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Chronic Depression and Dating

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    Will they ever truly mix?

    I've been on antidepressants for a few years, and face the very real possibility that I may need to be on them for the rest of my life. Along with the periodical episodes of depression that don't go away regardless of therapy / drugs, does this make me completely undateable?

    I'd love to get married and maybe have a family, but would any guy realistically want to settle down with someone who can be so emotionally unstable? I can't help but feel I'm defective - the broken toy that might be vaguely amusing for five minutes, but that noone wants to have to live with. Of course, only those I'm close to know, and most people who know me would never be able to guess, but when you're dating someone seriously, it'll come out sooner or later, especially if you have a mini breakdown in front of them.

    I'm 23 now, and I've never had a relationship or a proper date. Those guys that I have been with have made it very clear that I'm only good for one thing, and I'm certainly not girlfriend material. A lot of my friends / cousins of a similar age to me (or even younger!) are now engaged or getting married, and I feel very much left behind. I hate getting that dreaded "Soooo, is there any possibility of wedding bells on the horizon??" from various aunts or friends families, and all I want to do is run off and cry because I am honestly so, so lonely. And frightened that I'll have to go through life alone and get left behind.

    I know this is probably a silly question, since of course there's no obvious answer. I guess I'm just wondering if there's any point in carrying on dressing up, plastering a fake smile on my face and going out. They do say insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly whilst expecting different results after all...
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    (Original post by Lil Piranha)
    Will they ever truly mix?

    I've been on antidepressants for a few years, and face the very real possibility that I may need to be on them for the rest of my life. Along with the periodical episodes of depression that don't go away regardless of therapy / drugs, does this make me completely undateable?

    I'd love to get married and maybe have a family, but would any guy realistically want to settle down with someone who can be so emotionally unstable? I can't help but feel I'm defective - the broken toy that might be vaguely amusing for five minutes, but that noone wants to have to live with. Of course, only those I'm close to know, and most people who know me would never be able to guess, but when you're dating someone seriously, it'll come out sooner or later, especially if you have a mini breakdown in front of them.

    I'm 23 now, and I've never had a relationship or a proper date. Those guys that I have been with have made it very clear that I'm only good for one thing, and I'm certainly not girlfriend material. A lot of my friends / cousins of a similar age to me (or even younger!) are now engaged or getting married, and I feel very much left behind. I hate getting that dreaded "Soooo, is there any possibility of wedding bells on the horizon??" from various aunts or friends families, and all I want to do is run off and cry because I am honestly so, so lonely. And frightened that I'll have to go through life alone and get left behind.

    I know this is probably a silly question, since of course there's no obvious answer. I guess I'm just wondering if there's any point in carrying on dressing up, plastering a fake smile on my face and going out. They do say insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly whilst expecting different results after all...
    If you're referring to the spike in brain chemicals such as oxytocin that people mistake for "love", then it supposedly can be difficult for someone with depression to experience it.

    Serotonin
    Chemically, the serotonin effects of being infatuated have a similar chemical appearance to obsessive-compulsive disorder; which could explain why people experiencing infatuation cannot think of anyone else.[10] For this reason some, such as anthropologist Helen Fisher, assert that taking SSRIs and other antidepressants impede one's ability to fall in love. In one particular case Fisher noted:
    I know of one couple on the edge of divorce. The wife was on an antidepressant. Then she went off it, started having orgasms once more, felt the renewal of sexual attraction for her husband, and they're now in love all over again.[11]


    I will answer your question with both yes and no. The reasoning behind telling you that you will never find love will hopefully get you to give up, which is when the magic happens.
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    (Original post by Lil Piranha)
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    Difficult question. I think the main reason that depression and relationships often don't mix is because people who are depressed often do things that make it hard to get to the point where it takes off.

    For example, my experience with dating a few people who have been depressive is that when they're feeling depressed, they tend to cancel on dates, to be less receptive to affection, things like that. They tend to be less receptive to opening up, more circumspect, and that can be mistaken for a lack of interest.

