[Bellissima]

(Original post by The Patriot)
I will try and keep this short.

I work at a restaurant in the back prepping all the food with a few other guys. This one kid gets a bit of stick occasionally about what-not, and I do it a bit too.

So one kid takes the mick out of his dad (which isn't off-limits really as he jokes about it too). I randomly pitched in a little comment which was by no means over the top, or as bad as the other people's. He responds with "well you can't really make dad jokes can you?", in full knowledge that my dad died in a plane crash a few years ago.

Everyone was just in complete shock like what the f*** did he just say? It was kind of worse because, unbeknown to him, today is the anniversary of his death.

I always thought in my head that I would murder anyone who said something like that, and I had a knife in my hand at the time chopping some veg.

For some reason though, I just didn't really react. Obviously I was like "why did you say that? And "what's that supposed to mean". At which point he reiterated it a little more sheepishly and kind of backed out of it eventually, but only after a minute long stalemate.

I want to know why, unlike 99% of people of the planet, I didn't go bat **** crazy and beat the crap out of him. Why was my reaction so tame and controlled? Is my self control really that good? Or was I just being weird? I'm feeling very strange and upset about the whole situation to be honest.

Any advice is appreciated.

i would react the same way... people speak without thinking... if they genuinely meant to hurt me i would cut them out of my life, there are limits... i wouldn't stab them or attack them though, firstly that's a bit psycho, and secondly that would potentially ruin my life and there is only one person in the world i can imagine attacking... and even then i wouldn't... i'm not a violence kind of person.

i would feel really upset by it, i'm really sorry it happened to you especially on the aniversary of his death that must have really sucked... if you wanted to talk about it PM is always there.

[The Patriot]

(Original post by Bellissima)
i would react the same way... people speak without thinking... if they genuinely meant to hurt me i would cut them out of my life, there are limits... i wouldn't stab them or attack them though, firstly that's a bit psycho, and secondly that would potentially ruin my life and there is only one person in the world i can imagine attacking... and even then i wouldn't... i'm not a violence kind of person.

i would feel really upset by it, i'm really sorry it happened to you especially on the aniversary of his death that must have really sucked... if you wanted to talk about it PM is always there.

Well thank you, but I'm ok. I've gotten over it now really, I'm just still a bit confused.

[Transcendence]

(Original post by The Patriot)
OK what is your problem may I ask?

No problem, just telling it how it is.

[The Patriot]

(Original post by Transcendence)
No problem, just telling it how it is.

Right OK.

Seeing as you said you would say the same thing, this could actually be quite helpful.

Why would you say the same thing? What particular reason would have caused that reaction?

[Transcendence]

(Original post by The Patriot)
Right OK.

Seeing as you said you would say the same thing, this could actually be quite helpful.

Why would you say the same thing? What particular reason would have caused that reaction?

I would say that because it would be the best thing to get back at you.

[The Patriot]

(Original post by Transcendence)
I would say that because it would be the best thing to get back at you.

So you don't feel there's a limit then? Or an appropriate response? There's a lot of comebacks he could have made that were less inflammatory.

My point in the OP is that I felt his response was disproportionate, in that what I said was relatively minor compared to his response, which (as you were not there I should explain) was obviously too far and quite shocking.

One of the other lads there is pretty harsh and a bit sick, but even he thought it was way too far over the line, which is saying something.

[Spoonman]

OP, what did you say to him? be honest

Gives a better idea of how to weigh it up if you're genuinely confused.

(P.S sorry to hear about your loss man)

[Sheep]

you're wondering why you didn't act like an emotional schoolgirl over some slightly offensive joke?

I don't know, my guess is you're older than 12

[Stevo112]

(Original post by The Patriot)
I will try and keep this short.

I work at a restaurant in the back prepping all the food with a few other guys. This one kid gets a bit of stick occasionally about what-not, and I do it a bit too.

So one kid takes the mick out of his dad (which isn't off-limits really as he jokes about it too). I randomly pitched in a little comment which was by no means over the top, or as bad as the other people's. He responds with "well you can't really make dad jokes can you?", in full knowledge that my dad died in a plane crash a few years ago.

Everyone was just in complete shock like what the f*** did he just say? It was kind of worse because, unbeknown to him, today is the anniversary of his death.

I always thought in my head that I would murder anyone who said something like that, and I had a knife in my hand at the time chopping some veg.

For some reason though, I just didn't really react. Obviously I was like "why did you say that? And "what's that supposed to mean". At which point he reiterated it a little more sheepishly and kind of backed out of it eventually, but only after a minute long stalemate.

