[Anonymous]

I'm just looking for some advice as I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this stuff.

I'm 18, just finished first year of uni. I failed 2 subjects and scraped passes in the rest. I've felt so completely isolated these past couple of years and I'm feeling really down. I'm sorry if this ends up long, I've never actually confided in anyone before.

In school I was really sporty and active, I was also really loud. I wasn't the most popular girl but I got on with everyone. I was in cadets and I wanted to join the RAF or Army. I've always been very independent from my parents and always been the oddball of my family and never really fitting in. I wanted to leave home as soon as possible, mostly for practical reasons as our house is tiny. When I was 15 my life turned upside-down when my mum was diagnosed with cancer. I ended up looking after my family and doing everything while my dad hit the drink and my mum was in hospital. We started to struggle financially and so at 16 I had to start work to help contribute. Adding together the amount of time I spent cooking and cleaning, washing and ironing; working and going to school and hospital visits. I didn't have the time or energy to put 100% into my schoolwork and I got waaay below expected.

This was all happening while I was choosing my 5 ucas choices. I'd originally wanted medicine, so I could be a doctor in the armed forces. I obviously had to stay at home and so I just picked biomed and I never made my conditions for my first choice.

Anyways, this past year I've hated uni. I've been working an average of 30 hour a week, trying to keep up with the housework and keeping my younger siblings out of trouble. I've made friends but I don't think I've been able to experience all that uni has to offer. I'm exhausted all the time and my heart's not in it.

I don't even get on with my family and I'm starting to resent them and I'm going insane being stuck at work or in the house. My results are poor and it's just not working out.

I've been on two trips on a ship one this year and one last. After the first one I thought I'd like to join the merchant navy, I put it down to not wanting to go to uni and I put it out of my mind. I went back this year and this is what I want now more than ever. I've never felt so at home before and it's basically given me a taste of the things I can't have in life.

I'm never going to make it as a doctor at this rate as I know I can't keep up this pace, I can't leave and start a cadetship at sea because I can't see my mum getting any better in the near future. I'm basically hitting a dead end and I have no idea how to get out of this situation. I feel so bad for wanting away, but it has always been in my nature. I'm so scared I'll end up hating my family and blaming them for everything

What can I do? (sorry for the long vent! thanks for reading it)

[applicant1]

Hi,

Firsty I think you have done amazing to juggle so much - I honestly don't think I could. It is also completely understandable that everything is so disjointed for you and that you want to be anywhere but in your situation.

I think that you need to stop for a second, phase everything else out and decide what you want. At the end of the day its your life and your future.

"I've never felt so at home before and it's basically given me a taste of the things I can't have in life." - I dont understand this comment ?


What I would say is if your stuggling with uni because of problems at home - imagine your basic training, where everything is going to be more intense and life at home will still be going on.

I think talking about it is the first step, (apologies I don't know what things are like for you) - but can you speak to your mum and family/friends about this?

I would also go see careers advisers from all three services if your not sure about which to choose and write a list of everything you want from your career and see which matches the best.

I am slightly biased towards the RAF soooo

I hope my rambled reply helps - I am happy to talk if you need to

[Anonymous]

(Original post by applicant1)
Hi,

Firsty I think you have done amazing to juggle so much - I honestly don't think I could. It is also completely understandable that everything is so disjointed for you and that you want to be anywhere but in your situation.

I think that you need to stop for a second, phase everything else out and decide what you want. At the end of the day its your life and your future.

"I've never felt so at home before and it's basically given me a taste of the things I can't have in life." - I dont understand this comment ?


What I would say is if your stuggling with uni because of problems at home - imagine your basic training, where everything is going to be more intense and life at home will still be going on.

I think talking about it is the first step, (apologies I don't know what things are like for you) - but can you speak to your mum and family/friends about this?

I would also go see careers advisers from all three services if your not sure about which to choose and write a list of everything you want from your career and see which matches the best.

I am slightly biased towards the RAF soooo

I hope my rambled reply helps - I am happy to talk if you need to

Thanks this was so helpful, I can't really talk to anyone about it as I'm worried I come off as selfish. Regarding the comment you didn't understand, I meant that when I was on the ship I instantly just fitted in. I loved the lifestyle and the long working days at sea, I felt more at home at sea than in my house with my family. It was all just a taste of what I can't have as realistically, I can't be away from home for months at a time and that's kinda a requirement in the Merchant Navy.

I was slightly biased towards RAF in school, I think the overall lifestyle is better, good luck!


Ps. Thankyouuu

[AndroidLight]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm just looking for some advice as I don't have anyone else I can talk to about this stuff.

I'm 18, just finished first year of uni. I failed 2 subjects and scraped passes in the rest. I've felt so completely isolated these past couple of years and I'm feeling really down. I'm sorry if this ends up long, I've never actually confided in anyone before.

