[KillForOreos]

It is, I'm always (mostly) pro-active and I know what I want 99% of the time.
I did a good thing literally half an hour ago though. I received an email back from the local hospital radio station as I'd sent them one asking if they had any volunteer roles/jobs and they replied. I rang the manager on his mobile and he told me there's always lots of places so I should be in a good chance.

Yeah, it's horrible cos it isn't laziness! Have you explained to your parents/brother, well, do you actually need too? It's better they know though, I try and tell my Mum everything, it does help, and she mostly always understands my problems. But my Step-Dad I think, always has the impression that I'm just making things up for sympathy or to get out of it.

[alice4thamoon]

Go to a doc and ask for counselling and amitryptiline, an anti anxiety drug without the full blown side effects of antidepressants. This will give you the ability and ease your symptoms enabling you to sort your life out. All the symptoms you have are classic signs of anxiety and depression, not all the ADHD things you think you have.

The post graduating thing is such a downer, I went through everything you have gone through but saw a doctor before it got to your level. Now life is improving for me bit by bit and I'm feeling able to work towards my goals.

[HurricaneUpper]

Thanks for the responses.

I've tried explaining/educating my family and keep prompting them to read up on it themselves, but I don't think they have.

They were supportive for a while, but it I have been a drain for a bit too long for them. My family (mostly my mum) are always there for me, so I felt the need to tell them about my issues very soon after they surfaced, there's no point in going it alone. Also, nice one on setting yourself up with some work experience.

Anyway, as for doctors/anxiety meds...I don't know. It sounds like a good idea, however I don't know when I'll be able to go through with it. Interview tomorrow...and I really have no energy/motivation to sort something out. I've noted down the medication name though.

As for ADD/ADHD (I can't remember the difference), I do believe that I have it to a degree. I get bored quickly and I zone out a lot. Maybe if I saw a list of symptoms it'd be easier to check/not check things off.

[Toaster Leavings]

(Original post by HurricaneUpper)
Thanks for the responses.

I've tried explaining/educating my family and keep prompting them to read up on it themselves, but I don't think they have.

They were supportive for a while, but it I have been a drain for a bit too long for them. My family (mostly my mum) are always there for me, so I felt the need to tell them about my issues very soon after they surfaced, there's no point in going it alone. Also, nice one on setting yourself up with some work experience.

Anyway, as for doctors/anxiety meds...I don't know. It sounds like a good idea, however I don't know when I'll be able to go through with it. Interview tomorrow...and I really have no energy/motivation to sort something out. I've got noted down the medication name though.

As for ADD/ADHD (I can't remember the difference), I do believe that I have it to a degree. I get bored quickly and I zone out a lot. Maybe if I saw a list of symptoms it'd be easier to check/not check things off.

I think you should go for the interview for the unpaid placement as that is relevant to your degree. However, if that doesn't work out or you don't get the placement you could try going for something that was very low pressured and low responsibility at first such as a cleaning job. Then you can build up your confidence and apply for better jobs.

Just an idea.

[HurricaneUpper]

(Original post by Toaster Leavings)
I think you should go for the interview for the unpaid placement as that is relevant to your degree. However, if that doesn't work out or you don't get the placement you could try going for something that was very low pressured and low responsibility at first such as a cleaning job. Then you can build up your confidence and apply for better jobs.

Just an idea.

That kind of job opens up a whole new bunch of things that my anxiety hates (or things that I should probably hate as a regular guy that has gone through university, even).

Unless I have another panic attack or something similar, I'll be going to the interview tomorrow.

I've spent the last few days in bed whilst feeling queasy, depressed, crying, not eating much and posting here/elsewhere whilst reading up on people with similar issues, so I don't know how well that I'll be able to perform.

[Toaster Leavings]

(Original post by HurricaneUpper)
That kind of job opens up a whole new bunch of things that my anxiety hates

Such as?

