[Anonymous]

One of my best friends is obsessed with my other best friend and it's starting to mess things up. Last year she confessed her feelings and he rejected her, nicely, but he made it clear he won't ever feel the same. She was hurt, but I and all of out other friends were there for her.

It is clear she has not got over him but it's like she doesn't intend to. She still thinks deep down there is a chance when he has clearly said never. But she does weird things, like when we're all hanging out, she'll text people saying he is hot. And she is saying how it's like the anniversary of being rejected. Everyone in the friend group is like talking about her behind her back and starting to exclude her because of her behavior. And the guy she likes is trying to avoid her as much as possible. I feel really bad for her and because I'm her best friend, I'm not going to turn my back on her. I think I need to talk to her seriously about this but it's hard. I don't want to get everyone else into trouble for talking behind her back or make her feel upset. It will be for her own good but I don't know what to say.

It's harsh to say 'just get over him' because I know what it's like. But its been a year. I just don't know how to get the message across while remaining compassionate. She is sensitive and is likely to be offended.

[Anonymous]

bump.... anyone there...

[Anonymous]

Hi there. My first piece of advice would be when you do talk to her, make sure that you are in a relaxed, quiet, comfortable environment. It's important that she feels comfortable opening up to you, and that neither of you are distracted by your surroundings.

For many people it takes forever and a half to get over someone, and you need to make sure that she knows that you acknowledge this, especially if she's sensitive.
I don't think it's wise at the moment to remind her that the relationship will never pick up again, and this may actually damage your friendship; she might feel that she's being criticized in a way, so be careful with your wording and tone. Eventually she'll see that it won't happen and that she has to move on.

Instead, focus on the behavior aspect that you brought up in your post - let her know gently that as a friend you're concerned that she's embarrassing herself. Maybe you could ask her why she's doing these things? Once she sees what she's actually doing and why, she can address it from its roots. It sounds like she is confused and feels lonely, and needs someone to confide in, and perhaps even a shoulder to cry on. A few weeks after my boyfriend broke up with me around 6 months ago, my best friend and I just talked about everything (literally we talked for hours) about the guy and our relationship and why it ended, and I ended up crying my eyes out. Although I'm only just getting over it, it was such a relief to release all those feelings that I'd pent up and confused in my mind. My best friend didn't mind seeing me in my lowest, most vulnerable state and that she wouldn't tell anybody about what happened and how I felt. She didn't care about me taking up her whole day just to cry it all out while she sat and listened, and she still didn't mind 3 months later, when I would ring her because I missed him and felt depressed.
So maybe you could reassure your best friend that you're there to talk and that she can trust you, and that you're willing to give up your time for her.

I think the most important thing is that you make sure that she knows that you are willing to listen to her, and that you're there for advice but at the same time you won't tell her what to do with her life. I'd suggest you set a whole day aside to dedicate to her. Maybe she could come over to your house and order pizza, and then you can say some of the stuff above. She needs attention, so be selfless and make the whole day about her feelings.
If she refuses to speak about it, I wouldn't try to persuade her, just remind her that you're always there to talk and that she can trust you. And give her a massive hug!

Sorry about the long reply. I hope this helps! All the best.