In school I was really sporty and active, I was also really loud. I wasn't the most popular girl but I got on with everyone. I was in cadets and I wanted to join the RAF or Army. I've always been very independent from my parents and always been the oddball of my family and never really fitting in. I wanted to leave home as soon as possible, mostly for practical reasons as our house is tiny. When I was 15 my life turned upside-down when my mum was diagnosed with cancer. I ended up looking after my family and doing everything while my dad hit the drink and my mum was in hospital. We started to struggle financially and so at 16 I had to start work to help contribute. Adding together the amount of time I spent cooking and cleaning, washing and ironing; working and going to school and hospital visits. I didn't have the time or energy to put 100% into my schoolwork and I got waaay below expected.

This was all happening while I was choosing my 5 ucas choices. I'd originally wanted medicine, so I could be a doctor in the armed forces. I obviously had to stay at home and so I just picked biomed and I never made my conditions for my first choice.

Anyways, this past year I've hated uni. I've been working an average of 30 hour a week, trying to keep up with the housework and keeping my younger siblings out of trouble. I've made friends but I don't think I've been able to experience all that uni has to offer. I'm exhausted all the time and my heart's not in it.

I don't even get on with my family and I'm starting to resent them and I'm going insane being stuck at work or in the house. My results are poor and it's just not working out.

I've been on two trips on a ship one this year and one last. After the first one I thought I'd like to join the merchant navy, I put it down to not wanting to go to uni and I put it out of my mind. I went back this year and this is what I want now more than ever. I've never felt so at home before and it's basically given me a taste of the things I can't have in life.

I'm never going to make it as a doctor at this rate as I know I can't keep up this pace, I can't leave and start a cadetship at sea because I can't see my mum getting any better in the near future. I'm basically hitting a dead end and I have no idea how to get out of this situation. I feel so bad for wanting away, but it has always been in my nature. I'm so scared I'll end up hating my family and blaming them for everything

What can I do? (sorry for the long vent! thanks for reading it)

I echo the above post, having so much on your plate and trying to make the best of it is to be seriously commended, and even if things aren't going so well you should be proud for doing what you've done. Before I forget to this in, I'll put it in here - try and always talk to people when you've got so many things going on and you're not sure what to do. Whether that be in-person, online or whatever. Isolation is hard thing, it can make you feel a lot more down than you should, and having poeple there who'll listen and help you without judging can make the world of difference. Feel free to message me if you wish to.

Firstly, I'd say jump out of biomed if you haven't already. You've said you didn't enjoy it at all, and scrapping by should be a sign enough. And becoming does not at all require biomed. In fact you'd most likely have to do medicine again as a post-grad course, which is far harder to get into than undergrad medicine. A year or so ago I was considering taking medicine, and a lot of people who didn't make med were considering biomed, and I've always advised them of the same thing, to not take biomed. It doesn't help.

The main things it looks like you need to sort out/organise are in order of importance:
- Career/Education
- Family / Staying at home / Working for family

With your career, I'd say it's quite pivotal to focus on it first and foremost. It may seem selfish, but it is probably the biggest thing that'll give you ease of mind and keep you away from the negative side of life. Without something that you feel comfortable with, you'll always see that part of your life as being a failure and then extending it. If you still wish to become a doctor, then I'd probably suggest looking for extended medicine programmes, which tend to have lower entrance requirements. I'd also suggest going to careers advice, I can't remember what the group that offers free advice to all students is but they can be found with some asking around and they'd help more than I can in this regard. If you wish to go to the raf/army etc, then as applicant1 suggested I'd recommend going down to their careers and seeing what they have on offer. Ultimately finding something that you enjoy is key, and although it's not really comparable to your situation, my last year of college was absolutely harrowing as I didin't know what I wanted to do, and so was left doing things I had little interest in and consequently feeling down quite often.

The question the comes too whether you'd be willing to go away from home / devote less time to home in favour of your career. I'd suggest, while hard, it's something you'll have to do. At the same time, while you focus on your career, you'll still have time to contribute to your family. But honestly, anything that's too much for you, such as working long hours finance wise should really be toned down, welfare should be able to contribute enough in this regard. If you could discuss it with the older members of your family, and let them know that you can't do so much and how much you're struggling, then hopefully they'd understand. Not to say you'd not do anything, but just not to the detriment of your own life, there's really no point in damaging your own life in helping out others. If it does come down to moving away for extended periods, then it's not something really that I can give any useful advice on as it depends on your family and how they'd cope. I'd say though don't dismiss it out of hand, it could very well be feasible with you going away but not for great periods of time, say for a month at a time (I'm not sure how the navy works, so forgive me on that).

A lot of what I've said is purely based upon what you've written, so the reality may be you may not agree with much of it. That's fine, it's merely just thoughts for you, but hopefully it helps a little for you as you really do have a much larger load than most could cope with. Best of luck

[Anonymous]

(Original post by AndroidLight)
I echo the above post, having so much on your plate and trying to make the best of it is to be seriously commended, and even if things aren't going so well you should be proud for doing what you've done. Before I forget to this in, I'll put it in here - try and always talk to people when you've got so many things going on and you're not sure what to do. Whether that be in-person, online or whatever. Isolation is hard thing, it can make you feel a lot more down than you should, and having poeple there who'll listen and help you without judging can make the world of difference. Feel free to message me if you wish to.