Anyway I recommend you get up and change your stimuli immediately. Go for a walk. Listen to some uplifting music. Try and talk to your family about how their day has been. If you act normally you are more likely to feel a bit more normal.

You completed your degree and you are going to attend the interview tomorrow so you do have some willpower even if you feel like a mess. You'll be ok.

[HurricaneUpper]

I don't really want to answer that and risk putting down people that do those kinds of jobs, but it's just not the kinda thing a graduate like myself would want to do for various reasons - and that's without my anxiety kicking in.

Considering you have a good idea of how I feel, I just can't bring myself to go through with any of those suggestions at the moment. It's a vicious cycle.

If I fail the interview tomorrow (and heck, even if I pass and can't handle the job) - I'll probably go to my doctors as well as my university careers person to see what's possible for somebody like me.

Thanks for believing in me though, I just don't know what I want anymore. Depression is clouding my thoughts and anxiety is kicking my ass something fierce.

[HurricaneUpper]

Hello, I just got back from my interview.

It didn't go very well (I was a mess that couldn't hide my true feelings about things), but since they're a young and small business - it was extremely casual, so I don't think that it mattered too much. In fact I was even "interviewed" by the student intern that I'd be replacing.

The things that he said I'd be working on didn't inspire me at all and actually made me feel like I'd be extremely bored rather quickly and even feel emasculated. (Kids games are the things that I'd be predominantly working on, and on a platform as basic and limited as Facebook, I see very little joy to be had there)

If it was just a couple of hours here or there, I'd probably go through with it anyway - but (presumably) doing it 9-5+ 5 days a week? I don't think that I could cope. Similar in a way to every other job that I've looked at.

So yeah, I'm at a loss and I'll be hearing back from them by next Friday. At least that's some time to gather my thoughts some more, maybe seek medical help in this time - even if my crippling anxiety has somewhat left me for a day or so. (Which makes it hard to explain to people)

Given my ADD/ADHD side (I'll just say that it's very acute as I don't want to belittle those that have it more seriously), I'd probably even manage to get bored of/disinterested of things that I'm usually passionate about, such as writing/providing videogame-related content as well.

EDIT: Scratch everything, I'm a failure, I can't hack anything, I don't see me being able to do anything without being miserable. I've probably blown this opportunity too. I'm bawling my eyes out.

[Toaster Leavings]

(Original post by HurricaneUpper)
Hello, I just got back from my interview.

It didn't go very well (I was a mess that couldn't hide my true feelings about things), but since they're a young and small business - it was extremely casual, so I don't think that it mattered too much. In fact I was even "interviewed" by the student intern that I'd be replacing.

The things that he said I'd be working on didn't inspire me at all and actually made me feel like I'd be extremely bored rather quickly and even feel emasculated. (Kids games are the things that I'd be predominantly working on, and on a platform as basic and limited as Facebook, I see very little joy to be had there)

If it was just a couple of hours here or there, I'd probably go through with it anyway - but (presumably) doing it 9-5+ 5 days a week? I don't think that I could cope. Similar in a way to every other job that I've looked at.

So yeah, I'm at a loss and I'll be hearing back from them by next Friday. At least that's some time to gather my thoughts some more, maybe seek medical help in this time - even if my crippling anxiety has somewhat left me for a day or so. (Which makes it hard to explain to people)

Given my ADD/ADHD side (I'll just say that it's very acute as I don't want to belittle those that have it more seriously), I'd probably even manage to get bored of/disinterested of things that I'm usually passionate about, such as writing/providing videogame-related content as well.

EDIT: Scratch everything, I'm a failure, I can't hack anything, I don't see me being able to do anything without being miserable. I've probably blown this opportunity too. I'm bawling my eyes out.

To be fair I can understand your reluctance if you aren't getting paid. You looked down on cleaning work but at least then you'd be paid so arguably the internship is a lesser role.