    With regards to age, I wouldn't worry about that aspect. People from our cohort can legitimately expect to have a significantly longer life expectancy; when were dying on average in their early or mid 60s, it made sense that you didn't mess about for too long, and settled down by your mid-20s. But moving into an age where a 100+ life expectancy probably won't be unusual, I think that people can afford to take longer to work things out and find the right person. Better to concentrate on getting well and finding the right person, rather than feeling pressured to simply settle down for its own sake.
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    I used to suffer from depression in a really big way. I'm on the mend (not medicated) but I slip in and out of it. The main thing is that if I was in a relationship, I wouldn't rely on the other person to help with the depression. I've always sought out help on my own so I don't overburden people. Some people don't have a lot of understanding of mental illness - they assume it's worse than it actually is. I can manage mine fairly well. It's important to take responsibility for yourself, because no one else can. Everyone must be able to help themselves as much as they can. I never withdraw from people if I'm sad - I just want more hugs and kisses. I'd have to be with a guy comfortable with that. I've had boyfriends who hated it.

    (Original post by MostUncivilised)
    With regards to age, I wouldn't worry about that aspect. People from our cohort can legitimately expect to have a significantly longer life expectancy; when were dying on average in their early or mid 60s, it made sense that you didn't mess about for too long, and settled down by your mid-20s. But moving into an age where a 100+ life expectancy probably won't be unusual, I think that people can afford to take longer to work things out and find the right person. Better to concentrate on getting well and finding the right person, rather than feeling pressured to simply settle down for its own sake.
    I agree with this entirely. Why are your relatives pressuring you? You're only 23!

    I get that sometimes too, mind. But I ignore it. I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment so I'm happy just to watch my engaged and married friends being happy.
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    (Original post by Lucia.)
    I used to suffer from depression in a really big way. I'm on the mend (not medicated) but I slip in and out of it. The main thing is that if I was in a relationship, I wouldn't rely on the other person to help with the depression. I've always sought out help on my own so I don't overburden people. Some people don't have a lot of understanding of mental illness - they assume it's worse than it actually is. I can manage mine fairly well. It's important to take responsibility for yourself, because no one else can. Everyone must be able to help themselves as much as they can. I never withdraw from people if I'm sad - I just want more hugs and kisses. I'd have to be with a guy comfortable with that. I've had boyfriends who hated it.



    I agree with this entirely. Why are your relatives pressuring you? You're only 23!

    I get that sometimes too, mind. But I ignore it. I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment so I'm happy just to watch my engaged and married friends being happy.
    You have a good attitude, keep it up don't feel too low !!
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    I can relate. I would feel horrible for unleashing my real depressed self on some poor prospective partner.
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    (Original post by Rich_183)
    You have a good attitude, keep it up don't feel too low !!
    Thanks.
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    I know I'm only 23, but I still feel lightyears behind my peers when it comes to relationships and dating.

    I know I'm young, but I really do want to settle down. It's not just a case of being pressured by family, it's something I really want for myself as well. I'm not saying I'm going to marry the first guy who shows any hint of interest in me, that would be ridiculous.

    I am ready for a relationship, it's something I want and am looking for, but it just won't happen. I'm probably just inherently unloveable! Unattractive / massive bitch / stupid / lazy. I'd love for it not to be true, but I honestly can't see any guy wanting to be with me.
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    (Original post by Lil Piranha)
    I am ready for a relationship, it's something I want and am looking for, but it just won't happen. I'm probably just inherently unloveable! Unattractive / massive bitch / stupid / lazy. I'd love for it not to be true, but I honestly can't see any guy wanting to be with me.
    No don't say that, sweetie. Believe you deserve love, and you will find it.

    Wear a smile. Men love to see a woman with a beautiful smile.

    I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment. I like being single but being in a great relationship, I know would be better. I don't get down about it. I'd rather have the right relationship than get into one for the sake of it.

    Why don't you think it will happen? Do you get to meet a lot of people?
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    (Original post by Lucia.)
    No don't say that, sweetie. Believe you deserve love, and you will find it.

    Wear a smile. Men love to see a woman with a beautiful smile.

    I'm not ready for a relationship at the moment. I like being single but being in a great relationship, I know would be better. I don't get down about it. I'd rather have the right relationship than get into one for the sake of it.

    Why don't you think it will happen? Do you get to meet a lot of people?
    Thing is I'm always smiling. People who don't know I have depression tend to think I'm a pretty cheerful person!

    I do get to meet a reasonable amount of people, not loads but I'm not someone who just stays indoors. I go out a couple of times a month and I'm in a couple of uni societies. It just doesn't happen. I don't get approached, and if I try to approach someone it always ends badly (laughed at / they run a mile etc).

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