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Please read this poem I wrote in five minutes and tell me what you think.

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    How I would love to wander along a silver plain.
    With fragile footsteps crushed against a still, stony grain.
    Time passes, so slowly along these racing, rolling hills.
    But quickly I am wasting my last, lonely thrills.

    I remember those long drives of complete mystery.
    But now they are bound in volumes of history.
    And all that can be published now is solitary, so solitary.
    Unguided, poisoned, misled and stumbling, mumbling misery.

    How I miss our platinum days.
    How I yearn for our golden, eternal ways.
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    it's nice

    ...reminds me that i'm ageing :cry2:
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    (Original post by Powersymphonia)
    How I would love to wander along a silver plain.
    With fragile footsteps crushed against a still, stony grain.
    Time passes, so slowly along these racing, rolling hills.
    But quickly I am wasting my last, lonely thrills.

    I remember those long drives of complete mystery.
    But now they are bound in volumes of history.
    And all that can be published now is solitary, so solitary.
    Unguided, poisoned, misled and stumbling, mumbling misery.



    How I miss our platinum days.
    How I yearn for our golden, eternal ways.

    (Original post by memomemootoo)
    it's nice

    ...reminds me that i'm ageing :cry2:
    Same for me,I liked it
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    Not really my cup of tea. Too many adjectives make it seem very whimsy. It almost seems you like you use longer words to keep the rhythm the same, which looks like it should be 13 syllables per line but is stretched/weakened a few times. I like the rhyming couplets but it doesn't really work for the way I say "solitary" and "misery".

    For five minutes it is a good poem. Reminds me of William Blake. What were you thinking about when you wrote it? Seems very melancholic.
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    (Original post by Powersymphonia)
    How I would love to wander along a silver plain.
    With fragile footsteps crushed against a still, stony grain.
    Time passes, so slowly along these racing, rolling hills.
    But quickly I am wasting my last, lonely thrills.

    I remember those long drives of complete mystery.
    But now they are bound in volumes of history.
    And all that can be published now is solitary, so solitary.
    Unguided, poisoned, misled and stumbling, mumbling misery.

    How I miss our platinum days.
    How I yearn for our golden, eternal ways.

    I enjoyed this...it would make a good "pop" song; it reminds me of Don McLean
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    Very good indeed! I'm not into creative writing etc (I'm a science nerd) and looked at this post on a whim. Glad I did
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    Bump looking for more opinions
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    (Original post by Powersymphonia)
    Bump looking for more opinions
    Its a very well written poem.
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    (Original post by Bleak Lemming)
    Very good indeed! I'm not into creative writing etc (I'm a science nerd) and looked at this post on a whim. Glad I did
    What about Robert Boyle and Primo Levi? Both scientists, both recognised as great writers.
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    i liked it, good work
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    very well written. My girl also writes poems, and she also writes them beautifully.
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    Pretty good. If you want to do more work on it, I'd focus on sorting out the metre, which is a touch inconsistent.
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    I don't know why, I prefer non rhyming poems. Maybe they sound less cheesy...
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    Not bad, not bad at all.
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    (Original post by Powersymphonia)
    How I would love to wander along a silver plain.
    With fragile footsteps crushed against a still, stony grain.
    Time passes, so slowly along these racing, rolling hills.
    But quickly I am wasting my last, lonely thrills.

    I remember those long drives of complete mystery.
    But now they are bound in volumes of history.
    And all that can be published now is solitary, so solitary.
    Unguided, poisoned, misled and stumbling, mumbling misery.

    How I miss our platinum days.
    How I yearn for our golden, eternal ways.
    Excellent for just 5 minutes
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    (Original post by Powersymphonia)
    Bump looking for more opinions
    I do this a lot when I'm (trying) to write poetry and be all melodramatic and golden: I add too many adjectives that end up making you feel like they're just there to 'fill the lines'. It's beautiful and respectable for a spontaneous 5 mins though!
    Have you ever tried making up haikus? Look up Charles Bukowski poems, they're strangely simple and short, amazing stuff!
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    i know you say you fill in with adjectives, but it means you have a good grasp of rhythm; those 'extra' words you say actually give it a rolling movement. Also sounds a lot like the older poets, very elaborate nice

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Updated: November 10, 2013
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