I'm sorry if my story is silly, but i'm putting this out there anyway
So i just finished my first year in University and got A's only, still i do not have self- confidence at all. This is a problem i've struggled with my whole life, but especially when it comes to school. This has partly to do with some childhood experiences of mine. When i was like really young i used to read alot of history , which i guess is not common for children at that age. However when i was like 13- 16 i did really bad in school, and lost my interest in reading completely. This was largely because i did not have any friends, so i guess i thought that being more "normal" would make it easier to make friends. The last three years or so however, i've pretty much spent all my time studying, especially this last year.
So i worked really hard this year, and i was extremely nervous, constantly, about how my exams would go. When i got the good results however, i did not really see them as signs of "success". Rather i keep tormenting myself with the thought that i'm incredibly stupid. I kept, and still do, finding excuses for not seeing the positive in this situation. I would for example think things like: "Well, you did not get those grades from Harvard, and therefore they are useless".
I've been thinking alot about those years when i did not do well in school. I am convinced that my failings in those years deprived me of self-confidence.
Recently i've become obsessed with that thought. I keep comparing myself with people who have done great things in their life, who seemingly never had such an experience. These people acquired lots of knowledge in their youth, which gave them abilities that made them succeed in later life. Me on the other hand. I am a bore. The only thing i seem to be capable of is memorizing the curriculum for the exams. I basically feel like i would have been a totally different and much better person if i had cared more when i was younger. The world now seems so complicated that i almost can't see a point in continuing searching for knowledge. No matter what i do, i will not become as smart as those people. Lately i've been so disgusted in myself that i can barely open a book, because i don't see why it would matter, i'm still going to be stupid. At the same time, i feel really uncomfortable when i hear about the success of other people, because i feel like that is something i will never achieve. I feel useless basically, because i don't feel like i will be really good at what i do. I cannot stand myself. The world is to complicated and i'm to stupid to know anything about it.
I know that there are people who've had far more traumatizing experiences in their childhood, however this is how my mind works i guess. Sorry for the rant. I realize i might come off as a selfish person, but please do have pity on a rambling Norwegian
(Original post by Anonymous)
... When i got the good results however, i did not really see them as signs of "success". Rather i keep tormenting myself with the thought that i'm incredibly stupid. I kept, and still do, finding excuses for not seeing the positive in this situation. I would for example think things like: "Well, you did not get those grades from Harvard, and therefore they are useless".
I feel like this sometimes. Think to yourself what benefits comparing yourself to other has to anything. You will probably find very little, if anything.
The thing about comparing yourself to others is that it does nothing apart from bring you down. Surely some people will be better than you at some things, but there will also be things that you do better than other people.
Just try not do it at all, if you do find yourself comparing yourself to other people, I find that doing something you enjoy can take your mind off it quite effectively.
The people i talk with keep telling me that i should lower my ambitions, which i don't want to do because i feel that would be like admitting failure. Besides i do not have much of a life outside school. I barely have any friends and i do not have any hobbies.
I sort of had a breakdown this week. I had a smaller one during my exams. I've spent the last couple of days doing nothing. I can't be bothered to do anything, not reading or even watching a movie. When i wake up i feel horrible, when i am asleep i keep dreaming about bad stuff. I'm going to talk to a professional in a couple of days.