However, perhaps you should start thinking a bit more long-term. No one walks into their dream job. Unless they do medicine or are extremely gifted or something. I think you should try the internship if they offer it to you because you never know where it will lead. You might start doing kids games and then a year or so later get something more interesting to you. Even if the interview went badly there is probably a good chance you will get the internship considering it is not paid. I think you should congratulate yourself for going to the interview as you were so set against it. That proves you do have some willpower.

To be frank you do sound a little bit spoilt right now though, I know you feel mentally ill but spoilt is how you come across in your post. If you haven't got people knocking down your door to hire you why do you deserve to have a dream working environment? Things like that take time and effort to cultivate. Life isn't a total cakewalk.

I do think you will benefit from medical help and perhaps CBT to get things into perspective. I do wish you all the best.

[HurricaneUpper]

Well, my interviewer told me about their upcoming projects and neither of those interested me. One was yet another kids game and one was a pop music game (something that doesn't appeal to me at all, either).

I'm sure I do come across as spoiled and that I am an embarrassment, and I probably am. However that doesn't make my issues/worries/concerns any less impacting on my person.

It'd make me feel miserable/rejected if I were to be declined (especially as I could have done better if I was of a better state of mind), but it would probably be the easiest outcome for me.

Then again, what the hell else do I have left?

I just can't get my head around life, I really can't.

[littlemissy2]

You should go to the interview, however hard it may be for you. As other members have said it's the experience that counts and obviously you'll have a better chance of being offered a job you really want if you have that on your CV rather than not. It's hard to see through all the problems you and everyone else gets bogged down with these days when it come to jobs, money, quality of life ext but it will not be like this forever.

It makes me laugh every time I hear what my friends say about when they graduated because they did their third years on a work placement, which was paid for by their universities so they could get a wage too. The companies they worked for then kept them on after they graduated so they literally walked into a job! All due respect to one of them but he got a 2.2 in business and data warehousing and if he had got that these days I doubt his CV would even get looked at let alone get an interview. You got a first in computer science which does sound 'impressive' haha! But I'm sure it indicates you have strengths in other subjects like maths and design which would be interesting to employers involved in other areas outside gaming. Also don't let yourself think bad because you didn't finish the training for M&S, I can't tell you how many times I've done that or changed my mind because the job or the company wasn't for me. If you had a panic attack you should have a word with your doctor and you may get sent for some counselling or another talking therapy which really helps. Above all, don't get angey/frustrated with yourself, no one's getting what they wanted or expected out of life at the moment, especially when it comes to work. It won't stay like this forever though and you'll get the sort of reward you want and deserve.

[HurricaneUpper]

^
As I've already posted, I went through with the interview - I was a complete mess. My mum went on the train with me because her workplace is somewhat close to where I'd be working, and I just couldn't stop holding her, I was shaking like a leaf and felt sick and everything. At this point, I'm just done, I somewhat hope I failed the interview - even though that outcome would open up a whole new can of worms.

There's something wrong with me. Unless it's something that I really, really want to do - I just can't hack the whole 40 hours a week (or whatever) thing. And as I said in my opening posts, everything relating to "work" bothers the hell out of me.

I struggled enough trying to deal with 20 hours a week in my mind in the past, until M&S thought it'd be fun to boost me up to like 40+ hours during the holidays/bank holidays - which really set me off when I saw the schedule and played a big part in me quitting.

I also get extremely upset/anxious at the thought of travelling far. I like to know that I can get a quick cab back or drive back if something goes wrong (I suffer from extremely bad migraines for example). Although I'd definitely rather work from home, that's pretty damned hard to do right now. Especially when I don't excell at anything that's usually done from home or freelanced.

I want to be one of those "I've not felt that I've worked a single day in my life!" kinds of people so badly.

Also, I can't stand it whenever my mum is away from me at the moment - which is really sad, but I don't care. :'(


EDIT: I miss university. I miss chilling with my friends and not being overwhelmed. The only times I don't miss were the last minute rushes to finish work or to revise, which I thankfully fixed in the 2nd half of my final year. I miss having a clear, relatively-simple-to-obtain goal in which the outside world had absolutely no impact.