Firstly, I'd say jump out of biomed if you haven't already. You've said you didn't enjoy it at all, and scrapping by should be a sign enough. And becoming does not at all require biomed. In fact you'd most likely have to do medicine again as a post-grad course, which is far harder to get into than undergrad medicine. A year or so ago I was considering taking medicine, and a lot of people who didn't make med were considering biomed, and I've always advised them of the same thing, to not take biomed. It doesn't help.

The main things it looks like you need to sort out/organise are in order of importance:
- Career/Education
- Family / Staying at home / Working for family

With your career, I'd say it's quite pivotal to focus on it first and foremost. It may seem selfish, but it is probably the biggest thing that'll give you ease of mind and keep you away from the negative side of life. Without something that you feel comfortable with, you'll always see that part of your life as being a failure and then extending it. If you still wish to become a doctor, then I'd probably suggest looking for extended medicine programmes, which tend to have lower entrance requirements. I'd also suggest going to careers advice, I can't remember what the group that offers free advice to all students is but they can be found with some asking around and they'd help more than I can in this regard. If you wish to go to the raf/army etc, then as applicant1 suggested I'd recommend going down to their careers and seeing what they have on offer. Ultimately finding something that you enjoy is key, and although it's not really comparable to your situation, my last year of college was absolutely harrowing as I didin't know what I wanted to do, and so was left doing things I had little interest in and consequently feeling down quite often.

The question the comes too whether you'd be willing to go away from home / devote less time to home in favour of your career. I'd suggest, while hard, it's something you'll have to do. At the same time, while you focus on your career, you'll still have time to contribute to your family. But honestly, anything that's too much for you, such as working long hours finance wise should really be toned down, welfare should be able to contribute enough in this regard. If you could discuss it with the older members of your family, and let them know that you can't do so much and how much you're struggling, then hopefully they'd understand. Not to say you'd not do anything, but just not to the detriment of your own life, there's really no point in damaging your own life in helping out others. If it does come down to moving away for extended periods, then it's not something really that I can give any useful advice on as it depends on your family and how they'd cope. I'd say though don't dismiss it out of hand, it could very well be feasible with you going away but not for great periods of time, say for a month at a time (I'm not sure how the navy works, so forgive me on that).

A lot of what I've said is purely based upon what you've written, so the reality may be you may not agree with much of it. That's fine, it's merely just thoughts for you, but hopefully it helps a little for you as you really do have a much larger load than most could cope with. Best of luck

I cannot thank you enough for your clear and helpful reply, you have helped me so much. I'm still struggling to decide whether to leave and pursue MY career choice or to stay put for my family's sake. I know it's a decision only I can make, if you were in my shoes what would you do? If you don't mind my asking?

[AndroidLight]

(Original post by Anonymous)
I cannot thank you enough for your clear and helpful reply, you have helped me so much. I'm still struggling to decide whether to leave and pursue MY career choice or to stay put for my family's sake. I know it's a decision only I can make, if you were in my shoes what would you do? If you don't mind my asking?

It's a tough one, it would depend quite a bit on how long you'd go for. Say a month at a time I'd probably go, but anything above that leaves scope for a lot of things to change at home while you're away. But if it did boil down to staying at home and working in a job I'm not content with versus going away to a job that I'm happy with, obviously the easy choice would be the latter if you didn't have your home circumstances. I think, what I'd probably go for is giving the latter a try, say take the job and go for a short period (if doable), and see how things are when you get back. You've already tried staying at home in a job you don't like, so there's really no point in continuing with it. Perhaps going for a 'trial' will make out to others that you're not abandoning them, but rather you've done working in a dead-end job for however long now, and would just like to see how your choice works out. Obviously in your mind you could very well wish to continue with it further, but with that trial idea at the end of it you could assess everything at home and your own satisfaction and go from there. Though I don't know how feasible a short term contract in something like the navy is, but that's probably what I'd do if I were in your shoes, essentially give it a try and if works out then great, and if not at least you gave it a shot and know where not too look. Again I've no idea how practical this, which could very well make the idea useless.

If it is a longer term gig, then I think perhaps try discussing a bit with your parents/other elders. There your family so obviously you don't want to feel like your abandoning them and from the way you've worked it seems like you're the sort that wants to be there for them and help them. I think, from my experiences at least, sometimes we try to do too much, and forget that ultimately our families want what makes us happy too, and that if we do take a decision that benefits us, we can still do our bit to help out and that choice doesn't make helping family out not an option. You'll be earning, so you could chose to help out in that regard, and in future you could explore getting help etc for the house in regards to cleaning etc.

Ultimately though, after giving it a bit of thought I probably would take the career choice first. It'd be hard, and the job itself most likely wouldn't be easy, but I think knowing that you've got a career that'll go somewhere and you enjoy to some extent would be better than the alternative of doing what you've already done and don't enjoy.

Edit: Feel free to get in touch if you need anything.