I want to know why, unlike 99% of people of the planet, I didn't go bat **** crazy and beat the crap out of him. Why was my reaction so tame and controlled? Is my self control really that good? Or was I just being weird? I'm feeling very strange and upset about the whole situation to be honest.

Any advice is appreciated.

Lol why are you joking about other people's dads? In my opinion if you make comments about other people's dads then you must be willing to receive the occasional comment about yours.... In this instance you may have hit a nerve with the guy and this is the sort of response you would get from someone you have pissed off when the subject of dads are brought up.

All I can suggest is to keep your **** in check. A lot of people don't care about your dad deep down because of the selfishness of non-friend people (like colleagues), and thus why discuss the topic with them? I don't get why you'd potentially compromise your well being just for a joke. Don't give people an excuse to bring up your dad. If they bring him up in a non-father subject then you know they are pricks


Sorry to hear about your dad though Don't murder people though, i'm sure he would not want you to become some psycho...

[Transcendence]

(Original post by The Patriot)
So you don't feel there's a limit then? Or an appropriate response? There's a lot of comebacks he could have made that were less inflammatory.

My point in the OP is that I felt his response was disproportionate, in that what I said was relatively minor compared to his response, which (as you were not there I should explain) was obviously too far and quite shocking.

One of the other lads there is pretty harsh and a bit sick, but even he thought it was way too far over the line, which is saying something.

I don't think anything is beyond what you should say, and if you said anything offensive to me, you'd get a similar response to that. But neither would I be shocked/care if somebody said it to me really, so that's that

[The Patriot]

(Original post by Spoonman)
OP, what did you say to him? be honest

Gives a better idea of how to weigh it up if you're genuinely confused.

(P.S sorry to hear about your loss man)

No worries :P

*tries to remember for a good minute...*

I can't actually remember exactly, but I remember the gist of the conversation..

This kid always talks about how he hates his dad and how he's glad he moved away.

One kid said something like I bet he was well happy he moved away, and I said yeah he can get away from you! Or something like that.

It wasn't nice, but it wasn't overboard. Especially seeing as he had just openly said he was happy with it, and had done many hundreds of times before. He later said he wished his dad was dead, which he has said before, which makes me think he isn't just in denial about the whole thing.

[Spoonman]

(Original post by The Patriot)
No worries :P

*tries to remember for a good minute...*

I can't actually remember exactly, but I remember the gist of the conversation..

This kid always talks about how he hates his dad and how he's glad he moved away.

One kid said something like I bet he was well happy he moved away, and I said yeah he can get away from you! Or something like that.

It wasn't nice, but it wasn't overboard. Especially seeing as he had just openly said he was happy with it, and had done many hundreds of times before. He later said he wished his dad was dead, which he has said before, which makes me think he isn't just in denial about the whole thing.

If that's the case then yeah he defo overreacted, and potentially has some underlying problem with you, hence the 'shut up outsider' kind of comeback

[The Patriot]

(Original post by Sheep)
you're wondering why you didn't act like an emotional schoolgirl over some slightly offensive joke?

I don't know, my guess is you're older than 12

Slightly offensive? I think that's an understatement. I'm not going to accuse you of anything, but it's far more than "slightly offensive". Making fun of your dead close relative isn't slightly offensive. Calling someone stupid or saying they have a big nose is "slightly offensive". It seems to me like this was a bigger deal than that. But it's all subjective I guess, so I'm not factually right.

(Original post by Transcendence)
I don't think anything is beyond what you should say, and if you said anything offensive to me, you'd get a similar response to that. But neither would I be shocked/care if somebody said it to me really, so that's that

Hmm, sounds like we are made of different stuff mentally. But fair play. No complaints.

(Original post by Stevo112)
Lol why are you joking about other people's dads? In my opinion if you make comments about other people's dads then you must be willing to receive the occasional comment about yours.... In this instance you may have hit a nerve with the guy and this is the sort of response you would get from someone you have pissed off when the subject of dads are brought up.

All I can suggest is to keep your **** in check. A lot of people don't care about your dad deep down because of the selfishness of non-friend people (like colleagues), and thus why discuss the topic with them? I don't get why you'd potentially compromise your well being just for a joke. Don't give people an excuse to bring up your dad. If they bring him up in a non-father subject then you know they are pricks


Sorry to hear about your dad though Don't murder people though, i'm sure he would not want you to become some psycho...

To be fair to myself, I didn't bring it up, he did. You don't bring up and joke about a topic you don't want someone to comment on do you? So it's easy to understand why I felt like it wasn't off-limits.