[littlemissy2]

Sounds like the transition between uni life and the world of work has hit you like a ton of bricks, if you're already susceptible to depression then it will obviously be worse around this time so not much else to say apart from go to the doctors and maybe get some meds for now. The internship may sound a bit beneath you it's a start. I know loads of people who are in jobs and are being bullied by their bosses because they take advantage as they know their employees will struggle to find another job if they leave. So they have to do 50, 60 hours per week and some of that is unpaid. This is the downside of the recession but they go in everyday and stick it out because they have responsibilities and can't fall back on family or anyone because they don't have anyone. Life really is miserable for them but they don't stop hoping. The possibility of working a 40 hour week won't go away and nor will the fact the time will come that you'll have to rely on yourself and I'm more than positive you'll be able to do so no matter how much you procrastinate.

[tradingmyheartforyours]

(Original post by whitestgirlalive)
OP I'm the same as you, I've just finished my first year at Uni and I'm meant to be doing my hardest to look for a part-time job...

I was suffering the same symptoms so I know what you're going through. It got to the point where I made myself ill because of it cos I was worrying and so anxious about going to work each day. I'd sometimes cry and I felt like I never had free-time cos I was always thinking about going to work even though... I only worked weekends. They found out I was on beta-blockers and let me go cos of that.

I wish I could understand it.

This is no consolation but I feel the same way about work and despite only weekend work, I actively dread it throughout the week.

Op, look for jobs in your interest field and try volunteering too.

[KillForOreos]

(Original post by tradingmyheartforyours)
This is no consolation but I feel the same way about work and despite only weekend work, I actively dread it throughout the week.

Op, look for jobs in your interest field and try volunteering too.

That's how I was, it's horrible isn't it... Not being able to enjoy the freetime you have, and you can't help it despite your friends/family telling you to forget it until you are actually working.

[HurricaneUpper]

^

Yeah, I hate that so much - spent the last 1-2 weeks worrying about this stuff almost every waking hour to some degree.

Also, hey - another anime fan? @ tradingmyheartforyours

[tradingmyheartforyours]

(Original post by HurricaneUpper)
^

Yeah, I hate that so much - spent the last 1-2 weeks worrying about this stuff almost every waking hour to some degree.

Also, hey - another anime fan? @ tradingmyheartforyours

I used to really like anime, quite offbeat ones like 'Serial Experiments Lain', and stuff like Saki, etc. etc. I still catch it the odd time now but feel like I have less time to enjoy it now. I used to be quite good at drawing anime but now I wouldn't be able to anymore due to lack of practice

I read a lot of the anime books and appreciated them but I wasn't obsessed and I never did any cosplay or anything.x

[HurricaneUpper]

Ah, I used to watch it a hell of a lot.

Now and then I'll obsess over an anime until it's completed, though. I think my most recent series was Bleach. (Yeah, pretty mainstream - although I've watched/read a few lesser-known titles in my time)

I've been eyeing up One Piece for a while now, but my depression/anxiety issues has robbed me of the desire to start it.

Oh yeah, I've always been jealous over those that can draw anime.



Anyway, as a thread update - I'm still anxious and depressed over the whole thing. May be finally biting the bullet and calling up my local doctors within the next few days.

[tradingmyheartforyours]

(Original post by HurricaneUpper)

Anyway, as a thread update - I'm still anxious and depressed over the whole thing. May be finally biting the bullet and calling up my local doctors within the next few days.

Today, as in Tuesday, do this! One step forward in your life to regaining control!

[HurricaneUpper]

I ended up playing tennis (exercise) with my bro instead of calling up my local doctors surgery...didn't really help.

I still thought about my problems even whilst I was playing. (I autopilot a lot during sports, in fact I swear I play better when I do - even if I kinda lose the ability to read an opponent)