[Millie228]

I've been coming across a few of these posts on TSR: "I'm 19 and I've never had a boyfriend!". It always surprises me how much of a tragedy people seem to find this. I understand that some may miss sex or intimacy, but a surprising number of young people seem to be very concerned with "the label", and what others or future partner will think of them not having a relationship before. I'm a bit fed up with how a lot of people also seem to exaggerate the importance of relationship experience. If you don't want to get serious with anyone, that's fine. But for those of you who want to get married and have children at a reasonable age on your life (around 25 for women), I think you'll find this interesting.
This is from a blog written by a 28 year old guy, and this post, Know Why You're Dating, sums up exactly what I've been thinking for a while:

"Most of us don't often think of Catholic priests as authorities on dating and relationships (in fact the popular belief is exactly the opposite), but the single most influential conversation I've had about dating was one that I had with a Catholic priest while I was in college. I knew him through my family and hadn't seen him in a while. We were making the standard mundane small talk about how I was liking school and college life, when the conversation took an interesting turn onto the topic of the girl I'd been dating for the last few months. After I told him a little about her, he asked me a very pointed question:

"So do you think you could eventually marry this girl?"

"Marry her?" His question took me aback slightly. "Oh, no, we aren't going to get married... no, I mean, I like her but... well... no... No." It was clearly the first time I had even thought about it, but I knew with certainty that she wasn't the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

"No?" He asked, genuinely confused. "So then... why are you dating her?" If I remember correctly, he actually laughed slightly as he asked the question.

I had no answer for him. The truth was that I just thought she was cute, and she liked me back, so we started dating. But the ridiculousness of my situation was embarrassingly obvious in the very instant he asked the question. I knew that - in light of my certainty - my relationship with her was pointless. Any more time I spent with her was time I wasn't spending looking for someone I could end up with. It wasn't very long afterwards that I broke up with her. Since then I've messed around with more girls than I can count, but I have never dated a girl that I knew I couldn't marry - because ultimately that is what I want.

I worry sometimes when I hear girls saying things like "I want him to be my first long-term boyfriend," or when people under the age of 20 get concerned that they haven't had a serious relationship yet. The implication in both examples is that everyone ought to have a string of relationships before settling down. I remember having the same mindset myself at that age. I see it still in some of my friends. This notion isn't the exception, it is the norm. With Hollywood as our vehicle, we Americans have cultivated the expectation of "dating for dating's sake." We seem to believe there is some benefit to attaching oneself emotionally to another person only to tear away again after a year or so, and then repeating the process until eventually becoming jaded, old and single. Granted, no one hopes for this outcome and we have these peripheral ideas about needing time with a person to test the relationship, but in the end of the day, serial relationships do more harm than good.

As unfair as it might seem, this phenomenon is more damaging to woman than men. For many men, the honest answer to the priest's second question is that they want their girlfriend for her beauty and, in most cases, for sex. In many relationships, men don't get emotionally invested - they just get laid for a while. If the girl gets attached in the process, it just means the breakup will be messier. Even when a man does get emotionally invested, it usually occurs more slowly and to a lesser degree. Sound familiar? If the countless e-mails I get from readers, or my female friends' stories and my own experience are any indication, you know what I am talking about.

Relationships are tough. Breakups are no joke. You can only attach and separate yourself from a man so many times before you affect or even lose your ability to do so due to emotional scarring. Yes, the initial thrill of a new relationship is exciting, but each time that excitement grows less and less because you grow accustomed to it. You gradually throw away the innocence that allows for deep emotional attachment to a single partner, in exchange for a series of brief, shallower attachments that chip away at your ability to build something permanent. What doesn't end in permanency is bound to end in heartbreak, and if you eventually want to get married, you are doing yourself a disservice by ignoring that fact in the interest of "not over-thinking it" or "living in the moment." While emotional risk is important and necessary in order to find someone you really connect with, dating with no objective is nothing short of reckless.