Maybe I did leave myself open for it though, as I wasn't expecting any comment about it to come back at me. Naive of me really, knowing what he is like.

My fault for not informing you though. He isn't just a colleague. We have been very close friends outside of work since year 7, and we're now both 18.

[Friar Chris]

(Original post by The Patriot)
I want to know why, unlike 99% of people of the planet, I didn't go bat **** crazy and beat the crap out of him. Why was my reaction so tame and controlled?

Because you're not a poorly-scripted soap character on the TV.

[Stevo112]

(Original post by The Patriot)

My fault for not informing you though. He isn't just a colleague. We have been very close friends outside of work since year 7, and we're now both 18.

then have a word with him about why he said it


Otherwise yea, if you don't comment on other people's father then they don't comment on yours.

[theonefrombrum]

(Original post by Profesh)
Your colleague was understandably frustrated that you would impugn his heritage from the relatively unassailable position of one whose own father has recently died, thereby thwarting any attempt at a comeback on his part almost automatically. The fact that you can insult him with impunity owing to this implicit 'exemption clause' probably renders even the most off-hand of comments a good deal more aggravating, and his apparent over-reaction can be explained (if not justified) accordingly – not to mention that being constantly singled-out for criticism will eventually take its toll on even the most resilient psyche.

Have some humility, for goodness' sake.


Planet Hollywood, perhaps.

Lol it's your prerogative to demonstrate that you have a vocabulary which is generally idiosyncratic to ardent readers and those with a good memory, but this feels like you're purposefully chosen to use big words in place of easier to understand more well known ones, maybe to prove a point? Or perhaps you just genuinely have made the decision to speak in a way which you know most people wont understand, for reasons as of yet unknown to me?

I'm genuinely curious, you write well and have a seemingly good vocabulary but isn't it a generally accepted, if not obvious prerequisite that on forums the usage of words which people will understand should be chosen, as the prime purpose of making posts is so that you can share with other people your thoughts and opinions?

Please, let me know.

OP, tbh i'm not sure why you reacted how you did, i probably would have been unable to not at least slap him, if not kick his face in. That's a horrible thing to say and while he clearly had had enough of the constant mockery, if he had any sense he would have phrased his displeasure differently, its just a known thing to not talk about family members who have passed away, that's about as low as it gets.

[Sheep]

(Original post by The Patriot)
Slightly offensive? I think that's an understatement. I'm not going to accuse you of anything, but it's far more than "slightly offensive". Making fun of your dead close relative isn't slightly offensive. Calling someone stupid or saying they have a big nose is "slightly offensive". It seems to me like this was a bigger deal than that. But it's all subjective I guess, so I'm not factually right.

wow cry more

it was nothing, this thread just really makes me lol

you remind me of people on Hollyoaks, someone makes a little remark then you get a 30 minute scene of some guy crying into a pillow

I mean it probably happened weeks ago and you're making threads about it and everything

[The Patriot]

(Original post by Sheep)
wow cry more

it was nothing, this thread just really makes me lol

you remind me of people on Hollyoaks, someone makes a little remark then you get a 30 minute scene of some guy crying into a pillow

I mean it probably happened weeks ago and you're making threads about it and everything

It happened a few hours before I posted this.

Cry more? I didn't cry. Nor did I post anything about crying. So why did you randomly mention it?

Again, I think you have failed to grasp the situation properly. I don't feel it was "a little remark" given the implication of it and the malice behind it.

Trying to make me feel silly about this is just really sad on your behalf. You say that this thread makes you laugh, implying that it is pathetic or something. The only pathetic thing is that you would read it and feel the need to make a stupid little response to make yourself feel big. You look like a prick. Anyone can sit there and be a knob behind a computer screen, but at the end of the day you're embarrassing.

[Lychee]

Firstly I think you reacted totally normally- Seriously who actually beats up a work colleague if they offend you! You might *want* to punch him in the face but generally normal, functioning grown ups very rarely get into fist fights. Well done for having a mature reaction to the situation.

Looking at what you said and he said it looks as though you might have touched a nerve. All of his statements about how he hates his Dad and is glad he has moved away sounds like he is being really defensive and trying to pretend he doesn't care when really he might feel a bit abandoned. You say things like 'I bet he left to get away from you' may have struck a nerve so he hit back in a way which he knew would end the conversation/hurt you back. Not a particularly mature reaction but an understandable one.

Depending on how good mates you are you might wanna bring it up and talk it through? Otherwise just try and stay off the topic of Dads at work!

[Antifazian]

I don't think going crazy and murdering the guy would've been a normal reaction, you did react normally.