the point of just laying in bed. With only a couple of days to go until my interview, I'm seriously questioning if I can go through with it. I don't even have the energy/motivation to go to the doctors right now. I just feel like laying here, being sick (not happened yet) and crying.

Edit: I'm also not eating properly, which is not helping.

[tamimi]

I sympathise, but life doesn't.

I'm afraid OP you're going to have to work out a way to become in-terms with your current issues. As I don't believe they will shield you forever. You will not receive special treatment. You'll just have to learn to conquer the things that pull you down.

Worry not about employment, just keep applying and until you get a paying job, there be no harm in doing unpaid work - I don't understand why it depresses you. Everyone had to start somewhere, if anything, it will give you experience and keep your mind and hands busy.

Things could be much worse, believe me.

As for partners, they come along at the right time, I wouldn't worry about that. Life has a way of sorting it out.

Best of luck on your endeavours

[concubine]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-18518286

[HurricaneUpper]

Thank you for sympathizing.

I'm scared of pretty much every aspect tied to work:

The commitments, having to wake up early and go to bed early, the sheer work-hours, the environment, the pressure, the boredom, the tiredness/drain, anxiety about being with new people, the lack of monetary motivation (I don't really have it anyway, but it's even worse when I don't get any at all), seeing way less of my awake hours as spare time, having to do it 5 days straight and then get 2 days off and then repeat. It wouldn't be half as bad if we got Wednesday off for example.

The "it could be worse" thing doesn't ever work on me. It makes me feel more worthless and I get depressed thinking about the sacrifices/hard work that other people make/do on a daily basis.

I want to say "I'll try to change" or whatever, but I don't have an ounce of happiness or motivation to spark me. In fact I've lost all desire to do anything I usually like doing, like playing games, skyping it up with online friends, watching anime etc.

I hoped that I wouldn't ever hit this low again. After the last time...I didn't even think that it was possible for me to feel so low again.

[HurricaneUpper]

Apparently I might have something called Ergophobia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ergophobia
http://www.allaboutcounseling.com/library/ergophobia/

Although it's probably more than/not just that.

Sorry for the double-post by the way...

[Toaster Leavings]

(Original post by HurricaneUpper)
Thank you for sympathizing.

I'm scared of pretty much every aspect tied to work:

The commitments, having to wake up early and go to bed early, the sheer work-hours, the environment, the pressure, the boredom, the tiredness/drain, anxiety about being with new people, the lack of monetary motivation (I don't really have it anyway, but it's even worse when I don't get any at all), seeing way less of my awake hours as spare time, having to do it 5 days straight and then get 2 days off and then repeat. It wouldn't be half as bad if we got Wednesday off for example.

The "it could be worse" thing doesn't ever work on me. It makes me feel more worthless and I get depressed thinking about the sacrifices/hard work that other people make/do on a daily basis.

I want to say "I'll try to change" or whatever, but I don't have an ounce of happiness or motivation to spark me. In fact I've lost all desire to do anything I usually like doing, like playing games, skyping it up with online friends, watching anime etc.

I hoped that I wouldn't ever hit this low again. After the last time...I didn't even think that it was possible for me to feel so low again.

As someone who suffers from anxiety/depression I do understand how you feel, particularly the lack of desire part. I was even hospitalised at one point so my mental health issues are not small. However, as I am also 4 years older than you I do think I am in a good position to offer some advice.

I have thought back to when I first started full-time office work as opposed to practical work which I did during my studies (waitressing, potwashing etc). I do remember getting very bad social anxiety and I constantly worried about being fired, even though I was only doing admin work. After a while I relaxed and got on with everyone and they were very sad when I quit and took up my Masters.

I then got a 'proper' job in my relevant industry (ecology) where I was doing site visits, writing reports, meeting with clients, explaining results to them and legal issues. I was not great when I first started but I improved very quickly and gained so much experience. I now work freelance by choice (perhaps something to think about for you in the long run as I find having a boss, unless they are awesome, difficult for my anxiety issues) but it took me a while to get the skills to be able to do that.

My message to you is basically to put some faith in the fact that humans are very adaptable, even the depressed, anxious ones. It won't be as hard as your brain (which just wants to keep you safe) is imagining if you simply try your best. With action and experience you will automatically gain confidence and it then makes it much easier to then move on to new jobs. Of course you cannot possibly know that this will happen at this stage you just have to use some faith that it will.

[HurricaneUpper]

Thanks for replying again, I appreciate the effort/care.

Well, as much as I want to just quit/flunk the interview...I probably am going to try to go through with everything and pray that I can adapt. I hope that I can just quit whenever I want if I don't like the job though (or feel ill due to my problems), considering it's unpaid and all.

Whilst I'm not 100% sure until I truly try (what I'm obviously frightened of doing), I think these posters explain/shadow exactly how I feel as well as detail the symptoms a little better:

http://www.depressionforums.org/foru...ve-ergophobia/

http://dianawithergophobia.blogspot.co.uk/

I forgot that I also had a panic attack (probably for the first time in my life) on the morning before the 2nd day of training at M&S. That was horrible.

[KillForOreos]

OP I'm the same as you, I've just finished my first year at Uni and I'm meant to be doing my hardest to look for a part-time job. I'm applying to a few jobs but I don't wanna work. I left my first job last March and I've not worked since, I had a fair few bad experiences and a lot of the staff members were horrible and manipulative. I've totally been put off Retail and it's horrible cos I want my own independent income but I'm just so put off.

I was suffering the same symptoms so I know what you're going through. It got to the point where I made myself ill because of it cos I was worrying and so anxious about going to work each day. I'd sometimes cry and I felt like I never had free-time cos I was always thinking about going to work even though... I only worked weekends. They found out I was on beta-blockers and let me go cos of that.

I wish I could understand it.

[HurricaneUpper]

(Original post by whitestgirlalive)

I was suffering the same symptoms so I know what you're going through. It got to the point where I made myself ill because of it cos I was worrying and so anxious about going to work each day. I'd sometimes cry and I felt like I never had free-time cos I was always thinking about going to work even though... I only worked weekends. They found out I was on beta-blockers and let me go cos of that.

I wish I could understand it.

Ah yes, the other thing that I forgot to mention myself during my previous issue:

Any free time I had was basically completely taken over by those worrying thoughts. The only freedom I had was sleep. These problems have already manifested for this new incident as I've been unable to enjoy a single spare moment since my interview confirmation.

I hope that we can somehow get over this as society knows little mercy. If I get over this and I understand why, I'll let you know how.

Thanks for the reply, and as horrible as it is for us, it's nice to see that we're not alone in these thoughts. Oh yeah, considering that I didn't even make it to the 2nd training day at M&S/retail - congrats for sticking it out for longer whilst feeling this way.

[KillForOreos]

We will one day. It makes me really sad because I've been looking at Runner - Media Jobs for when I graduate, and that's not for another 3 yrs so I am being pro-active and I've always been ambitious but when it comes to part-time jobs for now until then, it makes me feel sick, sod... evening handing out CVS, my Mum has to force me to do it and get out of the house.

It's horrible cos my parents think I don't care at all, I do, it's just this whole mess.

I hope things get better for you soon.

[HurricaneUpper]

It's good that you have an idea of what you wanna aim for with 3 years to spare. I'm out of university and still don't have any idea of what I (currently and viably) want to do in mind.

Yeah, my folks and older bro don't seem to understand entirely how I feel and what this is doing to me as well - so they just pine it off as laziness or obsessions these days.

Anyway thanks, you too.