(Original post by Anonymous)
I've met the guy a couple of times- when I went to visit her at uni- and although he's not a terrible person there was always something that unsettled me about him. The way he looked at her, even when I was with her, made my skin crawl. But I never even thought of telling her that she wasn't allowed to pick and choose her friends- it wouldn't have been my place anyway. She was always free to do exactly what she wanted.
She hasn't seen or spoken to me in just over a month and a half, saying that she wanted to "give me a bit of space", even though we live about a 10 minute walk from each other. We went through school together and I took a gap year this year so that I could earn enough money to go travelling with her this summer, to South Africa and to Paris, where I was going to propose.
All of that is just down the drain. I'm still going to SA, but don't really feel like going to Paris without her. I really don't know where we went wrong, and she hasn't given me any answers, even when I asked her outright. I just don't see how it could be anything but him. And that makes it his fault.
I haven't got enough time to go out and get fitter, I'm still having to work crazy hours at my bar job and I can't quit because I still really need the money- having been kicked out of my parent's house when they found out that I was self- harming. (not recommended by the way, but it just gave me something to be in control of)
No matter what I try to think about it comes down to the fact that if that bastard hadn't shown up in her life, then everything would be amazing. As it is, I've lost the roof over my head and the only person in the world I've ever really cared about. I want him dead. I don't care what happens beyond that. But that's not how I want to think. If he makes her happy, then I know that should be enough.
I've been cutting myself and tried to kill myself twice in the past 3 months. Once by overdose and once my trying to throw myself off a bridge. The bridge attempt failed because I couldn't bring mmyself to let go of the railings, and the OD failed because the tablets weren't as high a dose as I thought they were.
But still, it just comes down to the fact that I want to hurt him. Badly. And I normally think of myself as a good person. I don't want
to want to hurt him, but the thought of him not being around any more is just amazing.
Im really scared that if I run into him when I'm drunk at uni that I'll do it. I went after professional help, but my doctor refused to refer me to a psychiatrist and gave me a councillor instead, which has been of no use whatsoever.