So before you get involved with someone new, make sure you know what you are looking for - and more importantly for women, what he is looking for. Know what you want from him, and make sure he is on the same page. If you both just want to hook up, great. If you both need a quick rebound, go for it. If you both want someone to settle down with, count yourself lucky. But if you don't know what you want or he doesn't share your motivations, you risk wasting your most eligible years, sustaining emotional damage, and giving away a piece of yourself that you then can't offer to the man you do stay with. "

EDIT:
#1 - Note the part on men getting less emotionally involved. If you haven't been heartbroken, only gotten laid for a while, then obviously it won't feel like a waste.
#2 - The main point of this is NOT that all relationships which don't end in marriage are a waste of time. The main point is that the idea that you must have relationship experience to be prepared for marriage is bogus. Most people will end up having one or two relationships before marriage anyway, but to aim it is pointless.

[InnerTemple]

I disagree, though it is a nice story.

The lesson contained within this man's story seems to suggest that the only fulfilling thing one can have in life is to be married. Perhaps one shouldn't be surprised since this lesson came from a Catholic priest. I cannot bring myself to agree with the view that a relationship between two people which does not result in marriage is a waste of time, or pointless as the blogger says.

None of my relationships have ended in marriage - they keep running away. But I do not see my time with these people as wasted. I gained experience, I learned knew things, I visited new places, I enjoyed being in the company of someone I really liked... even loved. Each relationship I have had has developed me as a person and as such was well worth the time I invested in it.

I can understand why some people may think that dating someone who you do not intend to marry is weird. However is marriage really the holy grail in life? If you are both happy, so what? So what if you miss out on meeting other people who could be marriage material... for a start that idea seems to base itself on the 'theory' that there is only one person who is right for you. Also, there are many many things which may stop me meeting my potential wife: I could eat a curry tonight, end up with terrible food poisoning thus meaning I can't make my weekend of social engagements and miss hooking up with the woman that would be my wife.

When I started going out with the girl who was my most serious girlfriend, I knew I did not want to marry her. I was attracted to her and liked her... but marriage? No. However as time went on and as a result of what happened between us, I changed my mind. In the end it didn't work out - but the point is: If I decided not to go out with someone I didn't think I would marry, I may miss dating someone who grows on me... and becomes a person I would marry.

And what is so great about marriage anyway - a large number end in divorce...

I agree that people should not worry about not having had a partner by the time they are 20 or whatever age. I do not agree with the view that a relationship which will not end in marriage is pointless. It is anything but.

[A.J10]

A waste of time you enjoy is never a waste of time.

Why would you only see going ot with someone as a means to an end (marriage)? Its like reading a book or watching a film only to see the ending, after you've made sure it's an ending you'll accept.

This was posted from The Student Room's Android App on my E15i

[daphodil]

I disagree. It's impossible to know when you start dating if they are "The One" unless you've been in a relationship with them for a while. Also, being in a relationship can be very fulfilling even if you don't picture it ending in marriage, chances are you'll still come into contact with new men/women when you are in a younger relationship which often happens, and you end up moving on and developing feelings elsewhere.

[Millie228]

I think the point here is that everybody recognizes that it takes a few 'hit and misses' to find "the one". But you should know your goals before starting something with someone, that is half the job - figuring out what you AND the other person wants.
Not all relationships end in heartbreak - I am guessing most people on TSR have had few long term, sexual relationships. But most break ups end badly and leave you less able to open up.
Also, note the part on how men get less emotionally involved. If you don't end it in tears, it is much much easier to look back thinking "that was a great time".

[Mrx123]

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[Am.K]

(Original post by Mrx123)
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmm


This was posted from The Student Room's iPhone/iPad App

[almosttrue]

(Original post by Millie228)
I've been coming across a few of these posts on TSR: "I'm 19 and I've never had a boyfriend!". It always surprises me how much of a tragedy people seem to find this. I understand that some may miss sex or intimacy, but a surprising number of young people seem to be very concerned with "the label", and what others or future partner will think of them not having a relationship before. I'm a bit fed up with how a lot of people also seem to exaggerate the importance of relationship experience. If you don't want to get serious with anyone, that's fine. But for those of you who want to get married and have children at a reasonable age on your life (around 25 for women), I think you'll find this interesting.
This is from a blog written by a 28 year old guy, and this post, Know Why You're Dating, sums up exactly what I've been thinking for a while:

"Most of us don't often think of Catholic priests as authorities on dating and relationships (in fact the popular belief is exactly the opposite), but the single most influential conversation I've had about dating was one that I had with a Catholic priest while I was in college. I knew him through my family and hadn't seen him in a while. We were making the standard mundane small talk about how I was liking school and college life, when the conversation took an interesting turn onto the topic of the girl I'd been dating for the last few months. After I told him a little about her, he asked me a very pointed question:

"So do you think you could eventually marry this girl?"

