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I'm obsessing over her break-up sex with her ex

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    This is quite a long message I know but I’m incredibly unhappy and could really use some good advice.

    So basically, I started university about a year ago and met this girl in my flat that I really liked but had a boyfriend of two years at home that she was really crazy about and never shut up about him. We were really close friends for a while until a week before the end of the first semester we kissed (among other things) and were basically a couple for the week. She wasn’t sure about what she was going to do about the situation but looking back on what she said to me and others at the time it’s fairly clear she wanted to be with me.

    SO, she went home for the holidays and saw the guy. She told him about me (and she only told him we kissed) but only after they had sex. He was really upset and she felt really guilty. So they had a bit of vodka and soon after she gave him a blowjob. He would later tell her on facebook chat how kinky and exciting she had been. She said that she had felt horrible seeing his reaction and had wanted to be with him when she did that but then almost immediately after she VERY softly tried to break up with him by saying how hard long distance had been and how she couldn’t trust herself not to hurt him. They arranged to meet up for one last time to say goodbye. He said he might want to have sex one last time and she said she did too (again found this out on facebook). She was blind drunk when they had sex the last time but I think it would have happened anyway.

    She spent all of this time telling me about everything but the sex. She wanted us to be together. I had messaged her at the start of the holiday asking her not to have sex with him. She said she wouldn’t but it had already happened the first time.

    When we arrived back at university she told me about the first time (saying it was the only time). I would later discover about the next two only upon reading her facebook messages (I know, I know). For nearly six months we have been together, spent almost all our time together night and day, but I have never been able to let go of what happened. We have had so many dramas about it and I NEVER stop thinking about it. It’s horrible. The fact that she could lie to me and that she could do it anyway breaks my heart and I’m constantly thinking about all the gory details (I asked too much). I know he was her boyfriend but she was leaving him for me because she really liked me. I also heard her say to a friend that she wished to have had time between me and her ex to ‘be a slut’. She is also a drama student and may be asked to kiss people in plays which drives me crazy but she’s upset that saying no could harm her prospects. Also her sport at uni involves the male and female teams going back on the bus when the males are naked, the girls in their underwear and everyone blind drunk. She hasn’t had a chance to do this since we’ve been together but she did It when she was with her ex.

    She is a lovely girl and I’m mad about her but this stuff makes me feel terrible and almost a little insane. She does love me and has said sorry but I’m constantly thinking about her in a way I don’t like. I understand that they were still going out but it hurts that she would want to do this while wanting and planning to be with me. she is a great girl and does really love me but im going crazy!
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    She is not a great girl.
    - First thing: if someone is willing to cheat with you, they are willing to cheat on you. She consider you a guy who will put up with just about anything.
    - She knowingly lied to you. You were worried they'd have sex and told her not to, yet she did and hid it from you.
    - Never get involved with someone who isn't single. When you two kissed, she was still with her boyfriend. It doesn't matter if she says she wants to be with you at that point, she had not broken up with him. She therefore had no actual obligation to you. You could have expressed your interest as soon as you felt it, yet have told her "contact me if you ever break up with your bf". Doesn't matter if they're long distance. You are partly at fault for this becoming an ambiguous situation where her ex is still her **** buddy while she's "kinda" dating you.
    - She didn't have to sleep with him. People break up all the time without giving BJs/have sex to make up. People especially don't do that if the reason for breaking up is that they've met someone else. She obviously still feel a strong sexual attraction to him - unless girls are whores or have serious self esteem issues, they don't sleep with men they aren't very attracted to.
    I'm sorry but you need to get your head out of the sand on this one.


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Updated: June 24, 2012
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