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Female Expectations/ Classification of Lovers

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    #1

    This thread has formed from the advent of sudden popularity of the series '50 shades of Grey' as an erotica book.

    With the theme of multiple O's and such bizarre sexual situations and circumstances (although i've yet to read the books myself, all of these thoughts through things I have heard about the books), Its made me wonder what women actually expect/ think what makes a good lover.

    When I hear about situations such as described in these books, where there are these 'perfect guys who are great in bed' I take it personally that as a man I would never be able to live up to these expectations, no matter what people say about it not being all about that - It is always in the back of the mind.

    Maybe this is just my own personal insecurities but I would love to hear women's opinions of these portrayals of men and lovers
    and what for each of them personally they would consider the qualities of a good lover.

    So looking for a more psycho/sociological view of this matter.

    To all who respond, thank you for your time.
    #2

    A great lover:
    • is very eager to please and wants to do whatever I tell him
    • gets off on seeing me enjoying myself
    • is very skilled and gentle with his fingers/mouth OR is a willing, quick learner
    • has great self control and can ideally last a long time
    • can actually talk about sex so we can always work on improving things and having new experiences


    In my past experiences, these are things which have made me classify a man as a bad lover:

    • assumed I had an orgasm from intercourse - why would you do that?
    • no foreplay except on him, didn't offer to do anything to please me
    • showed no interest in me enjoying it
    • he came, didn't check out if I did or offer to 'help me out'


    Frustrating things, but not the end of the world:
    • bit inept at touching me, i.e. a bit rough, bad at oral, thinks you must love being repeatedly penetrated with a finger
    • bad kisser
    • doesn't last long enough (less than 2 minutes every time)


    For me, the worst thing a man can do is assume I had some kind of automatic orgasm with no work on his part - most girls can't orgasm like that - or show no interest in giving me pleasure. I can work with someone who isn't that good but is willing to please.

    With regard to positions, situations, fantasies etc., girls have different tastes. Some are very vanilla. Some really like to be dominated, some don't (I don't). Some like lots of variation, others prefer to stick to stuff they know works for them. Doing exactly what worked for the last girl without trying to find out what the current one likes is always a bad thing, which is why showing interest and good communication are key to being good in bed.

    Books - it isn't exactly true to life sex. Real sex is messy, sometimes funny, often more fumbly and never so perfect. I worked in a library and tried reading romances while I was repairing the books - all women having multiple orgasms without the guy going anywhere near their clit and when they've never met him before. Doesn't happen in my life! Not without practice, anyway
    #2

    I should have added some of the emotional qualities of a steady relationship that make a guy seem a great lover:
    • you feel emotionally close to him and hence more turned on
    • you're really into him and fancy him
    • he is very affectionate and makes you feel very attractive and loved
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    He makes you orgasm. duhhhh.
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    All ive been told is the 50 shades of grey bookes are very amateur.

    ive ordered them so soon to find out for myself
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    Fifty Shades of Grey is porn aimed at women. There is plenty of porn aimed at men and many men watch it. Women have the same insecurities as you do - will he think I'm ugly compared to the girls he's seen in porn? Are my boobs big enough? Does he expect me to do all the things he's seen girls do in porn?

    Porn sells fantasies. I like to think that men don't judge the women they sleep with against porn stars and I like to think women don't judge the men they sleep with against fifty shades of grey.

    As far as being good in bed goes, I'd say be confident, respectful, open minded and willing to communicate and you'll be one of the best she's ever had.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    A great lover:
    • is very eager to please and wants to do whatever I tell him
    • gets off on seeing me enjoying myself
    • can actually talk about sex so we can always work on improving things and having new experiences
    I think you've nailed the key points there. The points you make on physical skill are relevant, of course, but the mechanical aspects of it can be worked on pretty easily. I always feel that the key to good sex (and this isn't gender-specific) is the ability to communicate without awkwardness about it, a willingness to do what works for your partner as well as what you want for yourself, and a desire to see your partner happy.

    I don't quite agree that 'doing whatever you're told' is particularly important, but if you just mean taking hints that you give and being willing to try something different for your sake, then sure.
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    (Original post by Classical Liberal)
    He makes you orgasm. duhhhh.
    If you orgasm during sex, would you call it 'Great' sex?

    I think there's more to it than that. I can orgasm by myself - I don't think that an orgasm automatically means great sex and I don't think that sex where I don't orgasm is terrible. Great sex is sex that was really fun and you look back on with a smile.
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    Reading the books now and tbh its SO fabricated I doubt anybody has a sex life like that, and Im pretty sure Christian grey doesnt exist, rather than making me wobbly at the knees he makes me feel a bit queesy is a bit of a creep and has no personality bar just giving good sex this is NOT my ideea of a lover a lover is somebody who also cares
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    OP you sound so Beta right now.. have a bowl of Alpen and cheer up lad
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    (Original post by SillyMilly)
    Reading the books now and tbh its SO fabricated I doubt anybody has a sex life like that, and Im pretty sure Christian grey doesnt exist, rather than making me wobbly at the knees he makes me feel a bit queesy is a bit of a creep and has no personality bar just giving good sex this is NOT my ideea of a lover a lover is somebody who also cares
    really? ive heard the 50 shades of grey book is very amateur and hes rather tame. I was told the book is aimed more at 'prudes' who dont really have any fantasies etc.