"Marry her?" His question took me aback slightly. "Oh, no, we aren't going to get married... no, I mean, I like her but... well... no... No." It was clearly the first time I had even thought about it, but I knew with certainty that she wasn't the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

"No?" He asked, genuinely confused. "So then... why are you dating her?" If I remember correctly, he actually laughed slightly as he asked the question.

I had no answer for him. The truth was that I just thought she was cute, and she liked me back, so we started dating. But the ridiculousness of my situation was embarrassingly obvious in the very instant he asked the question. I knew that - in light of my certainty - my relationship with her was pointless. Any more time I spent with her was time I wasn't spending looking for someone I could end up with. It wasn't very long afterwards that I broke up with her. Since then I've messed around with more girls than I can count, but I have never dated a girl that I knew I couldn't marry - because ultimately that is what I want.

I worry sometimes when I hear girls saying things like "I want him to be my first long-term boyfriend," or when people under the age of 20 get concerned that they haven't had a serious relationship yet. The implication in both examples is that everyone ought to have a string of relationships before settling down. I remember having the same mindset myself at that age. I see it still in some of my friends. This notion isn't the exception, it is the norm. With Hollywood as our vehicle, we Americans have cultivated the expectation of "dating for dating's sake." We seem to believe there is some benefit to attaching oneself emotionally to another person only to tear away again after a year or so, and then repeating the process until eventually becoming jaded, old and single. Granted, no one hopes for this outcome and we have these peripheral ideas about needing time with a person to test the relationship, but in the end of the day, serial relationships do more harm than good.

As unfair as it might seem, this phenomenon is more damaging to woman than men. For many men, the honest answer to the priest's second question is that they want their girlfriend for her beauty and, in most cases, for sex. In many relationships, men don't get emotionally invested - they just get laid for a while. If the girl gets attached in the process, it just means the breakup will be messier. Even when a man does get emotionally invested, it usually occurs more slowly and to a lesser degree. Sound familiar? If the countless e-mails I get from readers, or my female friends' stories and my own experience are any indication, you know what I am talking about.

Relationships are tough. Breakups are no joke. You can only attach and separate yourself from a man so many times before you affect or even lose your ability to do so due to emotional scarring. Yes, the initial thrill of a new relationship is exciting, but each time that excitement grows less and less because you grow accustomed to it. You gradually throw away the innocence that allows for deep emotional attachment to a single partner, in exchange for a series of brief, shallower attachments that chip away at your ability to build something permanent. What doesn't end in permanency is bound to end in heartbreak, and if you eventually want to get married, you are doing yourself a disservice by ignoring that fact in the interest of "not over-thinking it" or "living in the moment." While emotional risk is important and necessary in order to find someone you really connect with, dating with no objective is nothing short of reckless.

So before you get involved with someone new, make sure you know what you are looking for - and more importantly for women, what he is looking for. Know what you want from him, and make sure he is on the same page. If you both just want to hook up, great. If you both need a quick rebound, go for it. If you both want someone to settle down with, count yourself lucky. But if you don't know what you want or he doesn't share your motivations, you risk wasting your most eligible years, sustaining emotional damage, and giving away a piece of yourself that you then can't offer to the man you do stay with. "

EDIT:
#1 - Note the part on men getting less emotionally involved. If you haven't been heartbroken, only gotten laid for a while, then obviously it won't feel like a waste.
#2 - The main point of this is NOT that all relationships which don't end in marriage are a waste of time. The main point is that the idea that you must have relationship experience to be prepared for marriage is bogus. Most people will end up having one or two relationships before marriage anyway, but to aim it is pointless.

Im almost 28 and never had a boyfriend, im not craving for one but my age worries me.