[Anonymous]

OK so I have been feeling so bad for the past couple of years...and recently i've been thinking that life is pretty worthless.

I'm seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety for the past 2 months, it hasn't cured me however it has helped me narrow down my problems.

I have perfectionistic anxiety which branches into everyday things: If I can't understand everything in a book i'll throw it away...etc.

The CBT techniques he has taught me do help, and there have been periods of total escape from the over-anxiety. However one deep problem has caused me to relapse several times. That problem is my relationships with others, and how I have been gradually perceived over time. I will explain:


Around the age of 15/16 I noticed that in groups, I could make people laugh , and generally do well socially because it only involves chipping in the odd comment every now and again. The problem is that when it comes to one on one conversation, I never get deep enough with people; I run out of things to say and then just try to make the person laugh, and then eventually run out of things again. All in all I appear to be exhausting to be, and exhausting to be around.

As a result of this i'm 18 and never had a girlfriend, though I've got loads of mates, some very close who I can talk to.

Because of this social problem I guess people don't take me seriously; I feel like a dancing monkey, only there for peoples' entertainment (because I can't talk to them one to one).

As a result I started to try to fill this gap with other things: money, high grades, magic tricks. And for 2 years I persisted and put thousands of hours into learning to trade the financial markets, achieving the highest marks in some exams across all exam boards, and learning lots of magic.

But again this is just a means of getting recognition/social praise which I've always lacked from not being able to converse well enough.

It's annoying; I'mn outgoing enough to start a conversation,and i'm good-looking, but I just end up in awkward silences most of the time.

This then led to me becoming more unbalanced, and then I started to be defined by how well I did in exams, causing the perfectionism( as I had nothing else to live for ).

I am so depressed; My anxiety is annoying , but it can be reduced...but only for this problem to claw me back down again. I watch TV and get all annoyed and depressed when I see couples, or happy people talking, wishing I could be like them.

My happiness is at the mercy of each interaction I have with people; if I do well then I'm sky high, if I stutter, and have an awkward conversation making me look boring then i'm in the gutter.

I've joined toastmasters, but that's only once every 2 weeks, and even then I just don't think it will help me with this issue; I honestly think I could become a great pulbic speaker- in groups i'm already pretty outgoing.

Dear God someone give me some advice....is this fixable? I just feel so inadequate and worthless.....

[A Cat]

do what you do for your self, not for others. Their judgement is invisible, yours is what matters. Don't place too much emphasis (or any at all) on the way you percieve others think about you. Only put importance on what you think of yourself. So you think you're worthless? Is that because you think others think you're worthless, because you stutter? Can't you remember having a conversation with anyone who stuttered, and not holding it against them?

Your hobbies should be for your own development with your self, not for the approval of others.

I guess I'm quite similar to you, never had a girlfriend by the time i was 18, which didn't bother me too much. I'm not amazing at conversation, because I think that half of what we talk about is really quite pointless, and holds no value. My hobbies are playing guitar and learning about music, among reading about politics and learning about psychopaths. If I take the view that I'm only doing it to impress others and have them say how good I am, then that is putting external conditions on my happiness. If I take the view that I'm getting better at guitar and enjoying what I'm doing, then that is exacerbating internal happiness. I'm doing these things for myself, not for others. And that doesn't make me selfish in any way, because while I do these things for myself, others can benefit from my knowledge and skill.

Have you gotten better at magic tricks? At learning new things we always start out ****ty, but practice makes perfect as the old saying goes. Can you see that not everybody has the patience and the skill, something you have, to follow some things with tenacity? With regards to financial trading, can you see your own awesomeness in personal success through personal knowledge? No one taught you, you had the will to do it yourself, for yourself, but you just failed to see it at the time.

Do it for yourself, live for yourself, and others will benefit semi-indirectly. It's good that you have a decent level of introspection, otherwise you'll be stuck in this dream forever. Know yourself And then when you truly do, you'll know everyone else.

[Anonymous]

(Original post by Samrout)
do what you do for your self, not for others. Their judgement is invisible, yours is what matters. Don't place too much emphasis (or any at all) on the way you percieve others think about you. Only put importance on what you think of yourself. So you think you're worthless? Is that because you think others think you're worthless, because you stutter? Can't you remember having a conversation with anyone who stuttered, and not holding it against them?

Your hobbies should be for your own development with your self, not for the approval of others.

I guess I'm quite similar to you, never had a girlfriend by the time i was 18, which didn't bother me too much. I'm not amazing at conversation, because I think that half of what we talk about is really quite pointless, and holds no value. My hobbies are playing guitar and learning about music, among reading about politics and learning about psychopaths. If I take the view that I'm only doing it to impress others and have them say how good I am, then that is putting external conditions on my happiness. If I take the view that I'm getting better at guitar and enjoying what I'm doing, then that is exacerbating internal happiness. I'm doing these things for myself, not for others. And that doesn't make me selfish in any way, because while I do these things for myself, others can benefit from my knowledge and skill.

Have you gotten better at magic tricks? At learning new things we always start out ****ty, but practice makes perfect as the old saying goes. Can you see that not everybody has the patience and the skill, something you have, to follow some things with tenacity? With regards to financial trading, can you see your own awesomeness in personal success through personal knowledge? No one taught you, you had the will to do it yourself, for yourself, but you just failed to see it at the time.

Do it for yourself, live for yourself, and others will benefit semi-indirectly. It's good that you have a decent level of introspection, otherwise you'll be stuck in this dream forever. Know yourself And then when you truly do, you'll know everyone else.

Thanks, I just don't know whether my problem is that I need to be more social , or whether I'm too sensitive on how well each interaction goes....both?

[Fynch101]

(Original post by Anonymous)
As a result I started to try to fill this gap with other things: money, high grades, magic tricks. And for 2 years I persisted and put thousands of hours into learning to trade the financial markets, achieving the highest marks in some exams across all exam boards, and learning lots of magic.

Did you lose a fair amount of money?

[INTit]

One thing I've observed whilst job hunting is the nature of interviews.

My poor interviews are uncomfortable for both parties because the conversations feel forced and shallow due to nerves and concern about creating a good impression . The good interviews occurred when I was more relaxed and conversed more openly with the interviewer.

To me it sounds like all your social interactions are being treated as an interview. One in which your trying hard to make a good impression and inadvertently turning it into a difficult and shallow conversation.

Try to stop worrying about what people think and express your opinion frankly.
A little common sense is all that's needed to guard against saying anything inappropriate so fretting over conversations before hand is counter-productive.

[A Cat]

(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks, I just don't know whether my problem is that I need to be more social , or whether I'm too sensitive on how well each interaction goes....both?

i think you give too much of a **** on the outcome of a conversation rather than just enjoying what you have. And stop thinking you have a problem. If you think you have a problem then you think you have a problem, if you get me.

[koolkelv]

You look like you can talk to people online fine. Try and "get in" to some online games, preferably some MMORPG where you can join guilds so you can interact more with people. This isn't really a permanent fix but it should relieve your depression as you'll be talking to people.