    obviously i dont know yet as i havent read them, but its interesting to see peoples different views toward the book, which at the same time, points to peoples different views on sex
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    (Original post by pinkangelgirl)
    really? ive heard the 50 shades of grey book is very amateur and hes rather tame. I was told the book is aimed more at 'prudes' who dont really have any fantasies etc.

    obviously i dont know yet as i havent read them, but its interesting to see peoples different views toward the book, which at the same time, points to peoples different views on sex
    Well I guess it totally depends on your view of bondage if you like it up for it youd find it most likely tame, whereassss im not into all that so i guess i find it fairly grpahic ,its just the writing of it is very very fake she seems to 'orgasam' every single time he touches her which I would think is virtually impossible! tell me what you think of it once youve read it !
    #2

    (Original post by chira07)
    If you orgasm during sex, would you call it 'Great' sex?

    I think there's more to it than that. I can orgasm by myself - I don't think that an orgasm automatically means great sex and I don't think that sex where I don't orgasm is terrible. Great sex is sex that was really fun and you look back on with a smile.
    I agree. I once had a boyfriend who nearly always made sure I had an orgasm, but it was always the same thing and the same positions with no exploration - the sex got very boring quite quickly.
    #2

    (Original post by Chumbaniya)
    I think you've nailed the key points there. The points you make on physical skill are relevant, of course, but the mechanical aspects of it can be worked on pretty easily. I always feel that the key to good sex (and this isn't gender-specific) is the ability to communicate without awkwardness about it, a willingness to do what works for your partner as well as what you want for yourself, and a desire to see your partner happy.

    I don't quite agree that 'doing whatever you're told' is particularly important, but if you just mean taking hints that you give and being willing to try something different for your sake, then sure.
    I did mean taking hints - there's nothing worse than dropping endless hints and not having a partner show any interest helping to make it better for you.

    I agree that the mechanical aspects can be worked on, if someone is eager to please and willing to learn. Not always successfully, but you can have fun trying
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    *Shines Jessica20 bat-signal in the sky*
    #3

    I don't get why guys are so uninterested like this, I find it more of a turn on when the girl has a good time more than myself, so I just experiment and learn everything I can, always had good results :P
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    I don't get why guys are so uninterested like this, I find it more of a turn on when the girl has a good time more than myself, so I just experiment and learn everything I can, always had good results :P
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    (Original post by chira07)
    If you orgasm during sex, would you call it 'Great' sex?

    I think there's more to it than that. I can orgasm by myself - I don't think that an orgasm automatically means great sex and I don't think that sex where I don't orgasm is terrible. Great sex is sex that was really fun and you look back on with a smile.
    Yeah. That is all true.

    You really have to have a lot of variety in your sex to really understand what constitutes great sex though.
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    (Original post by Classical Liberal)
    Yeah. That is all true.

    You really have to have a lot of variety in your sex to really understand what constitutes great sex though.
    Agreed.

    As for 50-SoG, have you got to the bit where he settles down with her, then she makes him have kids, he gets fat, she stops him from having any hobbies then starts buying erotic books because he's not exciting and masculine enough or are you still at the "he makes her dress as Emu and strides into the room dressed as Rod Hull" bit?

    Joking aside, it's the Clinton Cards of erotica, don't pay it too much heed and enjoy on a superficial level...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    A great lover:
    • is very eager to please and wants to do whatever I tell him
    • gets off on seeing me enjoying myself
    • is very skilled and gentle with his fingers/mouth OR is a willing, quick learner
    • has great self control and can ideally last a long time
    • can actually talk about sex so we can always work on improving things and having new experiences


    In my past experiences, these are things which have made me classify a man as a bad lover:

    • assumed I had an orgasm from intercourse - why would you do that?
    • no foreplay except on him, didn't offer to do anything to please me
    • showed no interest in me enjoying it
    • he came, didn't check out if I did or offer to 'help me out'


    Frustrating things, but not the end of the world:
    • bit inept at touching me, i.e. a bit rough, bad at oral, thinks you must love being repeatedly penetrated with a finger
    • bad kisser
    • doesn't last long enough (less than 2 minutes every time)


    For me, the worst thing a man can do is assume I had some kind of automatic orgasm with no work on his part - most girls can't orgasm like that - or show no interest in giving me pleasure. I can work with someone who isn't that good but is willing to please.

    With regard to positions, situations, fantasies etc., girls have different tastes. Some are very vanilla. Some really like to be dominated, some don't (I don't). Some like lots of variation, others prefer to stick to stuff they know works for them. Doing exactly what worked for the last girl without trying to find out what the current one likes is always a bad thing, which is why showing interest and good communication are key to being good in bed.

    Books - it isn't exactly true to life sex. Real sex is messy, sometimes funny, often more fumbly and never so perfect. I worked in a library and tried reading romances while I was repairing the books - all women having multiple orgasms without the guy going anywhere near their clit and when they've never met him before. Doesn't happen in my life! Not without practice, anyway
    So when do you wanna date? ;DDD

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